29th September, 2020

Author's Note: Finally, an update after more than a month! The stress universities give you when it's exam time, I tell you, goes through the roof. 😓 Alhamdulillah, it's time to write again though, I missed this story. Plus, I'm excited to know if you guys still stand by what Kareema said or if you would agree with Leila this time. 😄❤️ And what do you think of the new cover?! It has hints. 😉

Narrated Anas: If I had not heard the Prophet (ﷺ) saying, "You should not long for death," I would have longed (for it). Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari

Chapter Twenty One:

Ancient Scars, New Souls

Leila waited excitedly, reclining on the sofa in Husna's house, watching the clock tick endlessly. It was two weeks since she and Husna had seen Kareema. And Husna's pre-wedding ceremony was just the right celebration to welcome Kareema back into town. She watched Husna's girl cousins and a few other girls she knew from the neighbourhood chatting, walking around with bowls of kheer, or shoo-ing the male relatives out of the house.

The doorbell finally rang, announcing Kareema's arrival and Leila walked to the door to pull it open.

"It's been a while, Missy!" Leila squealed as Kareema smiled at her.

"I know right?!" Kareema said, hugging her friend at the door before Leila closed the door behind her. "Assalam alaykum to you too."

"Wa Alaykum Assalam, okay let's go to Husna's room, there are too many people here." Leila said, ushering her newly-wed friend. The two friends were stopped at least five times by elderly ladies asking Kareema how her "trip-with-the-husband" was, and Leila was already getting annoyed for her friend. Finally, they reached Husna's room, and Leila firmly shut the door behind her.

"So how was everything?" Husna asked, and Kareema laughed. "What did you guys do on your sugarmoon? What did you talk about? How much did you--"

"Breathe, Husna, breathe." Kareema grinned.

"She's excited because it's going to be her soon, Ma Shaa Allah." Leila winked at her friend, settling in the bed.

"I'm more scared than excited." Husna admitted.

"What on earth are you scared about?" Leila blinked.

"Not Laith, just... other things. Like what if we run out of things to talk about?" Husna's eyes widened worriedly.

"Oh SubhanAllah, that won't happen, don't worry!" Kareema shook her head in amusement.

"No no, I'm serious." Husna panicked. "I've known Laith all my life, I already know everything about him. Ranging from his favourite colour to his embarrassing moments! I don't know if there's anything we have left to talk about."

"If it makes you comfortable, that's not what we talked about at all..." Kareema tried to recall.

"You didn't?" Leila asked. "I honestly can't think of what you might be talking about..."

"I still don't know his favourite colour. I mean, I think it's olive green or white. But he complimented me when I was wearing a red dress the other day." Kareema shrugged. "And embarrassing moments? Sheesh, that sounds like a prim-and-proper interview material."

"Oh my poetic friend, then what have you uttered to your beloved?" Leila said, trying to pry it out of her friend.

"As far as I can remember... about stars? Cities? Flowers? A little philosophy here and there, claiming how far and wide our love is that it echoes above the heavens, perhaps the moon's mysterious light." Kareema said, smiling fondly. "We have many differences, to be honest. Sometimes even in minor Islamic beliefs. But they're like contrasting threads, held in creative tension. We'll figure something out, I like it."

"You guys are goals." Leila exclaimed, fake-wiping a tear.

"We've talked about children too." Kareema smiled. "If we're lucky enough, we do plan on four."

"Four?!" Leila exclaimed. "Ooh, In Shaa Allah!"

"In Shaa Allah." Kareema echoed.

"May He bless you with your happy halal dreams." Husna interjected.

"Ameen, ya rabbil 'aalameen." Kareema said, her eyes holding the content emotion.

"So calm down is what Kareema is saying, I guess." Leila said. "And just... go with the flow."

"I don't know what that means--" Husna shook her head.

"Habibti, just be yourself." Kareema reassured her.

