[Chapter 8]

“That’s my boy.” My father whispers, his lips grazing over my ear, his breath tinging my nose. He laughs at nothing in particular as he reaches into his side pocket.

I watch in utter and complete silence as he pulls out something and it glitters in the dim light. A blade. My throat closes up and I find it hard to breathe when he pulls it closer to my face. It’s so close that I can feel the prick before it even touches me.

“It’s a beauty isn’t it?” Dad rolls it around in his fingers, “Got it just today actually, shame it’ll be getting dirty already.”

Without any sign my shirt’s pulled over my head and used to tie my hands behind my back tightly. I struggle against his grip as he traces every muscle in my arm and stomach. He presses the tip in deeper, enough to draw blood and leave a scar but not enough to need stitches. I groan in pain and grind my teeth together.

I rock slightly to distract myself from my pain and roll my head back to look at the roof. My face creases as he continues, the pain overpowering everything. Everything but the sheer anger towards my ‘friends’. It’s their fault I’m in this situation. It’s their fault I’m being cut up like a no good animal. The anger quickly drains away, becoming nothing more than disappointment. It’s my fault. I should have seen that they didn’t really love me.

“Now everyone can see that you’re worthless.” My dad says, moving back to appreciate his handy work. “Nothing.”

My eyes close as my dad leaves the room, the door slamming behind him. I lay there, my muscles slowly going numb. I force my eyes open before I can fully fall asleep and with difficulty I shuffle my hands from the make shift cuffs. My shirt falls away and I roll over onto my stomach, crying out in pain as more glass pierces my skin.

My mouth falls open, trying to breathe through the twinging pain. For a second later I lay there before carefully getting to my feet. Luckily my feet are glass free. I leisurely walk into the bathroom, body dazed.

It feels like hours before I finally reach the small vanilla scented room. Using my hands I support my body against the sink. I keep my eyes tightly shut, petrifying what will be in front of me. I catch my breath and gradually open my eyes.

Nothing.

It’s backwards in the mirror but there’s no denying that’s what it says, stained red against my skin. Drops of blood roll down the bottom of every letter and disappear into the material of my pants. I shake my head and turn away, head in my hands. I want to cry but my eyes are too dry, throat too sore, pain too great.

I switch the shower on and without caring how warm… or how cold, I get in under the large spray of water. It caresses my skin as a mother does a child. My eyes close and I relax my body. I hadn’t bothered to strip from my pants, I’m throwing them out anyway.

Without thinking too much about it I reach my hands back and use the shower mirror to seek the pieces of glass sticking from my skin like sores. One by one I pull them each out, a stream of blood following moments later. I try to cry out but no sound leaves my lips.

When I’m sure they’re all gone my arms fall back to my side and a heavy weight forces my shoulders to sink. Shortly after my whole body follows and I fall onto the bottom of the shower, curling into myself on my side. I close my eyes and let the coldness of my body rock me to sleep, red water running around me and down the drain. What’s left of my heart following.

~@~

It’s the warmness that wakes me. It heats up my body slowly but then changes to a fierce burning. My eyes snap open and I flip myself out of the shower, my hands running over my body for signs of damage while my mind clears up where I am.

I’m still in my bathroom, water flowing from the shower like nothing happened. I place a hand over my pained forehead, pulling my hand back instantly. Even though the water was freezing cold and it’s in the dead of winter my head is boiling with deep persistent thudding in the back of my skull.

I stand on numb legs with the help of the wall and glance into my room. The alarm clock by my bed reads ‘9:36’ I swear slightly under my breath and strip off the wet layer of clothing. As fast as my numb body allows I get changed and run down to the car.

On the way to school I notice how much pain it brings to breathe in and out. Now even the simplest things have turned into the hardest.  I guess nothing can go right for me.

