Going Back Won't Feel the Same If We Aren't Staying

Note: Hey, loves. Three in a row??? Holy crap, I know! And the chapter's not even super short!


This takes place post-finale, as @kindnesspeople asked for ages and ages ago. You're always so sweet with your comments, so, from the bottom of my emo heart, I hope you enjoy this <3


This also goes out to @Musicpotterhead , une fille que je t'aime. You've been such a rock for me over the past year. And I know you've had a hard time yourself. 


Title comes from a lyric in Franklin by Paramore. It's on their first album, and it has a special place in my heart, so I encourage you to listen. Guys, if I made a playlist with every song referenced in a chapter (title or otherwise) and posted the spotify code... would y'all listen to that? Anyways-


In the present, Anna is twenty-two. In the flashback scene, she's seventeen.




Going Back Won't Feel the Same If We Aren't Staying


"Jesus," Alex whispered, so quiet that Anna almost didn't hear her. She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and held it out to Anna, who took one, before grabbing one out for herself. "You really weren't kiddin' when you said this place looked different."


"Weird, isn't it?" Anna replied. "It got bigger with the housing development and everything, but I swear to god it looks smaller."


In tandem, she and Alex pulled zippos from their pockets and flicked up little flames with which to light their cigarettes. They took their first drag at the same time, but Anna released her breath slowly, and Alex let hers go in a rush.


"Sam doesn't even live here anymore, you know," Anna said softly, her voice a little rough the way it had gotten after a year of smoking.


"I know," Alex said. She took another drag, slower this time, but Anna just held her cig between her index and middle fingers, letting it bleed smoke into the otherwise mostly-clean Kansas air. I figured he asked us to meet him here for a case or something."


"No," Anna said, her voice darker this time. She was frowning, staring with hard eyes at the buildings across the street. She scuffed the bottom of her sneaker hard against the sidewalk beneath their feet. "He wanted me distracted."


"Distracted?" Alex asked, puzzled. She turned to look at Anna, tucked her beanie down over her ears. "From what?"


Anna's expression gave nothing away as she was careful not to let it. But she looked down at the ground, took a long drag off her cig. "From the date," she admitted on an exhale, smoke trailing out of her nose as well as her mouth. It burned, made her choke once, something she rarely did anymore when she was smoking.


"The second?" Alex asked. "The hell's the second?"


"Happy anniversary," was all Anna said.


"Uh, okay," Alex drawled and then hurried to keep up when Anna pushed off the side of the car and walked toward the cross walk. "You realize that was completely unhelpful, right?" She had to dance to avoid a hole in the sidewalk, mumbled to herself, "Some things haven't changed at least."


"Yeah, that was your hint to stop asking," Anna called over her shoulder, gazing straight ahead like looking anywhere else would mean risking her life. "Sam's waitin' at the cafe."


"You might wanna put the cig out before we get there," Alex suggested from behind her. "If I remember one thing about Sam, it's how much of a mother hen he is."


"Yeah, well, I'm not a kid anymore. Doesn't really matter how much mothering he wants to do."


Anna stepped off the curb onto the crosswalk, making a driver curse and slam on the breaks. She looked with dead eyes at the person behind the wheel, watched them make a sour face at her without reacting. Then she glanced back at Alex. "You know, I thought I missed this place."


"What, and you didn't?"


"What, you did?"


"Don't sound so surprised," Alex said defensively. She took another drag off her cigarette, and the action reminded Anna about the one in her hand, so she followed suit. "I know I didn't live here as long as you did, but come on, Ace, I met my best friends here."


"Yeah," Anna snorted. "That's the thing about it, Alex. I had the best years of my life here. And the worst ones, I think. Except now I'm back and it just hurts like hell, 'cause those days aren't comin' back. Hell, they're gaining on us."


"Maybe you should quit chasing them then," Alex said in her wisened way.


Anna remembered she used to admire that about her friend. It was one of the things that had first convinced her and Kate that Alex belonged with them. She was so smart, so thoughtful, so deep inside her head. When she'd moved to Lebanon, it hadn't even been a conscious choice for her to wiggle her way into their group. It had just happened. Like some kind of fate.


"Remind me of that when we're not standing in the middle of memory lane," Anna snapped. She stopped abruptly in front of a little club known as the Kickback. It was mid-day, and all the kids were in school, so the place was mostly empty aside from a few adults on their lunch break. "God," she murmured. She nudged Alex, who was now standing beside her. "You remember this place?"


