Note: Hey, my lovelies 💜 Thanks for being a bunch of the sweetest people on the planet last week (and every week). You're all super awesome, and I hope you know that.

Um... so... something crazy happened...

This story just reached 100k reads and over 1500 comments and over 2200 votes. Which is... mind blowing. Thank you so much to everyone who's been so supportive of this story and of me. I appreciate you so much. It feels somehow like forever and no time at all have passed since I was thirteen, posting Beautiful for shits and giggles, waiting anxiously for my first vote or comment. Thanks for reading, for voting, and for commenting, my loves <3

This week's chapter was something a few people asked about. It picks up from the end of "The Following Question Is Going to Be About Sex" and fills in the gaps between that and "You're Better Off Looking Alone."

I want to dedicate this chapter to @voidpottah. All will be okay, love, I promise. I hope this helps distract you and make you feel better, if only for half an hour.

Anna is seventeen.

Anon Asked "Am I Ace?"

"Hey, Ian," Anna said softly, feeling his hand slip into hers as he stepped up beside her.

"Hey," he said and kissed the side of her face.

Anna shied away a little bit. Usually she didn't mind the little kisses and touches. But she felt guilty, like she was lying to him every time he touched her. Not to mention she was feeling keenly aware of how different their wants were in this relationship.

"Wanna make out?" Ian asked, nodding toward the side of the school building and tugging on her hand.

"Uh, my brother's already here," Anna said apologetically. "Can I... can I talk to you about something later?" she requested. Her hands were beginning to feel sweaty, and it made her feel self-conscious about where her palm touched Ian's. She squeezed his hand instead of pulling away. It wasn't his fault she felt like crap today. It was her own problem, and she shouldn't deny him closeness because of her own issues.

"Sure," Ian said. "I'll text you after practice."

Anna nodded, looking at the ground beneath their feet as they walked.

"Did you decide if you wanna... you know..."

"Um... I'm still... I'm thinking," Anna replied, blushing at the reminder. "But..." The guilt was back full force. Why was she like this? Why was she always putting other people out because of her own problems. "We could... we could make out if you want. Just, you know, not where my brother can see."

Ian grinned. "If you insist," he quipped. He tugged on her hand until they were in the shade of the school building.

They weren't in view of the parking lot, but there were plenty of students and a couple parents and teachers around– just enough people to make Anna feel uncomfortable. But that wasn't Ian's problem, she reminded herself. She tried to focus on the sensation of his lips against the skin of her face, and she kissed back. Feel it, she reprimanded herself. You like this. You have to like this.

"God, you're so hot," Ian murmured into her mouth. His breath was stale and warm. His lips were touching hers so slightly that it made the hair on her arms stand on end. But she didn't like it. She felt cornered, and her chest felt tight.

"Ian..." she breathed. But he misinterpreted her fear as lust. His mouth moved to her neck, and Anna gasped at the strange feeling. "Hey-" she started to say, but was surprised when another voice broke in.

"Guys, PDA is so not cool," Ethan reminded them, his fingers hooked in the straps of his backpack.

Anna was beyond grateful when Ian stepped back and smirked at Ethan. "Hey, man."

"Hi," Ethan said dryly, not returning the smile. He looked at Anna and nodded toward the parking lot. "Come on," he said.

"Talk to you later," Ian said and pressed his mouth against Anna's one more time.

She couldn't help the way she shied back from his mouth, but Ian didn't notice anyway. Anna wanted to cry or throw up or scream. Maybe all of the above. Why couldn't she be normal? Why couldn't she like this? She nodded and smiled at Ian, but the expression was beyond fake.

Ian frowned a little bit at her. He'd picked up on that.

She wished she could speak. Say something. Make him feel better, she demanded of herself. But she didn't have words. She didn't feel like she was capable of speaking at all. You're making him feel like shit, and he didn't do anything wrong. She just watched Ian walk away, though, feeling shame overtake her as he left.

"Girl, you look like you're about to have a panic attack," Ethan said urgently, stepping closer now that Ian was gone. "Are you okay?"

