"Hey", the word leaving my mouth came out quieter than intended as I sat down and made myself comfortable on the by now well-known ground in front of Kai's grave, "I'm sorry that I haven't been here for a while."

I followed my usual routine and reached for my purse to cram out two candles, carefully placing them in front of the headstone and lighting them with a sorrowful smile sitting on my lips.

For a moment, my eyes lingered on the flickering flames and the shadows they created on the granite surface behind them, allowing me to mentally sort out and prioritize what I wanted to talk about.

"So, there's actually a lot to tell today, Kai. Honestly, I don't even know where to start."

A defeated sigh escaped my lips as I pondered in which order I should deal with the topics that were keeping me busy lately, shaking my head as I realized how mind-bendingly stupid I actually was for breaking my head about something like that. It was absurd.

I am talking to myself in front of a fucking stone. It's not like he's there and listening anyway.

"Well, so maybe I'll just start with the reason why I didn't manage to visit you for a while", I paused and a grimace formed on my face as I thought about what I was about to say, "Uh, so...if I remember correctly, I've already mentioned my colleague Aizawa a few times when I was here. So, you see, it's like-...or rather I-...no, what I mean is-...fuck."

Why is it so difficult to say it?

Just say it.

Do it.

"Imightormightnothavecaughtfeelingsforthatguy", I pressed out in one go and under my breath, refusing to pause between the words or to allow myself to inhale or exhale before the sentence was out.

See? Easy.

"It's unexpected...It's confusing. Oh fuck...and it's scary. I know that you're not here with me anymore Kai, but I still love you. I'm incredibly conflicted for feeling this way, and I'm awfully sorry, but I can't deny that these feelings exist. I'm not planning to act on them. I really don't know. Would you be okay with that? I can't possibly imagine it. Chiyo always wants me to picture how you'd resolve or react to certain situations and it usually works, but this time...this time is different. I can't. I can't imagine that you'd be fine with...all of this", I mused while my eyes absent-mindedly stared at the tiny flames in front of me.

That wasn't all of it.

Say it.

You have to say it. Thinking about it is not enough.

My hands mechanically reached for the ring dangling from my necklace, trying to seek comfort by carefully enclosing it and caressing the cold metal that meant a lot to me.

"Actually, there's something else. I know it's stupid, like really really really fucking stupid, but I can't help and...ask myself if I'd have also fallen for him if you were still here with me? I know that this makes absolutely no sense. I know that, ok? If these...things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be at the U.A. and I wouldn't be who I am today, but still...I can't get this fucking what if out of my head. Am I just trying to find a replacement for you? I don't want to replace you. No one could ever replace you."

There we go. Good job.

I said it.

Enough progress for today.

We don't have to dwell on that topic.

I'd say that now's definitely time for a change of topic.

"Honestly, today's topics are all complete and utter bullshit. I'd love to come here and tell you something good for once. Anyway...Sugimoto, that sadistic fucker that tried to kill me in that warehouse, the guy that...ordered the abortion...Remember when I promised you to find out who's at fault for your death? Sugimoto was probably the only one that could have given me a clue about where to start searching. Apparently, this stupid piece of shit loves to make my life harder than it has to be. I wanted to talk to him, but I never got the chance and I won't get it in future. He was murdered. This stupid dickhead had the audacity to get killed by a simple bullet to the head. His prison transport got attacked, but Tsukauchi and the police have no idea who was responsible for that attack. I'm still at the start. I'm still completely clueless about what's going on, and it's truly pissing me off. But I already told you – no matter what it takes, I will keep my promise to you. I will find that fucking guy with the mask and I'll make him pay for what he has done."

Well, I got a bit lost, but I think the message came across.

Today was Sunday. It had been almost two weeks since I had learned about Sugimoto's death. I'd had enough time to calm down and get a hold of myself, or rather the emotional turmoil that had been controlling me.

