our life.

what the fuck?

"quiet friend, who has come so far, feel how your breathing makes more space around you. let this darkness be a bell tower and you the bell. as you ring, what batters you becomes your strength. move back and forth into the change. what is it like, such intensity of pain? if the drink is bitter, turn yourself into wine. in this uncontainable night, be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses. the meaning discovered there. and if the world has ceased to hear you, say to the silent earth: i flow. to the rushing water, speak: i am." lexi recited.

the play started off with one of the main characters, jade, after her dad died. olivia noticed that the set looked almost exactly like rue's bedroom, and judging by the look on rue's face, she had heard the poem lexi recited before.

olivia grabbed rue's hand to try and comfort her. rue looked down and smiled, but then turned her head to look at jules. liv saw this, and she picked up her hand away from rue, crossed one leg over the other, and continued watching the play.

i knew jade had been doing drugs, but it wasn't until that day, at her dad's memorial, that i realized they were a greater comfort than i ever could be.

olivia liked how lexi narrated the play, almost as if she was narrating the character's lives. it was a new perspective on things and helped her keep up with what was happening.

maybe that's a silly observation, but i was only 13. it was the summer before i started ninth grade...back when we thought we'd all be friends forever.

you could barely see the stage crew working in the back to keep things in place and switch the set around. it had been set up like school picture day in grade school.

there were six of us.

there was me, grace.

my sister, hallie.

her best friend, marta.

marta's best friend, luna.

my best friend, jade.

and the queen b of it all, olive.

olivia's jaw dropped at the dollar store version of her sitting there on stage. her and rue made eye contact, both of them visibly surprised.

"this bitch wrote a fucking play about us." liv said.

and this is life. not everyone's life...

"but our life!" lexi smiled into the big letter "o" one of the stage crew members were holding up on stage.

no one applauded or did anything at first. then, a few people clapped their hands quietly. the girl holding up the letter "r" dropped it, but you couldn't tell if it was on purpose or not.

"oh, that's fucking cool." jayson yelled, making a few people laugh. olivia sunk into her chair. lexi hurried off stage, and they started off for the next scene.

it was in what looked like lexi and cassie's bedroom, lexi standing center stage.

"okay, this might kinda be a weird and embrassing thing to admit, but i think the most defining moment of my adolescence was when my sister went through puberty." she said.

hallie came floating down on the stage, attached to wires and angel wings with the cue of a drum roll.

"ugh, i look disgusting." hallie groaned, sitting down. a few people laughed.

"hey, hallie. i'm in the middle of something." lexi said, looking awkward.

"it's just this dress is so not flattering." hallie shook her head. she stood off of the seat, the angel wings being left behind.

"hallie, i'm kinda puttin' on a play right now." lexi said awkwardly again.

"what?" hallie asked.

olivia looked over at cassie. she looked confused and a little embarrassed.

"like, there's an entire audience waiting for me to continue talking."

"where?" hallie went on.

"right here." lexi waved toward the audience.

"oh. hi. wow." hallie chuckled.

olivia didn't know if she liked hallie's representation of cassie or not. because, hallie was stupid. it's not that cassie's stupid, she just makes stupid decisions because she can't say no to any form of male validation.

"whatever. the point is, i couldn't wait to go through puberty." lexi said.

she stood off to the side of the stage, and a new character came in.

suze?

"wow, wow, wow! look at you!" the mom said on stage, a bottle of wine in her hand. suze, from the audience, screamed, smiled and applauded enthusiastically. olivia threw her head back and laughed, which made rue smile.

"i feel like a big baby." hallie sighed.

"hallie..i've been on this planet for 38 goddamn years, and i have never seen a baby with knockers like yours." the mom said, pointing in hallie's face.

"mom, that was the grossest thing i've ever heard you say." hallie cringed.

"okay." the mom laughed.

look, i know being informed, smart, hardworking, and curious are all very important qualities. but imagine having all of those qualities and also being hot.

so, if hallie was 433 days older than me, than all i would have to do is wait...433 days and i'd look just like her.

the lights turned off, and more people applauded this time around. nate whispered something to cassie, kat whispered something to maddy, and rue whispered something to olivia.

when the lights came back on, olive and lexi were walking on stage, their arms intertwined. the thing that caught olivia's attention was the fact that lexi was wearing the same dress olivia wore the first week of school.

