So, it's over. I cannot believe it's over so quickly - three beautiful months writing this story that came right from the heart, through the keyboard and onto the screen. I know I say this every time, but it's true, I enjoyed writing this story the most. I believe I might even re-read this one just to relive the memories of writing it. And to fix up some grammar mistakes I missed. Is it okay to re-read your own stories? I think it is, from time to time. Or I'm just weird. 

My dearest, Marguerite- Future_Scxrs -helped me when I was losing motivation and gave me some ideas and guidelines when I didn't know how to continue. She cheered me on the entire time, gave me songs to listen to while writing and a lot of the romance is due to her help, since I'm horrible with it and she's such a hopeless romantic. We had a lot of moments together on Google Docs chatting away while writing, and made some amazing memories that I'll forever remember. In the meantime, I did my best to cheer her on when she was writing her own stories, which are amazing by the way, please check them out, you will not regret it. In fact, you might come back emotionally shattered in the best possible way. She's really a brilliant writer, I specifically recommend the fanfic "Fall" if you're into Alfred and Lovisa angst. I sure am.

I'm sorry that this took a Nordic turn when it comes to ships, but I cannot really stick to one ship forever, and neither can life sometimes. Y'know? Yes, I've broken up with someone, and I usually project my feelings through my stories. Also, I wanted this book to be more heartfelt and really, really life-hits-you-in-the-face style. That's why I've thrown in a lesson or two to learn, since life is an education the second you are born until the second you die, and even then your knowledge is left as a legacy in the minds of people you've left a positive impact on. We learn things everywhere, so why not from a fanfic, too?

I've read a lot of angsty fanfics in my life, and I've only found a couple of those (Hetalia ones) that take on such a heavy topic such as schizophrenia. They mainly focus on the craziness of the person and their hallucinations, and I didn't think they were really accurate. It didn't seem like the people did their research well, and only wanted to show the somewhat crazy side of the person. And I hate that word, really. I show that a lot in the story.
There's more to mentally ill people than their illness. That's what I wanted to do in this book. Alfred Jones isn't just a schizophrenic kid who rocks back and forth in a chair and whispers demonic curses underneath his breath, there's so much more to him. He's a painter, he lives for art and listening to music, such as All Time Low and all those emo bands we all love and appreciate. He's an extroverted guy, loves hanging out with friends, and doesn't only talk about his shitty life experiences. I wanted to show a feeling side of these people, they are just people who struggle and deserve to be helped, but I wanted it to hit hard - not be romanticized.

I've had enough of reading romanticized depression, in those hellish Tumblr aesthetics with "depressed white girls self-harming because they are suicidal angels", I don't need schizophrenia in that way too, damn! I hate those so much, as a person who struggles with bad mental health on a daily basis. There are cases of schizophrenia, bipolar and depression in my family, and they aren't cute illnesses that go away with a hug. They're horrible to witness and experience.

Schizophrenia is, in most cases, life long. Permanent. My aunt has had the radio on in her room  all day long for decades because she can't stand the silence, it makes the voices louder.

I've researched in detail before writing, and honestly, loved to have that feeling of understanding of the people who suffer from it. After finding out some things, I could have a nice chat with my aunt despite what my family says about her and deems her crazy, unworthy to talk to. She's a really nice person, in fact.
I've researched every little bit of this illness, from the positive, negative and cognitive symptoms to every possible medication. In all honesty, I took aripiprazole and haloperidol for the story because they were the easiest to remember. And they sound kind of cool. I know, I know, how unprofessional, but I didn't do anything inaccurate. They're real meds, look 'em up, or look up Haldol and Abilify.

My opinion - if you want to take on a hard topic, do thorough research. Even about the smallest details. You can twist some aspects of the story, but the main topic, the illness, don't twist it a lot (this is just my opinion, I can't influence yours by it). I think it's the right thing to do.

I still remember this UsUk fanfic that showed America being suicidal until England kissed his pain away and then he wasn't depressed at all. It's just a big fuck you and slap in the face for all the teens who actually suffer from depression and read those things. At least that's how it felt to me.

Another aspect of the story I wanted to write is that people change. Not everyone is evil. There's good in (almost) everyone. And if people genuinely try to fix their mistakes, perhaps they deserve a second chance. I'm not saying if they're an abuser who left a horrible emotional influence on the victim, but if they've said some hurtful stuff in the past and keep trying to fix it. Their explanation for it doesn't make it okay for them to say those words, but it's good to have a healthy apologizing session and start anew. That goes in Arthur's and Ivan's case.
And on the topic of Arthur - it's okay to break up. If the relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere, isn't healthy, there's emotional detachment, or feelings have changed, it's reasonable to break up if the people don't think they could keep hanging and climbing by a thin thread trying to change it. I've learned that from my own breakup. Now we're best friends. We found out we don't work well as a couple, and over time, learned to accept that. It's healthy. Much healthier than if we stayed and drifted apart, perhaps to the point of holding in hatred for each other.

