"What are you doing here?"

"Live across the street, came to celebrate." He picks up his drink and holds it up for a cheers.

I'm holding up my glass and when I don't move it, he taps his against mine and smiles.

"I should go." I set my drink down and just sit here stunned for a moment.

"Wait, stay. Please, Ellie."

"You live across the street, stay. I'll go somewhere else." I flag down the bartender to pay for my drink but he doesn't come over.

"Ellie, please. Just stay, can we talk?"

"We don't have anything to talk about, Harry."

"I just... El, please. Give me ten minutes."

"I'm not doing this with you here."

"My place is right across the street, come back with me, I have something I need-"

"You really have the nerve to ask me to come back to your place and say you need something?"

"Not like that, I just want to talk to you but need some privacy. Please, El. 10 minutes, but it's not a conversation we can have here."

I look at him and he's pleading at me with his eyes. There's a stupidly cute single curl hanging across his forehead, too.

"Fine, but you're paying for my drink," I sigh and pickup my drink, finishing it in one big sip.

Harry throws two £20 bills and stands up and holds a hand out for me. I push it away and stand up, grabbing my clutch.

"Lead the way." I dramatically point to the door and he rolls his eyes, walking outside.

I follow him out and we run across the street, his building is literally across the street from the bar. We step into the elevator and he enters his code for the penthouse. At least he's moved, there's no way I'd even consider going back to the place we shared. Well, his place.

When we step out of the elevator, I'm hit with some of the décor I remember from his old place. Art work he already had, some we picked out together. He walks into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water.

"Do you want anything to drink?"

"I'm not staying long enough for a drink."

"Fair enough."

We walk into his living room and I sit across from him on the couch.

"You wanted to talk, talk."

"I just... give me a second okay. Have a lot to say, six years to think about it and don't know where I want to start."

"Six years? You broke up with me, what do you have to think about it?"

"There's so much you don't know about then, Ellie. I'm sorry I never told you. I.. I felt so alone after though and-"

"You felt alone? You had a family who gave a shit about you and wanted to spend time with you. I had nobody. Not a single fucking one of you talked to me after and I had to move to a different country, alone. I spent almost two years just hoping-two years alone until Niall reached out to me."

"I'm sorry, I... "

"What did you want to talk about, Harry?" I wipe the tears out of my eyes and look at him.

"I asked Niall to join me on tour and I think it's going to happen. Most of the contracts are signed, just waiting for the final review from his label."

"Excuse me?"

"He'll be going on tour with me, we're supposed to start in the summer." He clears his throat and takes a drink of his water.

"He hasn't said anything."

"Everything is pretty tight lipped about it until it's official."

"How long?"

"I'm going for about a year, not sure how long he's joining yet."

I take a deep breath and suck my lips in, refusing to look at Harry.

"Ellie?"

"Just.. give me a minute." I pull the flannel off and throw it on the floor, feeling overheated and like I'm suffocating. I'm beyond grateful I ended up not wearing the tights or I probably would've passed out by now.

"Ellie?" He opens his water bottle and holds it up my lips. "Just take a sip."

I hate that he knows how to try to calm me down in moments like this when I want nothing to do with him.

I open my lips and he tilts the water bottle up, I take a small sip then push it away. I feel the ringing in my ears get closer and closer, like an alarm that won't stop going off no matter how many times you hit snooze.

"I... Do you have a balcony?"

"Yeah, come on." He stands up and walks to the other side of the living room.

I quickly follow him and he opens the glass door; I take a step outside and lean against the railing. I close my eyes as the ringing starts to die down, taking a deep breath. I kick off of both of my shoes so I can feel both feet on the ground, try to remember I'm grounded and okay. I don't realize I'm even holding onto the railing until Harry tries pulling my hands off of it. I look down and my knuckles are white from how tight my grip is.

"Stop."

"Ellie, you need to let go. Just sit down."

"I-I can't."

"You can. One finger at a time."

I try to slap his hand away and he takes his opportunity to grab my other hand off of the railing and pull me into him. He pushes me into a lawn chair and sits down next to me.

