I checked the status of my order on the app once more just as the train pulled into the station and I quickly and somewhat easily pushed my way off and headed up the steps and back out into the sunshine.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I briefly panicked thinking it was the pizza ready only to relax as I saw Harry's name on the screen instead and I smiled despite myself as I read his message; which just him letting me know he was leaving work now.

I knew I'd only seen or rather was aware of him at work twice now but Harry seemed to stay late a lot.

Who knew he was such a hard worker.

I ran a hand through my hair as I tried to get it up and off the back of my sticky neck as the pizza shop came into view and I double checked the app again to still see my order being cooked.

I took a seat on one of the stools as I waited, my finger scrolling through my social media absentmindedly as I tried not to be too in my head about hanging out with Harry tonight.

There was no reason for me to be anxious but my anxiety was literally part of my personality at this point and that also reminded me I think I needed a refill on not only my medication but also my birth control.

I was pretty sure I'd started the last pack on Saturday.

"Poppy?"

I jumped at the sound of my name and I pushed off the stool to see the young girl standing behind the counter with several boxes and I smiled politely as she told me the total and I tapped my card before thanking her and heading out.

I shoved my AirPods back into my ears before I started walking, precariously balancing the four boxes in one hand as I rested my phone and AirPods case on the top box and I smiled triumphantly to myself as I managed it.

My phone buzzed in my pocket just as I spotted Harry's car parked on the opposite side of the street to my building and I pulled my phone out just as he climbed out of the car.

Harry 5:52pm: I'm here :)

I smiled at Harry's use of a smiley, I guess he still hated emoji's.

"Hey."

I looked up at Harry just as he pushed his sunglasses up into his hair before he grabbed a hold of the boxes and I smiled in thanks as I put the security code into the building easily enough.

"How are you?" I asked politely once we were stood in the lift.

"M'good. How are you?"

"Tired." I sighed, "And hot."

"But you love the sun? Yeh' can't be complaining now can you, Carmichael?" Harry teased and I swallowed as he used my surname.

"I just got us pizza, be quiet." I laughed as I shoved the key into the door to find it still locked and I assumed Lindsee was still out.

I knew I shouldn't really react like that but I was just used to Harry saying Carmichael in a sneer that it was strange hearing him say it nicely. I didn't know what had changed, I mean apart of us but I wasn't going to complain.

Although I didn't think Harry used my actual name very often.

I guess Carmichael was just another nickname like Flower.

"I'm just going to change, you can eat if you want." I smiled at Harry as he nosed around the lounge, a nod being thrown my way and I forgot that he hadn't seen it since we got our sofa and chairs and TV.

I hope he liked it.

I shook my head as I pulled my trousers off and changed into a pair of shorts instead, why did it matter? I briefly paused to open my window to hopefully cool my room down before I found a t-shirt and pulled my hair up into a messy ponytail before I headed back out.

"Lindsee right?"

I froze in the hallway as I heard Harry's voice and I frowned, he was obviously talking to Lindsee, but, why?

"Yes."

I rolled my lips together in amusement at Lindsee's blunt reply but I didn't make any move to make myself known to them.

"M'Harry. S'nice to meet you." Harry said and I bit my lip. He was trying.

"Yeah, nice to meet you too I guess."

I decided to make myself known then, I didn't expect Lindsee to be so blunt towards him although I knew why; I just wanted everyone to get along.

"Oh hey, Lins." I smiled as Harry looked over his shoulder towards me from his position in the armchair and I swallowed.

Who knew he'd look so at home in my flat.

"Do you want a drink, Harry?" I called as I got myself a glass out and filled it with water, glancing over my shoulder to see Lindsee still hovering and I knew she was waiting to see if she got any of the food.

"Just water please."

I filled a second glass before spinning on my foot and my eyes momentarily strayed to the calendar and I felt my heart drop before I forced the feeling away and handed Harry his glass before taking a seat on the sofa and taking a long sip of my water.

"How was work?" I asked Lindsee just as I pulled my pizza box onto my lap, letting Harry know his was the one underneath and I sucked in a deep breath as I opened the smaller box containing the garlic bread.

