You Get Used to Leaning on People

Note: So, I took the greatest nap in the history of naps, and then I wrote this

It's a bit random, and it's not very long, and it's set post-finale. but i hope you guys like it!

thanks for the love <3 i really do appreciate you all

anna is twenty-three here!


You Get Used to Leaning on People

Glass leaned heavily against marble and struggled to steady itself there.

"How many is that?"

Anna tucked her hair behind her ear. She regretted cutting it– It was always in her face now.

Glass flattened against marble, wobbling for a moment before it settled there.

"I don't know."

Socks brushed over tile, making the softest, sweetest sound. Wood parted from wood briefly, then tapped itself back into place. More glass met marble.

"Mind if I join you?"

Anna shrugged one shoulder. "Your house."

Sam sat down across from her.

"Don't know why you got those raised chairs, man. You look like a giant."

Sam's lips tugged to one side but found no traction and so slid back to center. "Are you okay?"

Anna snorted. "Oh yeah," she bit. "Havin' a celebration out here– Can't you tell?" She took a spiteful swig of bourbon and had to stifle the urge to cough. It was so hot and sharp in her throat, tasted like fucking rubbing alcohol. But it also went straight to her blood, and that was what she needed.

"Anna..." Sam's lips turned down this time, and they had no difficulty taking root there. "I miss him too."

When that sentence wasn't immediately followed by a but, Anna exhaled the remaining heat of the bourbon she'd swallowed. "I know you do," she mumbled. Her pale green eyes, half-clouded, found Sam's face. "But I'm talkin' about him drunk. So, do me a solid– Shut up."

Glass abandoned marble in favor of Anna's lips. She drained the liquid, and her eyes watered.

Sam hadn't even filled his glass yet. "How's Kate?" he asked mildly.

"Switched her major," Anna said and burped. She reared her head back as the tangy, sharp flavor of the bourbon re-entered her mouth.

"She doesn't want to be a teacher?" Sam seemed surprised, his eyebrows finding hand-holds higher up on his forehead.

"Nope," Anna replied, still trying to exhale the sour taste from her mouth. God, she needed a cigarette. But Sam thought she'd quit smoking, and she'd wasted a lot of energy showering earlier for the sake of avoiding that argument. She wasn't about to waste the work now. "She's in nursing school now."

"What changed her mind?"

Glass slid across marble, just a couple inches. Anna didn't have the stomach for any more liquor.

"She said, uh, she wanted to be able to help people like us. People who-" she burped again, "usually can't see a doctor unless they want to get thrown in jail."

Sam smiled softly. "That sounds like Kate."

"Yeah," Anna replied. "I feel like it's kinda on me, though. I mean, Alex and I had done this rough hunt, and we crashed in her dorm for one fuckin' night. All the sudden, she's a nursing student. I think she thinks we're gonna get ourselves killed."

"When was that?"

Anna's eyes bounced toward her brother, and she felt this spark of worry in her gut just like the ones she used to get as a teenager when she thought she was in trouble. "Couple weeks," she answered.

It hadn't been a big deal. Alex had broken a couple fingers, and Anna's knee hadn't been the same since. But they were fine. They could still hunt.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

There it was. Anna sighed and licked her lips, wishing for any taste other than that of the stupid liquor she'd consumed. "Didn't matter," she replied simply.

But Sam never let her off the hook so easy. This time was no exception. "Anna, it always matters. If you get hurt, it matters. If you need somewhere to crash, it matters."

"Dude, it wasn't a big deal, alright? We were like half an hour from her college, and we were a little banged up. Mostly just exhausted. We slept there, Kate changed her major, and we all moved on. Your turn to do the same."

Sam looked frustrated, his eyebrows straining to reach one another. "You're unbelievable."

"It's been said."

"Anna, you're not-" Sam stopped speaking, looked at her like he was worried his words would kill her, then resumed. "You're not Dean. Okay? You don't have to put up this wall around yourself and be the toughest person in the room all the time. You're allowed to lean on people."

Anna's brain said fuck it, and her hands pulled a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of her hoodie.

"You're still smoking," Sam said in a dry voice. "I can't believe you. You promised me-"

"I promised because you always tell me the same shit. That I don't need the nicotine. That I can lean on people. But I don't wanna lean on people, Sam. And it's got nothing to do with me. Alright?"