Alex snorted, "Couldn't forget it if I tried. I turned eighteen in there."


"Me too," Anna said with a little smile. "Sort of."


"I kinda feel like we should say hi to Ollie."


Anna felt small at the prospect. Her mind was overrun with memories of chocolate cake, cans of purple Monster, Fall Out Boy tickets, Kate and Ethan's smiling faces. Ian. Madeleine. She could almost hear the old punk songs she used to blow way too much money punching into the jukebox. For just a second, she forgot the cigarette between her fingers, the cracked cement beneath her feet, the date.


"No," she said simply. "I mean, you do what you want, but I'm good. I'm all set."


"Yeah," Alex huffed. "Cause I'm gonna go in there without you."


Anna turned to watch her take another drag off her cigarette and tried to remember the first time Alex had ever joined them at the Kickback. The memory was buried under sand, hidden in the back of her brain along with all the other friendly moments from her adolescence.


()()()


"Girl, shut up," Ethan laughed. "I swear, it wasn't even top ten. It was weak, Anna."


Anna raised both eyebrows at her friend. "Weak compared to what? Compared to the frickin' rock you put in my shoe? That shit was third grade, Ethan. No, actually, that was kindergarten."


"Okay, no, if that was kindergarten, then this was second grade at best."


"You guys are children," Kate said dryly, but she had a smile on her face.


"Truly," Alex said, putting on her best parent voice. "Neither one of you has a clue how to pull a good prank."


"Oh-ho," Ethan reared back in surprise as he opened the door for everyone to walk through. "Big talk considering you've only known us two weeks."


Alex shrugged. "I'm a good judge of character. I've got great observational skills, and let me tell you, I'm not seeing any exceptional pranking skills in either one of you."


"Jesus, you talk like Kate," Ethan complained. "And for that reason– and that reason onlyI'm conceding."


"Cool, well, I'm gonna get you again," Anna said. "If that prank was really second grade level, then I think we can both agree it didn't count."


"I'm gonna get you guys to call a truce if it takes me all year," Kate said, giving both Anna and Ethan a little shove on either side of her. They all slide into a booth near the back. They liked their privacy.


"What do you think, Alex? Place is trying too hard, isn't it?"


Alex glanced at Anna before looking around again. Anna watched her new friend look around, scrutinizing her expression. She swore there was a hint of sadness there, maybe even a bit of fear? Alex wasn't the type to wear her heart on her sleeve. Hell, she wasn't even the type to be honest about her feelings if you asked her outright. She was a hard read.


"I like it," Alex said after a second. "It's... chill."


"Well-put," Ethan said and nodded once at her. "Alright, I'll get the drinks, but anyone who doesn't give me cash first is officially telling me that they want a vitamin water."


"I like vitamin water," Kate said in a small voice.


Anna smirked and patted her on the arm. "We know, Katie. It's one of your only flaws."


Kate laughed out loud, and they both paused when they heard Alex mumble something incomprehensible under her breath.


"What was that?" Ethan asked.


Alex's mouth twisted off to the side. "I like vitamin water too."


"I'm gonna throw up," Ethan quipped, then made several fake gagging noises, his tongue sticking out of his mouth.


"Okay, okay," Anna exclaimed, trying to be heard over his exaggerated sound effects. She stuck her hand into her pocket, pulled out a folded ten. "Please, save all our hearts and get them both something that isn't vitamin water."



Ethan saluted her. "If it means we can pretend neither one of them just said that, I'll do anything."


"You're an idiot," Anna called after him as he walked away.


"Man, I gotta pee so bad," Kate said, peeling her jacket off and dropping it in the booth seat between herself and Anna.


"You really need to learn how to ask to use the bathroom, Kate. It's painful."


"I have anxiety."


"Me too, but that's a really specific kind of anxiety."


"Wait," Alex said. "You can't ask to go to the bathroom?"


"It's like this weird thing," Kate said a little shyly. She tucked the sleeves of her cardigan over her hands. "I get in my head about it. Like, I have to practice over and over in my head before I ask. And then I physically can't bring myself to raise my hand. It's ridiculous."


"We're working on it," Anna said consolingly.


"She thinks I should do what she does and just get up and go without even saying anything."


"What kind of institution makes people ask before they pee," Anna griped.


