[Chapter 7]

I crack my eyes open slightly and my heart jumps slightly when I notice it’s dark, not that anyone would care. No one’s at home waiting for me with worried tears, no one’s praying that I’m okay, I’m alone and that’s how it’s always going to be. I bet not even Drew and Floyd know that I’m missing.

Using my elbows I push myself up into a sitting position against the inside of the bridge. A loud sound thunders over the road as a car drives overhead and disappears into the distance. If I listen closely, behind my heart beat and irregular breathing I can hear the sounds of cars horns, shouts and cheers erupt through the darkness.

I breathe in deeply, the cold winter air stinging my lungs. With all the strength I have left in my numb body I push myself up slightly, using the bridge to hold my weight. I wince the very minute my foot touches the rough ground. Pain rushes up my leg like electric shocks and pull me back to the ground. My face screws up in pain as I push my back against the cement again.

Why is everything so goddamn hard?! I want to cry out into the pointless night but instead I angrily wipe the stones from my hands and lean my head back against the wall. Slowly my heart returns to its former beat and my breathing calms. I sigh and close my eyes. What am I going to do with myself? I’m a wreck.

Long moments later I hear footsteps approaching me, or the bridge, however I don’t open my eyes. They stop barely a meter in front of me.

“If you’re going to rob me I have no money.” I growl. They could kill me for all I care, for all anyone cares.

“Now why would I do that?” They hiss back. “Although it sounds so pleasing I’ll have to pass this time up.”

My eyes snap open to face a familiar sight. “W-what are you doing here?” I stutter over my words more than I would like.

He rolls his eyes, “I live a few houses up and saw someone stumbling under here, figured they were drunk off their tits and decided to let them be.” Tex says, “Saw them pass out and then they woke, tried and failed to stand and I came to see if everything was alright.”

“Do you regret it?” I ask, watching him stand there drawing his foot in the ground.

“Huh?” He says, meeting my eyes for a split second.

“If you had have known it was me would you have come?”

He seems to think it through before shaking his head, “I would have come no matter what,” He sighs and freezes, before moving and sliding down the wall beside me.

“Why?” I reply, “Why help me when I did that?” Through the thin street lights bearing down here I can make out the blackened bruised skin.

He sighs and leans his head back, closing his eyes. “I’m not mad at you for this, I deserved it anyway.” Tex turns his head to the side and looks me in the eyes. “I shouldn’t have said what I did to Byron, I guess… I’m just,” He tumbles through the words in his mind, “Scared.”

My heart speeds up, trying to push as much blood through my body as it can. Trying and failing to keep my body warm. “Why would you be scared?” I ask, ignoring everything else he said, it’s true. He shouldn’t have said what he did.

“I have everything to be scared of.” He growls and looks away, frustrated. Pulling slightly and his down cast hair he answers, “Getting a scholarship is one of them. You’ve always been better than me, always first in everything and here I am, living in your shadow. I mean, no one notices the second place! You don’t know what it’s like.” He whispers the last sentence so quietly I’m not sure if he meant for me to hear it or not.

“I do know what it’s like.” I whisper quietly, scared to break the comfort.

“No, you don’t!” He yells loudly, the words carrying more than they should have. “You don’t know what it’s like walking in someone elses shadow, all day every day.”

Looking at the boy in front of me now is someone completely different than the one at school, the one who uses power instead of peace. “You’re not the only one walking in a shadow you know, I walk in one too.” I admit without meaning to, the words slip out on their own account.

“Oh I’m not am I? Whose shadow are you walking in?”

“My dad’s.” His body relaxes and his head falls into his hands.

“I know that feeling, the pressure they put on your shoulders to do your best.” He replies, the words muffled by his hands. “The weight they tie down on your feet in case you try to fly away, be something that they don’t want you to be.”

I turn my head to the side and look at the way I came in. The lights of a passing car flicker and light up part of the underground, none of the light touches me. “Exactly.”