Moments later I pull up in the car park and drag my bag onto my back, wincing as a deep feeling hits the new tender scars. I’m not sure how long they’ll take to heal but even when they do there will always be a scar there in the long run, reminding me that I’m nothing. Not that I need reminding.

I shuffle into the empty halls and towards my first lesson. The second the door’s open every head turns my way, including Floyd and Drew who both glare at me. I ignore them and sit as far from them as I can, ignoring the teachers squeaky voice as she yells at me for being 40 minutes late for her lesson.

Eventually she caves in with my silence and carries on with her history lesson. Now school can go by normally, well… as normally as it can be.

Classes pass by quickly and uneventfully, before I know it it’s lunch. I make my way to my locker slowly, alone. A couple of people wave politely but I pay them no attention. They can do more than wave silly hellos or goodbyes. I skip out on lunch and instead make my way to the library, surprised when I find it completely empty. I shrug it off and move to a corner furthest from the door.

I sigh and lean back against the wall, relaxing my tense and sore muscles. My body’s still hot and small droplets of sweat roll down the tips of my hair. My mind takes me through memory after memory, Floyd and Drew. People I thought I knew but I guess even the ones closest to you can’t be trusted.

It’s like what my dad said, I’m nothing and no one will or has ever loved me. It’s the painful heart wreaking truth but now it’s out there and the lies can’t hurt me. Not near as much as the truth already has.

I don’t normally let myself believe what my dad says but I can see now that everything he’s ever said to me was the truth. If Floyd and Drew really did care about me they wouldn’t have walked straight out the door without even a glance back.

That’s where I belong, in the back, the darkness. I don’t need reminding that that’s where I belong, I can see it myself. I’d never live up to anyone’s expectations, I’ll never find someone who would look for me in the black ooze I call my life.

Constant thoughts and memories replay in my head like a movie played in front of millions. They may see it, except… I’m the only one who can feel it.

~@~

I walk silently into the dark classroom. The blinds are drawn and the lights are off. Mr Alister isn’t in sight. Ignoring the blackness I take a seat in the back of the room so Mr Alister can’t see the hurt in my eyes or see the way I cradle my hurting body.

All day I’d been thinking of whether to come here or not but it seemed better off than getting suspended and a beating from my dad, one that I’m sure my body wouldn’t survive. It’s already on its way to giving up on itself and falling down and if I’m in another moment like last night I don’t think I can walk away from it as easily, or at all in that matter.

Minutes later the door opens and Mr Alister comes in carrying two boxes that come above his head. Any other day I would have jumped at the chance to help him but I don’t have it in me. I’m going to be doing this as a strictly student teacher relationship from now on, I’ve given up on ever finding love and that works out just fine for me.

He places them on his desk and flips on the lights. I blink a couple of times to adjust my eyes to the lighting before placing them back on him. Turning around, he catches sight of me and he jumps more than I’d ever seen anyone jump.

He glares at me slightly, “God, what are you doing here?” He asks, his voice softer then the rock hard glare, “You scared the skin off me.”

I don’t offer a reply and he sighs as he sits back behind his desk, hands outstretched in front of him. I keep mine safely under the table, out of sight. “Look, if this is about what happe-”

“Don’t.” I say quietly. He hears it however and freezes. “Save it for someone who cares. I get it, I’m your student, you’re my teacher. Can’t happen.” It takes everything in me not to leave the room then and there.

I press a hand to the scars on my torso, forcing the pain to remind me that I’m nothing. That no one wants or even needs me in the least bit. “Reign it’s n-”

“I said I don’t care.” I try to say angrily but it comes out drained and weak.

He stares at me like he’s seeing someone entirely different before blinking and looking down at his hands. Mine firmly on the marks. He nods and looks up to meet my eyes. “Very well, I’ve got some work for you to do anyway.” He says, pulling out a spatula shaped object. “Cleaning gum from under the tables and chairs.”

