“Hyunnie, put it down, we don't need it,” Felix pursed his lips tightly together, trying to convince himself that he's not taking care of a toddler at the moment.

“But it would be cute on Kkami's room. You know how dogs love blue stuffies,” Hyunjin tried to argue, holding the Perry the Platypus stuffed toy over his face, waving it's small hands.

Adorable motherfucker.

Felix had to contain the groan that almost fell off his lips.

“You just bought him a new toy last time? It hasn't even been a week.”

“That's different. That one's personalized to match his size.”

“How does that –” Felix sighed. “That's why that boy is such a brat because you spoil him too much!”

The taller chuckled, not trying to deny the accusation. “What do I say? I work hard to provide for my family.”

Felix let out a sound of protest. “You're an idiot. Not like Kkami would ask you for a brand new car or anything,” He said, lighthearted.

Smirking, the taller put the Perry stuffed toy in the cart. “How would you know he won't?”

Felix rolled his eyes. “I didn't raise him like that. Besides, I won't risk my son driving around. I'd rather send him to his appointments personally.”

The conversation flowed like they were not talking about a puppy, and he's pretty sure other people who could hear them would think the same way, too. They never referred to Kkami as a pet anyway. Treating him like their own son, as someone who was a part of the family. Their baby.

“You're overprotective,” Hyunjin stated, shaking his head, going behind the cart to begin to push it to another section.

“As a loving mother should,” the shorter replied proudly, following along.

Hyunjin gave him a slight smirk, and then later they found themselves putting more than they intended inside their cart.

All unplanned and out of their (nonexistent) list. There were baking ingredients, more fruits, snacks also somehow found their way in there, and a bundle of cheap beer that Felix didn't have an idea Hyunjin got.

They finished their shopping after, a lot longer than usual. The trip home was also different than this morning as it was lighter and comfortable. Too comfortable that there was even a conversation that was shared between them, about normal things, about life, but mostly about Kkami.

When they reached home, they both had a brilliant idea of just watching a movie. Felix cut up some fruits for them, Hyunjin got the beers, then they set it up in front of the TV. Lights out, bundled up in their own blankets, sat on the floor with their backs rested on the couch.

“God damnit, why the hell didn't he say anything? That's so fucking frustrating,” Felix commented, having a swig of his own beer in frustration about the male lead.

Hyunjin remained silent, just keeping his eyes on the movie playing ahead.

“Fucking hell, he's so stupid!”

“Maybe because he loved her too much,” Hyunjin supplied, gaze only trained on the TV.

“That doesn't make sense. If he loved her, he should've fought for her,” Suddenly feeling annoyed, he found his fists clenching around the Perry stuffed toy that he was hugging. “He could've tried understanding her instead of giving up when she told him to. He's a coward.”

“He loved her, that's exactly the reason why he left.”

With furrowed brows, Felix turned to Hyunjin. “He left her when she was at her lowest, when she needed him the most. I told you that doesn't make sense!”

“It does. Because if you love someone, you would only wish for them the best. You would only wish the better for them, and if they tell you that they think they would be happier without you, then the only thing that you would want to do is unburden them of yourself and quietly walk away, because having to let go in the expense of your own pain is love too,” Hyunjin looked at him, eyes bursting with different unsaid emotions that the illuminance from the light that came from the TV allowed Felix to see. “You can't call a person a coward when all they ever wanted was to make you happy in exchange for their own. Him walking away doesn't necessarily mean he gave up, maybe he was just trying to help her in his own way.”

Felix's heart suddenly squeezed so tight inside his chest, his stomach churning that he felt like he was going to throw up.

The way Hyunjin said those words, the way his face had painted over with hurt and yearning… all of those had nothing to do with the stupid movie that was still playing in low volume in the background. And it hurt a lot because it hit home.

“I only said that because I was tired. I didn't mean it. I didn't want you to leave,” The first tear fell and made a wet path down Felix's cheeks, then others followed. He found it, he was unable to stop. “I wanted to apologize to you. I wanted to take it back but you were already gone.”

It was his fault for not managing his emotions well and seeking help from anyone, and being too dependent on Hyunjin.

Why does his family have to be a mess? Why does he have to be in conflict with his sisters? Why was his new boss picking on him, and his co-workers avoiding him like he really did something wrong, even though he'd done everything he could do to get the job done, when no one else would want to sacrifice their own time just to do so? And why does it have to happen all at the same time and torment him for months on ends?

He was spiraling, and all he ever wanted was to curl around his lover and cry it all out… but even that wasn't possible because Hyunjin wasn't home.

Since Hyunjin was the primary provider between the two of them, supporting Felix's decision to save up money to pursue his dream of having his own bakery, the taller had to work hard, even harder just to make ends meet.

He never complained… but he's also almost never home because of that. He never got to go home besides sleeping and getting ready for work, taking as much overtime as possible for extra pay. He worked tirelessly almost twelve hours a day, including the weekends, hence not having much time to spend time with both Felix and Kkami. And because Hyunjin already had his plate full, Felix didn't want to add up to that and be a heavier burden than he already was.

Felix tried to hold himself up and keep it together, but as time went on and the shit that's been going on with his life just seemed to get worse day by day, one day he just stopped functioning altogether and crashed.

It was all too much.

It was all too much that at one point he just thought of jumping in front of a moving car in hopes of having some rest. He was so tired.