It’s almost as though I can feel him smile slightly beneath his hands. “I never thought you’d be someone other than a snobby rich kid.”

I snort and look back his way, “I’m not the rich one, my parents are.” I say, “And you really thought I was snobby?”

His shoulders shake from a short laugh and he pulls his head up, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Well you do only hang out with Drew and Floyd.”

I’m shocked that he even remembers their names. “They’re my family you know? With my parents always being away… they keep me grounded.” Why am I even sharing all of this with him? It’s not like we’ve been the best of friends and it feels like I’m revealing a secret that isn’t mine to tell.

Tex nods, “You’re not close to your family?”

I shake my head, “I wouldn’t even call us a family.” I nudge my shoulder against his, “What about your family?”

His mood sinks slightly and I regret asking, “My mum died when I was young, too young to remember. My dad however went mad and started drinking like it was the end of the world, couldn’t have a simple conversation without him getting mad over something, and my brother got sentenced 5 years in jail a few years back. A scholarship is my only way out of this hell hole.”

It only now hits me that I never thought about what it was like for Tex’s side. Sure, he was fighting with me all the time but he had a good reason, he wants a ticket to a better life, to make everything right for him and I just happened to be in the way of that. “You won’t have to worry about me anymore.” I say and his head snaps in my direction.

“Knee’s pretty much stuffed.” I say, pain invading my voice. Unconsciously I run my hand down my leg and stop just above my knee. Wetness touches the tips of my fingers and I pull them back. “I don’t think I’ll be running for a while.”

I thought his face would light up even just a little but not even his eyes gleam with happiness. “Why? What happened to your knee?” He asks, trying to see it in the dark.

“Got cut pretty bad.”

“From a fall?”

I shake my head slowly, “Not exactly, my dad wasn’t too happy about having to come home so he punished me and I slipped and cut myself on the side of something in the process. Didn’t seem too bad but I guess it’s worse than I first thought.”

He shakes his head but doesn’t say anything else. Suddenly, a thought comes to mind.

“Why do you hurt Byron, you don’t really hate gay people do you?” I ask.

He breaths loudly and after what feels like hours, shakes his head, “No, I don’t hate gays.” He says before turning his look on me, “Why do you ask?”

I bite my tongue lightly, “I just wanted to know.” I say as smoothly as I can but my voice betrays me and squeaks, revealing the lie.

Tex’s eyes narrow, pinning me against the wall without physical contact. “Why’s the real reason you asked?”

I sigh, there’s no getting myself out of this now. I practically just dug my own grave. “I just… wanted to have a glimpse of how people would react when I told them about me.” I say, “Being gay.”

His eyes go wide and he turns his body to face me, “You’re gay?!” He nearly yells and I quickly shh him. He looks around before leaning in closer, “You. Are gay.” He whispers the statement.

I nod, there’s no denying it now. A sour taste fills up my mouth and instantly I wish I could take it all back. I was so caught up in telling someone that I never thought about who I was really telling it to. Just because I know a few more things about his doesn’t mean he’s my friend and I can trust him.

He turns back to the front and his body sinks slightly before he shakes his head. “Please don’t tell anyone.” I say, “About anything.”

He blinks a few more times before nodding, “Sure, I promise.”

“Thanks, man.”

“No problem, want a ride home?” He asks, already standing up and offering me a hand. “You’re not going to be able to make it home on that leg.”

Reluctantly I look down at my leg and nod, “You’re right, okay.” I place my hand on top of his and warm explodes through my hand, I didn’t know how cold I actually was until now.

He pulls me to my feet and with a grunt wraps my arm around his shoulder. Slowly we stagger out from under the bridge and towards a presentable house, one that looks bigger than mine yet somehow they look so much the same. Both lacking the bright and cheerful mood of a happy family.

Without a word he opens his car door and pushes me through. He slams the door closed and walks around, jumping into the driver’s seat. Not a minute later we’re taking off down the road, me giving him directions every once in a while. I clutch my knee tightly, ripples of blood seeping through my fingers. Cringing I push down harder, pain seeps up my leg and I bite my lip to stop from crying out.