Anna swallowed and glanced shyly at her friend, then nodded. She still didn't know what to say. She could feel herself retreating, withdrawing... hiding. Like a fucking coward. Why couldn't she be brave? Why couldn't she be a good girlfriend or friend with benefits or whatever? Why couldn't she be normal?

"Anna, seriously, you clearly didn't like that. You don't have to let him feel you up."

For some reason, Ethan's words made her eyes water. But Anna found her voice again. "He's my boyfriend... or whatever," she said by way of explanation. "Anyway, I should go."

"Anna."

She pretended not to see exactly what he was doing– calling her on her bullshit. "What?" she asked innocently.

Ethan looked frustrated, his lips pursed. "Will you at least take a minute to yourself and let yourself freak out? Panic attacks suck, but they suck more if you try and hide 'em."

Anna shook her head. "I'm not having a-" But then she had to tilt her head back with the sudden difficulty of breathing. She exhaled slowly. "Fine," she said shortly. "But I wanna do it alone." She pressed a hand against her stomach and swallowed.

Chill out, her brain commanded. Nothing even happened. You brought this on yourself. You don't get to feel like shit because of something you did to yourself.

Ethan nodded. "Okay, but seriously... you treat yourself like crap already. At least let yourself have a fuckin' panic attack."

Anna had to bite her lip to keep from crying. "Shut up," she joked, and Ethan didn't look amused, but he did smile at her.

"Text me later," he requested, and then he walked away toward the parking lot.

Anna turned so she was facing the building. She could hide like that at least. She didn't have to see anybody, and nobody could look at her either. Her chest felt tighter and tighter. Ethan had been right about one thing: there was no avoiding this feeling without making it worse. So she closed her eyes and focused on it. It hurt, but not like a scratch or a burn. It hurt in a way that Anna couldn't name. It hurt like the question why and the word please. There was no way to make it go away until it had run its course. So she focused on it.

You deserve this. You can't even do one fucking thing for him without making it about yourself. Anna squeezed her eyes shut tighter and tighter. Go away, she begged her own mind. I can't do this right now.

But that was the whole point. There were all these things Anna couldn't do– all these things she couldn't be. If you took out all the things she should be, all that was left was what she was. And what she was... wasn't good enough.

()()()

"Hey, Rugrat."

Anna looked up in surprise when the door to her bedroom swung open. "Knocking exists," she reminded her brother.

"Sorry," Dean said. He came in and grabbed her desk chair. He set it down by her bed and straddled it with his arms resting along its back. "Listen, I wanted to talk to you."

"About what I asked this morning?" Anna asked. "Cause it doesn't need to be a whole thing, you know? I didn't mean anything-"

"Hey, chill out, alright? It's not about that... Well, not really." Dean's voice was so calming, Anna already knew this conversation was better off abandoned.

"Can it wait?" she tried.

"You don't look busy," Dean replied. He gestured to her phone in her hand.

Anna glanced down at the screen. She didn't want anyone seeing what she was looking at, so she didn't bother showing it to Dean to prove that she actually was doing something important. She pressed the lock button on her phone and squirmed a little. "Fine," she said. "What's up?"

Dean looked at her with a mixture of concern and sternness. "I talked to your friend Ethan today."

Anna's eyes widened. "What? When?"

"After school. I was waitin' for you, and he came over. He's worried about you."

It was a surprise, and it stung. Ethan had gone to see her brother while she'd been distracted, having a fucking panic attack. He'd tattled on her. "Why?" Anna snapped.

"You're gettin' defensive already, Anna. That doesn't make me feel better."

"Dean, come on." She was too tired for this. She was too tired to be having an emotional crisis, and she was way too tired to talk to somebody about it. Especially Dean, because Dean was relentless.

He was looking at her appraisingly, his eyes sharp and alert. "Let me finish," he said. "He didn't have to say much. It's not like Sam and me can't see what's goin' on with you and Ian."

Anna reared back a little, her chin dipping toward her chest. She chewed on her bottom lip and buried the fingers of her right hand in her messy hair. She needed a shower, but she had no intention of taking one tonight. "What do you mean?" she asked quietly. For some reason, this topic never failed to make her feel shy.

"I mean he's not good for you," Dean said, leaning in to make his point. He put his hand on her head and mussed her hair a little, then dropped his hand again.

