A/N - Wrote this to Only Exception by Paramore. HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend playing it throughout the chapter. It's already in the Spotify Playlist!

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Hagen's P.O.V

I was used to getting a few looks whenever I dragged myself to class, but I knew this time it wasn't for the usual reasons. 

But the same rules still applied to pretending not to notice judgemental eyes. So while I headed to the furthest row in the lecture theatre with an empty seat, I kept my head down until I was behind the majority of students.

When I'm settled in my seat, I open my laptop and pretend to get ready for an hour of note-taking like the rest of them. It's all background noise to me, my peers muted conversations and then the actual lesson when our lecturer eventually strides in and gets things started.

I follow the presentation from the projector, eyes dragging between the scribbles made on the large whiteboard and the quickly changing powerpoints, but when my eyes drop to my laptop's open notes tab, there's nothing but the blinking line at the top.

I didn't know what was going on.

It wasn't just the lecture. It was my entire fucking life. 

I was lost within my own fucking head, which was saying something when it usually wasn't in the best place to start with. But now, it wasn't just my future I couldn't figure out. It was the one thing that was supposed to be natural and easy.

Of course, I knew that what Nik and I had was never going to be easy, but it had felt like it could be that night and then— I stifle a groan. Then that shit happened, and now, I didn't know what was going on with my bond, with my mate, and it made me a fucking mess.

I didn't want to be. I tried not to be, but I was sitting here with a hangover so, yeah.

Zyair tried to convince me that it was okay to feel hurt, that he was hurt by Nik's sudden turn in actions too, but I hated myself for it. 

So Nikola didn't want me around him. I hadn't seen him in months; what was different about the situation now? There was no reason to cry over it, yet every time I thought of him, my eyes tried to fill. 

Maybe it was because of the night we'd shared. The one that teased me with a version of my mate I didn't know. One that was honest, present and— Shit! I did not need to be reminiscing again.

I should not be thinking of him or the date, not when the festering cruel pang in my chest spread even further each time I did. The problem was that I thought of Nikola in everything.

The worst part of it was that I still wanted to see him.

Even after he'd pushed me away, I still wanted to go to him again, to just be close to him. There was this urge inside me, this insistent thing that kept telling me that everything would be okay if I was by my mate's side.

But I'd tried that route, and Nikola had been plenty clear in showing me that he didn't want me anywhere near him.

He just... - Zyair's excuses fall apart before they even form - maybe... things can be...

Zyair, stop - I say, cutting him off - please just stop.

With a whine, Zyair falls quiet, leaving me to listen to the furious mix of fingers on keyboards, pens to paper and the rapid, enthused teachings. If there were any chance of me sticking Geology out, it fell away with all the classes I'd missed.

I wasn't proud of it, but I'd been moping in bed for days until I'd woken up this morning, angry with my mate and myself for being so affected by him, by the bond. 

It was infuriating and humiliating, so I'd forced myself to get up and go to the last place I wanted to be. Being on campus was no better than being home, but it was something, and right now, I just needed something.

I needed Nikola, and wasn't that just a bitch?

Pushing forth again, Zyair tries to comfort me with his usual positivity, but they were just words, and I'd had enough of those. 

Words were what led me here in the first place, from my dads' advice to go and see my mate to Zyair's claims that I was only overcomplicating matters and Nikola's promises at something better. They'd all just been words, and I was tired of listening to them.

When bodies start moving around me, packing their shit up and getting out of their seats, I force myself to do the same. I take my time moving down the stairs, preferring to be one of the last instead of shuffling out in droves with everyone else. 

Maybe I would be in the cluster if I had friends in this class, but I didn't know any of the people in my course. They were all friends before I'd elected new modules, and besides, I was way older than most of them. 

I had friends in San Francisco, but they were all done with university and working within the city. Well, most of them, there was still one fucker who was wondering these halls with me.

"As I leave and breathe, is that you, Calderon?"

Lifting my head, my eyes immediately zone in on the big annoying prick that stuck out like a sore thumb in any room he was in. 

