I changed the chapter name

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Feeling

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Chapter 23: Feeling (Emilia's POV)

By the time I was done getting ready and the only thing remaining was getting dressed, I had hidden in the bathroom enough. 

I know what came over me but somehow I also don't. I freaked out, but I can't understand why and don't even get me started on all the things I told him. Half of them, I don't even understand. I don't even know why I told him that I want something I shouldn't. 

What does that even mean?! 

I came out of the bathroom, heading to the bed where my dress was splayed out so it wouldn't get wrinkled while Adam was sitting in one of the chairs by the coffee table. He had his pants on for the night but no shirt and was messaging someone on his phone before he dialed a number and put it to his ear before glancing up and noticing me. He didn't say anything, just stood up and went into the balcony to talk to whoever was on the phone. He closed the door, leaving it open just an inch. 

I wonder who he's talking to. 

I grabbed the dress by the straps and held it up so it wouldn't touch the ground and then went into the bathroom, hanging the dress on the back of the door before taking off my robe and unzipping the dress, slipping it on. 

The dress was just a little darker than the typical emerald green. The straps met behind my neck, making it a halter dress with a deep v-shaped neckline. The dress had that mermaid shape which hugged my upper body and hips nicely and followed that shape down to my feet before the extra length of the dress pooled around me on the floor. The entire dress had delicate patterns made from sequins in the same shade as the dress running down the entire length of it. 

My makeup was done and my hair was done as much as it could be too, I made it the fanciest I could. Two strands from the front were braided and pulled back into one and then the rest of the hair was made into a different kind of braid as well with a few thin curls framing my face. My curls were pretty loose today so that made things easier. 

I opened the bathroom door and walked out, finding Adam standing right in front of the door, his back to me as he faced the mirror and worked on his tie. I slipped past him and grabbed the emerald green heels I brought with me and then moved to the chairs by the balcony, sitting there and wearing my heels. I glanced at him while adjusting the strap around my ankle and saw him huff and roll his eyes as he took the tie off and tried again. 

He... still can't tie a tie? 

I stood up, fixing the skirts of my dress, and then contemplated taking my phone. I didn't really want to take it with me since I'm not even carrying a purse of any sort, so I left it on my nightstand and then stole another glance at him. 

He took a step back, fixing up the tie, and then grabbed his suit, slipping it on. "Are you ready?" he asked, turning to me. He caught me by surprise and knew I was staring at him but I covered it up as best as I could. 

"Uh, yeah. I am. But it's still a little early... Should we um, should we go there early?" 

"Fifteen minutes left, we could wait here if you prefer that." 

And do what? Just sit together in an awkward silence now that we've argued again? 

I paused, my eyes shifting to his crooked tie. Oh, how it tempted me to fix it up. "We could just go," I mumbled, glancing at the rest of his clothes. 

He looked good. He always looked good. Dressed in all black, he looked handsome, even in that damn crooked tie. He paused and my eyes snapped back up to him when I realized he was silent. I caught him staring at me, his eyes going down and then coming up the length of the dress before finally meeting mine again. He cleared his throat, pocketing his hands. "Should we go then?" 

I nodded briefly before following him to the door which he held open for me and then led the way. 

Once we got in the elevator, I felt a little trapped. We were arguing and I have to admit, I picked the fight this time around. I mean, especially this time around. We had to talk about it but when? How? So far, every time I've decided to talk things out with him, I just get scared and back out again. 

I get scared but I don't know how I'm feeling. I have no idea how I feel about Adam. He was my friend, nothing more apart from that one slip up and it never should have happened that way. 

It wasn't a good idea and I knew that but I pushed it anyway and it only confused him more. We were tipsy and so out of it. Both our parents had gone out that night for a late dinner, they said they'd be out much later than usual and we weren't supposed to leave the house but one of the guys on the football team had invited Adam and he didn't want to go at all but especially alone. 

But the problem didn't start that night for me. It started days, weeks, maybe even months before that when I realized I had a huge crush on Adam. One that never should have formed in the first place. I was feeling things towards him that I had no right to feel. I was his best friend and he was mine, my feelings would only complicate things more. Unfortunately for us, by that point, I had already kept things to myself for too long and while I didn't blurt out a drunk confession when we got home from the party, I ended up kissing him. Or maybe he kissed me? 

The worst part is I don't even remember it clearly, it's all one big blurry mess of bits and pieces.