It served to remind Anna that they were on the same team. She looked up, managed to hold her brother's gaze.

"Anna, you can't give that kid everything and not expect anything in return. That's how you get hurt." He laid a hand on her arm and gave it a little shake. "Are you hearin' me, Rugrat?"

"I'm not giving him anything," Anna said, her tone making clear her self-disgust. "Don't you remember?" She looked down, watched her own pale hands shake in her lap. There was a sheet of cold sticking to every inch of her body, like cheeto dust clinging to the skin of your fingers.

"Ethan saw Ian all over you today," Dean said, his voice growing darker. It sounded like a dirty shade of orange, too well hidden to be all the way angry.

Anna looked up in shock and discomfort. "He told you that?"

"That is so not the point. When we talked this morning, you said you weren't gonna do anything you didn't wanna do. Anna, this kid is not good for you."

"It's not his fault," Anna snapped, her body no longer numb and cold. She could feel a warmth building in her chest, but it wasn't comfortable. It felt like a match being struck across her sternum, a spark of such unbearable heat that it was practically like being poked by a sharp object followed by a small flame that would burn itself out in no time. "He probably wouldn't have ever wasted his time on me if he knew I was a fucking freak."

"Do not talk about yourself like that." The violence in Dean's voice was enough to make Anna retreat again. She couldn't blow her own flame out, but it was already halfway down the matchstick. It didn't have much time left. It had been doomed since birth. "You are not a freak. Being his girlfriend does not mean you owe him anything. It means he should treat you like a human being. If the only thing he wants from you is sex, he's not worth a damn."

"I never said that was the only thing he wanted," Anna argued. "I just said it was one thing he wants."

"Anna, you got this idea in your head that that's what he needs to be happy. Like you have to make him happy. You don't." Somewhere along the line, Dean had given up on being gentle. He'd given up on patience and on slow and steady. He was talking with his hands now, his pace picking up, his tone a redder color, and his jaw set. "That little shithead hasn't done anything for you."

"Stop talking about him like he's a monster. He's a kid!"

"So are you!" Dean finally shouted.

Her door was still ajar, and in the deafening silence that filled the room, Anna became keenly aware of the sounds of the bunker. The world was never still. There home was never still. She was never still. Her mind was never still. And, oh, how she wished it were.

"No, I'm not," she said softly. "I'm not a kid, Dean. I'm almost eighteen."

"You just turned seventeen," Dean corrected, quieter but no less frustrated. "You're a kid."

He didn't get it. And Anna didn't want him to. But it still sucked. It still made her want to scream. He was never going to agree with her, because he was never going to understand the way she felt or thought. So he was always going to fight her.

Anna hated herself. Dean loved her.

Maybe it was that simple.

"Anna, I can't make you stop seeing him. I can't deck him, much as I want to. I don't get to choose for you. But I am begging you here– Do what's right for you. Quit thinking about other people's feelings for a minute. Please."

It hurt listening to him, so Anna grit her teeth and looked resolutely away from him. She couldn't tell him yes. She couldn't cut Ian out like that. The most complicated thing about this wasn't the way she felt about herself. It was the way she felt about Ian.

She liked him. She had this hope that once they got past this whole sex thing, there was something good waiting for them. She wanted to reach that. She wanted kisses that were just kisses, hugs that were just hugs, compliments that were just compliments. She wanted to know him and let him know her. She wanted the good part. She wanted the relationship she'd fantasized about.

If she gave Ian what he fantasized about... well, she figured he must want the other stuff too, right? He said he did. But she'd said she wanted to make out today. The fact was, it wasn't fair for her to expect that he was telling the truth about what he wanted anymore than she was about what she wanted. Maybe he was saying those things to appease her too. The difference was that he wasn't giving them to her.

Anna had to face not only her hope, but also her fear; the fear that maybe Ian was never going to be willing or able to give her that. Just like maybe she would never be willing or able to give him what he wanted. Maybe nobody would ever want what she could offer, and maybe nobody would ever look at her and want to give her the kind of love she desired. She knew she was weird. Different. But she'd always been different. The scary part wasn't the fact that she was ace. It was the questions that followed that discovery.