There was a time when Ruben and I had been the same height, and then somewhere after we turned 14, he'd started growing and never stopped. Now, the guy I'd known since we were eleven was nearly six-five and built like a bear. 

Something which always made it comical to watch when he was cramped over one of the library's study tables, or literally any piece of human furniture.

"I'm real," I promise as I head towards the guy already drawing eyes.

Ruben always had that effect, but it had gotten worse as he grew his locs out like his mom's. Aside from his height, he had sharp green eyes that girls got wet for since he was black, something Ruben didn't mind in the slightest. Added to that, his easy attitude and charming smile, and yeah, everyone loved Ruben.

"Apparently," Ruben retorts with a snort, "I ain't round here for time."

I shrug as we clasp hands before we start walking together, "I got busy."

Busy sulking over a mate that made me feel shit.

"Well, remember to let me know next time you 'get busy'. It's worse being here on my own."

The only difference between Ruben and me, besides the physical, was that while I was still trying to figure out what my calling was, Ruben was running from his. 

Ruben wanted to study mathematics. Why? Fuck knew. But he was good with numbers, and he liked that shit. The problem was that Ruben was terrified of failure, so with a trust to burn, he did every other course but the one he wanted most.

I'd be lying if I said I understood it. I'd also be lying if I said it didn't make me jealous to watch him collect degrees lucky fucking Pokémon, but that was my own shit to deal with.

"Hagen, you dere?" 

I blink past my thoughts, looking back to Ruben, who was watching me through narrowed eyes now. 

"Sorry, I'm riding a hangover right now," It wasn't a complete lie.

"You drinking without me now?" Ruben questions with a frown, "just say you don't want to be friends no more."

I snort, "You're a fucking idiot."

Grinning, Ruben nods his agreement, "But I was just trying to tell you that you look like shit."

I bark a laugh, unable to help it, "Life tends to do that to you."

Ruben manages a huff of agreement as we head out the brick building, and into the afternoon sunlight.

"Tell you what," Ruben says with a grin I knew too well, "drop by with Horizon and your controller, and I'll find us Wray and all his nephews."

I shake my head quickly, "No. No. No." I shudder at just the thought, "I'm not drinking your fucked up rum."

I didn't care what any werewolf said about human alcohol; Wray and Nephews was in a different league. Nothing could convince me that someone supernatural didn't start that shit.

"You're disrespecting my culture," Ruben accuses, which makes me flip him off.

"You're disrespecting my liver," I reply, which gets a heavy laugh from him, "I'm not drinking that shit, but I'll drop by. I could do with something to clear my head."

Falling into easy conversation, Ruben and I continued down the cinder paths that led off-campus. Around us, some students lounged on the manicured grass, others made their way into one of the surrounding buildings we'd just left, and right there in the centre stood Nikola.

I stop the second my eyes find him. Just as it had been the last time I saw him, before everything had gone to shit, my senses hone in to focus entirely on him. Ruben, the students, the warmth of the afternoon sun, it all blurs into the background.

It had only been five days, but my soul came alive, starved to take him all in.

With his hair tied back, his face clean-shaven, and bright grey eyes settled on me, Nikola looked nothing close to the dishevelled version of himself I'd last seen. In fact, he looked a million times better as if he'd been sleeping soundly each night while I'd been tossing and turning.

That lit a dangerous fire inside me as I watched him step forward.

"Hagen–"

"You shouldn't be here,"

I knew it was beyond petty. Worse than that, it was nasty to use the words he'd used on me. But in the face of his calm, I wanted to mess him up. To make him feel what he made me feel, to make him hurt the way he made me hurt.

But Nikola only blinks at me, his expression impassive as ever.

"No, I shouldn't," he admits, his gaze never leaving mine, "but I'm here anyway."

I bite back the ugly sound that tries to crawl from my throat and instead search for the sensible part of my brain. Lost fucking cause. Nikola was here, and that insistent itch to be close was suddenly stronger than ever.