"i could see myself now, just like olive. and if not, i'd be higher up in her hierarchy. the girl no one ever could get." lexi smiled. as she continued to walk, she let go of olive's arm and walked ahead of her.

lexi smiled at kids who walked by and showed off for them, olive standing in the background with her arms folded, looking miserable.

"and i'd imagine my former classmates, sitting around at barbecues in their dirty, dirty backyards 20 years from now." lex continued, starting to walk more offstage. two boys sitting in lawn chairs appeared, leaning back.

"man..screw olive johnson. i really wished i'd boned lexi howard." one of the guys said. the other nodded.

"yeah. you and the rest of east highland." he agreed.

"all i had to do was wait." lex finished.

olivia sat back in her chair, exchanging annoyed looks with maddy from across the auditorium. is this how lexi wanted things to be? how she thought they should be?

you could tell olivia was pissed. first, it was the fezco shit. now, lexi was trying to out do her.

rue put her hand on top of olivia's to settle her down.

"relax. it's just a play." she whispered when they audience started clapping. olivia nodded.

"i know."

three girls ran across the stage holding up signs that said "433 days later". it was a new scene, lexi and hallie in their shared bathroom talking about their bodies.

"to be honest, i'm not really the kind of person who wants to be known for their body." lexi said, shutting hallie up. she walked out from behind the mirror and faced the audience.

but i also didn't want the troubles that came along with it.

it cut to hallie on her bed, talking to someone on the phone in distress.

"i wasn't even looking at him, i swear. you're the only person i've ever dreamed of." hallie said.

it reminded olivia of cassie and nate. the way cassie tried so hard to please him and dress like maddy was just so noticeable.

i feel like i've lived most of my life in my imagination.

hallie and jake kissed on stage.

taking the smallest moments and dreaming them up into something bigger. a little exchange and i fall in love. a moment to myself and i'm on stage.

but reality always finds a way of pulling me back.

the play went on with a scene that talked about hallie and lexi's dad, and then about lexi and jade's friendship. jade's character quoted rue's dad. again, olivia have rue's hand a squeeze.

jade is the first person who made me feel okay about not being cool.

i just feel like in 10 years, technology's gonna get really scary and we're all gonna wish we'd never used it.

"what are you talking about?" marta asked, a magazine in her hand as her, olive, luna and hallie sat in hallie and lexi's bedroom.

"well, all these tech companies are simultaneously developing artificial intelligence and robotics, so it's only a matter of time before they become the new military-industrial complex and start making killer robots." lex sighed.

"i think there's a big difference between taking selfie's and killer robots." luna said.

"yeah, maybe now, but that gap will close." lexi defended, slamming her book shut.

"girl, you need to take a nap." olive rolled her eyes.

but, anyway, back to where i was. we talked and laughed for hours that night. i miss those days. it was before my dad left and jade's dad died. before jade got into heavy drugs, before she became so close with olive, and before i got inside my head. it was before we grew apart, and before i started doubting myself everytime someone would ask me if jade was my best friend.

again, olivia saw rue look at jules. for the second time, she picked up her hand from rue and got more comfortable in her seat.

let this darkness be a bell tower, and you the bell.

the scenes switched from jade at her dads memorial to lexi and her family dancing with her dad in their living room.

olivia felt selfish for tearing up, so she didn't let herself cry. she just understood the pain they were feeling of having absent parents in their lives, that figure missing and not being apart of you anymore.

olivia looked at maddy and suze, who were both crying.

i sometimes think about how my sister and i so many of the same wishes growing up and how different we became.

again, hallie and jake appeared on stage and started kissing each other. it switched out from the two of them to jake and marta.

at that age, we all thought we knew what love looked like. and we had our suspicions of what it felt like. but that's also what made it so intoxicating; none of us had any idea what it actually was.

"i don't think there's anything more beautiful than dedicating your life to loving someone." hallie told jake.

"i think that's my biggest dream. to be your girl. to love you more than anything. you could never scare me." she continued.  

after that, the scene was lexi, jade and the high school kids' drug dealer smoking weed. it was lexi's first time.

my whole life, i've always had this feeling that at any moment, something horrible was about to happen.

olivia looked at fezco's seat, and saw he still wasn't there. she figured he was still trying to figure out how to tie the tie or something stupid.

i think jade used drugs to push away all the bad thoughts. but it did the opposite for me. all i could think about were the bad thoughts.

just then, olivia got a text. she checked her phone, and saw that it was fezco letting her know he was on his way.

she smiled.

the things that could go wrong, the people i could loose, and the million and one reasons why i'm not good enough.