"Same old shit." Lindsee muttered making Harry snort and I nodded, aware of her eyes on the garlic bread.

I ripped off the second slice that was mine and closed the box back up so Harry's half wouldn't get cold and handed the slice off to Lindsee, her face lighting up in a smile before she pressed a kiss to my cheek and disappeared from the room.

"She's nice." Harry said after a few moments and I looked at him as I chewed a piece of pineapple and nodded.

"She is." I agreed, silence covering us and I picked at my lip. "Do you want to watch anything?"

"Don't mind. What have yeh' been watching?"

"Criminal Minds." I admitted, shrugging slightly.

"Never seen it." Harry confessed making me look at him in shock.

"You should!" Lindsee's loud voice shouted in from the hallway making me roll my eyes.

"Do you want to? We can start from the first season." I offered.

"How many seasons are there?"

"Fifteen. I think."

"Jesus." Harry muttered making me laugh through the mouthful of pizza. "What season are you on?"

"Five." I said watching as Harry shrugged.

"Would you mind, if we just...talked?"

Harry's question threw me off slightly and I blinked rapidly before nodding slowly at him, aware that he was looking at me and I didn't really want him to think I was a complete psychopath these days.

But it didn't help my anxiety, that was for sure.

"Sure." I forced a smile, "What do you wanna talk about?"

I knew I shouldn't be as worried as I was but Harry wasn't really a talker.

Nevertheless, I loved Harry's voice and he had been one of my favourite people to listen to. But I just couldn't shake the impending feeling of doom in my body.

I knew it was stupid. It was going to be two years ago and things were okay now.

Things were okay right up until the day he broke up with you.

I bit my tongue as my brain betrayed me and brought up the reason I wasn't as happy as I knew I should be with spending time with Harry. And the memory was right, things were almost perfect right up until that day in France.

In fact, even the day itself was good. It was just that night when I decided to talk.

I shook myself out of it, I didn't know what Harry wanted to talk about and for all, I knew he might want to talk about Gatsby and that was more than perfect! I looked over at Harry to find him already looking at me and I flushed as he raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry?"

"Shoulda known yeh' weren't listening." Harry muttered in good nature and I bit my lip. "I asked how you two met."

"Me and Lindsee?" I questioned making Harry nod as he picked up another slice of pizza.

"Yeh'. Thanks by the way, for getting the BBQ sauce instead of the garlic and herb. I appreciate it."

The heat in my cheeks only intensified as Harry thanked me and I nodded jerkily. It was just one of those little facts about Harry still buried deep inside my brain. I had millions of them and I didn't think I was going to forget any of them anytime soon.

"We um, we actually met way back on my very first day at Columbia." I started as I thought fondly back to how awkward we were. "We had a class together and then she approached me and mentioned our matching phones."

"I did see that, on your birthday."

"Yeah," I laughed, "Um and then we went to a cafe together and that was kind of it. She was stuck with me and we've kind of been inseparable ever since. She's the best friend I've always wanted and never really had."

"Yeah, Ollie's a dick." Harry suddenly stated making me look at him in shock.

"You used to like him!"

"But I see why he annoyed yeh'. There's just something about him, I dunno. Obviously, because of Liam, he's been around a lot more, not that I spend a lot of time with Liam either. He's probably equally as annoying."

"Liam's nice." I said easily, deciding not to pry into the Ollie topic. I mean, I hadn't forgotten what he said to me about Harry. "As for Ollie, we're not friends at all anymore."

"I know."

"You do?" I frowned as I reached for a potato wedge and bit into the soft white filling, I really wished I knew what herbs they used on their wedges.

"Yeh' didn't speak to him at all on your birthday." Harry said matter of factly.

Oh.

Why would he know what happened that morning?

"I didn't know why he was there if I'm being honest." I muttered, "We literally didn't speak once whilst I was in New York."

"Really?" Harry asked, looking slightly shocked and I nodded. "I thought you two just drifted apart or summat."

"Oh no, he was a cunt right before I left."

My eyes widened as the words slipped out of my mouth and I was hyperaware of Harry's hand freezing midway to his mouth, the pointy end of his pizza slice sagging.

"What did he do?" Harry asked, and I swallowed.