"Uhh," Ruben's drag makes me look from Nikola to my friend who was looking frantically between the two of us. "Something's going on here, so Ima just head out. Hagen, send a text if you're still coming around after," he shifts a finger between Nik and me, "this."

Without anything to say, I nod, and Ruben peels himself away with one last lingering look at Nik. When he's gone, I look at my mate but only manage it for a second before my anger kicks in again.

"Hagen," Nikola tries again, but I shake my head.

Tearing my eyes away from his, I try to follow Ruben's lead, walking forward in hopes of escaping, but I don't make it anywhere as Nik steps in front of my path.

"I'm sorry,"

"You're sorry?" I mock as I meet his dusted gaze, glaring even while I tried not to, "Almost a week later, and now you're sorry?"

"Hagen, please," Nikola begs with a strain to his voice that tore through me, but that wasn't fucking fair.

I step back, my lips twisting into something grim, "It's fine, Nikola. You don't have to apologize. I was the one who showed up uninvited. Trust me, I won't make that mistake again."

Nikola's jaw tightens, his adam's apple bobbing as he peers down at me with a hurt too similar to what I felt in my bones. 

"I'm sorry, Hagen," the words come tortured as he steps even closer, "let me explain."

"Explain why you treated me like shit after—" I stop myself short when my chest clogs. I force a smile, "There's nothing to explain, Nikola." 

I try to step around him, to walk away before I crumble, but he grabs my arm and fuck if nothing felt more right.

I close my eyes, fighting against the blood rushing to my ears, the endorphins catapulting my skull, and I try to breathe, but one inhalation filled with that rich scent and any chance I had at leaving slipped away. 

I couldn't remember the last time I let Nikola touch me. Too terrified that if he did, I'd feel just this, and that couldn't happen with the years between us, but now. Goddess now, I just wanted to lean into his firm grip and all the warmth flooding from him in waves.

Which was fucking insane when at the same time, I wanted to push him away.

Breathing roughly as if he were struggling just the same, Nikola takes a moment to find his words.

"I hurt you. I'm sorry, Hagen. I didn't mean to," I try to tug my arm free, but he tightens his grip and tugs me closer. With his short pants brushing my ear, he begs, "Let me explain."

Let him explain. An explanation had been all I wanted in the first place, a reason why he'd left that night, why he'd pushed me away the next day. Something to make the whole thing make sense, but now that he was here, I didn't want to give him a chance. 

It was like all the hurt was turning into resentment that just wanted to lash out, but he was here. Right here, and after so long... I didn't want him to go.

I stifle a curse as I drop my head, already swaying. 

"Please," Nikola presses in the quiet.

If I weren't wavering before, the sliver of panic that rode that plea was enough to make Zyair keen and me roll over in short measure.

Goddess, how did he make me so weak?

Putting more strength behind it, I pull my arm free from Nik's grip and force space between us. It was the last thing my body wanted, but I had to breathe without his scent rattling my thoughts.

"Fine," I grumble before I finally look at him.

I catch the relief that loosens his features before he locks it away to ask, "Can I take you back? To the pack?"

At the reminder of where we were, I risk a look around before I nod, "But not here."

I walk around him, and this time, Nikola lets me.

I try to keep ahead of him, but Nikola keeps his steps perfectly in time with mine. Even trying to ignore him, I could feel him sneaking fleeting glimpses at me as if he thought staring too long might make me change my mind. 

With the way I was feeling, it just might.

I didn't really know where I was going exactly, but I knew we weren't going to continue this in public. So without looking at him once, I focus on putting one foot in front of the other until I bring us round the back entrance of a building where the garbage dumps were.

With a careful look around that proves us to be alone, I face my mate. 

"Take us home," 

The familiar chill of Nikola's magic instantly wraps around me, moving quickly like a hand that had been itching to grab onto me until I'd given him the go-ahead. The want behind it makes me shiver and relax all at once while his magic gathers, taking us from campus to the back of my house.

