the song for this chapter is "War of Hearts," by Ruelle :)

***********

I can't help but love you
Even though I try not to
I can't help but want you
I know that I'd die without you

***********

Harry

Abel and Niall sat with me in the car while Tate and Will ran up to our hotel room to get our things and pay for our stay. I could tell they were trying to avoid talking about any wounds I had, but I didn't care. Normally, I would try and act tough, but I couldn't even lie to myself...I felt like shit.

I don't think that anything was broken, but you don't have to break physically to break emotionally...and emotionally...I was exhausted.

Part of it was due to the pain I felt from being roughed up by those three fuckers, who I gathered had a collective two brain cells. But the other part of it was the turmoil going on inside my head as I thought about the thing that had been playing in my head on repeat...

Love.

The last person I think I ever truly loved was my mother. As cliche as it sounds, I had spent the last few years protecting myself from the death sentence that was love, disguised with rose petals and chocolate, but to me, it was really just something that was waiting to suck you in, just so that it could tear you apart.

There is a monumental difference between physical pain and emotional pain.

With physical pain, you have a time frame in which you usually heal, and if not that, you have medications, and treatments, doctors whose sole purpose is to repair any damage within your body.

But with emotional pain?

There is no time frame, no pill you can take, no medical advice that anyone can give...you just have to sit there and take every last painful tear and pit in your stomach, breaking you to the point that you truly wonder if you will ever recover from it.

Especially in this line of work, having little to no attachments was a key factor in your success. And a few months ago, I had no attachments. I had nothing and no one to come home to...I was at the top of my game.

But now...

Not a moment went by when I wasn't thinking about Tate. When I wasn't concerned with her safety, or how beautiful her laugh sounded when she was happy. How her lips involuntarily spread into a smile when she was reading a good book, or how her eyebrows contorted into a sad expression when she saw that someone else was in pain.

There was no free time within the confines of my mind now, every second, every breath... was completely and utterly consumed with her.

I had some of the best sleep of my life when she was in the bed next to me, the only times I was not able to sleep is because I didn't want to shut my eyes, I didn't want to fall into some dream, why would I? I had the best dream in the world right against my chest.

These thoughts battling in my head stuck with me throughout the entire drive back to the safe house, and Tate kept staring at me, and I guess it made sense, seeing as I had been the one to stare first.

It's like I was trying to read those big hazel eyes of her, trying to trace the patterns within her irises, hoping to find an answer somewhere in between the streaks of brown and green blinking back at me.

"What are you staring at?" She asked suddenly, her lips quirking into a grin.

I smiled softly as I scanned her face, each drop of blood that tainted her skin a screaming reminder that everything that she did today, she did for me...because she cared about me.

I remember the first night that we kissed, and how we held each other in my bed that night, the feeling of holding someone while I slept being so foreign, but so wonderful. I remember thinking about how laying with her was equivalent to playing with fire, the cautious side of me ready with a bucket of water to douse the flames, and the arsonist in me with a can of gasoline, eager and curious to see what might happen if I just sprinkled a few drops of the flammable liquid onto the already roaring fire.

I vividly remember thinking how if I stayed next to her any longer, next to her warm skin, that seemed to be shooting embers off of it every time my skin touched hers, that I would surely burn.

And right now? I was in flames.

I cleared my throat and made eye contact with her, feeling the warmth of her leg pressed firmly against mine, even though she had plenty of room in the spacious backseat to spread out if she had wanted to.

"I just...thank you, for everything," I whispered, the words that came out of my mouth being the only ones I was able to pull out from the chaos going on in my head. But I did mean them, one hundred and ten percent.

She reached a hand and over to place it on my thigh, and that small gesture alone was enough to melt me.

I was already in far deeper than I ever should have been with the girl sitting next to me. I shouldn't feel the way that I do about her, it was dangerous for both of us, lethal, even.

When we finally arrived at the safe house, the same one that I had just taught Tate to use the weapons she so skillfully used today, Will and Niall helped me out of the car, while Tate and Abel grabbed our things from the trunk.

I was given the final say on if we should leave Spain now, or stay the night. I decided to stay one more night because I don't think I was very fit to travel right now.