She dropped her cigarettes on the counter and planted her hands on either side of them. She leaned in to get her face closer to Sam. It felt unnatural, and she knew she was a little drunk. Definitely too buzzed to have this conversation. But, of course, Sam couldn't let it go. He could never let anything go.

"You lean on people, and you get used to leaning on them, and then they turn around and die. And you need 'em more than you ever did. But, guess what, they're fucking dead. Dean is fucking dead. Dad is dead. Both our moms are dead. Cas is fucking dead." Her voice broke right in the middle, its pieces held together by the tiniest sliver of determination. "Alex'll die on me any day. I'm waitin' for it. Now, Kate's bound to get herself killed. And you- I don't- I mean, I don't know how you're still here. I'm thankin' Jack for that one every day."

Sam's eyes were wet, the bags under his eyes suddenly more pronounced. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. "Neither is Alex or Kate or... anybody. Anna, I know you spent your whole life watching people die," he said, his voice shaky and strong and somehow so old. When had Sam gotten old? "And I am... so sorry that you grew up like that."

Anna's breath caught in her chest, bubbled up, and pressed at her ribs. She was so close to tears, and she couldn't stand the thought of crying here. "Don't say that," she requested. "Don't act like it was your fault, Sam. That's what the world is. A few people get to be happy, and the rest of us die bloody."

"You can still be happy."

There was no way to respond to that, so Anna just scoffed. She wiped swiftly at her eyes before any tears had time to finish forming.

Sam stepped around the counter, and Anna grabbed her cigarettes protectively. "Anna," Sam said tiredly. He gently took hold of her arm. "Do you remember the last time you thought like this?"

Anna swallowed. It was easy to let the idea enter her brain and take control of it. But, really, this belief that the world was against her and the mistrust in every good thing that came her way... it was familiar. It was the way she'd thought when she was sixteen, sinking lower and lower into a pit of depression. Back then, she hadn't been free to line her lungs with smoke and her liver with bourbon, though. So, she'd been forced to look her problems in the face.

Her lack of an answer seemed to be an answer in itself, because Sam looked hopeful now. It was as if he knew he was getting through to her. He ducked his head, trying to see into her eyes.

She wasn't a kid anymore, but Anna was still almost a foot shorter than her brother. She found herself staring into his eyes, and it hurt.

"Ladybug, you used to talk to me."

Him and Dean. And that was why it was so fucking hard.

"And I know I can't make everything better. But I can be there."

Anna's brain made a fist. For how long? it taunted. For how long, will he be there? Ten years? Five? One? Less?

Before she could voice the conflict, Sam wrapped his arms around her.

Anna was so startled that she actually raised her arms in a sort of effort to get away. But before her instincts had her pushing her brother away, Anna regained control. This was Sam. Giving her a hug. This used to be normal. It used to be an every day occurrence, in fact.

For every part of it that felt wrong, there was a part that felt comfortingly familiar. Anna had gotten stronger and stiffer in the time since she'd left the bunker. Sam had gotten gentler.

Her brother couldn't strangle her fears just by putting his love in their place. But he could make her remember a time when his hugs actually had been that powerful. Slowly, Anna let her arms rest against Sam's back. She wasn't hugging him back per se. Hugs usually involved pressure. Anna was just kind of... accepting Sam's part of the hug.

It took almost a full minute for it to end.

Anna looked up at Sam with an awkward brand of gratitude in her eyes. She held up her pack of cigarettes. "I'm gonna quit," she said. "But, uh, not tonight. Fuckin' hate bourbon, you know?"

Sam's reply was to smile gently at her.

"You really need to get some tequila."

"You need to stop drinking all my alcohol."

Anna snorted and backed one step toward the door. "Can I crash another night?" she asked. "I, uh... I'm thinkin' of goin' to see Kate. You know, we talk all the time, but we haven't really talked in a while."

"You can stay as long as you want," Sam promised.

She meant to say thank you, but the words got caught in her throat, making her frown. So she just nodded, slid the end of a cigarette into her mouth, and slipped out the screen door.

Sneakers thumped against wood three times before they found grass.

A small flame lived for only a few seconds.

Smoke clouded into the air, burning the inside of Anna's nose.

La Fin

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