I wake abruptly after another nightmare of Thresh killing me. But this time the man from the party stands by and watched as well ,next to all of the tributes I had murdered. I fall back sleep but it gives me no relief.

Nimit barges the door shouting about another busy day is ahead. I smile. I didn't know something as simple a that could make me grin foolishly. I throw off the covers and realise I'm still wearing the dress and makeup from yesterday. My knife shoes abandoned on the floor

"Don't tell me you slept in that and your makeup. That's terrible terrible terrible for your skin" Nimit sighs

She pushes me into the bathroom and tells me to wash it off for the prep team and then she hands me a T-shirt and shorts from the wardrobe. She gathers the dress and accessories and hangs them neatly brushing out the creases with her hands looking pleased with herself

"That's better" she claps as I emerge fresh faced and showerd. "You know your skin won't last forever!" She says

Nimit pulls me into the main room where Enobaria is already sitting.Brutus and Cato yet again are no where to be seen. Nimit sits a seat away from Enobaria patting the seat beside her. I see I front of that seat is a bowl of porridge. My mouth waters looking at the bowl. I move over to the table instinctively. I sit down

"I don't deserve this, you saw the bodies of the other tributes. They were emancipated. While we where Gready and kept the food to ourselves" it comes out my mouth before I can't stop it

I've never really manged to put into words my reasoning behind the need for this sort of control or punishment on myself. it just another excuse I made up in my head but I'm not sure.

"You were playing a game, you did what you needed to survive. The games over now" Enobaria says

"I thought you would know better than all people that the games never over." I say bluntly

"Yes, but it was worth a shot. I noticed you like berries though" she drops a handful into the porridge mixing it in.

I roll my eyes and smile. I can't believe she took the time to notice. Something so small.

"Oh well I can't not eat it now." I say sarcastically

I look into the bowl. Knowing deep down the sooner I finish it the sooner I get home, each swallow is like a rock sliding down my throat. I don't even realise there are hot tears on my face. Why do I feel like I failed myself. It makes no sense. I wipe them away quickly and get up.

"Where's Cato and Brutus?" I ask trying to turn the attention of me

"They're already dressed for today. There meeting fans" Enobaria says

"Yes yes" adds Nimit "we thought better him than you. You see he has a bit more umm pizzazz than you" she trails off.

"It doesn't offend me. I know his the people pleaser. I could tell people liked him more as soon as you dressed him in gold" I say

The prep team come in and start working on me yet again. It's the new prep team again. I guess Desmond decided to permanently swap with Cinna then. I guess that was his little victory in Cato's stylist moving up the stylist ranks. Cinna entres and ushers them away.

He dresses me. It's a silver again but the kneckline is like a turtle kneck and he tucks Finch's knecklace into it. And it's not a dress it's a full body suit. It's replicating the amour we got in our bag at the feast. But It has a sliver holographic cape draped from the shoulders reaching just above the floor.

"It's more modest. I heard what happend last night. I'm sorry" says cinna

I nod looking in my reflection. My hair is half pulled up. The other half tumbles down to my waist. The part that's done up has the now iconic spheres in it again.

"Did you think she was going to win?" I ask him

"I told her if I could bet, I would bet on her" he replies

"She could've won but Finch-" I cut off my sentence I can't help but think I'm always being watched

He leans in close. Touching my sternum where the necklace is hidden
"Fox face was clever. She knew what she was doing. I wish nobody in that arena was dead. But I'm glad someone who I can work with came out of it" he says

"Fox face? Is that Finch" I ask

"Yes it's what katniss called her" he says

"Oh" I say not knowing what else to talk about

"Katniss would've rooted for you if she knew the real you" he says "I swapped my girl on fire for the girl with the knives" He says

He words are comforting and we make easy convosation untill it's time for the interview. It's just in the sitting room. Camera are now set up and the long sofa has been replaced with three arm chairs. Cesar shakes my hand and congratulates me. A while later Brutus and Cato walk in. Caesar shakes his hand and congratulates him to. We both sit.