We had picked up some takeout food on the way home, although I barely even noticed we had stopped to do so until the scent of the food floated through the car, trying to tug my senses towards anything other than Tate, but failing to do so.

We ate, and I think we talked, everything was a bit of a blur...everything except Tate of course. Every word and every blink of her eye, every curve of her lips as she spoke or smiled, every part of her was as clear as day.

My subconscious managed to contribute to the conversation whenever necessary, although I don't think anyone really expected me to say much anyway...they were all unanimously aware that I had quite a day today, and no one pushed or prodded even an ounce.

I set down my fork when I was finished eating whatever the delicious meal Abel had ordered for us was. It was a mess of things that worked together in the most amazing way, and I think that food tasted better after you had been tortured all evening.

"I think I'm going to shower and get in bed," I announced, my sudden and unprompted words causing everyone to snap their heads towards me in surprise.

"Sounds good bud, do whatever you need. Our flight is at eleven tomorrow morning, so I'll make sure you two are up in time to get everything together," Will nodded, and for a brief moment, my mind was able to focus not only on Tate but every other person sitting at this table. Every other person who jumped on a plane the second that they heard I was in trouble. Not because they had to, not because they were being paid to, but solely because they wanted to, and because they cared about me.

     Tate stood up and before I could stop her, grabbed my empty take-out box along with hers, and took it over to the trash can.

   While she was far enough that she couldn't hear, Nial leaned forward, a cheeky grin on his face as he whispered.

   "You do realize that you have the coolest girlfriend in the world, right?" He smiled.

 I couldn't help but return his grin, opening my mouth to whisper back to him.

   "Yes, I do."

   As if on cue, Tate strode back over to the table, smiling softly down at me, reaching out her hand for me to take.

    I placed my hand eagerly in hers, and pushed myself to my feet, still sore, but feeling a bit better after taking the aspirins Abel had shoved in front of me the second I sat down.

   "Night lovebirds!" Niall called out in a sing-song voice.

 Tate and I chuckled as we walked away from the table.

  "Goodnight boys! See you tomorrow!" Tate called back.

Tate made sure that she was ready to support me if I needed it on the way upstairs, and she rushed into the bathroom to turn the shower on for me, not stopping there, as soon after, she went to my bag and pulled out a pair of briefs and sweatpants for me, and I saw that the first aid kit was already placed on the bed.

   I didn't need stitches, I knew that. My wounds were a few small cuts and I knew that I would have a lot of bruises, but nothing compared to the gash that Tate got when she was taken.

    When the water was warm and ready, Tate walked over to me and grabbed my hand, leading me into the bathroom with her and shutting the door, locking it, and facing me again.

   She looked up at me with glossy eyes and a soft smile, and as she blinked, her eyelashes became darker as some of the tears grabbed onto them.

   "Hi," she spoke quietly, even though we were the only two in the room, there still seemed to be some sort of hallowedness to the moment.

    I reached my hands forward, grimacing as I saw my bloodied and raw wrists, already dreading how it would feel to put them under the warm water, and cupped her face, rubbing her cheeks gently with the pads of my thumbs.

  "Hi baby," I laughed.

  She reached her small hands up and placed them over my own, closing her eyes for a moment and sighing contentedly as my fingers glided over her cheeks. 

   She pulled my hands down and began to get undressed, and as I saw her beautiful body being revealed, I was filled with desire, but not in the way one would assume.

     I desired her not only physically, but emotionally. I wanted to be the one to memorize every single dip and curve in her body, to be the one who could point out each and every freckle on her skin. I wanted to be the one who knew the story behind each scar, the one who knew her favorite way to have her back rubbed. I wanted to know all of her, and her all of me. 

     I stripped my own clothes, looking at our once clean and new outfits now tainted with blood on the bathroom floor.

   I smirked a little as I looked down at them.

   "Do you think the store will take those back?" I joked.

 Tate laughed and tapped her lips with her index finger, acting like she was seriously debating it.

  "Hmm, I'm not sure, I think they have a strict no blood policy," she sighed.

 I tsked and smiled up at her, grabbing her hand and walking her over to the shower.

