Bonus Chapters: Alice's Choice part 4




They had finished cleaning by the time I returned to the kitchen. I still went to the counter and checked the surfaces and made certain Kathryn had indeed labeled the contents of the freezer correctly. It was all more perfunctory than anything else. I trusted Kathryn to do her job and, as always, she had satisfied all of my expectations.

As angry as she might be with me, at least she would still obey. I was grateful for her sense to work through her emotions. Kathryn had always been exceedingly savvy and observant. No doubt she realized what was at stake.

The child remained seated at the table. I could see how tired she was, her eyes nearly closed in spite of the trauma she'd just witnessed. I wondered if Kathryn had completed the entirety of their work alone. It wouldn't have surprised me. She was always self-sacrificing, caring. A rush of guilt coursed through me anew as I thought of what I had forced her to endure...

"I think it's time we all head home," I said, walking to the covered head, picking it up gently and cradling it in my arms. I thought of Olivia, of the sweet girl I had bid farewell to just this morning. She had not deserved this end. None of them did. I could only hope her death had been quick.

"Kathryn," I said. "I assume you know whom among our ranks was closest to her. I wish we could give Olivia a larger send-off, but we cannot have too many wandering the estate at night. If Torvald should discover us he will not react favorably. Slaves gathering in the dark in secret will reek of rebellion to his mind and I assure you he will not hear reason before we all find ourselves missing our own heads."

It was all too true I knew. Torvald was already extending us all the generosity he would in allowing me continuing in my position. Moreover, I knew that watching Magnus's estate was already a strain on his own business. The last thing he needed was an excuse to slaughter a large number of his brother's human stock. Even I would not be immune if he thought he had uncovered true threat. He'd never trusted me in the first place.

"How many?" Kathryn asked.

"Three," I replied. "No more.

The girl nodded her head solemnly.

"We will meet by the large oak tree behind the slave hall at 1 am and bury her there. I don't want to wander too far, and that way she can be close to us. The others may visit tomorrow as long as they are certain not to draw attention to the spot." I turned to the child.

"As for you Rachel, I want you back in my cabin immediately. I don't want you out alone nor wandering anywhere near the main house. Torvald and his guest are still talking now and should be for at least another half hour. Kathryn will walk you home so I can take the last of their dishes." The girl agreed easily. I knew she was anxious enough to return to safety.

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The three girls who met me under the tree along with Kathryn in the dead of night were quite. They knew what had happened by now. All of their eyes focused on the white bundle when I removed it from the bag I'd used to carry Olivia to her final resting place.

We didn't talk as we took turns digging until we had made a hole deep enough to fully ensure no animals might uncover our little secret. When it was done, each girl came forward wordlessly and laid a hand upon the head, sending their private thoughts to the spirit of the woman taken from our midsts so suddenly. I uttered my own silent prayer to her spirit, begging her to forgive me for sending her unwittingly to death with no warning. I vowed, as I did to all of them, that I would never forget her loving soul and would hold her memory in my heart along with those of all the girls I had cared for and lost over the years.

After each had had their private moment I lowered the head into the makeshift grave and covered it over.

By the time it was all over I was barely able to remain on my feet. Though the others had helped, I had done a good deal of the digging and shoveling, and I was no longer young. Between the physical exertion of the day and the emotional burden, I found it difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

Since seeing Olivia's corpse, Kathryn had not really talked to me, aside from the few words and nods exchanged as we had prepared Torvald's meal. Continuing to give me the cold shoulder, she would not meet my gaze at the burial. I wondered if I had truly lost her this time. How could she forgive me for ending the life of her best friend after all? Did I even deserve forgiveness? Perhaps this separation was for the best. There was a very real possibility Magnus would never return to us away. All of my efforts to spare her and keep her in life might be for naught. Establishing a separation now might lessen the pain for both of us when I failed to protect her as I had failed Olivia.

If Torvald's talk was to believed l would not have to live long with my shame and sorrow. A grim silver lining to be sure. He would see me destroyed. It was the kindest end I could hope for and I had feared worse, but then again, he had made no definitive choice. His guest was keen to advise that I might be used till the last ounce of strength was drained from my body. I began to question my earlier resolve to end my own life. Could I do so? What if some of the girls did manage to survive? They would need me...

With my thoughts swirling around my brain in contradiction to one another and my limbs aching, I finally stumbled into my home only to find the child still awake. Though I tiptoed through the door, her wide eyes stared through the darkness the moment I entered the bedroom.

"Still awake?" I asked, turning on the lights. What was the point of fumbling through the dark if Rachel was up?

"I couldn't sleep," Rachel answered, shifting in the bed to a seated position. I sighed as I went to the wash basin and tried to scrub my hands clean of the dirt that clung to them. I did not have the energy for bath, though I could not help but feel entirely unclean. I knew it was not just my skin that needed scrubbing. After the day I'd had, it was clear the unclean feeling would not be washed away with mere soap and water.

"Alice?"

The girl's voice echoed in the silence of the night. I didn't have energy to speak with her her. I remained quiet, hoping she would leave me alone. I was not so lucky.

"Are you alright?"

The small tentative question grated. So simplistic. All most comically so.

"Of course I am," I answered. Perhaps my tone was harsher than I intended, but I wanted her to cease her prodding. I couldn't bare it in my current state. Still the onslaught continued.

"Kathryn said that Magnus has never asks you to choose among his flock. That you are never forced to butcher a human carcass. That."

"Kathryn talks too much," I snapped, cutting her off. The words were too painful. What did it matter what Magnus did or didn't do. Magnus was not my master now. Torvald ruled us all. Magnus might never come back. "Go to bed Rachel."