Nevertheless, I couldn't deny that I was still incredibly salty about this more than unfortunate turn of events. I had tried to come up with another way to find a clue that would enable me to start my vendetta, but I hadn't managed to detect one.

My only option was to try and take up the masked guy's trail all by myself. The best way to do so was probably to have a nice little chit-chat with some criminals or villains that could have heard of him.

But at the moment, I had no idea how I would be able to reconcile that little project with my job at the U.A.

I needed to plan this carefully. I couldn't act with precipitation.

Speaking of my job at the U.A....

"The last thing I want to get off my chest isn't actually as bad as the others. Maybe that's why I unconsciously saved it for the end", I said, forcing myself to put on a weak smile.

"Tomorrow's the first day of the new school year, which means that tomorrow is the actual first day of my new job as a teacher. Holy shit, Kai. I'm so fucking nervous, I can't even put it in words. There are so many things that I don't know. What if I royally fuck up and ruin all these kids? I basically have no idea what I'm doing in there. Today, in the morning, I was super excited, but now...all the excitement is gone, and all that's left is that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to vomit. I don't want to fail. Oh fuck. Now that I've said it, it's getting worse. What if I fuck it up so badly that Nezu kicks my sorry ass out? I'll end up homeless. I'll end up as a hobo without a job. Oh shit. The only thing I've ever done was my hero job. I'm basically useless without that. What should I do? I mean, I have enough savings to survive unemployed for a bit, but...oh no."

With every word I spoke, the nauseous feeling intensified tenfold and one of my hands let go of the ring it was previously enclosing, darting up to cover my mouth instead.

Oh fuck.

My eyes widened in full panic as I realized what was about to happen and I jumped up, running at lightening speed to the next trash can, arriving just in time to turn my inside out in safe distance to the graves.

Shit. That's so embarrassing. I'll just pretend this never happened.

When my body was eventually done with overreacting, I paused for a moment, still shaky on my feet and propping myself up at the trash can, and quickly looked around to ensure that nobody had seen this humiliating scene, letting out an exaggerated sigh of relief as I noticed that I was alone at the cemetery.

Thank fucking god.

I hurried back to Kai's grave, head lowered in shame, and picked up my purse, getting ready to leave. But before I turned around to head to the exit, I glanced down at the two candles that were still peacefully flickering in front of my husband's headstone.

"You know...I really miss you. All the time. I miss you so badly. I wish you could give me some helpful advice for tomorrow. I love you, Kai."

...

"And if you have somehow seen that shitshow right now – this never happened. Got me?"

___________________________________

The moment Himari's eyes landed on her house she spotted a person seated on the steps to the cosy little terrace in front of her home's entrance, causing her to furrow her brows in confusion.

It was none other than her friend Nemuri who was casually sitting there and slurping on a coffee, another cup placed next to her.

A bright smile crept on the raven-haired beauty's face as her bright blue eyes found the brunette she had been waiting for, who was approaching her home with a fastened pace.

"Hima! Finally! Where on earth have you been? It's Sunday evening", the R-rated hero chirped from her place on the steps as she got up on her two feet.

Himari had absolutely no problem with Nemuri paying her a visit, but her paranoia immediately kicked in and she couldn't help but wonder if anything had happened that could have caused her friend's surprise visit.

"Hey Nemuri", the brunette sent her a warm smile, "Any reason for your visit or just a casual stop by?"

"I had some preparations to do at school. I was just on my way home when I thought that I could surprise you with a coffee and check on you. I haven't heard from you since the gala and that was almost two weeks ago", Nemuri stated with a worried tone resonating in her voice, picking up the second cup of coffee and handing it over to Himari with a grin.

What the heroine had said was true. By now, the freckled brunette had managed to squeeze herself into her heart. Her demeanour and her attitude reminded Nemuri of someone, but she couldn't pinpoint of whom.