    The second we got in, I winced in pain as the hot water scalded the raw skin of my wrists and the cuts on my face and body. 

  Tate instantly noticed, and she reached down and grabbed both of my wrists gently, bringing them up to her lips and pressing a soft kiss to each one. 

    The water poured over us and sent the streaks of blood trickling down our skin, and into the shower drain.

   It was as though we were metaphorically washing the events that tonight held off of our skin, trying to get rid of every bad thought, every horrid moment, with a little bit of soap and water. 

  Tate wrapped her arms around my body and pressed her chest against my own, leaning her forehead down against me.

   I instantly returned the action, letting out a sigh of relief as I held my girl in my arms.

    "I was so scared that I lost you today," she mumbled against me, and although the water was warm, the breath that left her lips hit my skin and singed my soul, but despite the burn, I don't think I could ever bring myself to pull away from her fire. 

   "You'll never lose me, I won't let you," I smiled, leaning down to press a kiss to her dampening hair.

   She tilted her head up to look at me, and I could easily distinguish what was water from the shower, and what were tears forming in her eyes.

   "I should have known it was a set-up. I should have known that you would never do something like that. I'm such an idiot. If I had just stayed a minute longer...if I had just-" 

   I cut her off and shushed her, lightly hooking my finger under her chin.

 "You listen to me. None of what happened today is your fault. Honestly, I don't know how I would have reacted if it had been the other way around. And you did come for me, you saved me, and you are the most badass woman I have ever met in my life. You have saved me in more ways than you know," I spoke, my voice getting quieter as the last few words left my mouth.

    We finished our shower and got into some sweats, brushed out teeth, bandaged my wounds, and crawled into bed. 

    With the faint light of the moon, I was still able to make out every beautiful feature of Tate's face, although I think I could trace her features by heart even if not a speck of light was in the room. 

     My heart ached to say words that my mind was terrified to speak into existence. Scared to admit to wanting to have something in fear of losing it. 

    Tate noticed something was off, even though I wasn't saying a word.

 "What's on your mind?" She asked quietly, nuzzling closer into my chest.

    You.

 "A lot of things," I laughed, a bittersweet tone to it. 

      I saw her raise an eyebrow at me, and she reached her hand forward and lightly skimmed my bottom lip with her thumb, and I watched as she frowned.

   "Your lips are so chapped. I'm going to go grab my chapstick," she announced firmly, and although I tried to keep her body pressed against mine, she managed to wriggle out of my grip, skipping over to the bathroom and flicking the light on.

   I rolled over to face the bathroom door, scanning her body up and down and involuntarily smiling as I did so.

    She was in a pair of my sweatpants, the waistband rolled a couple of times so that they didn't trip on the long legs of them. She had on a fitted long sleeve t-shirt, with a waffle-like texture. Her hair was pulled into a loose french braid, with a few pieces of it escaping and framing her face beautifully. 

     I watched as she rummaged through her bag, looking for her chapstick, and before I knew it, I was standing and walking over to her.

     She furrowed her brows as she saw me approaching. "Harry, I was coming right back, you didn't need to get up," she smiled. 

    "I know, I just..." I trailed off, feeling my heart pounding inside my chest, screaming and demanding that it be able to speak its mind. 

    Her smile fell a bit and she looked at me cautiously.

  "You just what, Harry?" She whispered.

  My mind was holding up flashing signs, telling me not to do this, telling me to protect myself from the pain I knew all too well after what happened six years ago, but my heart was cheering me on, telling me that I would never feel truly happy unless I let myself fall. 

   I couldn't reply, and for a moment, I didn't have to, as Tate's delicate finger came up to my lips and rubbed some chapstick against them, and then onto her own.

  She placed it back in her back and zipped it shut, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning her hip against the counter, looking up at me expectantly.

  "Harry, what's wrong? Are you in pain? I can run downstairs and grab some more aspirin for you," she offered, trying so hard to figure me out through my silence.

    I was in pain, but not the kind that could be fixed by an aspirin or two. 

 "I'm terrified," I suddenly spoke out, and Tate only looked more lost.

   "Terrified of what?" She asked, not following at all where I was going.

