note: you know what i imagine is nice? sleep.

alas, i am exhausted at all times and people keep expecting me to exist. my sincere condolences to anyone else who is perpetually tired/depressed and being forced to do life things.

so anyway i wrote this little story for all my sweethearts who are suckers for sammy (as i am). here's a one shot featuring sam and anna in the hiatus between seasons 7-8. it's a bit angsty, but what do you expect to get out of these two characters? sunshine and rainbows?

plus tbh i've been rewatching bojack horseman, so my brain is a dark dark place rn

thank you to everyone who's taken the time to vote/comment/read. i appreciate all of you. you make me feel like i don't suck at something, and it means a lot to me <3 i hope you all know you're cool and sweet and beautiful and you deserve all the good things in this world

anna is thirteen

gone

"Your daughter is so quiet," Mrs. Harborman remarked with awe as she ushered Sam Winchester into her parlor. "My girls will both just talk your ears off."

That wasn't actually as much of a compliment as she might have thought. "Yeah," Sam murmured. Not that Anna was actually his daughter, but he would go with the story if it meant she wouldn't question their family dynamics.

"Anna's so polite, though, too. Such a sweet girl you have there. I'd love to know how you did it," she said with a chuckle. It was clear she loved her kids, doted on them even. Sam doubted she would have traded their rambling for the world.

"Yeah, she's a sweetheart," Sam agreed, then heard scrambling from the next room. He knew Anna was coming even before she barreled around the corner. She must have heard his voice. "Hey, Ladybug." She hugged him tightly, and Sam squeezed her back.

"I missed you," Anna offered quietly.

"I know," Sam said gently. "I didn't mean to be gone so long. I really didn't."

"Is Kevin okay?" she asked, voice low again. This time it seemed to be for the sake of Mrs. Harborman and her two kids more than for herself or Sam.

"Yeah," Sam promised. "He's okay. For now. We need to get going, though. We're due in Arkansas tomorrow morning."

"What for?" Anna asked, but Sam was already looking at Mrs. Harborman again.

She'd rounded up her daughters, ages 11 and 14. "Say goodbye, girls," she prompted, nudging her oldest toward Anna.

She didn't want to be hugged, but Anna let the other two do it anyway. She felt better when she was able to wrap her own arms around herself and step back behind Sam.

"Thank you, Mrs. Harborman, really," Sam said sweetly. "I know it was short notice. I appreciate you letting her stay with you."

"After what you did for my husband, Sam, I'd say I more than owed it to you. Besides, she's a sweet kid, like I said."

Anna was not a sweet kid. Not anymore. Since Dean's passing she oscillated between pissed off, overwhelmingly sad, and numbly compliant. There was nothing sweet about any of it. But people liked to say that about her, because people didn't know her. So, Anna smiled her thanks and grabbed Sam's wrist in a gentle plea to get going.

"Still," Sam repeated, "Thank you."

Judging by the smile he received in return, Anna would say Mrs. Harborman actually did appreciate his manners. "You take care of yourselves," she requested.

"Mom, can I go play now?" the younger of her kids whined.

Anna bit her lip and looked away. Oh, to have problems so small. But she felt guilty for having the thought. It wasn't little Millie's fault that Anna's life sucked so much.

Mrs. Harborman smiled apologetically and shooed her kids off before leading Sam and Anna to the door. "Call me if you're ever back in the area," she requested, and Sam told her a pleasant lie in return.

In the Impala, Anna sat numbly with her head against the passenger window. "I don't wanna stay with people anymore. I wanna help find Dean."

"Anna, there is no finding Dean," Sam reminded her sternly. But there was an undercurrent of tired patience in his words as well. "Dean's gone. And he's not coming back this time."

Anna bit her lip again, still numb but now fighting tears. She didn't understand her own body sometimes. "You don't know that. We don't know what happened to him. He might not be dead." She so badly wanted it to be true, but she believed it less with every passing day.

"And if he's not, we'll figure it out. But either way, it's not for you to worry about." Sam started the engine and pulled carefully onto the street.

Anna missed the way Dean used to gun it out of his parking spot even in the middle of Suburbia. But Sam's careful driving was just as soothing to her now. Six months since Dean's passing, and she was getting used to his absence in a gut-wrenching way.

She used to be left at Bobby's for a week or more sometimes. And she could remember smaller doses of this feeling from those times. She would fall into a dull routine, eating breakfast with Bobby, watching TV with him, fixing cars with him. She would be able to go to bed without thinking how wrong it was not to have the boys right there with her.