"Anna," Dean pleaded.

She looked up to meet his eyes again. It was painful, but she made herself sit in that pain. "Dean," she started. But she didn't have a way to finish that sentence. So she gave up. She sighed, and she shook her head. "Can I just think?" she requested.

She knew Dean would let her, and he did. He got up, tense in his shoulders and his jaw and his freaking eyes, all of it visible and all of it Anna's fault, and he walked out into the hallway.

Anna inhaled deeply and released it in a long, shaky exhale. She was exhausted. And she still had to talk to Ian when he called her later. Which meant she still had to prepare herself for that conversation. Which meant she had some research to do.

()()()

She tried Reddit. Tumblr. Instagram. Pinterest. Google. Yahoo. Every other search engine and social media site she'd ever touched or even heard of. She learned a lot.

You could be asexual/aromantic, which meant you had no desire to have sex or to have a romantic relationship. But even in that case, you could want to have a platonic life partner.

You could be gray-asexuel or graysexual– wanting sex sometimes and not others. Or demisexual– wanting sex only after you got to know a person very well.

Some asexual people were sex-repulsed– meaning they found sex disgusting. Others were sex positive and didn't have an issue with it. They might even have sex and find it pleasurable but just didn't experience sexual attraction to other people.

It was fascinating. All of it. Anna had felt terribly lonely in the first moment she'd found the word. But now... there were plenty of people out there experiencing what she was. In a lot of different ways. She wasn't alone. She was in good company.

But that didn't help her much now, because all the strangers on the internet couldn't explain this to the people in Anna's life for her. They couldn't gather around her while she told her family and friends about her discovery and provide living proof that she wasn't making this up.

You could be aromantic but not asexual. Or asexual but not aromantic.

Anna figured she was the latter. She wanted kisses and hugs and cuddles and all the gushy romantic stuff. She just didn't want sex.

She watched videos of people who were ace and/or aro talking about their experiences dating or discovering their sexuality. She learned that straight people didn't have a great track record of treating their asexual partners well. It made her feel lucky to have Ian. But it also made her feel a sense of dread build in her stomach. Some of the things these people were talking about... they were the types of things Ian did.

When Ian had first asked about sex, Anna had said she didn't really want to. His response had been, I know it seems weird at first. But try it and you'll like it. I've never done it either, but I'm willing to try it.

When he had first sent Anna an explicit picture and she'd asked him not to do it again, he'd said, Literally everyone does this. Are you saying I'm gross? Girls like this stuff.

She'd thought that was just how boys were. But she was beginning to wonder if maybe... maybe this was just how Ian was. Regardless, she hoped they could work through it. She still remembered when Ian had first asked her out. He'd been shy and awkward and kinda cute. They had good times together now too. It was just overshadowed by all this uncomfortable shit.

Once she explained it to him, Ian would understand. He would back off. They would figure out how to make things work, and maybe they could figure out a way that they were both getting what they needed out of this relationship. That was the healthy way, right? Everyone on this reddit page said so.

"Okay," Anna said out loud to herself after two full hours of research. "I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty close."

The question was whether she was ready to explain this to Ian. To her friends and her family. Or maybe the question was whether those people were ready to hear her explanation. Anna was an expert, but Ian definitely wasn't. Kate probably knew the word, but Anna doubted she was all that familiar with the ace spectrum either.

Anna scrolled idly through one last social media page dedicated to asexuality. Its profile picture was a pride flag– purple, white, gray, and black. That was Anna's flag now, she supposed. She'd have to show it to Kate.

Kate. Kate had always been one of the most supportive people in Anna's life. Even when she was making unquestionably shitty decisions, Kate stood by her and believed in her. Sure, sometimes she stood there and told Anna she was being an idiot. But she stayed by her. Anna only hoped Kate wouldn't think this whole thing was stupid.

From what she'd read, asexuality was sometimes contested even in queer spaces. She felt guilty for believing that Kate might call her a liar, but she couldn't help the fear in her gut. What if?

