Chapter 18

Derek p.o.v

It has been two days since Rose's birthday and the incident. She still is not really her old self or the Rose that I knew. Rose was quiet, barely ate anything, and did not want to engage in anything that was related to her little self. Olivia tried to do her lesson today with Rose, but with not much success. Rose was very passive in anything she did. I grew more and more worried about the girl. What memories were unlocked because of the small fight?

I desperately wanted to help her, only she did not let me in. I wanted to give her space. She got that and now I think it's time to open up. The kind of relationship we are in is heavily built on trust and the fact she did not trust me enough to tell me anything about her feelings hurt. I felt like a failure as a dom.

I was dead set on getting something out of her tonight. So I planned to watch a movie together and I would not let her refuse my plans.

Rose p.o.v

I saw how the water made its way down the window. Slowly dripping down with no care in the world. It was like the skies cried with me as well because for a very long time I felt into a headspace where it was the 'real' me. For a long time, I was always in between big me and little me. Big me I hated the most. She remembered the awful and horrible memories the best. She was the one who felt like she was worthless. She heard the hurtful words of her father echoing in her mind.

"Worthless child!"

"Nobody wants you!"

"Get out!

"I hated your mother, but I hate you even more!"

I shook my head. Trying to get rid of those bad memories. My time here with Derek felt like entering a paradise, a paradise I did not earn to enter. I was worthless. How could somebody even care for me? I knew nothing but to stutter and to act like a child. I was indeed worth nothing. This was the real me. The me who hated her father and her mother, but mostly herself. I knew for sure that Derek would grow tired of me. He would throw me away just like father did. Soon he will see how of a low life I am.

Maybe it is better for me to leave before Derek finds out. Going back to the streets where I belong.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock. I did not bother to turn around. I knew it was Derek. Maybe he will tell me now to leave his house. I did not care anymore. I had prepared myself for this moment these past two days. I waited in suspense for the words, words that never came.

Derek had squatted down before the bed where I was sitting right now. He looked at me lovingly but worried as well. A small frown was visible on his forehead. Something I did not expect.

"Hey Rose, how are you feeling?" He asked softly.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Still not that well, hmm?" He hummed.

I shrugged again.

"How about we watch a movie together?" My first thought was 'no' and the word was laying on my lips. However, maybe this was the last act of kindness towards me before telling me the news I needed to be gone. So I went with it.

He smiled though, again something I did not expect. He took my hand in his and together we made our way down. Once in the big tv room, I saw he was really prepared for this movie. Multiple blankets, my favorite one included, were spread across the couch together with lots and lots of pillows and stuffed animals.

Derek situated us in the middle of all it and he had put me between his legs so I could lean on his chest. I did not want to be in this position but he did not give me a lot of room to sit anyway else. He had not put up a children's movie. The movie that was playing was called 'Spiderman' I think. I looked up at Derek with a questioning face.

"I thought you would like this more than a Disney movie. And I myself am quite curious how this Tom Holland guy will portray Spiderman." He explained.

I shrugged it off and watched along. It was a pretty good movie. I liked spiderman's quirkiness. I did not know these kinds of movies were a thing, but apparently it is. Spiderman is supposed to be part of a way bigger series of movies.

Halfway through the movie, Derek started to speak up. "Rose?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you please tell me what is going on?" He asked, almost desperately. "Nothing is going on." I tried to say as casually as possible.

I felt his arms around me tighten. "Don't lie to me." His voice was low. To get this conversation over with I would give him just enough to make him quiet, I thought.

"I'm just feeling a bit down, that's all."

"I don't believe you. You are feeling down if you don't understand what Olivia's is teaching you, this, however, is something else." Derek remarked. Damn, why was he so good at observing me?

"Just tell me. You know you can tell me everything." He caressed my arms with his thumbs and placed one of his magical kisses on my head. The kisses made me melt into a small girl every time he made the gesture. "So tell me, what's going on in that little head of yours?"

Something about his way of saying things made me break the walls around me. The words were said with so much love and care.

Tears made their appearance before I could say anything. "I-I just feel so awful, like I don't belong here or anywhere else for that matter."

"Don't say that baby girl. You belong, you belong here with me, with Jack, with Stella, with Olivia. You belong somewhere Rose, don't forget that." I had a hard time believing him. Could he not see how worthless I was?

"How can you say that?" My voice wavered. "I'm worthle-"

"Please don't finish that sentence," Derek whispered in my ear. "I know it is hard for you to see and I think certain people in your life made you believe such a horrible thing, but remember Rose. You. Are. Not. Worthless. Do you understand?"

I remained quiet. I did not know what to say.

"Rose, I want you to repeat after me, 'I'm not worthless'."

"I-I'm not w-worthless," I whispered.

"Louder."

"I'm not worthless," I spoke now a bit clearer.

"Louder, come on I can't hear you," Derek said

"I'm not worthless!"

"That's my girl. You are not worthless Rose and I will remind you of that until the day I die. I'm so proud of you. You have come along so far." And with that, we finished our movie. We snuggled and cuddled. Slowly I felt in little headspace, but not because I could not handle big me. No, because I know I did not need to be afraid anymore to be big me. 

A/N: Hi, sorry for the long wait. I have a writer's block with all my stories, so thank you for your patience. 

So please if you have any ideas for the story, please, please let me know. I do have a general plot in my head, but if I would write that out the story would be finished too quickly. 

Also a big thank you to all you readers! I'm very grateful for all the support this story gets. Thank you!

Thanks for reading and stay safe!