Alex nodded a couple times, "That's actually a good point."


"Whatever," Kate said. "I'm going to the bathroom."


Anna shrugged her own jacket off and pulled her phone out to set it on the table beside her. No texts or missed calls, which was good. It probably meant the boys were still home.


When she looked up, mouth opened to say something, she was Alex looking elsewhere again. She seemed to be some other place entirely though, her eyes fixed on one spot, her mouth drawn into a tight line. She had worry lines carved into her face.


"Hey," Anna grabbed her attention.


"What?" Alex asked, her expression immediately changing to appear more open and content. But there were still lines of worry around her eyes.


"What's wrong?"


Alex frowned. "What do you mean? I'm fine."


"Yeah," Anna said sarcastically. "And I aced my math test today."


Alex chuckled, "You would have if you'd studied."


"What's that?"


She chuckled again.


Anna smiled at the reaction, but she kept looking at Alex, waiting for a real answer to her question. Dean did this to her sometimes, and she knew it was a hard situation to beat. When you're faced with silence, answering the last question posed, however tedious, usually starts to sound pretty good to you.


Alex sighed, glanced toward the counter where Ethan was and then the bathroom where Kate was. "If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone?"


"Sure," Anna said easily.


"Okay." Alex shifted in her seat. She was clearly feeling uncomfortable, and Anna almost wished she hadn't pried at all. "Look, I... I've never been to a place like this."


"What do you mean? Like, the Kickback? We can hang out somewhere else if you don't like it?"


"No!" Alex said hurriedly. "No, no. That's actually... that's the opposite of what I mean. I've been places like this a hundred times. It's pretty much the only kind of place I ever go when my dad and I hit a new town."


Anna nodded, that made sense. Well, it sorta made sense anyway. Again, Alex was a hard read. She was clearly a dedicated kid– to school, to family– but she also had a lot of secrets, and that much was clear from looking at her face. She was closed off. Her eyes revealed nothing of her emotions most of the time. So while it was new information to Anna that Alex was the type to hang out in fun environments with lots of people around, it wasn't entirely surprising. There wasn't much Alex could have said to surprise her.


"Wait, so, what do you mean then?" she asked.


"Well," Alex said. "I actually meant... you guys. I've never been to a place where going here was a small part of it."


"What, like you've never had friends before?" Anna asked, not judging, just trying to understand. But she realized quickly at the tinge of red in her friend's cheeks that maybe her question hadn't made that very clear. "I never had friends as a kid either," she admitted, hoping to put Alex more at ease. "My family traveled a lot and I was homeschooled to make it easier. I pretty much didn't even talk to people my own age until we moved here."


The color faded from Alex's cheeks at that information, and Anna could swear there was tension melting out of her shoulders. "Really?"


"Yeah, seriously. I always thought I was too weird to make friends."


"Yeah," Alex said. "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. I just... I always thought it would be best to just keep to myself. But then I met you guys, and for some reason... it's just different."


"So why don't you look happy then? I mean, that's a good thing, right?"


"Anna... it is, but... I mean, yeah, obviously it's a good thing. But it's complicated."


"Why?"


"I can't..." Alex tucked her beanie further down over her ears, shoved her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket. "It's just, I'm a military brat, you know? I don't even know how long I'll be here. And I'm sitting here, looking around, and it's just reminding me of all the other places I've been, all the kids I've known that barely made a dent in my life."


Anna swallowed hard. She hadn't known Alex long, but she felt so connected to her. Now more than ever. And the thought of her picking up and leaving was a painful one. It surprised her, really, the lump that had appeared in her throat. She met people briefly and then disappeared too. It was part of hunting. Hell, the first time she'd met Kate, she'd assumed she would be leaving that friendship behind the same way, if a little slower thanks to the phone numbers they'd exchanged.


"I know how you feel," she admitted.


"No offense, Anna," Alex said, her voice hardening in a way that almost hurt. It was like she was forcibly putting distance between them even before it was necessary. "But I really don't think you do."


"I told you, Alex, we used to move constantly too. I was a military brat. Like you."


"You mean your dad is military?"


Anna felt her face smooth out with the numbness that swept over her. She looked at Alex with cold eyes. "My dad was," she said. "Yeah."


"Shit," Alex said, leaning forward. She reached out and grabbed Anna's hand, and Anna looked up sharply to catch her eyes. "Fuck, I'm sorry. Anna... God. That's my worst nightmare."


