It didn't take long before I got discharged from the hospital. Tawan, on the other hand had to stay for a couple more days until his head injuries had recovered. My mom arrived early enough to accompany me during the discharge, so I didn't feel alone leaving the hospital. 

"All set?", My mom asked as she stepped out of the comfort room. 

I had changed to my casual wear and my things were already bagged and are on the bed. I stood in front of the window and looked at the Birch tree out front. The branches no longer scratched the surface of the window pane, it looked like the torrent from last night snapped a few of the tree's twigs. 

So much for the new life it symbolized.

"I'll head out first and settle our bills, you can come right after.", My mom said as she took one of the bags and made her way out of the room.

My eyes darted to the plastic bag of 7-11 on the bedside table. It was the food Tawan got for me. It's true the hospital food tasted awful, so I ate most of it. I didn't want it to go spoiled, so I figured consuming it would be the best thing to do.

I left the room just a few moments after mom left, and as I walked past the hospital corridors, I saw Tawan's room door slightly opened. I stopped midway track and decided to take a look at him just one last time. When I peered through the door, I saw a middle aged man standing next to his bed. He sat on the mattress, his brows meeting each other as if he was arguing with the other person in the room.

"I did not transfer you to that school just to involve yourself in another fight! You wanted to go there didn't you? You begged me. You told me you won't get into fights again if I let you transfer here. And I did. But what happened now? You got yourself involved into a clash again!", The old man scolded him. He looked very masculine for his age, his eyes exuding a very fearsome aura. I guessed that he was Tawan's father as they both wore the same intense gaze.

"It wasn't my fault. I didn't want to punch back, but my friend--"

"your friend? oh, so you're acting like a hero now eh? Stop giving me those useless alibis because I won't believe them.", His dad said as he stormed out of the room.

I quickly reverted and stopped peeping through the door as his father opened the door. He was stunned seeing me standing right outside the room, but I guessed he did not mind it a lot as he only gave me a quick glance before disappearing through the hallway. 

I looked at Tawan once again, and he was staring right outside the room's windows as he sat on the bed. He didn't seem to be admiring the view though, it felt more like he was staring into nothingness.

It's all for the best. I sighed, and met my mom on the hospital's lobby and took off.

After a 30-minute car ride, we finally reached home and I immediately dozed off on my bed. Maybe it was because my health was slowly deteriorating, but lately I'd been feeling drowsy and sleepy. It didn't help that I stayed at the hospital too, because my body was not accustomed to sleeping at the hospital bed even though I did fell into a trance a couple of times.

When I woke up, the Sun already set and the view outside my window showed the stars nestled in the night sky. A faint smell of a familiar food lingered the whole room and into my nose, and it reminded me of someone. It smelt of curry, something so mundane but also foreign to me. I've only had it once, but I knew it smelt of Khao Soi. It was the dish Tawan cooked for me before, and it remained an acquired smell in my memory after that.

"I hope you eat Khao Soi.", My mom said as he prepared the dish on the table. It felt both weird and confusing that she said the same exact words as Tawan when he introduced the food to me, it almost sounded like he was the one who spoke just moments ago.

I made my way to the kitchen and sat opposite to my Mom. We ate in silence, and I didn't know if it was because we were both not in the mood to talk, our the tension brought about by my disease. It was sure though, that talking about my cancer would be the last topic we would want to discuss over dinner. We did talk about how she missed Chiang Mai, and how a lot of things had changed since the last time she'd been here, but other than that, we remained silent.

"It feels good being back home, and sleeping next to my baby", My mom said as she cuddled my like a kid. It felt a little awkward doing it as I was already 18, and her treating me like an eight year old kid felt both weird and fun.

"Mom, it tickles!", I said as I laughed at my mom tickling my sides.

We continued tickling each other until we were already out of breath from too much laughter. By the time we were done, we were completely fatigued and my Mom and I stared into the ceiling as we caught our breath.

"How's your heart, son? Is it well?"

My mom asked out of the blue. I was taken aback by my mom's sudden question. For a while, I couldn't talk back and just breathed as the ceiling we were looking at started to paint a picture of me and Tawan. It was the moments we shared together, the little things we did that somehow became carved at the back of my mind. 

Is my heart well?, I Thought.

Just days ago, my identity was threatened and I saw Tawan fighting for his life trying to keep me from being outed. That caused him to sustain injuries and get hospitalized. At the same time, the doctor told me that I had only three months left to live, and my cancer has metastasized to the other organs. Yesterday, I broke my own heart and Tawan's as I ended our relationship because I feared that he might get more pain the longer he stayed with me.