Somebody counts backward and we're being broadcasted live across all of Panem. Caesar stats by introducing us

"Good afternoon panem. And what a good afternoon it is!" His grin is eerily white "I'm here with your victors of the 74th annual hunger games! Cato Hadley and Clove Kentwell! Or you might now then better as Brutal bloody Cato and the girl with knives! She never misses!" I smile at the camera.
"And I would also like to say a very special message. Happy 16th Birthday to our very own Clove!"

He words confuse me. Is it my birthday? Yes. I can't believe a forgot. I just hadn't been keeping track of the days.
"Thank you Caesar. I'm so happy to have spent my birthday it the capitol" I say

"And we're happy to have you here" he replies

He asks questions tactfully avoiding anything about our relationship. He asks about anything and everything that happens in the arena. He asks about how it felt to train for the games and be apart of them. How I felt when I saw the vest of knives, when I made my kills. I act like I enjoyed every moment of it. But most questions are at the crowd favourite Cato. His question about Finch catches me off guard

"And what did you think when you saw Finch. I noticed she looked very similar to one of your friends we interviewed whilst you were in the games?" Ask Caesar

His talking about Mae he noticed the same resemblance I did when I first saw her.

"I thought she was clever" I reply "but when it came down to it she wouldn't win a fight against us"

But she could. As engraved on the back of the necklace I wear. She could've won the games. She saw something bigger than all of us. I can't leave her memory like that

"I learnt from her though. Don't underestimate." I add

He moved on satisfied with my answer. Asking Cato what he thought of Thresh. Clearly on the subject of other tributes. He than asks about our allies. We tell him they were strong competition and benefited us greatly. Then he asks

"talking about the tributes, I never asked you about Thresh. We saw for the first time out girl with the knives scared. I think I can talk for all of us when I say we were terrified as well" he tilts his head forward like his sad about it. But he will never know the fear I felt

I freeze at the question what do I say
"Well Caesar. As you've said I never miss. My wepons are more long distance. And I'm sure you know I'm quite good at hand to hand combat . But that boy easily lifted me a foot into the air. I'm not naive enough to think I could take him myself at close range. So I called for my Allie" I say matter of factly hoping my voice isn't shaking.

Caesar nods and continues with questions . Before we know it the interview is over. Cato and I get up together. And walk over to our teams. Enobaria and Brutus nod almost in union confirming we've done a pretty good job at convincing the capitol were just merciless killers.

As soon as it's over Cato, Brutus, Nimit, Enobaria and I are ushered into a car with blacked out windows. We arrive at the train station and file out. We are instantly loaded onto a train. Though I havnt known cinna for a long time he's become some sort of comfort and I want to say bye to him. But I'll see him in a few months for the victory tour. Where we'll travel to every district show casing the fact we won. The train begins to move and we head back through the tunnel plunging us into semi-permanent darkness.

I instantly go to Cato
"Not yet" he whispers

So he too can't shake the feeling that any display of affection twords eachother will be punished. I understand. That doesn't mean I'm not mad about it. I finally get this boy only for him to be pulled away from me.

I storm to my room ripping off the outfit and scrubbing my face harshly to rid me of capitol makeup. I pull on a grey knitted sweater, slim black trousers and boots.
I fought to hard to not have Cato now. Too long and too hard. I March myself past everyone into Catos chamber.

I shove open the door from on look I can tell His been thinking the same thing because we throw ourselves into each others arms. Sinking slowly to the floor. He leans in and kisses me. It feels a hundred times better then the kiss in the arena. We're no longer tired with cracked lips. But desperate for eachother. I mean truly how long can we fall before we start climbing back up. Fighting our way to our happy ending.

We pull apart and a massive smile spreads across Catos face.

"I missed you" he says

"I missed you too" I smile back.

It feels weird, I feel like we've become somewhat dependent on eachother. I would be dead without him twice over.

"Clove, I don't know how we're going to do this, pretend we don't care for eachother" he eyes are glossy and threaten to spill tears

I brush a golden lock from his forehead
"I don't know etheir maybe they'll let us be friends or something."
Even as I say it I'm not hopeful and I can tell Catos unsure too

"They're watching us" he says

"I know. But nobody can see us this isn't televised I'm sure it won't matter. As long as we act indifferent untill the cameras leave we'll be fine. Completely fine. Trust me we'll be fine" I say

I'm not sure if I'm assuring him or myself more. We finally get up off the floor and I move over to Catos bed. He changes out of the gold suit from the interveiw into simple clothes. And we head to the carriage with the TV. Nimit and the mentors already sit in front of it. Nimits head whips around rapidly. She looks angry but I'm not sure what about did we do somthing wrong? Oh no this could be bad. Were we not convincing after all?