Dark spots rest at the side of my vision, blurring out the inside but I force myself to stay awake. It’s only a few minutes until we’re home.

~@~

“Reign, buddy.” Someone says loudly in the corner of my mind.

A constant hard feeling hits my cheek every few seconds. “Come on man, wake up.” They say.

I groan and roll over. Pain instantly shoots through my leg and I cry out, jolting awake in the process. I register someone clutching my shoulders while I cry out in torture. Tears flood my eyes and I blink them away. When they’re gone the pain subsides and my vision clears.

Floyd stands in front of me with a worried look on his face, Drew leaning against a wall just over his shoulders, an un readable expression on his. “Where am I?” I ask, my voice hoarse and dark from sleep. “What happened?”

Drew and Floyd share a look, Floyd’s the one to speak, “We waited here for you to finish detention but you didn’t come right away so we figured we’d just stay here until you got back from whatever you were doing,” He pauses, “We were worried man, you didn’t turn up and it was past midnight and then here you come in being held by Tex out of anyone.”

I shake my head, shattering off the haziness of last night and it comes back to me that I offered a ride from Tex. Although there’s something behind Floyds words that I don’t like, and I find myself wanting to defend Tex.

“Yeah, he helped me home.” I say; my voice smoother than before.

Drews face scrunches up, “Tex doesn’t help people Reign, he hurts them.”

I shake my head, hands shaking, “That’s not true!” I snap, “He helped me.”

They both look at me like I’ve lost my mind. And I probably have but that doesn’t mean I’m not right about this, Tex does really seem like a nice guy once you get to know his story and not just assume.

“You’re crazy,” Floyd says, on the brink of yelling, “He’s been giving you hell pretty much since the first day you were born.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s really a bad guy!” I yell out and look around my bedroom, Tex must have taken me in here. Helped me in here. I lean my stiff back against the wall, anger bubbling within my surface. They should be glad that Tex helped me home, if it weren’t for him anything could have happened to me last night. Who knows what creeps live around there?

Floyd nods, “It generally does.”

I clench my jaw, “You’re no better than him!” I yell out, not regretting anything that I say.

An unsettling crease forms on his forehead, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that while you two were here doing God knows what, I was out there in the pitch black with not a clue where I was!” I scream.

“It’s not our fault you got lost!” He finally snaps, yelling it like it’s the end of the world.

“No, maybe not but you could have at least tried to find me!”

“Find you?!” He laughs sarcastically, “Why should we have found you?!”

I fall silent.

“You’re defending a guy who’s never done anything but bad and suddenly when he finally does one thing right you defend him like he’s a fucking God!” He says, “So tell me, why should we have found you?”

“Because you’re my friends!” I cry out, angry that he even has to ask why.

“Are you so sure about that?” He growls, “Because ever since school started you’ve been pushing us further and further away!”

“That’s not true.”

He nods, “Unfortunately it is and you don’t even realise it.”

“Fuck you!” I snap.

“You have to make a choice Reign, It’s either us or Tex.” He clenches his fists, “’Cause I sure aint staying if Tex is in the picture too.”

“Then it looks like you won’t be staying!” I yell at the top of my lungs, “See if I care, I don’t need anyone. Just leave!”

Without another word he storms from the room and a door slams loudly downstairs. Drew’s gaze burns the side of my face but I don’t look at him and instead stare at the spot Floyd was moments before.

“No one can be alone.” He says.

I finally turn my head to look at him but he’s already gone, nothing where he was just standing. Not even the ghost of his presence ever being here.

I sigh, my body goes numb and I fall backwards onto the bed, tears escaping my closed eyes. “Everyone leaves anyway.” I whisper to myself. Turning my head to the side I look outside in the dark night. First I pull my aching legs over the side of my bed and slowly my body follows.