So was my heart well? of course not. 

"Mom?"

"yes?"

"Do you see how different I am with everyone else?", I asked her as I turned my head to her side. My mom did the same and smiled at me.

"Of course you're different with everyone else. You grew up watching animal planet rather than cartoons, and you have an unbelievable love of desserts. You're quite optimistic, but you limit yourself to people and rarely interacts unless needed.", She replied as she brushed my cheek. Her hand felt warm on my skin, and the way she caressed my cheek felt like I was in my safe space, in the comfort of my own home. If I'd closed my eyes and let her touch me, I'd think it was Tawan beside me and not my mom.

"While you were away, I struggled living. It wasn't because of my cancer, but because I found it hard to go on each day without asking myself, 'am I living my life right?' I'd wake up, cook myself breakfast and go to school, go home right after. That was basically my whole life. I lived like a dead man even before my cancer got worse."

My mom's smile faded as I talked, and her once bright aura shifted to something morose.

"When Kay died, I thought staying in Chiang Mai would make me sane. But I became the opposite. Chiang Mai is a desolate place for an eighteen year old with a terminal illness, it's a sad place for me."

I reached out something from my bag, the notebook where I had my bucket list written.

"I had this list of things I wrote before I started my senior year.", I said as I flipped open the pages of the notebook. My mom and I were already resting on the wall as we looked at the writings.

"Watch a horror movie at the cinema, eat a whole cake, travel, these are the things I wanted to do before I die. I've done pretty much all of them."

Just then, the movie ticket I pasted on one of the page fell of. It reminded me of the day I bumped into Tawan and we both watched the same film. Thinking about it made me miss him more, and how the things I had crossed off in my bucket list all included him. 

"When I wrote all of these things, I thought that maybe I could make my life a worthwhile experience, but as I crossed them off one by one, I only ended up regretting that I remember someone in each of the things I had done in this notebook."

My eyes felt really heavy looking at the notebook in my hand. With each second that passed I'm reminded of the things Tawan and I did, and now that we're no more I couldn't bring myself to look at the things the way they used to be before we met. The sheets that covered my legs no longer meant a piece of blanket, but rather the kiss we shared that night as I submitted myself to him. The moon never looked like the moon, but instead the light that was both the guide and witness to the intimacy that we developed in each other's arms, burning slowly but never blown out. I cried, a river of tears flowing down my cheeks as I hugged the notebook that held the memories of me and Tawan. It was too much pain for me to bear, and beside my mom where I felt the most comfortable, I also felt vulnerable.

"Mom, I'm gay.", I confessed. 

My mom didn't utter a word for a few moments, and only my sobbing echoed through the entirety of the room. I felt so pained, more harrowing than the strain brought about by my cancer, with no amount of pain reliever able to ease it. I wasn't ready to lose him, neither of us were, but it was the best thing I could offer him after all the suffering he went through just because of me. The split would seem like a grueling moment for him, but I wanted him to start living a life without me in it before everything turned grim.

As I lamented over us, I felt a pair of hands wrap around me. My mom pulled me into a tight embrace as she brushed my hair, her hug tightening as she kept me in tact in her arms. It gave me a sense of relief that she hugged me, and the absence of words didn't matter as I already knew how she felt when she squeezed me tight.

"My poor child...it must have been a tough struggle for you, keeping yourself closeted all these years. I never even noticed your pain whenever we talked because you were all smiles whenever we conversed, but deep inside you must have been tormented. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.", My mom cried as she kept me in her arms. I could feel her tears falling into my scalp, but all I could think of was how grateful I am that the woman in my life accepted me for who I am. I felt strong knowing she was beside me, and I had nothing else to hide.

"I'm sorry if I disappointed you Mom, I...It's just who I am."

"No, baby, you were never a disappointment to me, and hearing you say it now when you're at your weakest? It made me even prouder that I had a son as tough as you. I'm only half the kind of person that you are, and I want you to know that you've already achieved something great by showing me who you really are, and accepting yourself even when the world seemed like a cruel place to be. I love you a lot, son."

"I love you too, Mom."

Once again, the moon witnessed a moment I held dear in my heart. It was an unreal bit of my mom and I as we embraced each other to sleep, my vulnerability paving the way for the truth to linger between the two of us. I felt susceptible and frail, but it took no more than an embrace to relieve myself of the heaviness in my heart.