~@~

I open the door quietly and step inside, pausing a meter in. I listen intently for any sort of sound but none ring through the house at all. Figuring it’s safe I walk deeper into the house, my footsteps echoing throughout the rooms.

Making my way upstairs I’m about to open my door when there’s a sound from the other side. I stop and lean my ear against the door trying to hear who it is but catch nothing that gives it away. A moment later I rip the door open to pounce on them but they’ve already gone. Nothing’s left but the open window, the thin blue curtains blowing in the slight breeze.

I lean out and look down, seeing nothing but a silhouette turning the corner in the distance. I shout out to them but they don’t stop, not surprising me.

I curse under my breath and slam the window shut. I strip down to my boxers and curl up in bed under all the sheets and blankets. My breath evens out and my heart beat becomes a soft constant drumming sound in my ears, singing me to sleep.

~@~

What seems like minutes later I’m woken from yelling downstairs and then footsteps coming up the stairs. I pull the blanket over my head, willing their steps away but my movement shatters when they stop just outside my door. I forgot to turn the light out so when I pull my head from the bundle of sheets the light pierces my eyes like looking directly into the sun.

I sit up in bed, pained and tense. As the sleepiness washes off I register the doorhandle turning. I watch on with fearful eyes. Regretting what’s about to happen. I wince when there’s a loud knock on the door and the handle flings back to its original state.

“Reign, open this God damn door this instant!” His voice yells thick and deep through the silence. “I swear if it’s not open in ten seconds there’ll be hell to pay.”

Another loud bang. I jump every time his fist hits the wooden door with an ear-splitting bang. Gunshots is what it sounds like. “Leave me alone dad.” I call out in a flimsy voice.

The knocks stop and chills run down my spine. “What did you say boy?!” He growls on the other side.

I don’t answer and the knocking starts again, louder and more persistent this time. “OPEN THE DOOR!” He yells, his voice deeper than usual.

I yelp and jump, my body shaking with the nerves. I pull the blanket higher on my body, trying to return back to my sleep. I lie on my side and curl up into a tight ball as fists continue to blow. Tears escape my eyes, running rivers down my cheeks. I bite my lip hard to stop from crying out but every now and again a sob escapes.

My body continues to shake from nothing but the fear that he’s going to get me sooner or later. Dirty blonde hair falls into view and I hold my eyes tightly closed, not wanting to see anything but the darkness. Maybe someone will reach out and help me, but I highly doubt it.

~@~

I pull the car up at school and people offer waves and warm smiles again. On my way to the front doors I catch sight of Tex with the group of his two friends. I offer him a smile but he continues to laugh while his eyes meet mine and something twists in my stomach. The corner of his mouth turns up into something entirely different than last night, something menacing and snake like.

Only then do I see that people are moving off together towards something inside. I continue forwards but am stopped with two hands, one connected to an angry Floyd and the other to a grim looking Drew.

Floyd’s the first one to speak. “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.” He turns and glares at someone behind me but I don’t turn to see the others reaction.

I send a sour look to Floyd who looks hurt for a second before masking it. “Who are you to tell me what to do?” I nearly yell.

He simply shakes his head and removes his hand. “I can’t stop you, I’m just warning you. You should go home… right now.”

Ignoring him I walk into the school doors and turn the following corner. Most of the school stands around looking up at the announcements screen that holds a familiar picture. I walk closer to get a better look, when the people at the back see who’s trying to get through shocked looks fill their faces and eyes and they part like a sea. Soon after everyone’s following and I’m standing at the very front, everyone’s individual gazes on me.

I blink to try and make sense of the image on the screen. It’s a familiar place, a place I see almost every day, my bedroom. What is just a video on a screen from these people is a memory for me. That’s when the yelling starts in the film and all I can do is stare blankly at it as last night’s events play out one after the other.

As if sensing what’s about to happen many people throughout the crowd begin to laugh and nudge me when I started crying, curled up. Words are thrown around as insults and soon I feel the tears building up in the back of my mind. Teachers also gather around, wondering what’s happening but none of them bother to stop it. I place a hand over my mouth to stop my lips shaking.