She knew that Himari was a person that enjoyed being alone most of the time. That's why she didn't contact and bug her to the same extent as Hizashi in her free time. Somehow the woman reminded her a lot of Aizawa. Even though she was a lot more sociable and goofier than her tired friend, Nemuri couldn't deny that the two of them certainly shared some similarities.

The raven-haired heroine genuinely appreciated the girl-time with Himari. On top of that, she knew that her friend was probably nervous considering that tomorrow was her first real day of work as a teacher, which had eventually convinced her that a short visit wouldn't hurt, even if it was only to distract Himari and calm her nerves a bit.

Nemuri followed the brunette into her house, making small talk on their way to the living room, where Himari sighed and slumped down on the couch while her friend made herself comfortable on the armchair.

"Nervous?", Nemuri asked with a raised eyebrow, her eyes trained on the woman on the couch who was contently sipping on her coffee.

The woman in question shivered as she recalled the embarrassing scene at the cemetery just an hour ago, letting out a hum of agreement, "Honestly, I'd lie if I said no."

"You'll be doing fine Hima. We're all here for you. If you have any questions or if anything's unclear, just ask us", the blue-eyed beauty stated with a heartfelt smile as she started to reminisce about her first day as a teacher.

"Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you guys", Himari replied softly, genuinely grateful for the support she always received from her new friends and colleagues.

But looking at her friend sitting next to her, she couldn't help but wonder if it would be alright to ask about Hizashi.

She hadn't heard anything from him since the gala. The only thing she knew from Aizawa was that Nemuri had taken the apparently extremely drunk loudmouthed blond home that night.

There was still a feeling of guilt gnawing at her, although she was aware that it wasn't her fault that she didn't reciprocate his feelings. But in the hindsight, especially after realizing that she indeed harboured feelings for Aizawa, the former heroine felt even worse. Her explanation to Hizashi had been that she wasn't interested in being involved with a man due to her previous relationship. She had told him that she wasn't even wasting a thought about men that way.

Yet, there she was. Slowly coming to terms with the fact that all of that was bullshit and accepting that a certain someone had successfully managed to creep into her heart and mind. On top of that, that certain someone was the best friend of the guy she'd just rejected and fobbed off with a poor excuse, which didn't exactly contribute to soothing her bad conscience.

Naturally, Nemuri didn't fail to notice the gloomy aura that had suddenly started to emanate from her friend. She could basically hear the cogs turning in her head. It was obvious that she was breaking her head about something and she was certain that she knew the reason for it.

Slightly amused at the super concentrated thinking-expression on the brunette's face, Nemuri let out a snicker, "Oh man, Hima. I know that you probably want to ask about our favourite noisy banana head. Just do it. Do you think I'll bite you if you ask?"

"Well, uh – so, yeah", Himari stuttered, completely taken aback by the fact that Nemuri had just called her out like that and hoping that it wasn't always that obvious what's going on in her head, "Have you heard anything from Hizashi lately?"

"The last time I've seen him was at the gala night. He's super busy with work at the moment, that's all I know", Nemuri remarked, knowing too well that this wasn't the answer Himari hoped for, but she wanted her to speak up and ask directly.

"Uh-...how is he doing?", Himari questioned reluctantly, hesitating before she added, "Has he mentioned... something to you?"

"Something?", Nemuri noted, diverted by Himari's hesitancy to openly speak about what was weighing on her mind, "You mean that our poor lovesick boy confessed to you and got rejected? Oh man, it's like high school all over again. Yeah, he might have mentioned something like that."

Nemuri chuckled as she recalled how drunk her blond friend had been that night, but she stopped in an instant as she saw the devastation written across Himari's face.

"Hima, come on. I was joking. Rejections are part of the game called love. Sometimes you have to take a risk. Don't you dare to feel guilty about this. You can't control what you're feeling. It's not like he can't handle the situation."

Eventually, Nemuri ended up telling Himari everything she could remember from that night.

