(on screen interview with dakota mcmanus, alphatauri honda)

"...somehow i knew it would come to this. i knew that what was happening to me was serious, and i didn't see a way out. for me, the only light at the end of the tunnel was the thought that maybe one day i'd be able to prove myself in helmut's eyes. i just wanted him to love me as much as he loved max, or sebastian. i needed external validation, i needed to know that i had someone who believed in me not because we were family, not because they had to but because i had the potential *dakota pauses to wipe some tears collecting at the corner of her eye*.  nobody should have to go through what i went through."

INSTAGRAM

DakotaElaineee

liked by yukitsunoda, sergioperez, daniilkvyat, virgini.mcmann, naomischiff, pierregasly and others

dakotaelaineee I took this picture on my first day of testing with the Red Bull Junior Driver's Programme. I was nineteen years old, and I had just moved from my grandfather's house in Faenza to Milton Keynes, England, where I lived in a RBR-owned housing complex, in a house that I shared with danticktum and liamlawson30. There were no other young women in the Red Bull programme. Groundbreakingly, I was supposed to be the first, like I had been for everything else in my career. Dan and Liam were nice enough, but I couldn't relate to either of them. I spent most of my free time alone over breaks from the circuit, when I wasn't travelling with Toro Rosso and trying to do my job as a mechanic.

That year, after I signed my contract, I saw a difference in the work that I was being assigned in the garage. Instead of changing tyres and helping put the car together ina functioning state, I found I was being handed more trivial matters, like being the jack operator during pitstops.

When I asked my superiors why, Dr. Marko told me that 'girls don't change tyres'.

That should have been my first red flag.

For Toro Rosso testing, I worked alongside two of my now-longtime friends: daniilkvyat and alexander_albon. There were no other testing drivers, only me. So when my lap times would come back and Daniil and Alex were a few hundredths of a second off my times, which were altered slightly based on my body type, height, weight and physical fitness levels, I was asked to bulk up so I could match my weight to theirs. 

Except the plan didn't work. Instead of gaining weight, I was rapidly losing it. The diet I was on saw me eating two meals a day plus protein shakes and a small snack for breakfast. I was still growing, still developing. This diet, which worked fine for Daniil and Alex, who had already mostly stopped growing,  was actively stunting my own growth. And I found myself growing weaker, paler. Lighter.

To this day, I am still two and a half pounds lighter than I was when I entered the RBDA. 

The workouts that were supposed to help me built muscle mass pushed me farther than I could physically go, to the point where I once passed out in the locker room from exhaustion. I hadn't passed out for long, by then Pierre had come looking for me, but it was enough that I was starting to question what was happening to me. 

My migraines, which I've had since I was thirteen years old, got progressively worse, to the point where I needed to get a prescription sunglass to wear when my eyes needed to rest, when looking at sunlight hurt me too much. I believe that my pre-existing condition was aggravated due to stress as malnutrition, culminating in the Mexico City incident of 2019.

I hated the person that I was back then. When I looked in the mirror, I hated the person who was staring back at me. The person that Helmut Marko made me think was weak, and pathetic. The girl that he said should 'go back to Queensland and look pretty for some half-wit surfer boy'. The girl that he said didn't belong in the cockpit. I started having panic attacks at the idea of getting intimate with my partner at the time. Our relationship was already unsteady. He was older, I should have been wiser, but he is still one of my closest friends. One of the people I trust the most. Inevitably, our relationship broke down, and I was officially at my lowest. I didn;t think life could get any worse.

It took me a long time to recover, and deciding to change teams has brought it all back in full force. I like the person that I am now. She's healthy and she's strong and she's not afraid to raise hell from the pit wall. She can speak up for herself now, and that's exactly what I am going to do.

comments have been limited

pierregasly ❤️

liamlawson30 i'm so sorry that you were going through that and we didn't notice. you deserved better xx

daniilkvyat ❤️❤️❤️

yukitsunoda i love you ❤️

FIA announce private inquest into McManus case, Claire Williams to lead

F1: Dakota McManus makes official statement via Instagram following harrowing allegations of neglect out of Red Bull Driver's Academy.

(on screen interview with franz tost, team principal at alphatauri honda)

"i knew something was off with her from the start of that season. she had so much potential, and i could see it in the way that she drove, in the way that she applied herself in the garage. *laughs* she's like the granddaughter that i never had. but she wouldn't open up to anybody. the one person who could get through to her back then was daniil kvyat. even when she was in a good mood, even when she smiled and glowed and laughed, you could see the damage behind her eyes. and that's going to stay with her for a very long time."