Boys don't cry

To Nate it had always been easier not to let the world touch him. It was much safer. He wouldn't grieve. He wouldn't have his heart broken. He'd hold it together. He was strong enough to do so.


After the last time he'd spoken with Bee his mindset had quickly shifted. He'd tried to make things work and they hadn't.


If he wasn't having her, the one thing he'd craved since the beginning of the school year he'd have to settle for his other goals.


So he went back to what he knew how to do. Reach out for what he wanted, aggressively.


The day after they last spoke he'd skipped physiotherapy and stayed at school for football practice. He rejoined the team.


No one tried to stop him from playing the final. Not his coach, not his friends, not even his dad, who'd only told him how proud he felt. They knew better than to try and stand on his way.


He trained harder than he'd ever had before. He ran faster, played better. And even if he wouldn't show it his leg was hurting as bad as it ever had.


He felt disgusted with himself, with that body that couldn't achieve the things it did in the past. He'd had to take painkillers before practice, then before school, otherwise he'd limp and in all honesty he'd rather die.


He became a regular costumer at Fezco's. It was on one of those visits that he ran into Rue. He waited for Fez to get the merch in the back when she came in. She stood by his side without even turning her head to look at him.


He breathed out tucking his hands inside his pockets. He looked at the cigarettes inside an acrylic display on the back of the cashier. He didn't feel sad. He felt numb. There was an angry being inside of him to whom he'd lended control to until being himself didn't feel like shit anymore. Even if he didn't know how long it'd take.


"Can you just tell me if Bee's okay?" Nate finally let out.


"You're the last fucking person I'd tell anything to, Nate." Rue said dryly. "And you better leave them both alone. If you try anything I will sure as fuck tell. Cause I personally have no problem walking into any police station and telling them that Nate Jacobs's daddy likes to fuck little kids."


"I don't give a fuck anymore, Rue. Do whatever you want." He said and paused. He leaned his side next to the fridge door. "I mean I guess I understand you being mad at me, in the end your girlfriend did try to cheat on you with a guy she'd never even met."


"You don't know shit of what you're talking about." Rue said.


"You know what I like about Jules? She has these very real dreams. And I seriously think that she's going to achieve them. If you look at everyone at school, most of them are going to go on to lives these lives that aren't even fucking worth mentioning. Not Jules. What about you?"


"Honestly, I don't really give a fuck." He felt that in his bones. Maybe they did have something in common.


"Yeah, I gathered that. That's probably why you're spending all your time with someone who's going to leave you and won't even remember who the fuck you are in ten years." He knew the feeling all to well. "Enjoy it while it fucking lasts."


"You know what?" She asked turning to look at him. Her hazel eyes looked darker under the cold lights of the gas station. "There is something that you don't seem to understand about Bee. Or Jules. There is a big something that sets you apart from girls like them. And you can't even fucking see it. Their idea of love is not control. If you really love someone and they love you back you both deserve to be free."


"Free to do what?" He asked Rue. "If you give a fuck about any of them then just take care of your fucking self, Rue. It's the least you can do."


Fezco walked back to the counter and handed him a bag of tiny blue pills.


"Here you go pretty boy."


"Like you are." Rue said looking at the plastic bag.


"It's not the same." Nate closed his hand around it and gave Rue one last look before he walked out. "See you around."


He wasn't really sure how much longer he could take it. He wanted to rip his skin open and get out of his body.


He'd already envisioned his life differently. And that thought would not abandon him.



The night of the game he felt empty. He felt like he was slipping away and that even if he tried to really hard he would not come back from the state he was in.


He felt feverish and he didn't really understand if it was the nerves, the painkillers or the permanent state of abstinence.


"Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. This is the game you've all been waiting for." The voices of the announcers played on the speakers.


"That's right, Bart. This is the first game back for the Hawks starting QB Nate Jacobs. It could be the final game of his high school career unless he can bring home the W, and get this struggling team to regionals."


"Speaking of struggles, he's had a lot off the field. After he fractured his left leg during a car accident a few months ago. Here's the big question: Can he play the same?"


"I think Nate Jacobs is gonna unify this ball club."


"Thankfully his teammates have his back. We know the community has his back. How much of the game is he going to put on his back?"


"Here we go. It's game time. Red, twelve. Red, twelve. Hut."


On the last seconds of the game he decided he wouldn't trust his team. He'd have to score by himself if he wanted to win. He ran across the field so fast none of the other players could manage to catch up to him until he scored the winning point. As he slowed down afterwards he fell on his knees on the grass and felt the sharpest pain he'd ever felt in his life.


It had him on his knees for a few seconds before he could finally stand up. As he did he felt like his ears were ringing and although he could see the crowd screaming he wasn't hearing anymore. He let out a visceral scream he felt like he'd been holding back for weeks inside him.


He was supposed to be feeling good. But he wasn't.


He wished he knew what to do with his life, what do do with his fucking heart. All he wanted was to rip it out from his chest.


As his teammates got closer to him they all started to hug him and pat him on the shoulder. They lifted him up on their shoulders and he looked in the direction of the crowd. He noticed a familiar face, walking down the stairs of the bleachers.


It was Bee.


His ears were still ringing when he pulled back from his teammates embrace and ran in the direction of the bleachers.


She was walking across the first row of the bleachers, her back turned to him as she walked towards the entrance of the school. He was far away but he knew he could reach her. If he ran fast enough.



Author's note: early update just because i want to post the ending ASAP. updating at 15 votes again 🤍

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