After Hizashi had found her, they had started to look for Himari, who had gone missing after that little incident on the dancefloor.

The R-rated heroine decided to omit the part where she'd spotted Himari and Aizawa on the dancefloor. Now was not the time to bring that up – yet. She wanted to unleash the full potential of that information when the timing was right.

Hizashi and her had ended up at the bar where the poor guy drowned himself in shots until he was barely able to hold himself on the barstool while he had repeatedly emphasized that he was absolutely fine.

She had let him babble to himself, but at some point, when he had been close to passing out, she'd organized a cab and gotten him home, where she'd tucked him in like a baby.

"Naturally, he was a bit gloomy, but he'll get over it. If you ask me, it was a serious case of puppy love. Nothing too bad. Don't worry and just act normally around him at school. No need to make it awkward. We're adults after all", Nemuri said with a wink in Himari's direction, ending her monologue. "But now to the important stuff – where were you that night? I didn't manage to find you after you sneaked away from me. Aizawa made sure that you got home, right?"

Himari recalled the events of that night, the memories vividly playing in front of her eyes and causing a goofy smile to appear on her face.

"Well, I found out that the building had a cosy roof terrace and I retreated up there to enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. At least until Aizawa showed up and convinced me to go back down there for the sake of my job, reminding me of Nezu's threats."

A smirk crept on Nemuri's face, "And what did you guys do up there on that cosy roof terrace?"

For a second, Himari considered telling Nemuri about what had happened on that roof, but when she opened her mouth to start speaking, Aizawa's murder face and his I swear, if you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you popped up in her mind, causing her to abandon this plan as quickly as it had appeared in the first place.

"Uh-...we talked? Yes, we talked and enjoyed the view, I mean, not the view. We simply enjoyed the peace and quiet up there."

In premonition of what was to come and filled with terror, Himari observed how the innocent smirk on Nemuri's beautiful face evolved into the smuggest shit-eating grin she had ever seen in her entire life.

"And what about the two of you on the dancefloor down there?", her friend asked with a sickly-sweet voice and fluttering eyelashes.

For the umpteenth time since the gala, Himari's thoughts trailed back to how it had felt to be this close to Aizawa, which caused her face to unconsciously heat up.

"W-well, he still owed me a dance and we needed to kill time somehow."

"Ah, I see. Killing time, huh? You know what's interesting, Hima?"

"Uhm, no? But I bet everything I possess that you're surely going to tell me in a second or two?", Himari asked with a raised eyebrow, her voice drenched in sarcasm.

"I know Aizawa for more than ten years and never ever have I seen that man dancing, especially not with a woman in his arms. I didn't even know that he can dance. Although it's questionable if whatever that was can be titled as dancing", the raven-haired heroine stated matter-of-factly, "And don't get me talking about that smitten expression on his face when he looked at you! You're here for what? Half a year and you already managed to turn everyone's head. Teach me your ways woman!"

At first, Himari had been convinced that she wouldn't talk with Nemuri about that, but she couldn't deny that her friend's words had affected her more than she was comfortable to admit, managing to successfully pique her curiosity.

She had reluctantly accepted her feelings for her colleague, but she was dead set on not acting on them. Well, that had been the original plan. But Nemuri's words had flipped a switch in her brain, causing her to ponder.

That smitten expression on his face? Had it been more than just her imagination? Could he really...? Did Nemuri know anything she didn't?

"What? What are you talking about?"

"So, you're telling me that everyone is falling for you and you don't even realize it? What are you? A brick? How oblivious can someone be? That man is a complete goner for you. Don't tell me your dense ass hasn't noticed that yet?"

"It's not everyone – stop exaggerating Nemuri", Himari pouted, but her heart had started to flutter uncontrollably at the thought that what her friend was trying to imply was true, "I don't know. What is there that I should have noticed?"