Scenting the air, I look for any of my family's scents, but all the ones that lingered were slightly jaded, promising that no one else was home, "We can talk in-" 

My words draw short when I turn to Nikola and find him staring at me with glowing purple eyes, his magic still at the forefront of him.

"Trust me, please," he asks before colour disappears from my world.

I feel my mouth open and feel my throat strain with a shocked noise, but I don't hear it. That distracts me from my suddenly grey surroundings as I tap my ears frantically. My heart rages in my chest, alarm taking me by storm when my ears don't pick up on that either. 

I look around for Nikola, but he was nowhere to be found in this muted world that had turned the sparse spruce trees shifting with the early winter winds, grey and the skies white.

Whatever Nikola had done, it had taken sound from me, and it turned everything into a dull mix of white, black and greys.

I could feel the everpresent thrum of the pack and scent the lands enough to know that he hadn't taken us somewhere new. It still felt like home just muted, and no amount of cursing brought it back.

"You're okay," his voice comes from nowhere and everywhere, almost sending me tumbling back. "I'm right here." 

It echoes like a beacon, filling my soul and making me calm even though it was the cause of my panic. But my heart does calm, the fear drawing back, replaced now by a need to find the source. 

"This," he says, breaking through the winds again, "is how the world feels to me."

My mouth shuts on its own accord, putting an end to my curses as Nikola's words make my chest ache.

"I can feel everything around me. I know what's going on, who's around me, and what might be happening, but it feels muffled to me."

I look around again at his words, this time not from panic but with a curious eye. Trying to see it from Nikola's perspective, I catch how things weren't just black and white, but it was all equally flat.

There was life, I could feel it, but now that I was paying mind, it felt more distant than how I knew it to be. Like there were yards between me and the things right in front of me.

"I'm disconnected," Nikola continues, "but I don't mind it. It's what I know."

Despite Nikola's words, Zyair still howled miserably within my chest, circling with distress, and though I didn't want to be, I wasn't too far off. 

I couldn't imagine living in a world like this, didn't want to and to think Nikola did, hurt.

"This is what it looks like when you're near," 

Slowly, colours start filling in, one by one. The primary ones first and then all their counterparts. It's not a burst but a gradual build that makes my toes curl with pleasure and my lips pull into a smile.

Maybe it was because it had been taken away, but as the greens returned to the grass beneath my feet, they seemed a little brighter to me. The brown to the trees' bark appeared deeper and the baby blue in the sky richer.

I spin slowly in my space, taking in my surroundings as colours splashes onto the walls of the house, returning its usually cream tone. The greys were all gone now, so was that dull overlay that made things feel so far away. 

My ears twitch as sound returns, allowing me to pick up on the life around me; chirping birds in the woods, nearby wolves running through the packlands, my own racing heart and every other sound that I hadn't thought to look for until it was gone.

"When you're near, you flood my world with colour," Nikola persists, his words making my legs disturbingly weak, "just having you near brings clarity to my world, and it forces me to experience things I would've never craved before."

"Nik," I start, but I didn't even know where to go after that. 

What did you say to someone who said you brought colour to their world?

"This is how it feels when I see you,"

I wasn't sure what to expect, but the intense shift in everything was definitely not it. Like looking through a microscope or some super clean lens, I see parts of the world around me that had always been invisible before.

From the distant stars and planets I always knew were there but were now clear as day, to the burning outer rim of the sun that was usually just one big blind spot in the sky. 

It was like there was a zoom on everything, or a clean wipe had been passed over the version of the world I hadn't known was dirty until now.

"I see everything. I feel everything." Nikola presses, "When I see you, the entire world shifts and I suddenly have to process things I didn't know existed."

Breaking free from whatever mask he'd put to himself, Nikola appears in front of me. His previously impassive expression turned to ash now, replaced with the parts of Nikola I never saw underneath.

Parts that were aching, tired, scared, and so close to what I'd seen in the mirror lately.