Then they would come back and she would remember what home felt like, and the last week would suddenly hurt.

It was hard to know wrong in the absence of right.

And when right left for good, wrong slowly took its place. Or so Anna told herself.

Because six months ago Sam in the driver's seat would have been wrong. Now it was right.

"Anna, I've been thinking about all this- this thing with Kevin and the angels and Crowley..." The way he trailed off made Anna wary. But Sam kept talking after a moment, "I don't think you should come with me anymore."

Her heart seemed to stop beating, and Anna felt her chest cramp with its laziness. "What do you mean? I have to come with you. You're my brother," she reminded him helplessly.

"I don't mean I want to leave you with Mrs. Harborman or some other stranger, okay? I would never leave you like that."

Anna was ashamed to have needed that reassurance. But she was incredibly grateful to have gotten it. "Okay," she said softly. "So, what do you mean then?" She half-expected him to say they'd go to Bobby's, lay low for a while. That was what Dean used to say when he wasn't sure of their next move.

But Bobby was dead. And so was Dean. No one to call, and no one to do the calling.

"I mean I got us an apartment," Sam replied. "In this little town in Arkansas. It's called Jasper, and it's in the Ozarks-" He glanced over at her and stopped talking. "What's the matter?" he asked when he saw the tears gathering in her eyes.

Anna shrugged one shoulder and tilted her head against the passenger window again. "Do you mean we're not hunting anymore?"

"I mean we need a home base," Sam said, sounding so placatingly like Dean that it made Anna feel sick to her stomach.

Sometimes Sam did this- this thing now. He spoke like Dean would have spoken, because he knew Dean could convince Anna of things in a way others couldn't. It felt every time as if she was being poked in the stomach with a branding iron. But every time, Anna looked at him and she saw that his imitations were in part for himself. Maybe they weren't even conscious.

Still, Anna wished Sam would stick to talking like Sammy. Like the Sam he was when Dean was there. It was all too strange to watch him take charge, make every call without anyone to bounce ideas off of. He hadn't let her down yet, and she knew he wouldn't any time soon. But she still missed the Sam who could be protected as well as a protector.

"Like, for how long?" Anna asked sullenly. "You're not gonna make me go to school, right?"

Sam actually laughed softly at that. "No, Ladybug. You don't have to go to public school. But I do want you to get back on track with the online courses I showed you."

Anna wrinkled her nose and sat up straighter in her seat. "Sam, I haven't even been on there in almost a year. I don't need it anymore."

"Well, you're doing it anyway," Sam told her firmly. His no-more-argument voice was altogether different from Dean's. Sam wasn't so practiced in being the stern one. The finality in his voice was more sympathetic and more relenting. But it told her in its own way that there was no use in fighting him on this.

Anna crossed her arms and looked out the windshield with frustration. "I hate this," she said after a few minutes of quiet. "I don't get it. We're supposed to find Dean and go back to saving the world or whatever. I don't want to live in Arkansas."

Sam was biting the inside of his cheek, Anna could see. When he glanced over at her, his eyes spoke of the velocity at which he was thinking through everything. "Can I be straight with you?" he asked carefully, looking out the windshield again.

Anna straightened in her seat again, uncrossing her arms. "Yeah," she said quickly.

With a sigh, her brother explained, "You need stability, Anna. And maybe I do too."

The confession wasn't at all what she'd expected. She'd thought maybe there was something after them, something they needed to hide from for a while. Or maybe Sam had some sort of a plan to get Dean back that was taking them to Arkansas, and he just hadn't wanted her to know in case it backfired. But that... was underwhelming. And stupid and painful and... Anna just hated it. She hated everything about it.

"I don't need stability," she snapped. "And neither do you. We need Dean." She still felt numb, maybe a little angry. But her eyes were watering again. Stupid body. "I don't want to go to Arkansas, Sammy," she said again when he didn't answer. Her voice was smaller that time, shakier. She wasn't even surprised when Sam pulled the car over.

They were on a dirt road, and the trees were a deep shade of green over their heads. God, was it Spring? When had the seasons changed?

"Anna, I want you to be okay," Sam said, hands warm and gentle on both her shoulders. "But it's not gonna happen. Not like this. We need to settle down somewhere, even if it's just for a little while."

