"You're such a disappointment, Ana!" you always looked at my mistakes.

"Look at your brother, he's the top of his class, when are you gonna be like him?" I'm not a prodigy.

"Your brother is so smart, Ana, can you introduce him to me? I have a question for him in calculus..." I'm good at math too.

"Ana"

"Hey baby sis"

'NEWS FLASH: FUTURE VALEDICTORIAN TAKES HOME THE TROPHY FOR THE 20TH-'

"Ana, why can't you be like your brother!?"

"Ana"

"I'm so proud to have a sister like you"

"Grow up Ana!"

"Ana please underst-"

"Ana!"

I gasped and looked up to see everyone's eyes on me. They were all wearing black except for me who was wearing white as a final act of rebellion in front of my brother. My mother was holding a handkerchief and a picture of her golden child, crying beside the hole that was dug a few hours earlier. My father was next to her with his arm around her shoulder while staring at me with his brown eyes. They look honey soft when the sun hits the orbs, but today, they were cold as the storm that was brewing up above.

It was in the middle of cold November when Cameron Chase, a twenty-one-year-old golden child, and a consistent honor student, was found hanging in his apartment.

I didn't cry. Not one bit for the brother that my parents fondly loved despite growing up with him for fifteen years in a cold household.

"Are you gonna say your last words, Ana?" the bald priest said, snapping me back to reality.

I was about to say something but seeing my weeping mother and receiving my father's cold stares numbed back the memories of my brother. Instead, I stepped up and kneeled to clench the soil beneath my feet. I feel everyone's pair of eyes following my action as I looked down at the casket that held my dead brother's body.

"Ana please underst-"

My hand clenched tighter around the soil as my jaw clenched at the memory of the last phone call I had with my brother. To think that I would never see his face this Christmas left a bitter taste in my tongue. I glared six feet below me. His grave was full of roses considering the number of friends he had in high school before cutting them off when he went to college. He was loved, literally by everyone that I know, yet he died selfishly leaving his unloved sister behind in the cold house.

I dropped the soil around my fingers to his grave before angrily running off the cemetery. The clouds blessed the earth with rain, every step I took was followed by the tears that dropped from heaven. I reached the two-story house that I grew up in and stood outside the fences. I looked to my right to see the tree that I used to climb before going in and remembering how much I used to bring my playmat and play legos on the front porch. I walked the house of memories and looked around the interior to get a glimpse at the ghost of my childhood.

Eating junk while binge-watching 'Friends', burning the kitchen, running around the house while breaking grandma's precious china in the process. It was faint but it pulsed in my head as a smile of nostalgia made its way to my face. I was a troublemaker and still am until now.

I passed by the bathroom to see my face in the reflection. I studied the girl- no, the woman before me. She has pink thin lips, high cheekbones, and green forest eyes that have the same mischievous glint as her mother's. She inherited her father's wavy black hair while her mother's blond hair was passed down to her son. And finally, she has deep dimples and a sharp jaw that she shares with Cameron. Cam...

'I can't believe I'm burying Cam on my eighteenth birthday. Happy birthday to me I guess. God, I'm growing old.' I grimaced before I continued my walk down the corridor.

The looming feeling around the house resumed as I finally reached Cam's bedroom. With a deep breath, I opened the door to my emotions.

My brother's room was full of movie posters that he collected throughout the years. His old PC was collecting dust at the corner of the room as his proud trophies of action figures lay on top of a bookshelf. I was looking around when I found the elephant in the room.

My brother didn't leave a note of any kind but they found cassettes that are addressed to each member of the family. My parents haven't listened to theirs, they weren't ready to hear it as mine, well...I didn't touch it out of anger but today, I was gonna face the music.

"Hey it's me Cam, Cameron Chase"

'How original brother, I swear you're making a reference to Hanna Baker'

"I know that you're thinking about that damn show Ana, trust me I know"

Hearing him laugh nervously made me giggle alone in the room. As his voice died down, I felt the change through the tape.