"The bond has made it stronger," he continues, stepping towards me in careful, measured steps, "Since you left five years ago, I've spent all my time learning to control my link to you, to work around it all. But with the bond, now it's...it's," he gestures around us, struggling to put it into words.

"Like everything magnified?" I hazard, voice unfamiliarly quiet, and he nods.

"Like everything magnified," he repeats on a breath. 

In this space where Nikola's magic reigned, I could see the skin between his brows tug together every now and again, his lips parting slightly before they'd shut. I see little things he usually hid, things I could never see, like how he struggled to find his words.  

"On my birthday, it was more than I was ready for," Nikola admits, eyes holding onto mine, "I left not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to ruin our night. It was perfect to me, and I didn't want to taint that."

I swallow and then twice more as I watch Nikola take another step forward.

"I wanted to take some time to make sure I could... function," Nikola winces at the word but carries on before I could think on it. "When you came, it was all too much. The bond, the link, you," he says that part reverently, as if what he felt for me was greater than the bond and the link combined. 

"I didn't mean to be so short with you, and I should've never yelled at you. I just didn't want to scare you aware."

Taking the remaining two steps that remained between us, Nikola stops just in front of me, his chest pumping hard as his eyes dart between my own.

"I didn't want to do something that would make you regret giving me a chance because Hagen–" Nikola raises his hands, causing me to breathe in sharply as I look frantically between his hands and him. When I don't move away, Nikola's eyes glow brightly as he takes my face in his hands, "I can't live in a world of greys when I know the one that exists with you."

Any air in my lungs leaves me in a rush while I stare at the guy who didn't know that he was destroying me from the inside out with every word. Add to that the touch that felt like a warm blanket, like home, like comfort and safety that I never wanted to leave.

I tried to speak, to say something, but anything that came to mind felt inadequate after everything he'd just said.

A part of me almost couldn't believe that the Nikola I'd grown up with was the same one who was making my heart pump so fast with words that could make a mated wolf swoon. But Nikola had always put purpose behind each of his words, measured with everything he said... which was why it had hurt so much to hear the ones that pushed me away.

But those actions no longer seemed contradictory and confusing, not when I'd seen what he was going through with my own eyes.

Mentally, I curse myself for not considering how the bond would've affected Nikola. I'd known it was there now, but after years of him claiming us to be mates, I hadn't even considered the possibility of him feeling something more now.

A part of me was scared to know he could feel even more intense emotions towards me, terrified to think where that might lead us. But the thought was fleeting in the face of the restraint he'd shown in keeping us apart.

"So, all this time," I ask, having to swallow again just to continue, "you stayed away because you wanted to make sure you had a handle on things? On the bond and the link?"

Nikola nods quickly, his thumb swiping a path down my cheek that makes my heart stumble with unfamiliar excitement. I should pull away, I knew that, but I didn't want to.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" I ask with a frown, "When I came to see you, you could've told me that."

Face twisting with frustration, Nikola grimaces, "I could barely get words out fighting against the bond and link. I should've used better ones, but I was overwhelmed and just needed to get you away from me."

I blink at him, not sure I'd heard that part right.

"You were overwhelmed?" I ask, trying to imagine the person in front of me as anything other than in control.

Sighing gently, Nikola's lips twitch upwards just a little, "You overwhelm me."

"I do?" I ask, heart racing hard now as his smile grows into something so sweet my brain fizzles.

"Hagen," Nikola whispers for only me, "I've shown you what you do to my world when you're near, when I see you. Never doubt the way you wreck me."

My mouth falls over while everything inside of me gives, softening under Nikola's words and his affections.

Faster than I was ready for, the resentment, anger, self-hated, and everything else that weighed me down this last week, floated away. The winds pick them up when they pass again, taking it far away as I look at the regretful look in my mate's eyes, which promised none of it had been intentional.

"You..." I fought with myself, not sure if I wanted to share them but unable to stop them. "You wreck me too."

