— Am I being too much?Or I'm just not enough?

Yurina's

What could've been wrong? What's happening to us now? 

Right now I've been questioning myself countless times, Xiaoting's been acting different, she totally changed right after she debuted even before I proposed to her. I know there's something off I'm just forcing myself to shrug it off but this time I don't know what to do anymore, it hurts.

Is it wrong now for me to hope that you shouldn't have debuted right from the start?That you shouldn't have debuted especially with her, that it'll be better if we shouldn't got to debut

But no, that was your dream come true and I have no rights to take it away from you or even stop you from still pursuing it, you're so happy and I promised to myself that no matter what happens I'll still support you, I'll be happy for you but why am I starting to get hurt now? 

I should be happy for you, right? Even though it seems that your happiness is the exchanged of my pain that I'm feeling

"Xiaoting I'm sorry, I don't think I can longer fulfill my promises to you" I whisper to her as I can't help not to breakdown while she's asleep.

She's still the sweetest and soft person that I met, but her feelings for me changed a lot. I can't feel the same love that she's been giving me before. I've been enduring this for almost a year now, been keeping it all by myself. I feel that she's no longer happy with me, I thought if we're engage it will be fine, we will be fine.

But I'm wrong, it gotten worse

I got interrupted by my thought when she starts to move from her sleep, I decided to go quickly inside the bathroom because she'll see me crying.

"Ai?" I heard her voice as I walk towards the sink. "Yurina?" I gulp so hard as I looked at myself at the mirror.

"Yes baobei?"

"Where are you?"

"Bathroom, just done taking a shower"

"Quick please, I'll show you something here at the balcony!" She shouted as I wash my face, as I went outside I immediately stop and just stare at her back, she's looking at the sky, I walk towards her as I gently hug her back, I felt her hand quickly caress my hands and arms.

"What is it?"

"Look up, it's so pretty"

As I look up, I saw the moon, it's shining brightly above us. It suddenly becomes quiet so I decided to pull away as I face her to me, I held her face.

"The moon is so beautiful isn't it, Xiaoting?" I told her.

Please say it back, you know it

Instead of speaking she wears her small smile as she slowly hugs me, and this is the moment my heart slowly breaks into pieces.

Because you used to say 'I love you too'

"Yurina"

"Hmm?"

"Will you still love or forgive me if ever I did something wrong that could ruin our relationship?"

Pang, I felt a pang inside my chest as Xiaoting asked me, I held her even closer.

"Baby it depends on what you did, if it's still forgiveable or not." I stop as I pulled away, I can see a sorrow look in her eyes. "Love could fade in a matter of time sometimes, everything in a relationship could change in just one snap."

Maybe you have your reasons why

A moment of silence, I can feel her grip at the hem of my shirt. I tried my best not to get emotional.

"Why?"

She shook her head. "Hmm nothing, let's just stay like this for awhile" she said as she continously hugs me.

"Xiaoting, about the engagement—" I didn't got to finish on what I'm about to say as she loosen her hug to me.

"Can we not talk about that for now?"

I sighed. "Alright" I said as I frowned. She broke the hug.

"Let's sleep I suddenly became sleepy" she said as she turn her back to me and went back inside.

She's always like that everytime I talk about our engagement, she always changes the topic and it makes me think and blame myself, she said before that she wasn't ready about it, maybe it's my fault that's why she became like this, because I proposed to her, publicly.

—

Flashback

I was standing here almost losing my shit because how nervous I am right now, my hands are slightly trembling and sweating, I'm gonna propose to Xiaoting tonight, my other friends and my parents are here with me, we're just waiting for Xiaoting to arrive because I said to her that we're gonna only have a dinner with my family but the truth is I prepared a surprise proposal that I only myself know. I don't know if this will be the good idea and great timing but I'll give it a shot, I don't wanna regret in the end. As I was keep pacing back and forth I now can see Xiaoting walking not far from me, I raised my right hand as I wave at her, she finally saw me and slightly ran towards me wearing her precious smile. But before she got to hug me I saw her co-members not far, we finally able to hug each other.

Wait what, why did she—

"Hello ai I missed you" Xiaoting said as she kissed my right cheek

"I missed you more baobei" I said as I gently pinched her nose, she notice that I was glancing at her co-members so she chuckles as she held my face.

"You and your confuse face, your mom called me earlier told me to bring them with me, so yeah.."

"Ow okay, come now they're waiting for you the food is also ready" I said smiling as I held her hand, I signalled her co-members to come as well as they follow us.

—

My parents have known her for almost a year now and we've been together for almost 2 years, I didn't introduce her to my parents that quick by the thought that they'll not accept what I am and what Xiaoting and I have. But I'm very thankful that the moment my dad asked me if I have a boyfriend and he included the 'girlfriend' part, that was the moment I sudden came out to them and they heartfully accepted what I am and my relationship with Xiaoting. On the other hand, Xiaoting's parents seems not to— I was interrupted with my own thoughts as I heart someone speaks from the microphone not far from our table.