And what about the boys? Anna had always figured that if she realized she was gay or bi or pan or whatever... she could tell them. She'd known that because they had friends who were gay or bi. She talked openly about her friends being queer. Never once had an inconsiderate word come from one of her brothers' mouths. They took it all in stride.

But this... this wasn't exactly mainstream. She doubted either Sam or Dean had ever heard the word asexual let alone knew what it meant and the intricacies of it. And she was scared to try and explain it. What if they thought she was being naive? What if they tried to tell her she was just a late bloomer? Anna had a feeling in her gut that this word she'd found was the right one. But she knew herself well enough to know that she would throw her self-understanding away in a heartbeat if one of the people she loved most in the world told her she was being ridiculous.

She hadn't even begun thinking about how Ian might take it when her phone began to ring.

"Fuck," Anna grumbled. "Shit."

She closed the app she'd had open and tapped on the phone call. She stared at Ian's picture for a few seconds, trying to take a deep breath. It was fruitless. She was panicking. She hit the green button and pressed her phone against her ear. She looked up to double and triple check that her bedroom door was securely closed.

"Hi," Anna said shyly. "How was practice?"

"It sucked," Ian said dramatically. "I missed every pass, I swear. It was awful."

"Sorry. But, hey, you're gonna rock this season."

"Sure," Ian snorted. "You okay?"

"What?" Anna asked quickly. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you said you wanted to talk. Sounds kinda serious to me."

"Right," she said. "Yeah." She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "I, um, I found something out today."

"Okay," Ian laughed. "Like what? That there's some guy at school who's hotter than me?"

"No, Ian," Anna said playfully and rolled her eyes. "I found out something about myself."

"I can already tell this is gonna be super deep. Let me put on my brown pants."

"That joke has never been funny," Anna played along. But then her expression dulled again. "I'm serious, though, okay? This means a lot to me."

"Oh boy," Ian said.

"Ian. I'm serious."

"Sor-ry," he said like she was being dramatic. "I thought we were flirting."

They had been, but how hard was it to listen when she asked him to be serious? Anna stamped down on her anger and took another breath. "So, I've been thinking about what you said, right? About having..." She checked again to make sure her door was really shut. "Sex."

"Really?" Ian asked, his voice rising a little. That had clearly perked him up.

"You're such a boy," Anna said and rolled her eyes again. "Yeah. But... But I realized that... that I..." Here goes nothing. "I don't want to."

There was a long silence. "Yet?" Ian asked.

Anna bit the inside of her bottom lip. "Well... I guess I don't know."

Why the fuck had she said that? She knew. She absolutely knew. She'd spent two hours researching the ins and outs of this thing. She was sure that this was her. She'd listened to people who identified this way talk about their experiences, and she'd related so closely that she'd started crying twice. She was sure. And here she was fucking lying. Again.

"That's not true," she said. "I do know. I- I don't want to have sex."

Ian was quiet for a little longer this time. "Well, did I do something wrong?" he asked, clearly hurt.

"No!" Anna assured him quickly. "No! It's not you at all. It's- It's me. I'm just... I'm... I found out today-" God, this was so hard. Why was it so hard? "I'm asexual."

Somehow the silence seemed to drag on even longer this time. And Anna swore she spent the entirety of it holding her breath.

"Ian?" she finally asked, her voice so small it almost ceased to exist.

"Asexual," Ian repeated dumbly.

"Yeah. It's... It means I don't experience sexual attraction. It's not you. It's me. I... I don't want sex. Ever. With anyone."

"What, so you're breaking up with me?" Ian asked, his voice rising again, this time in something akin to confused anger.

"No!" Anna said again. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm still... I still wanna date. I still want to be with you. I just don't want the sex part."

"Anna, that's what dating in high school is. If you don't like me then just say that."

"Ian, that's not it."

"But-"

"Will you just let me explain it?" Anna requested. "Please."

"Fine," Ian said. "I'm sorry. I'll listen."

"Thank you," Anna said, feeling the smallest measure of relief.

For a second, she forgot everything she'd just learned, and her mouth moved soundlessly around unknown syllables. But the moment passed, and it all came back. She swallowed around the dryness of her throat and started to talk. She told Ian everything she'd learned. She explained it like this was a presentation her final grade depended on in a class she was failing– very thoroughly and without swearing.