"I'm pretty sure he would rather not hear about the aesthetic beige dresses I saw in a store the other day and tried to recreate it at home." Husna sighed.

"He will." Kareema said adamantly. "He will want to listen to all the words you have stored in your heart for years and years. Even the tiniest things, that's the magic in halal love."

"I hope so." Husna smiled a little.

"He likes her, doesn't he?" Kareema asked Leila.

"I'm not supposed to say anything, but since you're my best friend..." Leila grinned, and sat up straight before proceeding. "He is head-over-heels in love with you, and would listen to everything you have to say, all day long if you want."

"Really?" Husna said, a shy smile gracing her features.

"Believe me, he has so many things to tell you." Leila said, rolling her eyes. "I'm tired of listening to them!" She said, as Kareema giggled.

"It's just that..." Husna smiled, feeling a little guilty. "We have spoken quite a lot in the supervised chat thingy, but things seemed to have slowed down a bit now."

"That's only because--" Leila started.

"He's publishing his book, setting up the house, yes, but..." Husna heaved a sigh. "I don't like the feeling it leaves me with at the end of the day."

"It opens doors to assumptions, doesn't it?" Leila said ruefully. "It makes you restless, you might even end up losing sleep over something that isn't even happening."

"Exactly." Husna admitted. "Is it not like that, Kareema?" She turned to face her wedded friend. "Are you not scared that you'll run out of words?"

"Not at all." Kareema shook her head. "I don't think it's something to worry about. The world is such that there are never two same days, and that means there is always something new to talk about."

"That's true..." Husna seemed a little convinced.

"But... for me, you know, because Leila shared the same view on this..." Kareema started. "I tried my best to stay away from him before marriage, even if we already had the wedding date fixed. I mean, anything could go wrong anytime. And I'd preferably choose my faith over things that weaken my heart in this world, like love for His creations."

"So you're saying I should have stayed away from the online chat even if it was supervised?"

"Yes." Kareema nodded. "Leila was against it too, weren't you?"

"I still am." Leila smiled softly at Husna. "I'd very much prefer that you guys don't talk unnecessarily like how it's been going on... until after marriage."

"It has been the source of restlessness, you're right." Husna said. "Besides, didn't somebody wise say distance brings people closer?"

As the chatter between the three friends continued, Kareema illustrated the various activities she had done with Ahsan. The time when they had secretly gone to the cliffs of Eljanaz at midnight, she said, had been magical. It wasn't just the cool breeze, the pretty skies and the sound of waves... for Kareema, it was Ahsan's protective embrace that burned into her memory. And she wouldn't trade it for all that the world contains.

They were soon interrupted by a few aunties who had come to wish Husna on her last days of singlehood, and Kareema halted her story. Leila noticed Aunty Asma, Laeeq's relative, and almost freaked out. Not only because Aunty Asma was casting weird glances her way, but also because she kept mentioning her soft-spoken, gentle-hearted nephew for whom she was searching a bride.

Apparently. Leila rolled her eyes mentally, annoyed at the whole ordeal. Why am I so bothered about this?

"Kareema, my dear!" Aunty Asma exclaimed, nearing Leila. "How have you been?" To Leila, it seemed like she was trying to get a good picture of the-potential-bride in Leila under a microscope.

"Alhamdulillah, Aunty Asma, all good." Kareema offered her a smile.

"You're a married woman now, you should come and sit with the elders." The woman spoke, and Leila found her distaste grow.

"Yes Aunty." Kareema agreed, even though she plainly didn't want to.

"So I heard you and Ahsan have been... travelling, hmm?" Aunty Asma gave her a suggestive look, to Leila's horror.

"Aah, yes." Kareema nodded. "We went to Eljanaz for most of last week."

"I hope you enjoyed that place, it has very peaceful cliffs."

"Yes Aunty, Alhamdulillah." Kareema said sweetly.

"Do tell us the good news soon, eh?" She chuckled, and Kareema turned red in embarrassment.

