Chapter 36: being awake

Rose p.o.v

Walking is hard. Moving my arms up is hard. Sitting down is hard. Every single move is hard on my body. I hated it. I hated everything was different. 

Nothing was the same as before. 

Nothing. 

I felt empty. 

I just wanted everything to be normal again. But then what was normal for me? Was it that old, moldy house? Was it my father? Was it living on the streets? 

What was normal? 

I have so many questions in my head. I hated that too. So many questions but no answers because I just couldn't form those questions. I couldn't say them out loud. They were just sitting on my lips. 

Ugh, I hated big me. 

I wanted little me. 

Little me didn't have any questions. Little me knew what normal was, she didn't question it. She didn't question anything at all. She just knew. 

Little me knew what she wanted, what her thoughts meant because everything was simple to her. 

Not to me. It's not simple to move in a body that couldn't work properly. It's not simple to know what normal was, knowing where my home was, where my base was. A place where I could go back to whenever I felt sad. 

Big me was just a crying and screaming mess, but only in my head. On the outside, I was just as silent as a mouse. 

I had no idea how to ask what normal was to Nathan, Max, Ellis, Anna, or Derek for that matter. How would they know what normal was for me? They weren't me. They weren't living inside my head. 

"All right, here we are," Nathan announced when he parked his car on the driveway. "Rose, you stay seated. I will help you." 

I saw how Nathan hurried himself around the car to help me get out. Within seconds the car door flew open and he held his hands out for me to take. 

With all the strength I had I moved my arms up and took his large hands to help myself on my feet. I grimaced. 

"I know, I know, it's hard. But the doctor said you have to keep moving, so it will be easier." Slowly I put my full weight on my feet. When I was fully out of the car, Nathan closed the car door and started to guide me into the house. 

I liked Nathan's house. That was the only good thing about all of this. It wasn't big to feel lonely, it wasn't small either to feel trapped. He and Max had warm-toned colors in their house so it would feel even homier. 

It was like the perfect homes I would see in the movies, in the flyers and store windows where they would put them up to buy them. 

"I bet you are tired. How about I bring you to your room, sweetie?" Nathan hummed. I only nodded my head. I just wanted to sit down as fast as possible. 

It took forever to get up the stairs, every single step more would drain more and more energy from me. "You are doing great, Rose. Absolutely great. You're almost there. You can do it, sweetheart." 

I couldn't hear him, I was only concentrating on moving my legs. Never in my life, it was so hard to walk. Even on the streets where I would sometimes walk on days end, I never felt as tired as I did now. 

"All right, here we are. You did so great, Rose. And now for the big surprise. Close your eyes, honey." Nathan waited for me to do so. 

I didn't want to close my eyes, I just wanted to sit. But I didn't want to be rude. So, I didn't complain and did as I was told. 

Closing my eyes was more difficult than I would have thought. I hated the darkness. It reminded me of that stupid coma. 

I took a big breath and closed them. 

I counted. One, two, three, four... nine, ten.

"All right open them." I breathed out and opened my eyes. Feeling relieved. 

When I opened them I saw a beautiful room. A nice big bed with pastel-colored bedsheets, above them little lights with butterflies, next to the bed were two white nightstands with purple lamps on it. 

On the bed were my stuffies I didn't have with me in the hospital. 

All of the walls were white except one, which was painted in a pastel-like purple. On the walls were some Disney posters. 

It was a nice room, a really nice room, but the only thing I wanted was to lay down on that bed. 

We stood there for too long. I couldn't wait any longer, so I opened my mouth, finally saying what I felt, what I thought. But not all of it because I didn't know how to. 

"Nathan?" 

"Yes, Rose?" He quirked up his brow and smiled. 

"Bed please." 

His eyes widened. "Oh yeah, my bad." When I finally sat down he asked, "So, what do you think of your room? I didn't really know what colors you liked, so... I just guessed because it always seemed that you liked everything that was colorful." 

That was right. Anything but sad and dark colors were my favorite colors. I never was around many colorful colors. So, I indeed liked all of them, all of the colors of the rainbow. 

"It's beautiful," I whispered. 

A huge grin got plastered on Nathan's face. He was nice, so, so nice. 

"All rightie, how about this beautiful princess takes a nap and I will wake you up for dinner, okay?" 

I nodded my head, now too tired to talk. "All right," he said again. He helped me to get into be the bed and tucked me in. 

When I was all snuggled up, he gave me a forehead kiss and left the room. 

I wanted to sleep, I really wanted to sleep but was too scared to. I didn't want to be trapped in that darkness again. I didn't want to be trapped in my own body. 

And the nightmares, they were horrible. 

I tried my best to stay awake and to just rest on the bed. I hugged my stuffies for comfort. I missed them terribly. Feeling their soft fur calmed me down. 

It calmed me down too much because after being able to stay up for a long time I, unfortunately, fell asleep. 

I heard screaming, I heard crying. Where did it come from? It didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? I just wanted it to stop. 

I hated the sound of the desperate screams, it sounded like the screams in my head. 

Please, please be quiet, I thought. 

Be quiet

It was when I felt somebody touch me I woke up and realized it was me all along. It was my crying, my screams that I just wanted to shut up. 

I looked around frantic and saw it was Max who woke me up. 

When I finally calmed down and sat up more he asked, "Are you all right Rosey?" 

Rosey. Rosey, that is what he would call me when I was asleep, when I was in a coma. "Can you say that again?" I croaked out. 

"Say what again?" 

"My name." 

"Rose?" 

"No, how you call me." 

"Rosey," when he said it I hugged him. It felt good I could hug him when he called me that, instead of laying like a dead person on a bed. 

It felt good. 

It felt real. 

Max hugged me back. "It's all right, you are all right Rosey." 


A/N: Hope you liked it. Sit tight there is another chapter up, enjoy!

Thank you for reading and have a nice day!

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