"You didn't tell me it was your birthday!" She yells

A laugh escapes my lips and Catos laughter follows. Maybe it's relief. Maybe it's because I need somthing to be happy about.

"I didn't know" I shrug

"How could you not know! There should've been a massive celebration. Your a Victor after all." Nimit says

Even Enobaria and Brutus are smiling thinking about this women's priorities.

"Honestly Nimit, it isn't important to me" I say

She walks off in a huff saying how she needs to organise something. But comes back through the door about five minutes later composed with a grin on her face. She holds a small parcel and tells me to open it. Everybody looks at me expectantly. It's a golden charm shaped in the letter C and next to it another pice of Jewellery engraved with C is attached to a chain like dog tags that the peace keepers wear for identification .

"The silver ones for Cato because clove is normally silver, and the gold one is for clove I thought it would go with the necklace you already had. And your names both begin with C, nobody will know there for each others names and not your own. Even when your apart you'll be close!" Says Nimit

I undo the clasp on Finch's necklace a thread the small C onto the chain, whilst Nimit puts Catos over his head.

I hug Nimit "thank you" I say "they're brilliant"

She smiles enthusiastically obviously happy with herself. We sit onto the sofa together and start to watch the rest of the replay but turn it off almost immediately. Knowing none of us really want to watch it. Cato leans close to me and I lean a head onto his shoulder. Capitol escorts start to enter the room so Cato and I shuffle away from each other. They lay a table full of loads of foods. Just looking at it makes me feel nauseous.

We all sit around the table like we did on the journey to the capitol. Nimit still sits at the head of the table but I sit opposite Enobaria and next to Brutus. Instead of next to Cato. But I don't care. We don't need to be constantly close. In fact the idea of being with one person all times of a day with no privacy makes me squeamish. I know that we have a bond that can't be broken by distance. Maybe I wouldn't mind though if it was Cato I was constantly with him in the arena. I wonder what a life would be like with him. I neglected to think of a future with him because of the games. And now it's possible. Maybe as long as it's not on camera.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Brutus snapping his fingers

"What?" I ask

"What do you want" he replies gesturing to the food in front of us

"Oh I don't know" I say

"And we're back to square one" he sighs

He grabs a bowl of vegetable soup and puts it on my plate. I'm so stupid after everything I've been through my biggest adversary was my own mind.
You don't deserve this. You should've just died
The thought only just crossed my mind if I died Cato would've lived without the threats from the capitol looming over his head. I'm the reason Cato won't get to live the life of a Victor. It comes so suddenly I stand knocking my chair back onto the floor
"It's all my fault" I gasp
and run

I run back to the end of the train. Not quite knowing what to do. But I know I'm still in that arena I never really left. And I still have to die, for Cato to live. But I've worked so hard to survive. I pull a chest of drawers in front of the door so nobody can come in. I walk to the window desperate for air. It doesn't open. I've trapped myself. I need to escape. I start pounding at the glass with my fist untill blood splatters all over the window. I sink to the floor cradling my fist trying to make myself small. So small I could stand a chance of fading away completely. I don't know how long I'm sitting there.

My senses completely lost, but I hear a banging at the door and wonder how long it's been going on for. I walk reluctantly to the door and pull the drawers to the side. Brutus comes crashing through. Landing on the floor. Cato, Nimit and Enobaria where standing to the side. Brutus gets up of the floor swearing like a fiend.

"I should've died in that arena" I sob "Thresh was ment to kill me and then everything would've been ok" I hang my head down staring at my hand. It throbs with pain I hadn't noticed before. They just stand there almost shellshocked at the words. But I'm just speaking what I know to be true. A few capitol attendants have started to come over Brutus stand in the door his frame blocking the whole thing. Enobaria whispers somthing to Cato and he immediately starts ushering away the capitol people. After all we still have to keep up the act with them. They tell there friends back at the capitol what they saw it spreads like wildfire and everyone I love is a goner.

