Wish you were gay

For the past two weeks Bee felt like all she did was sleep. So much she started to question what was real and what had only happened in her dreams.


She saw Nate, beside her, over her. She saw him smiling and then she angry. For seconds she wasn't really sure if she was hallucinating or dreaming.


It was almost as if her brain was trying to put together all of the pieces of the same person. Right when she thought they'd fit they multiplied.


"I don't think you're doing okay." Jules said as she applied a thick coat of gel eyeshadow over Bee's lid. "I mean you look beautiful right now. I'm not saying it shows or anything but like, I know you."


"I look like shit." Bee said with her eyes closed. They were in Jules' room waiting for Rue to go to the movies. She'd lost count on how many times she'd third wheeled during the past two weeks. "It's alright. You can say it."


"I'm just worried, you know?" Jules asked. "Like before this week I was never concerned about you."


Bee shot her eyes open. "And you shouldn't. I'm fine. I'm just trying to stay on my meds."


"Okay. Close your eyes. I'm almost done." Jules said and then remained quiet for a few seconds. "I know you probably don't wanna talk about it. But I talked to Nate a few days ago. I got here and he was parked outside."


"You don't have to tell me about it." Bee said feeling the increasing pressure in her chest.


"It wasn't bad. I mean he apologized. He said some nice things too."


"It wasn't bad?" Bee asked.


"It was different." Jules said. "It was like he was Tyler but at the same time he wasn't. Sounds weird, right? But it felt like there was a part of him missing. The part that I sort of created in my head."


Bee stopped feeling the brush and opened her eyes. She looked at Jules but she stayed silent, feeling as if she started talking she might start crying.


"Rue told me she saw him a couple of days ago at Fezco's getting like a ton of painkillers." Jules said as she sat back on the bed.


"Jules, I take it back. I can't really talk about it."


"I kinda feel sorry for him though." She continued. "I feel sorry for people who completely lack self awareness in general."


"What do you mean?"


"It's like— You see him and you get this whole idea of how he is from the outside, right? But deep down he's like at such an early level of self discovery." Jules said. "Like he must've had these ideas since— what? Years ago? And he's only acting out on then now."


"I feel like you're somehow trying to justify him—"


"I mean, Bee." Jules said. "You literally would not understand. You're a beautiful straight skinny white girl. It's not that you haven't gone through shit, but like— I remember that feeling of like— Inadequacy that I had at the beginning. And like Nate— He screams that." She continued. "The discomfort you feel is really so bad that you literally can not ignore it. Like when I started, I wasn't straightforward about it with anyone. I took 20$ out of my mom's wallet the first time I went to Walmarts and got a pair of heels. I didn't ask her for the money."


"Jules, you were like twelve."


"I know it's completely different. But I mean what if he really is trying to figure shit out? Like talking to all these guys on Grindr. It's like a run for your fucking life. It's almost like intuitive. And the beginning is selfish too. How can it not be selfish when it's entirely about you? And you don't get to wander about this things openly. I mean I know I didn't— I know he sure as fuck can't either."


"Okay, so what you're saying is that you're suddenly okay with the fact that he lied to you." Bee stated.


"What I'm saying is that I don't blame him." Jules said. "Just like don't blame you for falling for him, or myself either. Like I'm done feeling guilty about it."


"I still feel guilty." Bee said looking at the ceiling. "Like when exactly did I convince myself this was a good idea? I knew he would let me down. I knew I would fall in love. Even if I tried to ignore it or keep it from happening. I—" She bit the inside of her cheek really hard trying not to cry.


"How can you say blame yourself? If falling in love is not a decision. Getting close to someone, yeah, maybe. But falling in love— like how are you supposed to let it pass you by? Given how rare it is?"


"I don't know. I've always sort of found the whole concept of love sickening anyway." Bee said. "I kind of thought how— Our portrait of love is all messed up. Like sometimes I feel like I believed love was good. Like it was predominantly good. But it's not."


"Yeah, maybe."


"Like two people choosing each other over and over. That's kind of selfish. Like the person you have that romantic love with is always supposed to be your top priority. It doesn't matter what everyone around you is going through. It doesn't matter how they change or what happens to them you're supposed to stick by their side. Like I would never want to make someone suffer like that."


"Bee, loving you would not make anyone suffer." Her friend said seriously. Bee swallowed hard.


"I didn't mean myself in particular. I meant like the whole concept of it."


"I don't think it's about whether it's good or bad. It's the fact that maybe it's both. Maybe it's not about that at all." Jules said. "I mean maybe 'falling in love' isn't even like the end goal. Maybe it's just the process. Maybe it's just accepting someone as they are and watching them grow."


Bee fell silent for a few seconds. She was still staring up at the ceiling when a vivid memory of Nate flashed through her mind. She shut her eyes closed tightly while Jules' words echoed in her head.


All that time she'd been trying so hard to figure out whether he was good or bad. When it never really crossed her mind to think that he was both.


It was so hard for her to process that just because you loved something with all your heart it doesn't mean it's always going to be good.


And he had grown. And that was the reason she'd fallen in love with him. Not his good actions or bad actions.


She'd fallen in love with the boy who'd been struggling since the beginning of the school year against himself, his family, his sexuality, his life, in order to figure out his future.


She'd fallen for the person who'd opened up and admitted guilt and changed and stayed up all night talking to her.


The one who was good at taking care of her but bad at setting boundaries.


Who definitely had anger issues.


Who had made shitty decisions.


Who deserved love.


Just like she did.


And he wasn't a fucking stranger but literally the person she'd known for the longest time.


She sat up on the bed.


"What's wrong?" Jules asked.


"Sorry, today's the game right?" Bee asked as she stood up, looking for her shoes.


"Uh— I think so." Jules said. "Why?"


"I have to go."




Author's note:


ahhhh im not prepared for this story to end yet 🥺


2 more chapters and we're done


updating at 15 votes again. love

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