When she was done, Ian was quiet for a while again.

"So... now what do you think?" Anna asked hopefully.

"I need to think about it," Ian said.

Anna couldn't read his tone, and it unnerved her. He was quiet. She could have sworn there was disappointment in there somewhere, but she was so anxious about this whole thing that she couldn't be sure she hadn't made that up. The last thing she wanted to do was project onto Ian without giving him a chance to have his own reaction.

He wasn't asking for much after all.

"You wanna meet in the morning?" Anna asked. "At the cafe?"

Ian seemed to be speaking through his teeth when he said, "Sure. I'll see you then."

"Okay," Anna nearly whispered. Before she'd even finished out the word, she heard the telltale click of the phone hanging up.

That... hadn't gone as she'd hoped.

()()()

"Kate," Anna said into her friend's voicemail box. "Call me back. I have to tell you something, and I'm weirdly nervous how you're gonna react. And if you don't react well, I'm gonna probably throw myself off a cliff, because I can't do this. I'm freaking out. I love you. I hope you get this soon. Bye."

She'd left Kate plenty of chaotic messages over the years, but that one right there had to take the cake.

She thought about calling Ethan. But it was just about six, so he would be having dinner with his family.

That left her with only two people left to tell. And she had to do it now, or she would lose her nerve. So Anna stood up from her bed and opened her bedroom door.

"Now or never," she reminded herself. But then she caught her mind dwelling on the word never. "Now," she said instead. "I gotta do this now."

()()()

It was quiet. The kitchen was lit by a blue glow from the lights in the ceiling, and there was a warmth to it from the oven which still had their dinner inside of it. But it was so quiet when Anna walked in that she almost walked right back out.

She was always walking into rooms and poking too hard at their atmosphere. She was always breaking the air like an antique vase left precariously on the edge of a table. Fortunately for her, though, Sam saw her, and he knocked the vase of the table so that she didn't have to.

"Hey, Ladybug."

"Hey," Anna murmured.

The boys were sitting across from each other, playing some sort of card game. There was a newspaper discarded on the table beside them, and they each had an open beer in front of them.

"I gotta tell you guys something," she said. For some reason it suddenly felt like she'd still been the one to shatter the vase. Maybe it was because the air felt different in the wake of her statement.

"Is it that history paper?" Sam asked her.

Anna's eyes widened. She'd forgotten about that, but she doubted her brothers– especially Sam– were happy that she hadn't turned in so much as a paragraph.

"Don't worry about that," Sam continued, though. "I got an email from your teacher. He said he considered it, and you could have extra time."

Ugh. Now she had to do the assignment. And she had to have this conversation.

"I mean, cool, but... But it's something else."

"Okay, well, sit down then, Runt," Dean said and pulled out the chair next to his. "And quit lookin' like you're about to get eaten by wild dogs, would ya?"

Anna tried for a smile in return as she sat down, but now that she was really in this, she could feel her heart picking up the pace. It was hard to do anything but clench her jaw and frown when her nervous system was on such high alert. "So, I figured something out today," she said. "About myself. And it's... I wasn't... I mean I didn't expect it."

Sam was giving her an odd look. Like he could sense her discomfort and felt sorry for her but also like he wished she would stop being so cryptic.

Dean bumped her socked foot with his boot-clad one. "You about to say you're a genius? Cause we know all that."

"Shut up," Anna muttered bashfully. She let her hair fall to cover her face as she looked down at her hands in her lap. "It's... I mean... I'm not straight."

Sam suddenly breathed a sigh of relief, bigger even than he did at the end of most hunts.

"What?" Anna asked, still nervous. She hadn't gotten to the part that concerned her yet.

"I thought you were gonna say you were pregnant," Sam admitted, snorting at himself now for believing such a thing.

"Ew," Anna said. "No." She shuddered just thinking about what it would feel like to be pregnant. Having a literal person inside of her... no thank you. "No, but– But like I'm not just gay," she said. "I'm ace. Asexual."

"Oh," Sam said. He looked at Dean, so Anna did too.