"You were going to hurt yourself."

I close my eyes and scoot up on the chair to keep my feet flat on the ground. I'm shaking and realize that's why I held onto the railing, so I could keep myself still.

"Ellie?"

I don't respond, I just sit in my chair and shake like a leaf.

"Ellie, I'm going pull you into my lap. Just... just say no or stop me if you don't want me to." He slides a hand under my legs and the other around my back, lifting me up and pulling me into his lap.

I bury my head in the crook of his neck and try to control my breathing. He holds me close to him and starts to rubs my back. It feels like old times, when he'd protect me from the world after tearing my world apart.

"Is this okay?"

"More," I whisper and squeeze my eyes shut.

He wraps both arms around me and squeezes me into a hug. It starts to rain and the water helps cool me down, making it easier to breathe. I'm scared to open my eyes, thinking once I do, I'll spiral again. I feel safe again and cherish it, even if it's just for a moment.

Harry has been the only person who I've ever let bring me down from a panic attack. This is probably the mildest one I've had in a while but the universe must've needed a good laugh at my expense. Seeing Harry, finding out we might spend a year together and having a panic attack I needed his help with. I hope someone's getting a real kick out of this because it isn't me.

Once my breathing evens out, Harry loosens his grip on me but doesn't let go. I open my eyes and turn my head to watch the rainfall, the sound of it coming down being so peaceful.

"Do you need something to eat or drink?"

"I'm kind of hungry."

I hadn't even thought about food since breakfast, which probably made my two drinks intensify my panic attack. I learned that one the hard way when I was moping around Harry's place packing.

"I don't have anything, just got here today. I can order us something if you're not ready to go home."

"I don't want to see Niall right now."

"Anywhere else you can stay?"

"Don't think I have the energy to find somewhere else to stay right now. I'll look after I eat."

"I'll order us something, let's go inside."

"I don't want to."

"Your dress is soaked, come on." He gently pushes me out of his lap and stands up. We walk inside and he leaves the door open, pushing the curtains further out of the way to let the breeze in.

"I don't have anything to change into."

"I have some stuff you can wear, come on."

I follow him down the hallway and look at all of the photos he has hung on the wall. A lot of him with his mom and sister, different family gatherings over the years. There are six photos of him on stage and I recognize four from the tours we went on. The last is one I took, their photographer teaching more about the technical aspects of photography and letting me take some photos during the shows.

I stop in the hallway and look at the rest of what he has hung up-some paintings from his old place, pictures of his god kids and what I assume are him and his friends on vacation.

"Here you go, you can change in my room if you want." He holds out a pair of sweats and a hoodie for me, a set for himself under his arm.

I grab them and walk into his room, shutting the door behind me. I pull my wet dress off and sit on the edge of the bed, looking around. His room is set up almost identical to his old one and it makes me sigh.

I put on the clothes he gave me and lay back on the end of his bed, wondering how I've even got here. I'm going to kill Niall for not telling me. Learning I'm going to spend maybe a year with Harry is much different than being blindsided about it and told by Harry himself.

Harry knocks on the door and comes in when I don't answer. He leans against the door frame and crosses his arms, looking at me for a moment before speaking.

"Food will be here soon."

"Is this the same bed we had?"

"Just got this one, but it's the same kind."

"Missed it, could never find the brand in the states. It's so comfy, feels like home." I sit up with a sigh and look down at my hands.

"Food's almost here, want to go back out to the living room?"

"Yeah." I push myself off the bed and pickup my dress.

"I'll hang that for you, I'm assuming it can't go in the dryer."

"No."

He walks in and grabs it from me, taking it into his bathroom and hanging it up. We walk back into the living room and I sit down, pulling my knees up to my chest. I look out the balcony door and can still hear the sound of the rain.

"I can take you home whenever you want, or call you a car."

"Okay. What did you order?"

"Taco Bell."

"What did you get?" I perk up and look at him.

"Cheesy quesadilla and these nacho fry things, they look like your fiesta potatoes. Got a few burritos for myself. Should be here, I'm going to go downstairs and grab it." He gets up and walks to the elevator, going downstairs.