"But."

"No," I spat angrily before Rachel could continue, turning to face her and hold her gaze. "I am not the monster you think I am. I am not a heartless creature who feels nothing when faced with the death of our own. I grieve for each and every one of those we lose, but this? I have not been forced to do such unpleasant tasks as I did today in more than thirty years when I lived under my old master's roof."

I could feel the threat of tears burn in my eyes.

"Forcing me to face a full human corpse in my kitchen? Demanding that I be the one to name the condemned among us lest more be made to die? These are horrors Magnus would never put upon me. But that matters little does it not? We all have jobs to do, Rachel. Our Master allows me to act as overseer without forcing me to fully compromise my humanity. Torvald has chosen to be less generous. But I know my place and will willingly sacrifice whatever I must to protect those I have sworn to. It is the position I agreed to take on years ago and I will not endanger it now, potentially risking the lives of every human here for my own moral comfort."

The girl stared at me in shock, her eyes wide. I went back to preparing for bed.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said finally to my turned back. "I just never understood. I... Kathryn was sorry too. She didn't mean to blame you."

"It is hardly your place to speak for another," I answered sharply.

If Kathryn was so sorry she might have said so to me herself. But no, she had abandoned me when I so needed her support. She had judged me as all the women always had.

"Kathryn's behavior was unacceptable," I said. "Perhaps she is not fit to take my place after all. Perhaps she should live and end her life like all of the others."

I could see the horror in Rachel's face at my words.

"But I thought you cared for Kathryn?" Rachel protested.

I gave a small mirthless laugh in response and shook my head.

"You still don't understand do you?" I said. "It is because I care for Kathryn that I fear subjecting her to my fate. She is a kind soul. She cares about the women here. Her reaction to Olivia's death proves just how much it would hurt her to live as I do."

It was everything I had feared from the moment I'd become attached to my kitchen aide. Kathryn might not be strong enough. Perhaps no one was suited to take over my role, just as Magnus had always believed. Perhaps no true human could face such a role and I overestimated my own humanity from the very beginning. Kathryn had never failed to see it, but in complying with Torvald's demands it seemed I was lost even to her. Or maybe she was wrong to have ever seen something kind and loving beneath the shell of the woman I had become. Maybe there was nothing left of me...

Tears welled in my eyes again but I wiped them away. If I was an irredeemable monster I would use that to save as many as I could. What did it matter how much I might taint my soul now? What did it matter if all of my efforts were for nothing? I couldn't stop trying. I couldn't stop protecting them. Not until death himself took me from this world.

"I cannot say now what Kathryn's fate may be," I said, somehow regaining my composure. "Nor your's, nor mine. If Magnus does not recover my wishes will not matter. Torvald sees me as a nuisance. An old, ornery, rebellious animal. If his brother should die, he will not hesitate to eliminate me as swiftly as possible. Every one of Magnus's slaves will likely all be sold or slaughtered and there will be nothing we can do to prevent it.

"But if our Master returns and I do have the chance to voice my opinion I will hesitate greatly to condemn a true friend to live as I do. Acting as overseer would slowly eat away and Kathryn's humanity as it has mine. It would for any. Maybe it would be best if I simply live my life without a successor. If I advise Magnus to leave the human trade once I am gone. To slaughter each and every one of his slaves in one fell swoop and be done with it."

I could not help the small laugh that escaped my lips as she stared at me in shock.

"Don't you see, Rachel," I said, "He will not heed such a request. I care for our Master a great deal, and I would do anything to see him well again, but in the end, he is a Sibla. I am a slave. The human trade is profitable. I doubt Magnus will simply abandon it at my command."

The girl was not content with my answer. "But..." Her words of further protest trailed off as she no doubt fought to process the idea. Death and its inevitability. She had still not fully accepted it, but she would have to sooner or later. I certainly could not shield her from reality. I had never had that power.

"Go to bed, child," I said with a tired sigh. "I see the questions in your eyes but I am exhausted and have no wish to speak any further. Please don't push me. For once just listen and obey."

There was guilt on her face at my comment but I was glad it had shut her up for the time being. She laid down without complaint as I put on my nightgown and shut off the lights, joining her beneath the covers. I kept my back to her, hoping she might simply fall asleep now that I was by her side, but a moment later I heard her voice again.

"Alice?" she whispered, "Will you show me where Olivia is buried? I want to say goodbye. I didn't know her well, but she was always nice to me. She deserves to be remembered and have people visit her."

Tears welled fresh in my eyes as I turned to face her.

"That is very kind of you, Rachel," I said. "The gifts we give the dead are the most selfless of all you know, for they will never be repaid in this life. But I'm certain Olivia's soul will be grateful for your respect and care. I will show you her grave tomorrow."

I opened my arms and the girl eagerly snuggled in close. I savored the feeling of her small form next to mine. This young life so desperate to be loved and protected. So innocent. Just as my Mary had been. One day she too would be gone but for now, she was alive. She needed me. For her, I could hang on. For all of those in my care. I had no choice.

"Thank you for protecting us, Alice," Rachel said as she closed her eyes.

I stroked her soft hair as I laid my head down next to hers.

"I protect all of my Master's stock," I said, "For as long as possible. That is my job." I placed a kiss atop Rachel's head. "Good night, child," I said. "Escape into your dreams. It is the only place we are truly free."

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I personally found this scene heartbreaking from Rachel's POV too, but from Alice's? I just...feel SO bad for her. Sigh. Whelp, there is one more scene to this bonus section. It's one more that Rachel couldn't have seen. What happened the day after Olivia was laid to rest...

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