"I- uh...I don't know where to start baby sis. I know It's gonna be weird when you hear this after I- I-," I heard him swallow nothing.

"It's gonna be hard for them... and I just want you to listen to me for once..." His shallow voice took a shaky breath as he sniffed. I know he had sinusitis since his heater broke in his apartment but today was different. It was the same noise he made when we hugged before he left for college.

He was crying.

"I was diagnosed with anxiety and borderline personality disorder when I was sixteen," the air left my lungs when I heard it.

"You might not believe me but It's true. I used to have this pressure behind my back whenever I wait for the grades and panic attacks when school was being too much. Mom and dad tried to help but...they don't know how to handle it. Then there was Jessica," there was a pause as if he was reminiscing the past before he sighed.

"God, I loved that woman...but she left me for England, her fiance was already waiting for her from her vacation. Can you believe it!? She called me a vacation when I gave her every ounce of my love and attention!" he was breathing heavily from the rant before he continued.

"Anyway long story short, she left me numb and empty, and there it showed my symptoms of BPD. I was depressed for weeks and had terrible mood swings before I resorted to my addiction to self-harm. I had abandonment issues and mom and dad were scared to lose me. I was going crazy for a year before they finally got me some help. You never knew this because I asked them to hide it from you. I don't want you to know this side of me and I would never want to show you this- this- broken and- and- pathetic side of your brother." By now, I was holding my tears while I heard my brother's voice on the other side.

"I'm sorry that-" he sniffed.

"I'm sorry that I have to be mom and dad's golden child, I'm s-sorry that I have their love and attention- that they neglected you when you were just eleven- God, you were just eleven." He cried harder when he said it and I was holding back tears that fell unapologetically. I clenched the walkman in my hands as I leaned forward from the sitting position that I took earlier.

'I remember.' I remember the day dad started giving me his second glances and walked away as mom would only tend to my unknowingly diagnosed brother every damn time he comes home. I only watched it happen. I was waiting. I was waiting to be noticed, I was patient to love, I was easy to shut up as I watched a couple love someone that I called my brother. My breath ran erratically as I felt hands on my neck, guns in my head, and shadows that whispered doubts to my senses.

It was hard to focus on his voice.

"Ana, your brother is sick, why can't you do a simple task?" I was sick too but you gave me the cold shoulders.

I never told mom the fever that I endured while he was only coughing.

"Ana your brother's name is always called on stage, when are you going to study properly?" I'm sorry if I'm too dumb for this.

I never told them about the art contest that I won countless times.

"I'm sorry that you have to endure the hardship..."

"It wasn't just hardship"

"-The cold stares..."

"those stares were knives.."

"-And everything that you went through Ana"

"I HAVE BEEN A STRANGER IN THIS FAMILY CAM!" I yelled in an empty room, only receiving no replies. I could imagine my brother, sitting in the same position as me, breathing through the walkman as his ghost squeezed his neck. I calmed myself down for a minute and almost believed the recording ended in silence when he started talking again.

"You are the strongest person that I've ever known, Ana"

I blinked at the words.

"I could never handle going through what you experienced and I could've never survived high school without the feeling of wanting to die every time I'm alone. I was better, or at least better," he chuckled and sniffed.

"but I relapsed in college and I felt like dying without mom and dad's voice through the phone. My life was falling apart again, my grades were dropping and I stopped taking my pills." I heard my brother taking deep breaths.

"I know that you think that you're unloved, abandoned, and shunned by our parents-"

"Ohh stop with the excu-"

"-Ana please understand"

My face softened as I reminisced the same words that he told me on the phone that day. I was tired of being treated like nothing that I blew up on my brother. I gulped the bile in anticipation.