More names are called, more laughter, more pain. Nudges, pokes, punches. Stares, judging, disappointed looks.

That’s not the worst part though, the worst part is when the image fades and voices so clear to me replace it.

‘I sigh, there’s no getting myself out of this now. I practically just dug my own grave. “I just… wanted to have a glimpse of how people would react when I told them about me.” I say, “Being gay.”

His eyes go wide and he turns his body to face me, “You’re gay?!” He nearly yells and I quickly shh him. He looks around before leaning in closer, “You. Are gay.” He whispers the statement.

I nod, there’s no denying it now. A sour taste fills up my mouth and instantly I wish I could take it all back. I was so caught up in telling someone that I never thought about who I was really telling it to. Just because I know a few more things about his doesn’t mean he’s my friend and I can trust him.

He turns back to the front and his body sinks slightly before he shakes his head. “Please don’t tell anyone.” I say, “About anything.”’

The screen turns off and that’s when people back away, when whispers start and fingers are pointed. The first tear falls down my face, falling onto the tiled floor loudly. Dirty looks are thrown towards me and all I can think to do at that moment is run.

I run although my body denies it. I run straight past Floyd and Drew, Tex and his dogs. I reach my car quickly and pull out of the park just as fast, if not faster. I keep driving without an intention to stop. The laughter following me no matter how far or fast I drive. The tears spill from my eyes quickly. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known something wasn’t right when Tex didn’t punch me under that bridge. I’m so dumb.

Furiously I wipe my eyes with the back of my sleeve. There’s no point in crying over it now, crying doesn’t achieve anything.

~@~

I keep driving until the sun’s sinking behind the mountains and the night animals come out. The window’s rolled down to let the gushing wind push me back in my seat. The smell of rain and wet grass meeting my nose powerfully.

As I’m driving over an abandoned road I stop the car and lean back in the chair, listening to the sounds around me that’s impossible to hear in a busy town.

I pick up my phone and turn the screen on. I have over 100 messages from people I know and ones I don’t. I flip through the messages quickly. I close my eyes as more messages come. Words like ‘Fag’ and ‘Queer’ ringing through the air.

Suddenly the once calm night air is thick and hard to swallow. It gets caught in my throat and forces me to choke. I stumble out of the car and fall to my hands and knees, throwing up everything in my stomach. The smell of blood tingles my nose and I shine the light from my phone on the road. The place where I threw up is red with thick blood.

I stand up carefully and spit the taste of blood out of my mouth. My phone rings causing me to jump, ‘Dad’ the screen flashes. I breath heavily and answer the phone.

“Where are you?!” He screams loudly into the phone, false worry coating his deep voice. “Your mother and I are worried sick about you!”

“As if!” I yell back. “You’ve never worried about me so who are you trying to trick?”

“Listen you little bastard, you come home right now and I won’t hurt you more for not coming!” He hisses, the cover in his voice leaving to show his true self.

Before I can answer there’s a beep. I throw the phone at a tree and it bursts into tiny pieces. Unconsciously I grind my teeth together. Getting back in the car I hold the wheel so tightly my knuckles turn pale white. I start the car and continue down the road, faster than last time.

Mum and dad, my ‘family’. Drew and Floyd, my ‘friends’. Owen, my ‘teacher’. Me, what am I to myself. How do I think of myself? It’s a question I’ve never bothered answering even though it’s the most important.

I don’t think anything of myself. I’m not special, I’m not smart, I’m not good, I’m not anything. I’m just another person that wouldn’t matter in the end. I’m just another nothing.

The second that thought comes to mind a truck horn pierces the night like a nightmare. I don’t feel anything as it hits the side of my car. I don’t think about anything as glass flies through the air. I don’t care about anything as my mind goes black. I’m just glad it’s all over.