"Well, first of all – do you have eyes? He's ogling at you all the time. His eyes are basically glued to you whenever you're in the same room as him. And don't even pretend as if you're not doing the same. Man, when we arrived at the gala you guys basically had a weird magic moment going on with me as a third wheel standing directly next to you."

Himari remained silent as she couldn't come up with a reasonable retort to Nemuri's accusations, her cheeks heating up once again as the scene replayed in her head.

"Also, the two of you are spending an awful lot of time together. How come?"

"This is something I can't answer myself. He certainly has a talent for showing up at the most random and worst times possible."

"Coincidence? I think not. Just think about it. This man usually spends every goddamn second of his free time wrapped up in this nasty sleeping bag. Seems like his priorities have shifted, huh?", Nemuri snickered, enjoying the sight of Himari whose head threatened to turn into a tomato any second.

That moment Himari was sure that the butterflies that nested in her stomach had consumed some drugs because they were going batshit crazy.

However, the way she was feeling didn't change the fact that she was still deeply conflicted.

The interrupted talk with Recovery Girl had caused her to reflect on that matter a lot, and she had drawn the conclusion that everything Chiyo had said was true and plausible. Yet, she ended up in a perennial back and forth between the decision to ignore her feelings and the thought of actually giving it a try and act on them.

Was it really true what Nemuri was telling her? It sounded reasonable, but somehow, she couldn't dissipate the doubts that were rooted within her.

"Considering that derpy look on your face, I try a shot in the dark and say that you're not as averse to hearing all of this as you want to give the impression", Nemuri added with a hearty chuckle as she saw the panic glistening in Hima's eyes, "Oh, come on. Don't look like you're being caught with the hand in the cookie jar. It's not like you're doing something illegal. Real talk now – did something happen between the two of you?"

"Nah, nothing happened."

"Do you want something to happen? Just asking because I swear that I just heard a bit of disappointment."

Himari hesitated and considered if she should openly...well, somewhat openly talk with Nemuri. The woman was one of her best friends, so there would be nothing wrong with that. Probably, her friend maybe would be able to help her.

"Hima, you know that you can talk to me, right? I'm not planning to run into the teacher's lounge tomorrow and blurt out what you told me. Girl talk is girl talk. Whatever is said here, remains here. If you need a second opinion on anything, no matter what topic, I'm here for you."

"Uh, well. I think I might have somehow...caught feelings?", Himari mumbled, muttering the last two words under her breath while she expectantly stared at Nemuri, waiting for her friend's reaction.

"That's great! That means you're both on the same page. But...why are you saying that with the same level of enthusiasm as if someone just died?"

"I don't know. Honestly, I'm a bit conflicted and not entirely sure what to think about this situation."

"Sometimes I really get the impression that you want to punish yourself for whatever reason. Why don't you just allow yourself to be happy? Why are you conflicted? Because of your previous relationship?", Nemuri furrowed her brows in confusion, not able to understand her friend's train of thoughts, "The past is the past, Hima. It's time to move on. No need to completely give up on men because of one unfortunate relationship."

Himari gulped as she processed Nemuri's words. Naturally, her friend had no idea about the circumstances that had led to the end of her previous relationship that had been more than unfortunate, but strangely enough, what she had said perfectly corresponded with Chiyo's words of encouragement, causing Himari to question herself.

Were they right?

Was she punishing herself for Kai's death? Did she not allow herself to be happy because of Kai's death? Was she really sabotaging her own life?

Deep down, she knew the answer to all these questions.

She was punishing herself for Kai's death. By now, she was aware that she didn't kill him. It wasn't her. That masked fucker controlled her, but in the end, it were her hands that slit his throat, and the scene would be forever ingrained in her head. Nothing would change that.

She didn't allow herself to be happy because of Kai's death. It felt wrong. It wasn't fair. He was robbed of his life, being completely innocent. Yet, she was still there. Going out and actively seeking for happiness felt wrong. She also knew that she couldn't spend the rest of her life moping around and isolating herself, but still, it was an absurd situation that overwhelmed her.