   I stared right into those gorgeous eyes of hers and continued to speak what my heart had been yearning to say.

  "You."

   She widened her eyes and laughed cautiously. "Me? Why are you scared of me?"

  "Because you make me feel safe," I sighed.

  "Harry, I'm not following, why does that scare you?" she asked.

 I reached a hand up to rub the back of my neck, trying to ease the tension in my neck as well as my heart as best as I could.

   "Because no one has made me feel safe in six years, no one has made me feel happy like you do in so long. I haven't wanted anything for six years, nothing except justice for my mother, I've never wanted anything for myself, and then I met you, and I've never wanted anything or anyone so badly in my life," I sputtered out, feeling so anxious as I spoke the words that I'd thought but never said.

     My one driving motivation in life ever since my mother had been killed had been to find the man who killed her and drive the knife that he left in my home into his heart. To steal his life away from him just as he had stolen my mother from me. 

   That goal, that knife, had been the only thing keeping me going since I was fourteen years old. The only thing that I clung to. But right here, and right now, I knew one thing for sure, one thing that shook me to my very core...

    That the emotions that she made me feel cut deeper than the knife I had carried with me for the last six years ever could. 

    "What are you saying, Harry?" She asked, her voice wavering.

  I paused and stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality, was only a second or two. A second or two that I decided to throw any of the defense mechanisms that I had put in place to protect myself out the window, and leaving me completely exposed and vulnerable.

     "I'm saying that you are the reason that I have something to live for other than the revenge I've been after all of these years. I'm saying that you are the thing that makes me wake up in the morning now. I'm saying that for the first time, in so long, I have someone that I want to protect, someone that I want to hold, someone that I want to..." I trailed off.

  She took a step closer towards me, and I could practically hear both of our hearts drumming out against the walls.

   "To what?" She urged.

  "To love. Tate, I love you. I am in love with you, and I don't know if you feel the same way, but I can't hide it anymore. I am so deeply and entirely in love with you, I don't even know how to function-" I was babbling like an idiot, feeling so relieved yet so scared at the same time, but Tate's lips simply spread into a grin, and she cut me off by lightly grabbing my face and pressing my lips against hers.

     Every doubt and every fear dissipated the moment her lips touched mine, I let myself melt into the fire being ignited within our kiss, I let myself pour the gasoline onto the open flames. I didn't care if I burned, I didn't care if the smoke we created utterly consumed and destroyed me. I would rather be burned by her a thousand times than not love her.     

    She smiled against my lips and then pulled back, still holding my face as she stared up at me in adoration.

   "I love you, Harry," she spoke. 

 I didn't know it was possible for your heart to feel so elated. To genuinely feel as though you might burst from happiness. And most of all...

    I didn't know it was possible for someone to ever love me.

 I felt tears beginning to prick at my eyes, my hands reaching up to touch hers.

  "You do?" I asked, not able to comprehend that she had even said that.

 She nodded, still smiling. "I love you so much, Harry. I know this is terrifying, I'm scared too. But I don't care. I'd rather love and face the risks than not love at all," she replied, her voice solid and strong. 

   I pulled her back into me and resumed the deep and passionate kiss we had been indulging in moments before. Kissing her felt different now. Kissing her felt like saying I love you without having to actually speak. And I proclaimed my adoration for her with each touch of my lips to hers. 

    I laced my fingers into her hair, pulling her already loose braid even more awry, with the pure desire to be as close to her as possible. 

   I felt all of the walls I had built up for myself diminishing into nothing but pathetic ruins, and I was finally able to see the beauty in the world again because she was the beauty in the world.

   I finally had something that I never knew I needed until her...

 To be loved, and to be in love. 

AN: yeah so I'm crying. I love them so much, and they love each other hehe. I hope you loved this chapter as much as I do, please don't forget to vote and comment and share! and don't worry, smut is on the way hehe. Ily all so much! xx also fun fact, I planned most of the story around the line, "That the emotions that she made me feel cut deeper than the knife I had carried with me for the last six years ever could." and I am so happy that I finally got to put it in this chapter, I also always planned to use this song with the chapter hehe :)