"It was a long time ago. It's okay," Anna said, trying to make herself sound like it was truly okay. But it wasn't. It would never stop hurting, and she'd accepted that now. She looked down at Alex's hand gripping hers so tightly. Alex wasn't the touchy-feely type, and Anna was pleasantly surprised that she'd been willing to hold her hand, even if it was completely spur of the moment.


Alex pulled her hand away again, but the movement was slow. "I doubt that," she said. "I can't imagine..." She shook her head, a sad smile gracing her face. "Well, actually, I do imagine it. I imagine it a lot. Gives me nightmares."


"Me too," Anna said. "It did when I was a kid. And I still dream about him all the time." She immediately regretted how much she'd revealed. But when she looked up, she saw no judgement in Alex's eyes. She didn't see the usual mask there either, though. She saw sadness and yet some sort of calm as well. "Alex, if you do move away... you'd better not ever lose my number."


()()()


Anna looked over at Alex again, and she lifted her cigarette to her mouth, but before she'd even started to inhale, she dropped it instead. It wasn't even halfway gone, but she didn't care. She couldn't smoke here, right outside the place she'd first looked Alex in the eyes and seen a real kid under there. She couldn't smoke in this town. Period.


"Quit for the day?" she asked.


Alex rolled her eyes. "You're awfully sentimental all of a sudden," she bemoaned. But she took one more drag and then dropped her cigarette too. She stomped it out. "Those things cost way too much fucking money to be tossin' 'em before they're done, you know."


Anna ignored her and led the way around the block until they saw the sign for the cafe. It was another pinnacle from their childhood, but it wasn't what had made Anna stop in her tracks. She felt Alex bump into her from behind, then heard the muttered, "Holy shit."


She couldn't breathe, or Anna might have said the same thing.


"It looks the same," Alex said. "How's that even possible?"


Anna didn't say anything. Her eyes were watering, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. Her stomach hurt, her chest was tight, and she wanted to run away, climb back into her own car and drive away. But all she could do was stare at Baby.


"Are you okay?"


"No," Anna murmured, choking on the word despite how short it was. She still couldn't move. Her feet were stuck to the sidewalk.


That car was... God, it was... It was like a time capsule. It was like a photo album. It was like... It was Dean.


"Godammit," Anna snapped. She turned around, her hands shaking, and she pulled out her own pack of cigarettes and her zippo. She struggled to light up, but when she had, she inhaled so deeply, she swore she could feel smoke burning her eyes. It hurt like hell, but it was grounding compared to the pain that had trapped her in that stupid square of sidewalk. "I hate this fucking town."


"I know," Alex whispered. "I know, Ace." She placed a hand gently on Anna's shoulder, and the touch was nice for a second, but it quickly started to feel irritating. Anna shoved away and walked back the way they'd come for a minute. She stopped just before she would have had to turn the corner again.


What the hell had Sam been thinking? Driving that car here today? He knew she hadn't seen it since...


Anna choked again, tears burning her eyes. She replaced the burn with cigarette smoke. Alex was right, these things were too damn expensive to waste, and she wished she'd never tossed her first one. What a waste.


And how the hell had Sam been able to drive that car? She bent forward, hands against her knees, cig sticking out from between her fingers. She felt like she was going to vomit. How had he been able to even look at Dean's car without breaking down?


"Anna."


Immediately, Anna's back straightened. She ran a hand through her hair, used the other to take another deep drag from her cigarette. Get a grip, she told herself. "You couldn't drive your stupid truck?" she asked, her voice shaky but adequately angry, she thought. Her hand was still tremoring as she took another drag and let it fall back to her side.


"You're standing there smoking a cigarette," Sam countered from behind her. "I guess we both have self-destructive habits."


"Yeah, well, mine didn't give you a fucking anxiety attack."


"Not at this very moment," Sam said evenly. "Can't I even see your face?"


She wished there was a way for him to see her without her having to see him too. But alas. Anna brought her cig back to her mouth, and only after she'd blown out a slow furl of smoke did she turn to face her brother.


Instead of making her stomach turn and her heart ache the way Baby had, the sight of Sam's face made Anna go numb.


He had tears in his eyes, tears she hadn't been able to hear in his voice a second ago. He looked old, she thought coldly. His hairline was receding, but not by a lot, just enough for her to notice. He had lines etched against the skin around his eyes that she knew had come from a combination of worry and grief. But to the average onlooker, they would have just looked like age.