with a snap of lexi's fingers, the lights on stage went out.

but not for very long.

when hallie and marta entered ninth grade, they became inseparable. olive used to be apart of their duo, but she was busier than the two of them.

a group of east highland cheerleaders sat down in center stage, making a triangle shape. olive was sitting at the top. they danced and did a version of a routine liv had created freshman year.

olive was captain and assistant coach. your typical high school cliche. she was perfect.

and also hiding a secret.

a man came from behind the pyramid and pulled olive down. she kissed him in the back as the rest of the girls went on with the routine.

she was seeing someone who would ruin her entire reputation she's worked for. and, slowly, he brought her down. down so far she started doing drugs.

olivia sat there in her seat, tears welding up in her eyes. things weren't that black and white, and lexi knew that.

on stage, the cheerleaders moved to the side and made way for a makeup table that was on the right side of the stage. olive sat there, looking through the mirror and touching up her makeup.

but she was still so lovable. she was still everyone's favorite, and everything i wanted to be; beautiful, confident, outgoing, smart. everything anyone wanted to be, even under all the brokenness and baggage.

and even after she overdosed.

olivia's mouth slightly dropped open, and she could feel everyone in the auditorium staring at her. she turned to rue, ignoring them.

"how the fuck does she know about that? i told you and fezco to keep it a secret." liv whispered. rue shrugged.

"i have no idea." she said.

liv scoffed and sat back in her chair, shaking her head.

olive on stage stopped doing her makeup and joined the girls in the center of the pyramid. there, she stood in between marta and hallie as they had a three-way make out.

she reminded me of marta, because marta made me almost as nervous when i first met her. i have never seen anyone as sure of themselves as her and olive. because of that, i didn't really trust them.

the three girls in the middle stopped rubbing their tongues in each others faces. everyone applauded besides maddy, liv and cassie, who looked miserable.

until marta's parents started fighting all the time and she basically moved in with us for a few months.

things changed to be in lexi's room where marta was doing her makeup. her mom came in to say goodnight, and olivia could hear suze saying that was supposed to be her from across the auditorium.

hallie had invited marta to sleep in her bed. they had a talk about their parents fighting and what they were going through. you could hear marta crying as hallie talked.

liv and maddy watched cassie get up and leave the auditorium. they exchanged eye contact, and liv mouthed "are you okay?" to maddy. she put her lips into a thin line and nodded.

there was jake and marta, and there was olive and justin. both relationships were our first impressions of love.

on each side of the stage, both couples stood hand in hand.

"i'm so happy with you." olive said to justin.

"sometimes i feel like you're all i have." justin responded.

"no ones ever loved me as much as you." marta told jake.

"no one ever will." he said.

simultaneously, each pair kissed each other. olivia could feel jayson look at her, and she looked at him.

but every relationship has its cracks, some bigger than others.

when the lights came back up again, jake and marta stood in the front of the stage with a bunch of guys in the background working out.

"all right babe. time for me and the boys to work out." jake said. a few people in the audience laughed at how the guys were working out. they grinded on each other, making a bunch of faces.

rue and olivia exchanged glances. they both knew exactly where this was going.

"you guys are so gay." marta said. all the guys in the gym stopped and gave her dirty looks .

"babe, that's not funny." jake replied.

after a long pause, jake continued.

"all right, come on. get out of here. run along, babe." he said, slapping marta's ass as she walked away.

the guys started working out and saying really steryotypical shit. then, out of nowhere, "holding out for a hero" started playing. they started complimenting each other's bodies and grinding on each other even more.

rue and liv had wide eyes and started bobbing their heads to the music, olivia laughing.

to say ethan was putting on a performance was an...understatement.

the crowd cheered at the dance moves they did. the light work with the dancing turned out really good, and even though olivia was pissed off at lexi, she did put on a good fucking show.

liv lost it when the guys started slapping each other's asses.

once she controlled her laughter, olivia looked over at nate and saw his leg shaking from being so upset by what was happening.

right then, at that moment, liv knew what he was feeling. she just had a couple of huge secrets exposed to the entire school, and in a way, so did he.

when nate looked at liv because he felt her eye contact, his leg stopped shaking and he seemed to calm down a bit. liv looked away, and saw the guys on stage moaning. rue cheered next to her, and nate got up and left. him and olivia continued to make eye contact as he walked out, cassie following him.

when olivia looked forward again, people still cheered. rue did, too, and olivia had decided to just join in.