hanahaki! au

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How long can you live without love? 

For Minji, the answer has always been "as long as you need to love her back."

She would wait for her forever if she had to. She would wait for you when you were in kindergarten together, when your parents would pick you up late.

She would wait for you when you're suddenly much older and going through your first heartbreak. She would wait for you when you were crying in her arms, wasting no time in wrapping you in a warm hug to comfort you.

She would wait no matter how long it took for you to realize she was always there for you, just like you had always been there for her.

You had always gone out of your way to make sure she knew you were there for her as well. That was one of the many reasons she's liked you for so long. Your caring nature, the way you check up on her, and how you can instantly tell when she's feeling off. You were there for her, and she wanted you to know she was there for you too, even if she was more subtle in showing her affection.

You knew her. You always saw her little acts of love; you noticed the effort she made to make sure you were okay; you knew all of that.

What you didn't realize, however, were her true feelings. Somehow, her ways of telling you, "Hey! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I want to be with you forever!" were always mistranslated as platonic in your mind.

After years of pining after your best friend, you decided it was time for you to finally move on. Minji never learned of your secret crush on her, and you were able to erase it from your mind as if it never happened.

It's not like you were giving up on her; you would never leave her even if the world was ending. But who better to hug as the earth is crumbling than the familiar arms of the person you've felt safe with a million times before. A friend.

Minji never got sick of being your friend, even if that's all she's ever been. But it was only for so long that her body could keep the same attitude.

She realized his silly childhood crush was growing into something more when she found herself in the school bathroom, hovering over the sink with her hands gripping either side. And a beautiful pool of ivory right in front of her. She stares at the flowers; the lingering scent reaches her nose, and she can feel her heart crack at what the sight implies.

"It's unrequited." It's unrequited. She thought to herself over and over again. She grabbed her chest in pain, leaning over the sink once more. She doesn't know if it was the physical pain, or her feelings that triggered this reaction. The next thing she sees is another petal she coughed up falling on top of the other flowers. She couldn't stop herself from sadly smiling. You would be her poetic end.

Still, when she went home that night, the only regret she had was that she could not wait for you long enough.

The next day, she continued to school, greeting you like she always does. She doesn't see you any differently. She doesn't know if he wishes she could.

"Are you okay?" You ask immediately after seeing her, "You look somewhat off."

Of course, you caught on.

"I'm fine! Just tired from all the homework we had yesterday." She dismissed your concern.

You chose to let her go without further questioning.

Bored throughout her classes without you, she tapped her pencil against the wooden desk, waiting for lunch. She finds it to be her favorite part of the day.

Eating is hard when it feels like something is stuck in your throat, waiting to spring from your insides. Just as she felt like throwing up the school lunch, you walked into the cafeteria. Maybe it was the way you smiled sweetly, waving at her, that made her change her plans to call for the nurse. She suddenly forgot about the burning ache in her stomach, begging for her to go home.

Your smile. It hit her that she was in too deep once she saw your smile. She promised herself that she would give you all the good things in the world just to see your smile, even if that meant giving everything else up.

She regrets that she couldn't share her greatest joy with you sooner. She regrets that she didn't tell you just how much she loved you. Now she knows it's too late for her. Even then, her greatest concern is if she loves you enough to leave you happy once she has to go.

The following days got harder and harder for her. She knew she was starting to cause suspicion amongst the teachers for constantly going to the restroom, but she didn't want to stay at home only to wallow in her pain. She'd rather spend her days seeing you and her friends.

"You look seriously sick; stop coming to school." You announce, "Take care of your health first. Please."

As hard as it was, she could never say no to you.

Why did she worry in the first place? She was resting peacefully in her bed, having skipped school. And you were next to her, making sure she was being taken care of.

You hold up the spoon, feeding her more soup that her mom prepared for her.

"Say ahhh."

She laughed at how you're treating her like a kid, but she does as you ask anyway.

"Why did you want to go to school so bad anyways, nerd?"

"Don't know. Didn't want to miss anything, you know?" She answers, leaving out the part that by "anything," she meant you.

She starts coughing again, and you pause, setting the bowl of soup on her bedside table.

"Are you okay? Do you need water?"

"No, I think I should go to the bathroom. Just in case I throw up."

You nod, giving her a look of understanding, "It's a good thing you didn't go to school today."

She gives you a soft smile of agreement before getting up and leaving for the bathroom.

Your heart hurts as you hear her in pain from her room, coughing and traversing through the walls to reach you. How could the universe put the loveliest person through all this? Of course, you were unaware that her current state was caused by you.

When her condition isn't getting any better, she finally convinces you to stop skipping school for her sake. You shouldn't be falling behind on your classes for her.

"How about this? You can go to school to get notes for both of us. Then we can work on our assignments together?" She suggested it in an attempt to compromise. Although you feel bad about having to leave her for the eight hours of school, you hesitantly agree.

The next day, it rains. Minji probably would've come prepared with an umbrella, ready to share it with you. But she wasn't here; she was at home, still suffering from God knows what illness.

You sigh, looking out the classroom window. Thoughts of Minji don't seem to leave you alone. Why did you agree? Why did you choose to leave her alone?

You're snapped out of your thoughts when the teacher lightly taps on your desk, "Is everything okay, honey?"

"Ah, yes. Sorry ma'am."

"It's okay, I understand," she says softly before sitting down on the now empty chair next to you, where Jungwon used to sit, "You're thinking of Minji, aren't you?"

You nod, "I'm concerned for her health. It's been going on for a while, and she shows no sign of recovering. Is she okay?"

Your teacher hesitates for a second, opening and closing her mouth as if debating whether she should share what she was about to say with you.