She wasn't actively sabotaging her own life. It happened unconsciously because she still attempted to process and understand why everything turned out the way it did.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. But life wasn't fair. By now, she'd realized that this was something she had to come to terms with.

"You know that you only have to get your ass up and make a move to seal the deal, right?", Nemuri noted, taking a sip of her coffee while her eyes remained trained on the brunette on the couch.

"But what if I don't want to do that?"

"Do what? Listen, you don't have to go all in. You don't have to force anything. It doesn't have to be something serious, although I have to admit that I'm dying from curiosity to find out how Aizawa behaves in situation that require emotions. In all those years, I haven't seen him once romantically involved with another woman - at least, seriously."

"So, you're telling me that you basically know him since forever and you haven't seen his softy side yet?", Himari questioned, slightly amused at Nemuri's interests.

"Now, you've gained my attention. Naturally, I know that deep down he's a big old softy, but he tends to keep that side well-hidden and sealed behind his grumpy façade. What has he done? Has he started to court you? Has he wooed you with the eloquence? With his monotonous sleepy voice? Has he laughed in your presence? I need details, Hima. Details", the raven-haired woman groaned, exaggeratedly gesturing with her hands to accentuate the point she was trying to make.

Himari let out a heartfelt chortle at the questions that poured out of Nemuri's mouth without pause between them, "He can actually be sweet if he wants to. Also, I would have never thought it to be like that but he's a true gentleman, and yes, he laughed. Several times. When I managed to squeeze a chuckle out of him, it was like I had managed to unlock an achievement. He's a tough one when it comes to laughing though. Curiosity satisfied or does your nosy ass need more?"

"I'm satisfied. Really satisfied because you told me something for once. But only for now. Let's get back to my question though – what's wrong with giving it a shot, even if it's only for some fun times? You might get the chance to sneak into that sleeping bag. I'm sure he can...help you to release some stress", Nemuri cackled loudly, emphasizing her words with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, "I'm joking, Hima. Don't give me that look. But seriously – why wouldn't you want to do that? If you like him and he likes you – why not give it a try? Everything else is just plain stupid. If something good happens or is in your reach, go for it, reach for it, and embrace it. Don't run away from your own happiness."

The former heroine sighed. She knew that her friend was right, "Listen, Nemuri. I really have to think about...all of this, ok? My thoughts are a bit messy lately. But I'll consider what you just said, alright? Just do me a favour and don't imply or say something weird or inappropriate to him – at least, not more inappropriate and weird than usual. Everything's already awkward enough as it is."

"Promise", Nemuri replied with the outline of a satisfied grin on her lips, "But in return, I want you to promise to tell me what he's packing when you guys get down to business."

"Nemuri!", Himari shrieked, quickly placing down her coffee and grabbing the cushion closest to her in a swift motion, chucking it full force at her friend who dodged the fluffy projectile without any effort.

"Considering that he treats his scarf like a national treasure, do you think he's into bondage? I bet he has some weird kin-"

Before the giggling heroine could finish her sentence, another cushion came flying at her and smacked her right in the face.

"Stop it! You are impossible, I swear", Himari wheezed, barely able to hold herself together at the sight of a perplex Nemuri who was still trying to process what just had happened to her.

For a moment, the two of them just stared at each other with big eyes before they eventually cracked and burst into a laughing fit.

When she had recovered from her fit of laughter, Himari's eyes fell on the still giggling woman on the chair next to her. She used the back of her hand to wipe away the tears of joy that had started to run down her cheeks.

A sincere smile crept on Himari's face. The presence of Nemuri made her realize how grateful she was for the chance to got to know all of them.

Despite of all the absurd and unbelievable shit that had happened, despite of everything that was still heavily weighing on her mind, Himari felt genuinely content.

"Nemuri? Are you ready to pop a bottle of wine or are you busy tonight?"