I didn't really want to tell him and hopefully, I knew Harry well enough to know that he would see I didn't want to talk about it and he wouldn't push it. But when had Harry ever taken that approach with me?

"Forget about it. It was like two years ago."

"I'll knock him out."

I blinked at Harry's casual offering of violence, my mind racing back to the time before we were anything and he offered to solve my problems with Finn with the same options and I shook my head.

"Aren't you like an adult now?" I asked instead, my voice light as I teased him.

"So?"

"So...you wear suits to work and you wear rings." I laughed, "And are a pet parent."

"Yeh' and I can still knock someone the fuck out for you." Harry said seriously and I felt my cheeks heat.

"Did you know some people refer to their animals as fur babies?" Harry saved me by speaking again and I laughed once I'd gotten over the fact that Harry was still Harry.

"I did know that. What's your opinion on it?" I asked despite having a feeling I knew what his answer was going to be.

"Fuckin' hate it."

"I knew you'd say that!" I laughed as I pointed a slice of my pizza in his direction, his eyes rolling. "I think it's gross. Like yeah, they're my baby but you don't need to mention fur. It's just weird."

"M'surprised you don't like it."

"Whats that meant to mean?" I laughed watching as Harry shrugged just as Lindsee appeared over my shoulder and I glanced at her.

"You baby things and you like baby things." Harry muttered making me narrow my eyes at him, his hand coming up in surrender.

"I don't have anything to offer you." I told Lindsee who shrugged.

"Oh I'm going out I just came to let you know. Can I have a cookie?"

"Can I have some of the sushi in the fridge later?" I asked in response, although it had mostly looked like salmon and well....yuck.

"Oh, I already ate that," Lindsee waved her hadn't and I rolled my eyes aware of Harry smirking. "Can I have a cookie?"

"No."

"There's five it would even it out." Harry spoke up making both of us look at him and I narrowed my eyes. "Just a suggestion."

"It's fine, I'll just get something whilst I'm out. I shouldn't be late. Love you." Lindsee gave in and I blew her a kiss.

"Love you too!" I called back knowing she would just stand in the doorway until I said it back.

"She's funny." Harry said a while later and I hummed.

"She thinks she is that's for sure." I muttered before I closed my now empty pizza box and reached for a cookie, aware that Harry had already had one of his. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeh'."

"When did you start wearing rings?"

I actually had a lot of questions and I hadn't planned on that one being the first and I somewhat regretted it since my stomach twisted and it was either the cheese or the guilt at remembering I'd fucking lost my ruby ring from Harry.

"Sometime last year, I think." Harry answered and I raised my eyebrows at him.

"How come?"

"I...I don't really know. I was with Niall which isn't a big shock," Harry paused as I laughed, "And we saw these two rings."

Harry paused again to hold his left hand out for me and wiggled his pinky finger which was twice the size of my middle finger but I took in the silver ring which was shaped like a rose.

I hadn't realised before that it was a rose.

"And I dunno, we just thought they were cool and obviously, I've got the rose on my arm and Niall said some shit about golf so we just got them and then yeah." Harry explained to me and I nodded.

"That's cool." I smiled, "It's cute you two have matching best friends forever rings."

"I knew you were going to say something like that. Shut up, Carmichael."

I swallowed thickly as the short phrase sent me back in time and I had to bite down on my lip to stop my eyes from welling up until I was sure I could taste blood and then I just had to shake myself out of it.

Just like the other week and earlier on, there wasn't a single trace of anger or malice in his voice as he said my surname but it didn't stop me from reliving how he used to say it.

As if it was dirty, an insult.

Because you're Poppy Carmichael and you thought I'd just do whatever you asked.

I swallowed as I reached for my second cookie, aware of Harry's eyes flicking around the room and I tried to avoid his gaze. It wasn't like I didn't think of that night from time to time, I just thought about it more the closest it got to the date.

A part of me couldn't believe that this Saturday was going to be two years since Harry and I broke up. But at the same time I could.

It seemed wild to me that we broke up and then I just moved to a different continent.

But I was glad I did and as much as it had hurt, god knows it fucking hurt and I did a lot of stupid shit to try to dull the pain, I was glad that Harry hadn't gone with me.