Anna knew better. Sam had looked a lot younger a year ago.


"I gotta finish it," she said. "Shit's expensive."


"I'll pay for the whole pack if you quit."


Her numbness gave into a sort of buzzing sensation in her fingers and toes. It was like her insides were waking up after having all circulation cut off. But it wasn't for just a few minutes. It had been a year.


Anna felt tears gathering in her eyes only half a second before she felt strong arms around her, pressing her against Sam's chest. She lost track of time with her face pressed to a familiar canvas jacket. She felt young, felt old, felt like a fucking baby.


"I missed you, Honey," Sam said, voice gruff.


She could almost hear Dean in Sam now. She could almost feel his arms at her back, his scruff against her face, his hand on the back of her head, his lips against the side of her head, his fingers brushing curls behind her ears.


"Me too," she said softly. "Me too, Sammy."


She hoped she could give him a little taste of Dean too. God knew he was what they both needed. And God knew they were each other's only source of him now.


()()()


"Holy crap."


"Yeah, it's bigger than we planned on, actually," Sam explained as he held the door open until both girls were inside the house. "But, you know, Eileen has been talking about kids, and..."


Anna felt her breath hitch at the very thought. She could picture a handful of kids running around this front room, though. She could picture Sam picking up a little boy, tossing him up in the air. She could practically hear the laughter, see the smiles.


But it just made her sad. Because she could picture Dean here too.


She could picture him scooping up his nieces and nephews, letting them wrestle him to the ground and piggy pile on top of him. She could hear small voices cheering at the arrival of their Uncle Dean.


"It's definitely a step up from the apartment building," Alex said. "It's good, you know. You deserve it. You guys are great together. This is a long time coming."


"Thanks, Alex," Sam said.


"She's right," Anna said quietly. Her eyes stayed fixed on one spot in the middle of the floor.


She wasn't seeing the room in front of her, though. She was seeing Dean, arms pinned above his head by two small boys who were laughing loudly. She was seeing a little girl with brown pigtails sitting on his chest, making a funny face at him. She was seeing her brother, alive and laughing, making his family smile... making them feel strong. Making them feel safe.


"You deserve this," she said. "You deserve to be happy."


Anna caught eyes with Sam, but at the way his shone, she had to look away again. She met Alex's eyes instead, and she saw the solidarity there. She wasn't doing a very good job of hiding her internal struggle, she knew. But how could she when she was looking right at Dean?


"You too," Sam said.


Anna was startled out of her reverie. She looked at her brother's face, wondering what he could possibly mean by that. "What?"


"You deserve a home, Anna."


"Stop," Anna said softly. "You know I'm not ready to quit hunting yet, Sam."


"Hey, I'm not asking to have that fight again," Sam relented easily. He had his hands up in surrender. "But I was thinking... You avoided me all year, Anna."


"Sam-"


"No, I'm not saying I blame you." He stepped a little closer, but he left her with enough space that it didn't make Anna feel claustrophobic. "I get it. I do. It- It's just that I miss you. I really do, Anna."


"I call," Anna defended weakly. This conversation was making her uneasy, so much so that she was itching for a smoke. She had a feeling she knew where it was going, and she didn't like it. The very thought freaked her out.


"Yeah," Sam snorted mirthlessly. "And that's totally how things should be between us. Anna, come on. Doesn't it bother you that we haven't seen each other face to face since this time last year?"


Anna swallowed hard. It bothered her, sure. But it was better that way. "It hasn't been quite that long."


"Just about," Sam said, unrelenting. "Anna, I don't want to argue. I really don't. It's been way too long, is all I'm saying."


"What do you want me to do, Sam?" She hadn't meant the words to come out as harshly as they did, but she felt antsy as hell all of a sudden. And she didn't exactly have a way to make a quick exit. "I'm a hunter. You know the life."


"I know," Sam agreed.


He was remaining so calm that Anna suddenly had the feeling that he'd been practicing this conversation. He was going to have a ready-made reply to every single comeback she came up with. He was going to convince her to do what he wanted in the end.


"But even hunters need a home base."


"I still have a key to the bunker."


"And you expect me to believe you've set foot in there in the past year?"


Anna remained silent, stuffing her hands in her pockets and looking down at the floor. "I got my car," she tried.