And again, on the topic of couples and stuff (this goes for Matthew's and Adrienne's case), it's not wrong for couples to fight. Of course, if they fight all the time, something must be wrong, a big disagreement they can't seem to argue over properly. But it's healthy for partners to argue once in a while. It doesn't mean they're going to turn for the worse. In fact, sometimes shouting it out was proven to lead to a better relationship in the future. It's never good to hold in feelings.

Honesty in relationships, first and foremost! Do not hold in your feelings!

And the last thing about couples and romance and stuff, sexualities. I seriously don't see enough things in this fandom that portray bisexuality and the fact labels are fluid and can change and that's okay! It's always either omg so gaaay or omg heterosexualityyy in this world. I'm bisexual myself and sometimes feel like there isn't enough representation. That goes out to the pansexuals as well (also, Brendon Urie is pan, I'm so happy for him!)
Halfway through, Emilia wants to experiment with the girl that has a crush on her, and ends up falling in love with her. She was bi-curious, to see where it would lead, and realized she really liked girls, she just hadn't met the right girl until Lovisa. That's fine! If you thought you were straight and were so sure about it, and then fell in love with someone of the same sex, it's perfectly okay!
Alfred considered himself gay for a lot of the story, until he slowly realized he was bisexual, but doesn't say a word about it - then comes Isabella, and shakes up his world all around. And everyone's hella surprised because he was always the gayest around. He then says he's known he was bi for while. Also, fine! Bisexual men are so underrated. You don't even know how many things I've found saying that girls shouldn't date bi men because they were with a guy before. Oh, so much bullshit on this pretty planet we call earth. And I wanna fix some of it.
Some are confident in their sexualities, such as Arthur (gay), Lovisa (lesbian), Emma (bisexual), and our beloved straight couples Matthew & Adrienne, Gilbert and Elizabeta (in which Elizabeta is pansexual). It's also perfectly a-okay for bi/pan girls to date guys! Peeps, they swing all ways. If a dude's hot, dude's hot (wise words of Brendon Urie).

Back to the mental health stuff, though. Why am I explaining all this, you ask? I felt the need to clarify stuff, also it's 6 AM and I've been writing non-stop for the past 8 hours and I feel like my fingers are now officially glued to the keyboard.
Except schizophrenia, I mention the depression that comes as a side symptom of it. It's difficult to deal with all that shit, it's only natural that the person falls into a depressive state.
There are mentions of bipolar disorder (Ivan), even DPDR (depersonalization/derealizaton) disorder but only mentions. If you want to read more on the topic of derealization, check out Marguerite's story "Derealisation"! Definitely worth a read and a vote.
And lastly, the overlapping topic of Arthur's social anxiety all throughout the story up until the last chapter where he frees himself of it once he's under the influence of alcohol. Sadly, a true story I'm living myself. It feels so good to down some vodka and finally talk to people without fear... DON'T DO IT. Rather get help, let it take time, talk therapy it out, cognitive-behavioural therapy it out, don't rely on alcohol to save you. Don't worry, I don't suffer from alcohol abuse, I just don't feel alright with the fact I can only feel free around people when I drink. But I'm going to reach out for help rather than let it take over me, I suggest you try to do the same if you're in the same boat.

Last thing for this note, I promise.
This story used to be called Ghosts That We Knew, but I changed it because it was basically a work-in title I put while I looked for something better. Beautiful Mess fits it much better, especially because of the last sentence of the story.

I think that's it, I've gone over all I wanted to! I don't know if anyone is going to read this Author's Note, but I really, really wanted to write it nonetheless.

Now, the best part, the music!

(A.K.A. A list of songs I've listened to while writing).

This time, it would take me far too long if I wrote down all songs, because I literally listened to ALL, EVERY SINGLE SONG of the next artists that I'm going to name:

All Time Low, Panic! At The Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Mumford and Sons, Sleeping at Last, Radical Face, Yiruma, Demi Lovato, Fall Out Boy, Avicii, Ed Sheeran, Dodie Clark, Tessa Violet, Oh Wonder, Francesco Gabbani, Fabrizio Moro, Ludovico Einaudi, Nirvana, Mariana's Trench, Of Monsters and Men, Sia, Green Day, Kristian Kostov, Regina Spektor and Linkin Park.
(favourites highlighted!)

Thank you so, so much for reading, supporting me and the story all throughout it, and helping me grow as a person and as a writer with each of your kind words. I appreciate it with all my heart.

Love, Clara <3