"It just means... I don't feel sexual attraction. I did some research and it... it fits. I know it's weird. I know it sounds made up. I-"

"Hey, hang on. Hang on," Dean urged her, holding a hand up in a gesture for her to stop rambling. "Who's sayin' that?"

Ian. "No one. But..." She didn't have anything to say, so Anna just trailed off. She looked sheepishly between her brothers, waiting for somebody to say something. The quiet was back, but it wasn't inviting, and she wished like hell that somebody would break that damn vase already.

"Anna, you're not weird. And no one thinks you're makin' it up," Dean told her before she had to wait too long.

Anna wasn't sure whether he was just saying that or he really meant it. She bit her lip, remembering Ian's reaction. If you don't like me, then just say that. "You really don't think I made it up?" she asked.

"Of course not," Sam told her like the mere suggestion was ridiculous. Maybe it was.

Who would make this up? Who would do all this– the difficult conversations, the self-consciousness– for something that wasn't real? Who would pretend to be asexual when being anything but straight meant dealing with a whole mess of problems that you wouldn't have had to face otherwise?

"So... you wanna explain this thing to me?" Sam asked her hopefully. "Cause honestly I haven't heard of it before."

Anna's eyes suddenly started to water, and her chin dimpled. What the hell? Since when did she start crying in the middle of an ordinary conversation? She didn't even know if the tears were from relief that the boys were taking her truth at face value, or if they were from the realization that maybe Ian was being a jerk about this whole thing– maybe Dean and Kate and Sam and Ethan were all right about him.

"Sure," she said with a rasp in her voice.

"Hey, why are you crying?" Dean asked, moving to the edge of his seat like he wanted to get up and fight something. He leaned down so he could see her face when she looked down at her lap and used her hair as a shield again.

Just his question made Anna cry for real, though. She choked out a small sound that instantly made her feel embarrassed. "Sorry," she murmured and rubbed her eyes with her palms. "It's just... I don't know... I was really nervous."

"Come on," Dean said lightly. "It's just us." He finally squatted in front of her chair and gave her a goofy smile that Anna couldn't help but return, though her wet eyes made her smile look almost sad. "Come here," Dean invited and stood up, his arms outstretched.

Dean Winchester didn't go around offering free hugs to just anyone. In fact, Anna was just about the only person on the planet who got multiple hugs a day from this guy. This one was extra special, though.

Anna stood up and wrapped her arms tight around his waist, her face buried in his shoulder. She pulled herself together, hard as it was, while she had the shield of her brother to hide behind. She felt silly for crying and even sillier for having been so damn nervous. Dean was right after all. It was just the boys. There'd never been anything to worry about. But that didn't change the relief in Anna's stomach now that this was over.

It didn't change the knot still there over the date she had with Ian tomorrow either, though.

She pulled back from Dean and looked at Sam. It almost looked like his eyes were damp. "I'll send you a link?" she offered and gave him this surface smile that said thank you thank you thank you.

Sam smiled back at her and stood up. "I better be getting a hug too."

Anna stepped around the table and tucked herself against Sam. He was wearing his purple and black flannel, one of the softest ones he had, and Anna could feel the material brushing the skin of her cheek as she turned her head sideways and rested it against Sam's chest. She always felt small in the best way when she hugged Sam. He was so big and gentle and safe, and she was so much in need of all those things.

()()()

Anna on the floor with her back against her bedroom door. She'd found it in herself to take a shower– and actually wash and condition her hair– after her conversation with the boys. So her damp curls lay of the shoulders of a worn Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and her bare feet were partially covered by a soft pair of flannel pajama pants.

"Katie," she said softly into the phone. "I'm ace."

"I've heard of that," Kate said. "Isn't it, like, when you don't want sex with dudes or chicks?"

Anna smiled, her eyes watering again. Damn, how many times could a girl cry in one day? "Yeah," she replied. "Pretty much."

"I'll research it," Kate promised. "You okay? You sounded kinda freaked out earlier in your message."

"Yeah," Anna said quietly. "I'm okay now. I hadn't told Sam and Dean yet when I called you earlier, and I'm a lot calmer now."

"How'd it go?"

"Really well. Better than I ever would've thought."

"That's amazing," Kate said sweetly. She sounded really happy, and it made Anna's heart swell.