“I didn't leave, I just wanted to give you some space,” The other started, “And I tried hard to understand, but hearing you say those words made me feel like I'm the reason why you were feeling that way,” Hyunjin smiled a little, Felix's heart cracked just a little bigger. “You told me to leave, Yongbok. You told me that my disappearance from your life would make you happy.”

When Hyunjin came home, and Felix was able to see him for the first time in God knows how long, Felix just exploded. He cried. He cried so hard, Hyunjin had woken up from his deep slumber, not even wasting a second to be by his side as he was weeping on his knees.

And that's when Felix said it. He said all the meanest things that came to his mind at that time. He said he was tired, and he made the biggest mistake of asking Hyunjin to leave, telling him that that would make him happy.

A moment of weakness dragged down with the weight of guilt, Felix said some things he didn't mean.

He gave in to the pressure that led him to do make the biggest mistake.

A mistake that took away everything that made life bearable to live in.

“You’re what makes me happy. You are happiness in itself, and I failed to remember that when bad things kept on happening to me,” Felix covered his eyes with the heels of his palm, unable to contain the sounds as he cried louder. “It was supposed to be us against the world, but your absence made me feel alone… absence that I forgot to recognize was also my fault too.”

Had he not told Hyunjin about his stupid dream of having his own bakery, his boyfriend wouldn't have suggested that Felix just save his money. Had he not said a thing, Hyunjin wouldn't have had to work his ass off just to support the two of them while Felix was selfishly putting away all of his salaries in hopes of having to start one day.

He forgot that Hyunjin's absence was because of him too, and he felt guilty. He felt unworthy. He felt like a damn burden because Hyunjin could've been so much more without him.

He's such an amazing man, a very bright person with so much potential, and all Felix did was add to the weight he had to carry and kept on dragging Hyunjin down. He felt guilty, and he felt anger towards himself.

In a moment of uncertainty, Felix let himself believe that he was unworthy of someone like Hyunjin and he pushed him away, believing that that's what he was supposed to do.

Hyunjin reached over to palm his cheeks, drying his eyes off tears, “I would've given you the rest that you needed, have you told me that you were tired of the situation. We could've talked about it and found a solution together,” He spoke softly, voice steady but so intense. “I could've held you close and shielded you from the world while you breathed and tried to get back on your feet. I could've kissed your tears away. I could've… I could've been there for you, fighting your demons for you.”

More tears fell down from Felix's eyes, like an endless stream that wouldn't let up. He cried much harder than he had for the past months that he'd been alone. He cried because feelings came crashing down on him heavily from all the time he had suppressed them. But still, he cried… he cried because this time, he wasn't drying his own tears.

“I… I know,” He said. “I know you'll try to help, but I was a mess. My head was so loud, I didn't know how to deal with it. And I didn't want to tell you because you already had a lot of things to think about. I was so tired, I was guilty, I could've done more, and I just wanted it to stop, but I failed and ended up reflecting all my frustrations on you instead and I'm…” Felix bit his bottom lip in an attempt to stop it from quivering, “I’m so sorry… I'm sorry for everything that I've done. You didn't deserve that. Please, I'm sorry. I'm –”

The taller male pulled him to his embrace, muscles stiff around Felix. His chest rose and fell with heaviness as if he was having a hard time as well.

The conversation sure wasn't easy. Even with the beer pumping in his veins, the situation didn't get easy at all.

He never would've thought that they would end up there, finally having to talk about what happened in their past. Suddenly, all the pain came back. He was terrified of the result that lied after that conversation because it could lead to many things… and one of them was getting his closure and losing Hyunjin for the rest of his life.

“Stop apologizing,” Hyunjin breathed out in a false pretense of calmness, his voice broken like Felix had never heard before. “It's not your fault. I don't blame you.”

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hyunnie,” He kept crying, unable to say anything else. He was just so sorry about how things went down.

“Shh… no more, Felix,” The soft pats on Felix's back, along with Hyunjin's familiar cologne that wafted in his nose had his mind spinning with more remorse, it had him crying even more. “I could've done more. I could've stayed with you and tried to communicate, instead of immediately abiding your wishes to leave you alone. I'm sorry, too, Bokkie. I failed to realize that you were hurting on your own. I should've known better.”

Shaking his head, Felix pushed himself away so he could see Hyunjin's face. There he saw how much pain the other was trying to contain, his eyes were glossy with tears but he wouldn't let it fall… because that's just how he was. Felix first at all times, even when it means pushing past his own feelings.

He cupped Hyunjin's face with both of his shaking hands. “You didn't do anything wrong. You loved me the only way you knew how.”

“I could've loved you more.”

Shaking his head, Felix let out a smile. “You loved me more than anyone ever did in my life.”

“And I love you still,” Hyunjin cut through. “I want you back,” He blurted out. “Let’s get back together, Lix.”

Together…

“Lix, I don't want to be that person, but I think it's important that you know the speculations going around about Hyunjin and Seungmin being together.”

It's like an alarm suddenly went off, and the spirit of daydream and vivid fantasy suddenly washed off.

Felix's breathing grew short. His heart trembled, chest caught on fire. He pushed Hyunjin away, averting eye contact. “No… no, I can't. We can't.”

“Lix, Lix, please,” Hyunjin tried to stop him as Felix stood up, rushing to get away.

“Can you take Kkami with you? Please, take care of him when you leave first thing tomorrow morning.”

He was pleading. He desperately needed to be alone with his thoughts and regain himself, to rediscover who he was before Hyunjin became his whole world.

Felix left, leaving Hyunjin in the mess of a living room.