A/N: ya'll are mad quiet on this fic, huh

TRIGGER WARNING. I CANNOT STATE THIS ENOUGH. GIANT TW.

- self harm. it is the main theme for this chapter. do not read if you are triggered by self harm.- panic attacks(?)- also trigger warning for hospitals

once you've chosen to read this, i don't take responsability for any triggers. please stay safe and only consume content you're sure you can take.

A/N 2: I SOMEHOW FORGOT TO POST THIS ON WATTPAD???? OMFG IM SORRY NEXT CHAPTER COMING LATER TODAY AFTER EDITING LOVE YALL MUAH

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Tsukasa, you idiot, you idiot-

He rushed into his room, slamming the door shut as fast as he could. He didn't even know if Saki was home. What he did know was that the pressure in his chest kept growing more and more suffocating by the second.

Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill- He chanted in his mind, almost like some sort of cult ritual. Desperately, he looked through his drawers for something, anything.

He had made Emu cry.

Sure, he'd seen Emu cry before, but not like that. She had been full on sobbing, needing Nene to support her, trembling all over. After waving goodbye to the rest of his (haa, can someone as pathetic as him even call such an amazing group his?) troupe, something in his gut had told him to watch for a while longer.

That same gut feeling was the one he felt was currently tearing him apart at the seams, and he had to find something fast before his emotions got out of hand and he couldn't deal with them on his own.

And then he found it.

A cutter; the ones usually used to cut paper or other materials for projects. The ones that should not be left in the hands of children at all costs.

He felt like a child. He was doing something stupid, stupid, but it had worked before and so he would do it again, no matter how bad he knew it was.

In this case, he was the paper.

Tsukasa brought the blade up to his opposite arm, hand shaking. Remind him to never study to be a surgeon, again. He'd fuck it up and end up hurting people.

'Doesn't change much from now.' The voice in his head sneered. 'You're just useless like that, aren't you?'

I am. I am useless. Everyone else around me is perfect and great and does everything well. I always mess up somehow. I'm a failure. A failure. He repeated to himself, losing his self-restraint as tears pricked his eyes and he sliced his arm.

He didn't feel anything. He did it again. He deserved this. He couldn't even get through a session of practice without making someone upset, or messing up somehow. He gripped the blade tighter as memories of him messing up during shows came back to him.

'Oh, I bet you're doing this for attention, too. But yet you don't want anyone to worry about you. Just choose one already, will you?'

It got harder to breathe. It's fine. It's fine. It's meant to get worse before it gets better. Right now, he just kept going.

Cut, cut, lift, cut. A methodical rhythm, like it was a song. The rooftop in SEKAI, Emu crying, Rui over the phone, his sister. He'd made them worried, made them sacrifice their precious words and time and feelings over something like him.

He carved stars. God, how he hated that shape. They stood there, proudly, teasingly, reminding him of what he would never be. Maybe if he made enough of them, he'd be free from their curse.

Useless, childish, annoying, attention-seeking, idiot, worthless, stupid-

He pressed in deeper than he meant to.

And then he screamed.

-

"Thank you all for today!" Saki smiled, her band (and girlfriends) returning the gesture. She couldn't express the joy she felt having them all together, and today's afternoon out had been a blast.

She walked into the house and locked the door. "Onii-chan, I'm home!"

No response. How strange. Had Tsukasa gone to someone else's house without telling her? No, he never forgot to tell her things like that so she wouldn't worry! Something was clearly wrong.

"Onii-chan?" She called, walking up the stairs. Where was he, now? Surely, if something was going on, he would have told her, right?

Except Saki knew that wasn't the case.

Tsukasa always kept things to himself. Any negative emotions were brushed off with a laugh or a cool pose or a light joke, no matter how often Saki tried to remind him it was alright to be vulnerable around her. She knows it's probably related to how she's always the sick and vulnerable one, and he feels a responsibility to be the one she can rely on- and that's without even mentioning Touya, their (at this point) unofficial adopted brother.

Saki wishes she could be someone Tsukasa could rely on, too.

She was a little more ill recently than usual, but that didn't mean she was any less strong! She could carry Tsukasa's burdens with him, like he did with hers. She could be a good little sister. She could help him like he helped her.

She isn't that useless, right?

"Tsukasa-niichan?" She said again, opening the door to his room. "Are you in here?"

-

"He'll be fine, right?!" Saki was in tears. Not only was she back in this stupid hospital again, but this time it was his brother who needed help, not her. And somehow, that hurt worse than if it was just another visit for her illness.

It was sort of surreal. Tsukasa, who was always willing to help her. Tsukasa, who carried her burdens with him.

Tsukasa, who was always so strong.

(Saki opened the door, shock coming over her at the scene in front of her. Tsukasa, bloodied and cut, the knife in his own hand. She almost froze, but was able to take out her phone and call an ambulance as fast as possible, breathing heavy. He was fully unconscious, and she heard the words "not good" and "worse than I expected" come out of the mouths of different hospital staff as her brother was cared for.)

"Please calm down, miss." The nurse lady said. Saki didn't know who she was, and she couldn't find out, either. The world felt blurry around her, and she was unable to see her face no matter how close she was. It's fine. That's not what mattered right now.

"Will my nii-san be okay?" She repeated at the nurse lady. She sighed, clearly not knowing how to avoid the question anymore.

"Well, most likely. While he probably cut deeper than he should ever have-" The phrasing stung, but really, all Saki wanted was an answer. "There are no signs he won't recover through care. We'll bandage him and keep him here for a few days. However, I advise you to keep a close eye on him from now on. I'd consider therapy for him and a formal checkup of his mental health, too."

She huffed out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. "Okay, thank you."

"You should call his school or his friends to let them know what's going on. We've contacted your parents already." Ah, right. Saki had forgotten about that part. Tsukasa's friends. Tsukasa's show troupe. They...

"Hey, Saki-chan."

"Hm?" She turned to look at the person standing behind him; Kamishiro Rui, right? Her brother's friend- well, she didn't know what they were anymore. They very obviously liked each other more than that, but Saki kind of lost track of the whole relationship thing. She figured if Tsukasa didn't bring attention to it, she didn't have to worry. "What's up, Kamishiro-san?"

"Thank you for always supporting Tsukasa, Saki-chan. He may not say it very much, but he appreciates it a lot. And I do too." He placed his hand on his chest. "I can't take full responsibility for the positive changes in Tsukasa's mental health recently. So thank you. You're a great younger sister."

"Oh, uhm, thank you! But, I should be the one thanking you." Saki's eyes sparkling gave away how the compliment affected her. "I'm glad he has people like you all, too! Back in middle school, Nii-chan was really lonely, and I was in a hospital in another prefecture so... it's really nice to see him putting on shows with you guys. Especially when they're so fun and exciting!"

Rui seemed surprised, but then he smiled fondly, and Saki thought that expression was similar to the one her girlfriends had when they looked at her. It filled her with fuzzy warmth, knowing that Rui probably didn't realize he had that face on, anyway; but he did, and it was at the mention of Tsukasa.

Her brother is in good hands.

Yes. Tsukasa's troupe deserved to know.

-

A/N: comments pspspspsppspsspps