"Please understand that I tried. I talked to mom and dad- always did and I too tried, I tried to make it up to you. I always hanged out with you every chance that I get and gave you my everything. I gave you my love when no one did but I messed up in the end. Our parents gave me their love and attention when they failed to give it to someone who- who needed it the most- I messed up It's my fault- It's-It's all my fault Ana," he was crying again but I got the feeling that he was gonna end it.

"Please understand and forgive me Ana- forgive mom and dad. It was never your fault..." He whispered the last words.

"And it's not yours too, Cammy." I sobbed as I felt my heart crushing at the tone that he was using.

"Please give them a second chance-"

"Cammy, please..."

"Please be strong- always be strong baby sis- I don't think I can make it this time- I don't think I can play with you anymore-"

"Please don't..." I sobbed at the walkman.

"I love you baby sis-"

I cried like I was losing my brother the second time.

"I love you and I'm proud of you"

"Please don't leave me..." I whispered in the cold room as the walkman ended its recording. I was crying and I wanted to scream but my voice wasn't coming out as I closed my eyes to burn the echo of his voice in my memory.

'My brother was really gone.' I keep seeing him despite shutting my eyes tighter. He was the one to get me down the tree. He was the one to play legos with me. The one who gave me the DVDs of 'Friends'.The one who taught me how to cook, and my partner in crime who broke grandma's china. 'He's gone... .'

He was the one to approach me throughout the years but I pushed him away. He walked me up to the stage when he found out I won a contest. He knew I hated studying because I love to paint. He knew I had a fever and tended to me despite catching a cold. He was there but I was blind to see the love and support that he gave to me.

"I love you and I'm proud of you." His voice ringed in my head as my heart ached to hear it again. 'I'll miss you so much.'

I heard the door open as I saw mom and dad at the threshold. I stood up and removed the headphones. I looked the other way and subtly wiped my tears before facing them.

"Wow, it sure is dusty here," I sniffed. "I might need aunt Jazmin's voodoo after all." I laughed shortly before I noticed Mom's teary eyes and Dad's soft honey eyes, they were holding a cassette that said 'mom and dad'. I gulped, not knowing what to do.

"Ana I..." My mother choked on her words as she came forward. I took a step back. The action inflicted a wound on my mother as she paused on her step.

"Ana I- your brother was-"

"-I know..." I whispered at the space between us. The air was getting colder in silence before my father broke the ice.

"We are sorry Ana." I looked at my father's eyes and for the first time, it was filled with guilt.

"I know it doesn't mean anything after six years but we thought that it was best to give Cam all the love he could get." I remained silent as I watched them both.

"We don't know how to give you the love that you deserve and we were afraid that we were in too deep with how we treated you for the first year," I could hear the pain in my mother's voice when she spoke.

"I don't want to lose my baby girl," her unshed tears finally fell as dad came to her rescue and held her in her chest. My heart was breaking in six long years. But those words glued some cracks in my heart. I wasn't a stranger, they haven't forgotten.

"Cam said to give you a chance," I said after a minute and looked down the wooden floor. I felt the warmth as the sunset hit my back. They looked at me with hope.

I was tired of fighting. I was tired of waiting and being exiled. I was afraid to get hurt and go back into the process of agony but a part of me wants to give in, to be loved. To be truly loved.

"It may take time to heal six years of heartbreak..." I finally looked up, matching my mother's teary green eyes. 'I want to go home.'

"But for Cam, I'm willing to try again," I said with resolution before meeting my parents in the middle for a hug. It felt relieving to cross the border, to meet them between the lines, and to feel home in their arms. I closed my eyes to feel them closer as they tighten their hold in the hug.

I may have hated my brother for being the golden child and may have also said some hurtful things as my last words to him. But he was also my best friend and the only reason that I was healing. My parents just have to stitch me back together in time.

'I don't know where you are Cam, but if you're watching this...' I opened my eyes to looked at my parents. For the first time in six years, I was finally able to give them a real smile.

'Thank you for everything.'

-In loving memory of Bryan, forever my brother and lego buddy.