Nimit opens a cabinet attached to the wall that reveals first aid supply's. And Brutus guides me to the edge of my bed sitting beside me with his hand around around my shoulder. It could be a kind gesture, or he could just be assuring I don't run away. I don't know where I'd run to on a train though. I'm glad Catos not here. I would hate for him to see me like this. Though if I was being selfish I do want him here. Enobaria grabs the wrist of my hand holding it still and Nimit pours some sort of liquid across my knuckles. It stings like mad and I try to withdraw my hand but Enobarias grip is tight. After she wraps it in a bandage.

"I'm sorry" I say

"Yeah, you should be" says Brutus "we thought you were trying to do somthing stupid like off yourself.would be a major inconvenience for us. And I heard you mutter in the hospital Finch's name and about changing things. How you gonna do that if your dead. Idiot." Brutus says

Enobaria punches him lightly "hey I remember when you mentored me. You would smash anything in sight when you were mad. So don't go calling other people idiot. Takes one to know one" Enobaria says lighthearted

"Oh yeah, I remember catching you trying to remould your fangs by pulling them on the way home from your games, exactly like this kid. Remoulding her fist on that window. The games broke us all. We're all idiots." Says Brutus

I feel like I'm intruding on a private moment between victors then I remember I am a Victor

"Yeah we're all idiots." I say "it's still my birthday let's go eat some cake"

My despair has suddenly turned into feeling invincible maybe it the adrenaline. This sentence brings a smile to their faces. Nimit even claps her hands together and runs off saying somthing about candles. We walk to the dining cart together seeing Cato amusing the capitol attendants. I flash them a smile and keep walking. Cato joins us. We sit around the table again it's all been cleared except a space in the middle.

We talk for a while about when Brutus had to mentor Enobaria. According to her he was rubbish at it having only won a few years before. We laugh at the conversation forgetting everything that just happened. Apparently the best of victors suddenly have the sudden realisation of everything they've done in the arena.

Nimit eventually clip clops her way into the room claiming her chair. And squels excitedly as the lights dim and a capitol attendant walks in bearing a platter with a round cake in the middle. Candles and sparklers pertrude from it and in the middle it reads happy birthday clove. A part of me can't help the child like excitement from the people singing at me. Brutus singing is surprisingly good. I blow out all the candles
I wish we were safe. All of us.
Nimit hands me the knife and tells me to throw it so it cuts down the centre. My right hand is bandaged so I use my left. It lands perfectly. Slicing the cake down the middle. Brutus then demands it's his go to do it. His lands cutting the cake into quarters.

"Not bad for an old man" laughs Enobaria cutting it one more time, like a normal person and handing a slice to everyone.

I get lost in the moment. Laughing with all this people. The only people in the world who will ever understand. If I could pause a moment and stay in it forever it would be this one. Before I know it my plate is empty. We talk enthusiastically for about an hour before Nimit tells us all to go to bed.

We each head to our rooms. I wait a while then sneak through the darkness into Catos carriage. I open the door quietly .he looks up as I'm Crawling beneath the sheets wrapping my arm around him. Soon I can hear him snoring.

Cato wakes me up early the next morning. He tells me to go to my own room before anybody else wakes up I rub my eyes groggily. But I move knowing his right. I fall back into my bed closing my eyes. I feel like I've just drifted off to sleep when Nimit barges into my room telling me to wake up.

I slip out my clothes and have a shower. My last fancy shower for a few months I think. I savour it. Letting it wash every inch of me. After I get out I put on black leggings, crimson V-neck T-shirt and brown combat boots. It feels normal to be in these clothes. I don't tie my hair I let it fall freely to my waist. I feel it's grown a bit faster then before must be the capitol treatment.

The train pulls to a halt. I hear cheers erupt all the train. The grow in volume Cato must already be out there. Nimit pokes her head round the door and reaches in grabbing my wrist pulling me tword the crowds. She pushes me through a door and suddenly I'm face to face with our train station
I'm home.