When I place a hand to my knee and it comes back relatively clean I flick on my bed side lamp. Rough stitches cover the once open, bleeding flesh. My heart sinks, Floyd and Drew must have stitched it up before I woke, knowing that I wouldn’t have allowed it if I were awake.

Closing my eyes for a second I erase them from my mind. They gave me the option and I chose to let them go. They don’t need me, not like I need them. So in reality letting them leave was only hurting me. They’re probably happy that I’m finally gone from their life. I was doing nothing but holding them back anyway, maybe they’ll be better off without me.

I open my eyes and make way towards the window. I sit down at the cushioned seat in front of it and gaze silently up at the starts and moon. The moon stands out bright against the small dots but somehow none rest beside the moon, always keeping a distance between them and it. Even the moon likes being alone so why wouldn’t I? I’m always alone and that’s the way I want to keep it.

For once in my life I finally found someone I would risk everything for but without a reason he kicks me to the gutter and the only thing I can do is give up. Give up on people all together.

I rest my head in my hands, the weight of the world resting on my shoulders with no intention of leaving. I’ve let my own stupidity get rid of the only real family I’ve ever had. For the first time that night I finally let the tears spill, wet and thick down my hands and arms, disappearing behind the thin material sweater.

I pull my head up when a sound so unfamiliar travels through the house. I jerk up, the sound of a car pulling into the garage, that could only mean one thing, my dad’s home. Hopefully with my mother.

The thought of my mother being with him soon evaporates when only one pair of footing walks up the stairs. I tightness forms in my lungs, pushing out the air until it’s hard to breathe. My door slams open and I fall onto the floor and crawl slowly towards my bed, hiding underneath.

My father’s heavy footsteps thump through the room as he walks around it. “Where are you, you little shit?” He growls.

When I don’t reply the sound of shattering glass explodes through the room as he slams the bottle he was holding into the wall. The bright coloured glass falls onto the floor around the chair I was just at. The moon reflects from each little piece and into my eyes.

So suddenly there was nothing and then there’s a tightness around my neck as I’m dragged by the back of my sweater collar, out from under the safety of my bed. He lifts me easily like I weigh nothing and throws me across the room. For a moment there’s nothing and then I’m falling hard onto the floor. Pain dots my vision as millions of tiny pricks hit my skin. I use my hands to get me upright but that only results in more glass filling my flesh.

I wince and pull the tiny pieces out one by one but just as I think I’ve got them all from my hands another one comes. Tears cover my vision. “You’re nothing but a sook, no one likes a big baby!” My dad slurs as he comes towards me once again.

I cower away by using my feet to slide me against the floor, slowly getting distance between us. However that’s short lived when something touches my back, a wall… or a window to be more specific. “I need to turn you into a man.” He says.

“Please, dad.” I whine as he takes large, hungry steps towards me. “Leave me alone!” I cry out as his hand slides up my arm, making home against the tender flesh of my neck.

“You don’t tell me what to do you worthless boy!” He growls like a savage animal, “You’re useless and no one’s ever going to love you for who you are.”

“That’s not true.” I try to say strongly but it comes out mangled and tied together.

“Oh isn’t it? Because from what I just saw even your own friends left you.” He whispers, his grip tightening around the back of my neck. He comes down to my level, resting his other hand on my waist.

“I told them to leave, I was the one that got rid of them.”

“True, but if they were really your friends they wouldn’t have left you the way you are even if you begged them to.”

I fall silent, no words can explain how I feel at this moment as his hand tightens against my waist, pain stabbing through my body in various spots. Somehow through his drunken way he’s right. If they really loved, really cared for me they would have done anything in their power to convince me that they’re worth keeping, they wouldn’t have just let me go.

“You know I’m right.” Dad says, “No one loves you and no one ever will, I certainly won’t.”

My body relaxes, finally accepting the pain as a part of it. “I know.” I whisper.

“What was that?” He laughs, “I didn’t hear you.”

“No one loves me,” I repeat, registering nothing around me but the words, “and no one ever will.”