Whether it was the touch or the bond, I felt the joy that licks a path up Nikola at the confession. It was a pure type of unfiltered pleasure that spread between us, making him so happy I was suddenly desperate to give him more.

"I've been a mess this week," I confess, talking fast before I could talk myself out of it. "I didn't know what was going on, a-and I thought maybe it was something I did-"

"It wasn't," Nikola promises, cutting me off sternly. "I promise it wasn't anything you did. I'm sorry I made you think even for a moment it was."

Something blissful settles over me at his words, so sure there wasn't any room for doubt inside of me, so I nodded quickly, and brought my hands over his. Nikola's purple glow sparks at the contact as his eyes zone in there before they slowly life back to me.

"I don't know what changed," I admit while I feel my own eyes burn bright, "but these last few days have been hard."

With a heavy sigh, Nikola rests his head to mine, holding me close while he breaths deep, "It was the same for me."

"Really?" I ask while I try not to psych myself out with how close we'd somehow gotten.

One minute we were apart and now we were... I close my eyes and tighten the grip I had on his hands, using it to ground me, so I didn't ruin this.

"I've built that lego penguin twenty-six times," he confesses.

I shake against him with laughter as a few snorts escape me, my heart filling with joy. I hum gently, "So you liked your gift?"

"I loved it," Nikola corrects seriously, "I love that penguin, Hagen."

Laughing harder, I can't help the smile that makes my cheeks hurt, "I'm glad to hear it."

Swiping his thumbs over my cheeks again, Nikola relaxes against me, "Thank you for such a thoughtful present."

"You're welcome," I reply while pride swells inside of me, "but the real question is, was it really the best birthday present ever?"

"You already know that it was," 

Grinning like a fucking fool, I try not to squirm while I breathe Nikola in, scenting his happiness and comfort that matched my own as we stood like this. It was closer than we ever were, ever than I ever thought I could manage, but it wasn't so scary now that it was happening.

Yeah, he had a dick, but it wasn't as if I was touching said dick right now, and we weren't doing anything that made me feel uncomfortable. 

In fact, this was the most comfortable I'd felt in a long time.

I don't realize I'm leaning into Nikola's palm, nuzzling it, until he stiffens against me. Once I do though, I freeze at well, heart-stopping while I try to work a way out of it. But even as my face heated with embarrassment, I didn't want to pull away.

And why should I? I hadn't seen him in five days, and even I couldn't fight my body's urge to be close. So with a bit of Zyair's courage, I let myself relax into Nikola's large palms again.

The payoff is immediate as Nikola shifts his fingers, caressing my skin gently before he suddenly snatches himself away with a groan. 

I blink at him, shocked out of the momentary peace while he backs away, his jaw locked with tension like the rest of his body.

"Too much," he forces out gruffly, his gaze heady with lust and fear as well.

Fear that I'd run, turn around and leave him, but I wanted to do the complete opposite because, for the first time that I'd witnessed with my own eyes, Nikola showed me that he had truly grown from the kid who moved on impulses alone.

He'd made promises and claims, but he'd actually pulled away from me just now, even though I could see clearly he hated doing it.

It was that, that one act, that had me smiling at my mate who flooded my world with pleasure, as if it never existed before him.

There wasn't a doubt about it now. Nikola Amorenia was going to wreck me completely.

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These two make me feel like I keep respawning on traintracks. I don't know, that's just how I feel.

Thoughts????

Thoughts on Nikola's apology, their interactions and that last scene lnknfwrknsfe????
Thoughts on the song?

I truly did not expect them to be like this so early in the book, but I love their push and pull. I feel like they're going to be a crazy ride, but I just love where they are now. AHHH I love Hagen, I really do.

Also, little tidbit, Ruben was one of the guys mentioned in the first memory chapter with Radha (RIP RadhaxHagen)!

I'm not sure when the next update will be, I'm going to work on Patreon and Master for a double update, but I'll know I go with the flow.

Vote up if you enjoyed this chapter, and make sure to leave any thoughts in the comments!!!

Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeee Humansssssssss