"Uh..."

"There's no hurry, both of you are still young." She dismissed her own statement. "But it's good to plan ahead, you know--"

"Yes Aunty." Kareema chanted.

"You're Leila Muhammad, am I right?" She asked suddenly. "The daughter of...?"

Leila engaged her in small talk before the aunty decided to leave them alone. But Kareema was already gone, and Leila spotted her turning a corner outside the room. Telling Husna she'd be back, Leila walked out of the crowded room. It took her ten minutes to find Kareema, who was perched on short walls of the roof. Leila relayed the conversation in her head and realised it was when Aunty Asma talked about good news that Kareema's mood changed.

"You know, she's just asking you because she's conditioned to. Don't let it get into your head." Leila said soothingly, sitting down beside her.

"And you tell me I try my best to find the good in people." Kareema rolled her eyes.

"Aww," Leila chuckled. "I didn't know the topic would touch a nerve."

"Well... it's a sensitive and personal thing."

"You're right, though I still think it's quite okay and normal though." Leila shrugged. "You never know, she might even be good-naturedly curious."

"We have to stop people demanding babies from us!" Kareema burst into tears. "I hate how vocal they get to be!"

Leila hadn't ever seen her friend become so distraught over a matter in a long time. It worried her immensely that such a tiny thing would set off an emotional hurricane.

"Hey, are you okay?" Leila asked, concern evident in her tone.

"Yeah... kind of." Kareema sniffed.

"Okay, maybe we should get some lemonade--"

"Actually no, I'm not." Kareema said angrily. "I'm sick of people telling me I should get pregnant."

"Is something wrong?" Leila asked cautiously. "You aren't someone who gets frustrated this easily. I feel like this has been in your mind for a long time now."

"It has. Something is terribly wrong, and I can't change it." Kareema spoke, her voice getting shriller with every syllable.

"You know you can tell me anything that's bothering you." Leila asked. "I mean, you even let me read your diary."

"Okay, but don't tell Husna." Kareema said, tears pooling in her eyes. "She's already worried about Laith, but she's happy. I don't want to spoil her mood for her wedding."

"Is it that serious?" Leila's eyebrows were knit together.

"I don't know anymore." Kareema cried, streaks of tears running down her cheeks.

"Did Ahsan do something? Did he--"

"Astaghfirullah, no no!" Kareema shook her head vigorously. "He has been the best husband ever, he is so very kind and sweet, gentle and understanding. It's not his fault at all."

"Then I am at a loss." Leila said, bewildered by her response. "What's bothering you?"

"It's very hard for me to say this." Kareema said, trying to hold her tears back. "But it's been having such a strong effect on me, I never thought..."

"What is it, habibti?" Leila asked, consolingly. Her mind had already come up with a lot of scenarios.

"You remember when Ahsan's family wouldn't contact me?" Kareema began, and Leila listened intently to every word as Kareema moved from one scene to the next, illustrating their conversation in the balcony, then in the old Inersaw souq and finally on the wedding night. "The bottom line is, we may never be able to conceive."

Sadness tinged Kareema's voice, her eyes avoided Leila who held a dumbstruck expression.

"You knew it. Yet--!" Leila started.

"I knew before marriage. I knew it all along, and I still chose him." Kareema told her.

"Is it just you, or did he tell your parents too?"

"My parents don't know, you're the first person I'm telling."

A long silence stretched between them.

"Are you disappointed in me?" Kareema asked, afraid of the answer, yet needing to hear it.

"I don't know." Leila spoke truthfully. "I... Is this what love is? The feeling that grows so much you forget yourself and your dreams too? Is this love, Kareema, that robbed you of the four children whose names run around in circles in your head?"

Kareema remained silent, her heart heavy.

"There is a limit to selflessness, beyond which it is called self- harm." Leila told her, her tone riddled with harshness. "I don't know what love is, I truly don't. But this is not what I was taught. If this is love, I have no intention of housing it near me. If love is what makes us truly blind, then I'm afraid of it."