"Listen, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell you this, but..." she says, pressing her lips in a thin line before continuing, "Her mother talked to me earlier. She informed me that she may not be coming back at all."

You waste no more time at school.

Bursting through her door as soon as her mom opens it, you walk straight to her bedroom, only to be met with a locked door.

"Minji?!" You yell, banging at her door, "Why didn't you tell me it was this bad!"

Faint sounds of coughing can be heard from the other side, and your heart breaks even more. She's been holding all of her suffering in for so long. Your grip on the doorknob softens as you lean your forehead against the door.

"Minji, please let me in."

You feel the doorknob twist under your fingers, and you back up from the door. When she finally opens the door, you're met with your best friend in the worst state you've ever seen her in.

"God, what happened to you?"

She laughs at your comment, and you almost smack her for being able to find humor in such a situation.

"Thank you for worrying about me, but it's okay." She can barely finish her sentence before coughing again, "I'm okay." She breathes out.

"Okay, well, clearly that's a lie. And this isn't just about you anymore. Our teacher said you're not coming back anymore? What am I supposed to do without my best friend?"

"I'm sorry."

"Are you stupid? Don't be sorry, gosh, everyone else should be sorry!"

She laughs again. "What do they have to say sorry for?"

"I don't know, are you still living? For not pausing for you! Everyone should just stop and wait for you to get better. Time should stop until you get better!" You spew nonsense requests that you know are impossible in your state of nervousness. "Anything, really.. I just want you to be better."

With your speaking slowing down by the end of your rant, Minji could feel how hurt you are. She pulls you into her arms, giving you the warmest hug you've ever received, despite the fact that you couldn't return any of that warmth. She was met with the coldness that the rain had granted you.

"I'm sorry I can't help you, Minji. I wish I could." You say it sincerely, to which she doesn't respond.

She doesn't know how to tell you the truth. So she kept her mouth shut, settling for hugging you tighter.

You decided that this sickness wouldn't take your best friend away from you. That's why you're now headed to his house at 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday with a backpack full of medicine and useless junk and plans to stay over.

"Why'd you bring a backpack? Isn't it Saturday?"

"Mhm," you set your backpack down, excitedly pulling out unhealthy snacks and random toys you brought, "let's just be 5 again."

You look up at her with hopeful eyes. The same bright eyes she's adored for years now.

"Okay! What do you have planned?" She asks, sitting behind you.

The two of you struggled a little more to build a pillow fort than you'd like to admit, but once it was done, you were convinced you'd created a masterpiece. Labeling it your "castle," you proudly entered it, settling next to Minji.

She starts coughing again, bringing you out of your five-year-old fantasies as you quickly grow concerned.

"I wish we really could become five again." She bitterly comments.

This time, when she's about to throw up, she feels too weak to make an effort to get up.

"Minji! You're about to throw up. Do you need help going to the bathroom?"

She hesitates slightly before nodding.

"Actually. Can you wait for me back at our pillow fort? I have something to show you."

"Of course." You reply before letting go of her hands once she's reached the bathroom.

Once you're alone in Minji's living room, your thoughts are allowed a moment to wander. What illness was it that Minji had in the first place? You can't recall her ever mentioning it to you. Was this really how the two of you were separated after being together for so long?

You bury your face in your hands, no longer able to contain the helpless sobs that come out.

Minji approached you with a beautifully arranged bouquet and a confession, and she couldn't help but feel responsible for the scene in front of her.

"Hey," she tries saying. Her voice barely escaped her throat but reached you anyway. You look up with your tear-struck face to show her she has all your attention, "I have something for you."

She pushes her hands out to you, the petals of the bouquet lightly touching your shirt.

"Oh? Thank you." You politely hold her gift. "Why?"

"You know, this all feels very wrong to me. I didn't think my life would end like this."

You scolded her this time: "Don't say that! You'll beat whatever it is that's keeping you tied to this house."

"I'm dying because I love you." You stare at her speechlessly, with only questions running through your head: "I have hanahaki. I'm sorry." And you swear you're about to beat this poor girl up.

"What do you mean you're sorry? This is a joke, right? Stop it, Minji! Stop!"

"I don't think I can stop loving you."

"Then stop dying! What the hell, Minji? I've been cursing the universe for bringing you so much suffering, but it's me who's been making you feel bad this whole time?" You ramble, confessing whatever comes to mind.

She gently holds one of your arms, helping you calm down. "Please never think about it like that. You're not the one who made me feel bad, and you never were. If anything, you were the one who brought everything good into my life. That's why I fell in love with you. That's why I wanted to give you everything good in return." She pauses, looking at your worried face. "It's like you gave me a reason to breathe without the means to."

And with that, you burst into tears once more. And Minji holds you gently in her arms once more.

"Don't you think this is too cruel? I could've loved you, Minji, I really could've. Can you just give me some time to fall for you?"

You wish you had more time to love her. To love her the way you did in the past. But time was ephemeral, quietly slipping through your fingers before you even knew it, and suddenly it was gone.

You stayed in her arms that night.

When the darkness takes over your features and she can only see the sparkles in your eyes formed by your tears, she can only hear your voice in a whisper. Calling out to her like you couldn't breathe without her when it was, in fact, the other way around.

The guilt is overflowing from every atom in your body as your eyes burn from the emotions.

"I forgive you." She says this even though she'd already forgiven you back when the petals first started terrorizing her throat.

You give her a broken smile that she can't see but feels anyway. And she knows when you say, "You know me so well." You truly mean, "You've loved me so well."

She thinks it's fitting that you look beautiful even in this moment. You think it's unfair how beautiful she looks, even in her pitiful state.

You think it's unfair that you have to say goodbye so soon.

You think it's unfair that she wasn't given the chance to wait for you this time.