He comes up a few minutes later and sets the bags on the coffee table. He hands me my cheesy quesadillas, a small container of sour cream and a plastic fork.

"I got the potato thing without meat if that's okay, wanted to split it."

"That's fine."

I sit up and open the quesadilla, tearing off a piece and dipping it into the sour cream.

"I'm sorry about... all of this. I just wanted to tell you myself, I didn't expect to see you right after I got here though. Everything's mostly finalized, we're waiting on literally one more piece of paperwork on his end."

"It's fine, it's just... a lot. I thought I'd never have to see you again and now I get to spend a year on the road with you. Fucking fantastic, like I didn't get punished enough in this lifetime living with my parents."

"Is that what you see this as? A punishment?" He sets his food down and looks at me surprised.

"Or the universe playing a sick joke on me. I've lost everything in my life-twice. Once because of my parents and once because of..." I sigh and pick at the fries.

"That's not... I'm sorry I made you feel that way about everything."

"Don't be, it was your decision. Lesson learned."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't be sorry for what you did, it's in the past. Doesn't matter now."

"I think it does. If we're going to be on the road together, we need to figure it out."

"No, we don't, Harry. You can tell me until you're blue in the face that you didn't mean it or there's something I don't know, but it's six years too late for that. You want to have this conversation to feel better about yourself, not because you want things to be okay between us. If it's what you wanted, it would've happened years ago."

"That's not fair-"

"Neither is how you broke up with me and kicked me out of a home you swore was mine, but it's reality. There's no reason to drag up old shit when all it's going to do is make me feel worse about it all."

"One day, when you're ready, please just let me tell you everything."

"Fine."  I pick up my fork and stab the nacho fry thing he got, they're not as good as fiesta potatoes but they are tasty. They're the size of another meal though and I can see why Harry had wanted to share.

I grab my phone and see I have a text from Niall.

You coming home tonight?

No, I know about tour

Niall tries calling and I send his call straight to voicemail.

Please pick up

Fuck off, I'm not talking to you right now

I'll see you tomorrow

I'm sorry, I was going to tell you after Christmas

Who told you?

Are you somewhere safe tonight?

Harry

Yes, now leave me alone

If you're not going to be home by dinner, please just let me know so I don't worry

I should be but I will

I turn my phone off and throw it onto the couch.

"Everything good?"

"Yeah just... yeah. Everything's great."

I pull over the other bag and it's full of tacos and burritos labeled vegetarian.

"You don't eat meat?"

"Just fish.  You can have some if you want."

I pull out a burrito for us each and hand him one. I pull out some hot sauce packets to put on mine and we eat in silence.

"Are you going home tonight?"

"No, if I see those stupid little blue Irish eyes, I might have an aneurysm from holding back how upset I am. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"You want to stay here?"

"I shouldn't, I'll see if I can find a hotel."

"Ellie, it's already like midnight. Everything around here is going to be booked already. You can have my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."

"I can take the couch, it's fine."

"Nonsense, my mum would kill me if I had a guest sleep on the couch. I didn't hear the end of it when I told her I wouldn't have a place for anybody to stay over."

"Then don't tell her and problem solved."

"You still don't do a single thing you're told." He laughs and starts putting our empty wrappers into one of the bags.

"Can't say I do."

"I'll be fine out here, picked out the couch so it'd be perfect for laying down to watch movies on a stormy night. I can call you a car in the morning when you want to go home."

"Okay, thank you. For um-"

"It's no problem, Ellie. Let's get you to bed, let me just grab some pillows from my room."

We both get up and walk to his room. I sit on the end of the bed and he walks into his closet, walking back out with a pillow and blanket.

"Night, El."

"Night."

I move to the top of the bed and awkwardly get under the covers while I look around the room. I sigh when my head hits the pillow. The perfect fucking pillow but they're imported and stupidly expensive so I haven't used once since I was with Harry. I lay on my side and curl up with the pillow, trying my hardest to fall asleep but failing to do so. I'm just hit with all of the good memories of our relationship, making me silently cry at what I've missed.