We both were fairly tips, not hammered but nowhere near sober. We hitched a ride with some other people from the party and when Adam tried going back to his own house, I didn't let him. He didn't argue too much either because Remy had gone over to spend the night with Aspen anyway, so he agreed to stay with me. 

I was humming to a Disney song, likely from The Little Mermaid as we climbed upstairs. I let out a loud yell when I lost my footing but relaxed when he caught me, pulling me back up and steadying me. 

He let out a strained sigh and put an arm around my waist, staring down at me. "Careful," he said slowly, blinking his hazy and unfocused eyes. 

"Sorry," I mumbled half-heartedly. He sighed again and bent down, scooping me up, almost losing his balance as he did. Luckily, I caught onto the railing and he tightened his hold on me, steadying us both. I giggled, staring at his face as he took one step at a time towards my room. "You're tipsy, I'm tipsy," I sang, throwing my head back and closing my eyes. "Itsy, bitsy, tipsy. But we're so smart, nobody will ever know we snuck out to this party. Right?" 

He kicked my door open and walked to the bed, throwing me onto it. 

I let out a whine, kicking my shoes off and scooting upward before looking at him. "You're mean." 

"Go to sleep, Ruby," he groaned, kicking his shoes off to the side before sitting on the left of the bed and telling me to scoot over. I did, making room for him. He lay down beside me, on his side and I mirrored him out of habit, both of us facing each other now. He blinked. I blinked. And we just stared at each other. 

I don't know if he read it in my eyes or if I really moved closer like he says I did, but it became too obvious. I wanted him. He wanted me too. But it wasn't right. 

Unfortunately for us, we didn't care enough in the state of mind we were in. The next thing we knew, we were kissing. Really kissing and then he moved forward, hovering over me. His shirt came off, my dress came off and things just kept going from there. We would have been dead had we not woken up in the middle of the night, before our parents saw us the next morning, and gotten properly dressed. 

The next morning when I woke up, I thought he'd be gone. But he was just sitting on the bed against the headboard with his head tipped back and his eyes closed. 

The first thing he said to me was, "We should probably never see each other again. And I'm not kidding. I mean it, Rubes." 

And me being the lovestruck girl I was, I played it off like it was nothing. "Don't be stupid. We were drunk, it doesn't have to mean anything." 

"Emilia," he said sternly, staring at me as I sat beside him now. "You were a virgin and you didn't tell me." 

"It's not such a big deal, Adam." 

"It is to me. You..." he trailed off in frustration. "That's now what should have happened." 

"But it did." 

"But it shouldn't have. You deserve better than that for your first time. It shouldn't have been me." 

"Adam." 

He turned to me but couldn't hold my gaze for too long. 

"I don't trust any guy as much as I trust you. I probably never will either. And if anything, I brought it upon us, it was my idea. Plus, it was... good. I mean, I had fun, I- I don't regret it. First times aren't such a big deal, at least mine isn't for me. But you know what is a big deal?" 

He stared at me. 

"Our friendship. I don't want to lose it over this stupid thing. So, let's agree to forget about it and pretend it never happened." 

He shook his head softly. "It won't change the fact that I was your first. And I didn't even know it.," he scoffed softly.

"Well, I never told you I had sex with another guy. If I did, I probably would have told you. Honestly. I just don't want to lose you as my friend. Please?" 

I should have realized it then but I didn't. I realize it now every time I think about that night. The only reason I kept my feelings to myself was because I knew I couldn't have him in the way I wanted him, so I thought, if I can't have him in that way, I could at least keep him as my friend. I always played it off, even to myself. Always told myself he was nothing but a friend and that was one slip up. 

But I don't think that's true. I think back then, I loved him. In whatever I knew love to be. What we had, it was love in my mind at some point in our lives. And I remember this thought crossing my head: 

Something tells me... I'm going to love him forever. And if I say something that can hurt him or push him away, I'd rather just keep that to myself and let it hurt me. 

There was a time where Adam meant everything to me and I'd give up just about anything to keep him in my life forever. But when it really came down to it, both of us weren't willing to give each other up for our own lives. And if a relationship ever comes down to that, then the relationship is already lost. 

I realized that when we had our big fall out. And I promised that if I respected myself and cared about my own heart even a little, I wouldn't give up my future for him. 

I wanted Adam to be a part of my future, but he could never be my future all on his own. I have my own life and he does too. You have to be someone yourself before you love someone. And I think we still haven't learned that lesson. And I think that's why I can't fall in love with him again.

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Chapter 23

Ik I'm updating really late today but I had some hw to do during the day

next chapter: dance