"Anna," Sam said, exasperated.


"It was good enough for-" She caught herself before she could say their brother's name. "What are you asking me to do?" she asked, still very much on edge.


"I think you know."


"What, I'm supposed to move in? Right around the corner from the town I grew up in? Sam, no thank you. There are just too many memories here, okay? It's not gonna work."


"I'm not asking you to stay all the time," Sam said. "Just... make us your home base. Come for holidays. Let me see your face a few times a month."


Anna bit her lip hard. She wanted a fucking smoke. "Sam..."


"Just think about it," he requested. "Offer's open. To you and Alex."


Anna looked up, watched Alex's face register surprise. "Are you serious?" Alex asked, her hand hitting her chest.


"Of course," Sam said, like it was blatantly obvious that the offer would be extended. "Alex, I've known you since you were a kid. You're one of Anna's best friends. You're family. You're always welcome here."


Grateful to have a little attention taken off of her, Anna took the opportunity to catch her breath and get a hold of herself. She was able to put on her usual exterior after a second. "Alright," she said. "Home base, like you said."


"Good," Sam said, tears in his eyes again. Shit, they'd both probably cried more in the last hour than they had in the whole year before that.


"But you better be in on this," Anna said, swiveling to look at Alex.


Alex grinned. "You think I'd pass up a chance to sleep in a real bed? Eat some decent food? Girl, you're out of your mind."


Anna smiled softly, feeling something ease in her chest that had been there since last year.


"Hey," Sam said softly. "You know, Dean would be proud of you."


Something else eased, but this time it made her face wind up in a tight frown. There were tears falling out of her eyes before she even had time to fully process what Sam had told her. "Don't say that," she pleaded, stepping away when he reached out like he thought he could hug her again. She turned fully away and almost bumped into Alex as she hurried toward the next room. "Let's get the grand tour, huh?" she called over her shoulder.


Nobody followed her immediately, so she turned the corner and immediately leaned her back against the wall.


"You might want to just give her a minute," she heard Alex say in a hushed tone. "She's not handling things very well right now."


For some reason, Anna took those words as permission, and she slid down against the wall until she was sitting with her knees to her chest. It was just the way she used to sit in her bedroom on those bad days and nights. She brought her hands to her face, scrubbed her palms against her eyes, trying to get ahold of herself. But it had the opposite effect. Her face crumbled further.


"Fucking hell, Dean," she said angrily but so quietly that there could have been somebody right in front of her, and she would still have been the only one to hear the words. "Why'd you have to go and fucking die?"


She hadn't let herself say the words out loud in a long, long time, and they broke some kind of a wall inside of her. Before she knew it, she was sobbing outright, her face soaked in tears, her ribs sore from trying to keep up with all her pain. It was unfair. It was completely unfair. She wasn't ready to live without Dean. She hadn't been ready last year, and she wasn't ready now.


She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to tell if she was doing the right thing. Ever. She made choices out of spite, just like she had when she was a kid. But mostly she just questioned every choice she made now.


Every time she lit a cigarette, she knew she was letting him down. Every time she took a hunt she was reminded of the speeches he used to give her about how kids shouldn't hunt. It didn't matter that she was twenty-two now, she still felt like she was betraying him every time she cleaned her gun. And that fucking car– not Dean's, but hers, the one he'd fixed for her with his bare hands– reminded her of him every single time she sat behind the wheel. She couldn't turn into the parking lot of a bar or a motel without picturing his face, looking down at her, asking her if she was sure she should be doing this.


The fact was, Anna didn't know if she should be doing this. She didn't feel certain about anything except that she wasn't doing it right.


Dean would be proud of you.


No, Anna thought. He wouldn't. He would be so disappointed. And of that she was sure. But she scrubbed her hands over her face again, feeling the slick of tears on her palms. This time, the action was better at helping her find her composure.


She pushed herself to her feet, used the sleeve of her canvas jacket to finish drying her face. She looked around the room she'd walked blindly into and recognized it now as a kitchen. It looked nothing like the one at the bunker. It looked clean and home-y and warm. Maybe she knew a little more than that.


She knew Dean would be proud of Sam. She knew he would be thrilled about the house and the wife and the future babies. She knew he would think that just this once, she had made the right decision. He would want to see her and Sam together. They needed each other.


"Jesus," she said. "Alex was right."


La Fin

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