The saddest thing is when you look around and realize you have no shoulder to lean on.

That's how I remember feeling a lot when I was a little girl. But, even if I didn't have my parents or wasn't close with anyone at my school, I always had Fezco.

He started off my best friend when he was 13 and I was 11. It seemed like a big age difference at the time, but looking back on it, it fit us.

I would sneak by his house without anyone knowing so we could hang out. I didn't want my parents knowing I was hanging out with anyone like him. They would just take my phone away or do something stupid as a punishment.

So, every night after dinner when I said I was going to my girl friend's house, I'd ride my bike past the security and all the way to Fez's. We would hang out, and I'd leave most nights around eight before my parents went to bed.

He was my first crush. I never knew if he felt the same way or not, but I knew it'd never work out. He was my boy friend. You know, two words. Space between a boy and a friend. It was weird, though. I had a type, and Fez fit it. My type was built around him.

When asked, I would say I liked jocks. Tall guys. Guys with money who would take care of me. In actuality, that was the opposite of what I really wanted. I wanted something that was real.

I like guys with tattoos. Guys who wore rings and smoked cigarettes, vaped or even just fucked with a lot of weed. I like guys who act tough and have a soft spot just for me and only me.

I love Fezco. And sometimes, your heart just needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. And I know that I love him. Always have, always will. But, what I don't know is why I kissed Jayson at Daniel's party.

I never loved Jason, I just didn't want to be alone. I wanted to please my parents. I wanted to please my school. I didn't want to be the only girl without a boyfriend, and I was too dumb to realize what was right in front of me.

I know what hurts the most is when the person who made you feel the best today makes you feel like shit tomorrow. I know I made Fezco feel that way, and no matter how hard I try, I don't know if he will ever forgive me for kissing Jayson.

I've always hated people to see me cry because I wanted to be strong. But, at the same time, I hated how no one realized how broken I am. Fezco did. Fezco was that relief I had from everyone else and all of the bullshit.

I know our relationship wasn't perfect. But right now, I would do anything to get it back.

Because, as of now, it's over. That's the end.