Sometimes she wondered what she'd ever done to deserve Kate. Or the boys or Ian or anyone. She was a little piece of shit, and she knew that, and yet all these people showered her with love every time she needed it. It was miraculous.

"Kate, you're pretty much perfect. Did you know that?"

"Obviously," Kate joked and giggled.

"Good," Anna said with her smile showing in her voice.

"So are you," Kate told her. "Like seriously, it's not fair how perfect you are."

"Stop," Anna said playfully and rolled her eyes. "I wanna tell Ethan tonight," she said then. "Then I'm done and I'm gonna sleep for a year. Or I would if I didn't have chronic insomnia," she joked. Of course, she wouldn't really be done anyway. Sure, she would be done except for the whole thing with Ian. But she wasn't about to tell Kate that. She knew what her friend's response would be. Dump him, he's a dick.

"I saw him at school when I left."

"Damn, he was there that late?"

"He's freakishly popular, which is funny because he hates everyone but us. Anyway, though, he told me he was going home soon."

"So he's probably home now," Anna deduced.

"Let me know what he says. I'm sure he'll be his usual soft-boy self."

Anna smirked. "Well, if he isn't, I know you'll kick his ass for me."

"Absolutely, I will," Kate said firmly. "Stay perfect."

"You too."

Anna sighed in something like relief and leaned her head back against her door to look up at the ceiling. It was exhausting having all these important conversations in one freaking day. But, hey. Three down. One to go.

"Hey, bud," she said when Ethan picked up.

"Hey, you okay? You never texted me."

"Oh shit sorry," Anna said. She'd totally forgotten with everything that had been going on. "I had a crisis," she chuckled, hoping she would be forgiven.

"It's fine," Ethan said easily. "I'm glad you're better. Or you sound better at least."

"Yeah, a lot better. Thanks for earlier. I hate to say it, but you were right. I don't like when he feels me up. But for the record, I consented. So it's not his fault."

"You're defending Ian?" Ethan deadpanned. "I'm shocked."

"Shut up," Anna groaned. "I wanted to tell you something."

"Aight. What?"

Anna shuffled her feet against the floor and nearly shivered with how cold it was. She curled her toes and moved so she was sitting on her feet, her back still to the door. She had a knot in her stomach, but she didn't think it had anything to do with Ethan. It had been there all day. Hell, it had been there for months.

"I'm ace," Anna said quickly. Cool, now it was sort of over with.

"Oh. Yeah, I mean, I figured."

Anna's jaw dropped without her permission. "What?"

"I mean, you always get a little weird about sexual stuff. And I've never seen you check anyone out. Like ever. I kinda figured you were probably ace."

"Dude. You couldn't have told me," Anna laughed. "I've been so stressed about this since I was like fifteen."

"Sorry, man, I didn't realize you were so concerned. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just your sexuality."

"Well, I'm glad you feel that way," Anna said and smiled to herself. "Not that I was worried."

"I hope not. I'm not some kind of prick," Ethan told her. "I'm a total angel."

"Sure," Anna teased. "We'll go with that. Look, I'm exhausted. I've come out to like a million people today," she huffed a little laugh. But that knot was still there in her stomach. "I'm gonna try and sleep."

"Dope," Ethan said. "I'll probably see you this weekend."

"Probably."

"Cool."

"Bye, dude."

"Okay, byeeeee," Ethan said in his best cutesy voice.

Anna shook her head as she hung up. Guy was a weirdo, but she wouldn't trade him for the world.

She stood up and moved over to her bed where she face planted and had to fight to breathe through the pillow her face was buried in. She was so far beyond tired, and her stomach hurt, and she had to talk to Ian in the morning. It was doubtful that she would even be able to sleep with all of this parading around in her brain.

She rolled over onto her back to avoid suffocating herself in her pillow and stared at the ceiling.

Seemingly out of nowhere, her body jerked with a sob. She tried to inhale a calming breath, but it only fueled her tears. She didn't have the energy to fight her feelings anymore, and she certainly didn't have the energy to analyze them.

So Anna rolled onto her side, hugged her pillow to her chest, and cried.

La Fin