"I don't want to," Anna argued again. It wasn't a tactical response. She wasn't debating anymore. No, this was childish and it was sad and it was tired. "I can't go to Arkansas, Sammy. I have to find Dean."

Sam looked ready to cry with her, maybe because Anna was full on sobbing now. He put one hand on the side of her face and looked her dead in the eyes. "There is no finding Dean," he told her sternly. "He's gone, Anna."

"No, he's not," Anna snapped and shoved her brother away. "He's not gone. He's just... He's just missing. He's been missing before. I've been missing before. So have you. We found each other. We always do, 'cause we're family. We can't just give up on him. He's- He's- He's not... He's not gone."

Sam closed his eyes and tilted his head back like he was tired in his very bones. He probably was. Anna sure was. And she was only responsible for herself. He let out this horrible, shaky breath. He was trying to collect himself, but to Anna it just served as proof that he wasn't doing any better than she was.

"Don't you think I want him back too?" Sam said evenly without opening his eyes. "I can't work miracles here. I'm trying my best."

It was only because his voice was beginning to break that his words didn't feel like an accusation. Anna sniffled and reached out to grab Sam's shoulder. Dean used to do that. But his hands were bigger, and his grip was stronger, and Anna had no hope of imitating him. So she didn't bother trying.

Maybe Sam was getting used to having just Anna the same way she was getting used to having just him.

"I'm sorry, Sammy," she said quietly and sniffled again. "I know you're trying. You're doing a good job. I'm just..." She scooted closer to him, unsure how to finish her sentence.

"No, it's okay," Sam assured her, clearing his throat and looking over her head out the window. "It's nothing you said, Honey. It's just... everything, you know?"

Anna nodded somberly. She knew, alright.

"I know this is tough right now, okay?" he continued, looking her in the eye again. "But I promise you, Anna, it's gonna get better." It had to. "We'll make a life, and we'll figure everything out, alright? I promise."

Anna stared at her brother. In all his grief and uncertainty, he had stopped to make her comforting promises. Just like he had that night Cas let him out of the panic room. Barely on his feet, begging Bobby to kill him, he'd paused to look right at her and say, "Everything's gonna be okay." It was one of the biggest lies he'd ever told her, but it was so well-intended that its deceit didn't matter to Anna.

"I'm scared, Sam," Anna admitted. And it wasn't just for her.

"Of what?" Sam asked her, eyebrows tugged inward in concern. He looked so earnest, so focused on her. It made Anna's stomach ache.

"I'm scared you're gonna change. Like you did before. Like Dean did when you were gone. I don't want you to be alone just because you don't want me to be alone."

It was probably the worst explanation she could have given for this feeling. But Sam got it, because their brains shared a certain penchant for painful thoughts.

"You mean you want someone to take care of me?" Sam asked slowly, with the tiniest smile forming.

"Don't say it like that," Anna insisted, scooting closer to her brother again. Their knees were pressed together now, and his smile faded a little. "I'm being serious. Remember last time?" The distant look that entered Sam's eyes told her that yes, he remembered last time. "You were really quiet, and you didn't look at me, and it was really scary." It was a hard thing to admit as a thirteen year old. She was too old to say things like that now, even when they were true.

"Anna, I'm not leaving you," Sam swore with conviction. "Not even like that."

Anna swallowed, "I know right now you say that. But it still... it's still this feeling like... like in my chest."

Sam's eyes closed again in that way that meant he was trying not to feel something. "I'm sorry," he said gently. "I'm sorry I made you feel like that."

"It's not you," Anna promised, though she had no clue whether it was true or not. "It's just... I just don't want to lose anyone else. I don't even want to lose the people who are already..." She trailed off and looked sideways out the windshield.

Someone was lumbering slowly along in a big pickup truck, bouncing along through potholes and ruts. Their headlights were on but barely visible in the sunlight.

Sam was usually better with words than touch– the precise opposite of Dean. It was almost funny, because Sam was supposed to be the 'touchy-feely' guy. But in reality, it sometimes seemed like he was even more afraid of being touched or cared for than Dean was.

So, it was a little bit of a surprise that Sam didn't answer her with words. He just opened his arms in an offer Anna would never turn down.

It was incredibly warm there– her cheek against his chest, his heart beating in her ear. But more so it was safe. Safe in every sense of the word.

And that feeling of safety and security was pretty hard to come by these days.

So a tiny town in Arkansas where it would be just her and Sam... Well, maybe it didn't sound so bad after all.

La Fin