This is it, it's starting. I stood up and excuse myself lied that I'll just go to the restroom. The person who'm I might say a host went at the middle holding a wireless microphone.

"A pleasant evening to everyone! As you can see we will have a special surprise that about to happen tonight! So if you all may excuse me, may I call on miss Xiaoting Shen to come here infront." The host said and I can clearly see the shock yet confuse face of my girlfriend as she points at herself, not too long she went at the middle beside the host, the host gave her a smile.

"What a gorgeous young lady we have here Kep1er's Xiaoting, I know you might be confused by now, may I ask if you have any idea on your mind right now why I called you here?" The host asked as she gave Xiaoting another mic.

"Uhm yeah, I'm really confused right now" Xiaoting said as the crowd laughs and I chuckled. "Uhh, I don't remember if we have a somewhat surprise performance here for tonight. Guys didn't you inform me?" She asked pointing out her co-members as they shook their head.

A staff approach me as she handed me the bouquet of red tulips that I ordered awhile ago along with the mic, the piano starts playing as I took a deep breathe as I fix the outfit that I'm wearing, I'm going to dedicate her a song.

♪ What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind?
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

I didn't leave my gaze at her as I continue singing, she now keeps rotating her head probably looking for me, I started to take a step.

♪ My head's under water
B

ut I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

She finally saw me as I smiled at her, a confusion still visible on her face. I'm now standing infront of her as I gave her the bouquet of red tulips which she accepted. Why red tulips?Because its deep red hues evoke feelings of passion, and love. I wanted her to believe me that my feelings are deeply true.

♪ 'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose, I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh-oh

I then held her right hand, we're looking at each other's eyes.

♪ How many times do I have to tell you?
Even when you're crying, you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing in my head for you

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

I can feel her hand starting to tighten its hold on my hand, I caress it using my thumb. I started to roam my eyes at the crowd.

♪ 'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose, I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh-oh
Give me all of you, oh

As I look at our table I can clearly see my parents with their hands on their mouts, probably shock, even my friends and the rest of Xiaoting's co-members. I returned my gaze at the woman I love.

♪ Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you

I started to get on my one knee still keeps singing, still looking at her. Xiaoting gasped as she put her one hand at her mouth, the crowd starts to give a different sounds, most of them are shouting and squealing.

( Yep I used the photo of Freenbeck )

♪ You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose, I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh-oh

I stopped singing I got the chance to pull out the box of ring out of my pocket, I slowly open it as it revealed the silver ring with a small diamond on it. I gulped as I felt my throat getting dry.

"We met years ago, you are my bestfriend, my soulmate and now my lover, I wish I could give you everything, but I hope that this ring would be enough, having you by my side is what completes me. It may have only been a short time since we met, since we became a lovers, but for me it feels like a decade, every moment with you is a treasure, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life creating more memories with you. Shen Xiaoting, will you marry me?"

I was all smiley all in all because finally I said it infront of her, infront of everyone. Not until I saw how anxious Xiaoting looks right now, she's slightly trembling as she keeps looking back and forth at me and to the crowd, also at the cameras that surrounding us. I got worried so I stood up and held her arm.

"Baby what's wrong?"

She frowns as she shook her head. "Yurina I.." Her voice is trembling, I was about to speak when— "I'm thankful for all your efforts but.." She speaks tiny as she scans the crowd.

"But what?"

"But not now Yurina, please I already told you that I'm not yet ready for this, right?" She asked me wearing those kind of begging eyes, my smile immediately drops, as I sighed looking down. "Also my parents, they.."

"Baby what do you mean?Don't you love me enough?"

"It's not like that babe but—"

"Then why?Is there someone else besides me?" I asked that made her stop and slightly stiff.

"Yurina, please"

"No, Xiaoting don't embarass me especially infront of everyone, just say yes" I said seriously and starts to get on my one knee for the second time. Baby I'm sorry. I grip at the mic as I put in at my mouth.

"Shen Xiaoting, will you marry me?"

It took her almost a minute before nodding her head slowly. I smiled as I start putting the ring on her ring finger. I stood up "She said yes!" I speaks up almost shouting, the crowd went wild as I hear their claps, some are whistling. I immediately held her waist as I kiss her on the lips, I was about to kiss her again but she tilt her head that made me kissed her cheek instead, I scan her face she's smiling awkwarly yet forcely infront of everyone that makes me sad but I still need to smile now. After a minute she starts to walk away as I follow her, we're now here at the parking lot, I sped up my pace as I held her arm making her to face me.

"Xiaoting"

"Don't touch me"

"Baby I'm sorry"

"Yurina why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Stop fooling around why did you.." Her voice trembles as I can see a tears starting to fall from her eyes. "Why did you do that?I told you that I'm not yet ready but you didn't listen"

"Then what do you think I have to do huh Xiaoting?Waste all my efforts?" I asked almost raising my voice, I'm starting to lose my temper.

"I get it that you exactly made an effort and I'm thankful for it, but you made a decision for yourself Yurina! You didn't even think about what will I feel, you're not respecting my decision at all. Wherein fact in that situation it shoul've been my decision and not yours." She said crying, fuck she's starting to argue with me now.

