The month that followed Neteyam's death was the hardest. My mother was silent most of the time. She barely talked to anyone. Father was different. He talked but it was like someone else was piloting his body. He seemed numb.
Loak couldn't stop blaming himself for what happened. My words couldn't convince him otherwise so I only held him as he cried. He spent almost all his time with Payakan. Kiri was sad but tried her best to put up a brave face.
Tuk, she would wake up in the night crying.
And Spider. He stayed by Kiri's side. In a way, he provided more comfort than I did.
Ronal and Tonawari were very, very hesitant about allowing him to stay in the village.
Father pleaded his case so he was allowed to stay. On strict terms though. He was never allowed to be by himself and he was never allowed out of the reef. Thanks to his close bond with Kiri the first term wasn't a problem.
Neteyam's death broke the family. And I was doing everything in my power to repair it.
So I put on a bright smile. I tried to act like I normally did. Sometimes it would work. Sometimes I would get a faint smile from some of them.
"What would I do without you?" that sentence had been said to me by all of them. In the storm of grief, I was the only one keeping my family's heads above water.
"Hey mum, I got some great fish today. Even some of that flat one you like so much," I walked into the hut with a bright smile. My family, aside from Loak all resided within taking shelter from the heavy rain.
"Put them there," Today I didn't get any smiles. I nodded placing the fish down.
"Where is Loak?" I asked but I already knew the answer.
"With Payakan," Tuk said walking over to sit on my lap.
"Well then he'll be hungry when he gets home won't he?" I asked wrapping her up in a hug.
"Yeah," Tuk nodded with a faint smile. Leaning around I gave her a peck on the cheek.
"Come on let's help mum," I said adjusting her and helping.
When everyone was asleep I lay awake. Like every night I tried to fall asleep, yet like every night I was unable to. With a frustrated huff, I got up and walked out. I strolled aimlessly till I came to the beach. I nervously fiddled with the band on my arm as I looked out to the sea. It was Neteyam's arm band. My eyes turned to the cove of the ancestors. I did this every night. I stood on the shore trying to work up the courage to go see Neteyam. To meet through Eywa.
"Lost forest girl?" A small smile worked onto my face as I turned around to see Aonung walking towards me with a smirk.
"I will fight you," I jokingly threatened.
"And I'm sure you'd win," he said stepping up to my side and taking my hand in his. He looked into my eyes as his thumb gently stroked the back of my palm.
"Can not sleep again?" he asked. I nodded my head pressing my lips together.
"What am I going to do with you?" He huffed pulling back my braids to get a good look at the healed cut.
"I don't know," I shrugged dropping my head to his chest and closing my eyes. There was a few minute's of silence as he just held me.
"Sylwanin. I need you to stop this," I frowned at Aonung's serious tone as I looked up at him. His face held nothing but worry.
"You do not sleep. You barely eat. I worry for you," he said. I scoffed pulling my hand from his grasp and crossing them over my chest.
"I am fine," I said dismissively turning my attention back to the sea.
"You are not," he argued.
"I am," I snapped turning to glare at him. My glare instantly softened as I realized what I had just done.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Look, Aonang I'm fine really," I huffed rubbing my hand over my tired eyes.
"You expect me to believe that?" he asked desperately.
"Slywanin. I care for you. Deeply. Which means I know that you are not ok. You have put on a brave face for your family and I applaud you for that. But you need to grieve too," he said taking my shoulders and turning me to him. I could feel my cries building in the back of my throat. I could feel the tears gathering behind my eyes. I could control this. I could swallow the cries and whip away the tears. I gulped down the cry as I looked over Aonung's saddened features.
"It hurts me to see you like this. So please no more," he begged to cup my cheeks. My hand reached up my wall's breaking down. My hand clasped around his as I closed my eyes.
"I see you, Slywanin," his words had my eyes snapping open. His words meant so much more. He saw who I was. Who I truly was. He accepted every part of that. But with his words, he also saw my sorrow. My struggle. My pain.
"It hurts, it hurts so much," I whimpered my lip quivering.
"I know. I know," he whispered pressing our forehead together.
"It hurts," I cried.
"I know," he whispered pulling me into a tight hug. My hand reached up behind him grasping his shoulder as sobs rocked my body. My legs gave way to Aonung taking all our weight and slowly lowing up to kneel.
"I know," he whispered gently brushing my hair.
I cried, cried, and cried till I could cry no more. I grieved, I confronted my sorrow, I took it into myself, and felt it.
And the only reason why I had the strength to do so was thanks to Aonung. He was there, anchoring me to sanity.
And at one point I cried myself to sleep.
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