I knew for a fact Lindsee and I would have never lived together. I doubted that I would have ended up being as good as friends with Mitch and Sarah and Adam, despite the latter having a literal wife and child.

I knew I would have been highly strung considering Chloe had been at Columbia too and all the other pretty girls that would have seen Harry. And I probably wouldn't have had such a good time with Max.

A blind man could see that Harry didn't like my brother, while it did hurt; it was understandable.

And I had quickly shut down Max's line of thinking that now Harry and I weren't together that he could go back to talking shit about him like he'd done when Harry and I had gone to NYC that December.

Just because I was mad at Harry didn't mean anybody else got to be mean.

"Living room looks nice." Harry complimented suddenly and I shook my head as if trying to shake my thoughts away but I couldn't. I just felt like I was surrounded by coldness and sadness now.

"Thank you."

Neither of us spoke again as I finished off my cookie, the silence covering us incredibly obvious compared to how we had been talking but I felt like I just didn't have the energy anymore. Just like that my social meter had run out.

I didn't understand it, it never ran out before with Harry.

But maybe that was good. Maybe that was part of the whole boundaries thing. Maybe.

I lent forward as my phone buzzed on the coffee table and I saw Josh's name light up the screen and I checked the time sneakily, 8:38pm, before replying to his message asking about drinks after work tomorrow.

"I should go."

I looked over at Harry as he spoke suddenly, immediately feeling bad about not carrying on the conversation as he stood and gathered his stuff up.

"This was fun." I said as I followed him to the door. I wasn't lying but I definitely knew I was the reason he was leaving so abruptly.

"It was nice yeh'." Harry nodded slowly and I swallowed as he pulled the door open and I chewed my lip.

Was it wrong for me to hope that he kisses me, despite everything?

I opened my mouth to tell him we should hang out again soon but I closed it shortly after because I really was no fun around this time of the year. It was like I had PTSD. I mean I knew I didn't because Jesus get a grip, Poppy.

"Drive safe." I said instead, "Let me know you get home."

"Will do." Harry said, nodding. "Goodnight Poppy."

My knees still shook when he said my name but I simply gave him my best smile and nodded.

"Goodnight Harry."

I closed the door softly and leant back against it, almost going to rub my face in annoyance only to remember I was still wearing makeup and I groaned loudly before heading back into the lounge.

I tidied up our boxes in an attempt to make me think about anything else but I just couldn't, my eyes drifting back to the chair he sat in, the calendar on the wall, back to the chair and to my memories at the way he used to always sit next to me.

The way Harry always had a part of his body touching mine.

I shook my head as I stacked the empty pizza boxes on top of each other by the toaster, hopefully, I'd remember to take them out to the rubbish with me in the morning.

I somehow doubted it.

I was starting to think that I didn't want to go clubbing tomorrow night either. Lindsee didn't deserve to be around someone who was definitely going to be miserable.

I had been last year, the only difference was we'd been in Italy and I was just miserable sitting by a pool. This year I'd be miserable hiding in my bedroom possibly nursing a hangover.

I double checked the potato wedge box to see if there were any crispy bits left only to be disappointed, but I knew there wouldn't be; Harry loved those bits the most. I glanced at the cookie box just on the off chance, only to have my heart stutter as I spotted the fifth and final cookie sitting in there still.

I thought Harry had eaten it.

I couldn't stop the heat from spreading in my cheeks just as I heard my phone buzz where I'd left it and I snatched up the cookie without a second thought considering I was thinking about gifting it to Lindsee.

Harry 9:08pm: Home. x

My fingers hovered over the keyboard, typing out a single word response before deleting it and retyping a thanks for the cookie before deleting that again and I rolled my eyes as I turned off the lights in the lounge before I headed to my room with the intent of having a shower.

Thanks for giving me the last cookie (:0

Harry 9:13pm: Anytime Poppy.

I locked my phone and left it on my bed as I snatched up the pair of leggings and the t-shirt I'd decided that were my pyjama's for this week before I headed into the bathroom, stupid thoughts filling my brain as I turned the heat up.

Why did I always have to make myself bleed?