"Because you'll embarass me!" I shouted that made her flinch. "Xiaoting look, there are my parents, relatives and even your co-members who witness it all, especially the cameras, so what do you think they'll react if you said no earlier?It will be on the article all over the news and you know that right?And you almost humiliate me back there"

She scoffs. "Embarass you?Is that the most important to you now, your reputation?What about me, my reputation, I'm an idol. Yurina it suffocates me can't you notice it?You.. You seems to only care about your reputation."

"So you are guilt tripping me now?What about you do you even care about my feelings huh Xiaoting?"

"Stop changing the topic—" I approached her as I grab her wrist.

" I'm not changing the topic, I'm asking you why can't you answer?"

"Y-Yurina let go you're hurting me" I pull her closer to me as I tighten the grip on her wrist.

"Now tell me what's stopping you that you don't want to marry me, what was the reason?" I asked her while gritting my teeth, I'm starting to get hurt right now, my feelings starting to get hurt.

"I already told you, my parents doesn't want you for me—"

"You know what, fuck it Xiaoting" I said under my breath as my tears began to fall. "I know it's not only about your parents, stop lying to me" Now she's looking at me with those trembling eyes. "It's about Yujin, isn't it?" She harshfully yanked her arms. 

"Xiaoting I.. Am I being too much?Or I'm just not enough?"

"What are you saying?Don't even mention her name she doesn't have anything to do in any of these Yurina."

I laughed, sarcastically as I gave her a piercing look "You know to yourself that you're bad at lying Xiaoting." She just stood there as if she became a deaf that can't say a single word, I clench my fist.

"Xiaoting why?Out of all the people why her?Out of all the damn people why does it have to be the person I once trusted?!"

"Screw this, talk to me if you're in your right mind, stop being delusional" I was about to walk towards her but her parents suddenly interrupt us, I immediately turn my back as I wipe my tears.

"Xiaoting, Yurina?"

"M-mom, d-dad what are you doing here?"

"Oh honey ofcourse we're looking for both of you, they're looking for the both of you inside." — XT mom

Her dad suddenly chuckles as she caress her daughter's head. "Don't give me that look honey, we're now accepting Yurina for you, she talked to us last week and explained everything, I can see how sincere she is so here we are now, we're sorry that we didn't inform you that we will also be here, we even helped Yurina to prepare for this proposal, good thing you said yes" — XT dad

"W-what?" Xiaoting's now looking at me with mixed emotions, Xiaoting started to sob that made her parents panic.

"Hey honey what's wrong?" — XT mom

"Mom dad, p-please I wanna go home, I'm tired" She said as she clench the hem of her dad's cloth. "Shh okay we'll take you home, do you wanna come with us Yurina?" I shook my head as I force a smile.

"No it's fine, Xiaoting needs rest I'll just go back inside and do the interview."

"Well alright, we will head first now. Kindly excuse us to your parents please, we will talk to them next time." — XT mom

I just nod and bowed my head to them, but before that I look into Xiaoting who's giving me those eyes ,she looks.. Scared.. And I can't help not to blame myself, I didn't went back inside the venue and directly went to my car as I don't know where the hell will I go, later on I stopped an parked my car at the beach, I drag myself outside as I sat down at the sand not far from the shore, my body feel numb, my eyes is getting blurry, I gave the see my gaze.

"Why?Why is it have to now, why it has to be like this?!" I shouted hard I don't care if someone hears me or see me here although it's dark here.

One thing I notice earlier, Yujin wasn't there, is that one of the reason?I know that it's not all about her parents. They thought that Xiaoting said yes to me, but deep inside her she said no.

End of flashback

—

We got back to together after a month, after that engagement happen but it's not the same anymore and I know it. Last night, I think it will be unforgettable because we made love, I'll miss all of her, her touch, the smell of her, her beautiful face, her voice, her smile that can brighten my day just by seeing it.

I'm here now at the beach sitting near the seashore, it's almost sunset tho, I ditch my schedule today, I keep staring at my phone wether to call her or not. I closed my eyes as I sighed deeply, I dialed her phone a lot of times already but this time she answered it.

*starts call*

XT: "Hello ai, what's with the sudden call?"

YRN: "Are you busy today?"

XT: "Uhm no, actually we just finished our last schedule for today, why?"

YRN: "Can you come over, I mean now?I need to tell you something"

XT: "Alright, where are you now?"

YRN: "At the place where we first watch the sunset"

A moment of silence.

XT: "Okay, I'll be there in a minute"

YRN: "Yes baby, I'll be waiting"

*ends call*

I ended the call as I can't help not to cry, I'm sobbing right now as I clench my fist getting a hold of some sands, I'll cry it all now because I don't want to cry later while talking to Xiaoting.

Xiaoting, I'm sorry..

—

Anddddd I'm back! Sorry for not updating for about a months :((. Kindly don't hesitate or be shy to leave a comment(s) below, I love reading all your comments guys, give me some thoughts bcs it motivates me<3. How was th past chapters so far?