"I'm afraid of it for you too, Kareema, for the decision you made, for the excuses you've given... I find it to be weak. This is not what was taught to me!" Leila reiterated. "I used to believe in a love that strengthens. I don't know why it doesn't add up."

"You think I was wrong, don't you?" Kareema asked, her eyes filling with tears once again. "Please tell me if I've made the wrong decision."

"I truly, honestly don't know." Leila shook her head. "Your reasons for meeting him are good, but why have you buried your happiness like this?"

"I trust him that much, and I love him that much." Kareema said simply. "I want your opinion on this." Kareema pleaded. "I trust you, Leila."

"You know the one thing that's annoying me?" Leila said, feeling bitter. "The fact that you were in tears before marriage, and you're still in tears after."

"But this is not his fault, wouldn't it be wrong of me to reject him when he can't help it?" Kareema asked.

"Listen, Kareema." Leila began. "How much do you trust your Lord?"

It seemed to Leila now that Kareema was a little uncomfortable with the question, because she had chosen something that discreetly avoided the wishes of the Prophet. It seemed to leave her ashamed, that even after Ahsan's multiple warnings, she hadn't heeded to it. She hadn't told her parents everything, nor had she prayed the istikhaara with an open mind.

"I've taken a big decision so hastily." Kareema spoke.

"Habibti, I am not saying that you were wrong." Leila consoled her. "Perhaps he is the best for you, and this is your test. I am not saying he doesn't deserve to get married to you either, I am sure he is just as wonderful as you say he is."

Kareema nodded, feeling a little light at Leila's words.

"All I am saying is... maybe you could've done better. Perhaps, the decisions you take should be a little less influenced by your personal feelings." Leila spoke. "You can probably make a better choice for yourself, and ultimately for the faith in your heart if you weren't so desperately scared to lose Ahsan and trusted your Lord a little bit more."

"Do not hide the love you have in your heart for a soul from your parents, don't they deserve to know how capable your heart is too?" Leila explained.

"When they know just how much you love him, would they want you to be unhappy?" Leila questioned. "Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is just like that with us too. Don't you truly believe that he would be able to keep you content? I agree that Ahsan was very important to you, I saw you go through one hundred and three degree fever for him, but this is just fear, it's the weakness Shaytaan makes you believe you have."

"You are so strong, Kareema, you would be able to live without the love of your life if you just hardened your heart a little bit for Allah." Leila hugged her friend, who broke down into tears.

"Leila, you have no idea how blessed I am to have you." Kareema spoke between sobs. "You're like a second mother to me."

"Aww habibti, I hope and pray to Him every day that I do my duty as a good friend." Leila said softly. "May He grant you the beautiful dreams your heart desires, and make them the best things you adorn your life with."

After the longest time, Leila's qalb felt a little heavy. She wasn't sure if all she had said was true, yet, somehow it seemed like she was teaching herself a lesson she'd need later on. Sure, she had claimed that she couldn't recognise love even if it knocked on her door, but it was her eyes playing tricks on her.

Her soul was overshadowed with ancient scars. It held within its walls the secrets of many, to the point that she felt like spilling them over. It was one addition to the list of secrets she knew that quickened her breath.

Laeeq's recording, which she had accidentally played at the orphanage instead of a surah recording of her own, had left her speechless. She had forgotten it existed, but now that she knew something was personal as...

The dead girl he loved...

It didn't help the fact that he said; "I loved her so much that I would secretly wish for death, but there is a hadith that says we must not do that, it has saved me for far more times than I can remember." Leila closed her eyes in an attempt to shut her thoughts away. She would not like Laeeq, if she could help it, she would barren her heart in the desert for it to dry of the love he had infused but she would not love him. Not somebody like him, never. Even if she didn't know the whole story... these ancient scars on her soul needed time to heal.