It was about to happen during this competition. I was surprised, with my luck, it had taken me so long to finally encounter Hui in one of my subgroups.

Dreading the very first day of training, I dragged my feet to Studio A, where Hui, Chanbin, and Choonhae would be waiting. The twins were drafted together, and Hui and I were honored by their joint presence this week. They were young enough to perhaps not know much about the 'Quasar scandal days' and the Hui rumors. Some part of me hoped that was the case.

Everyone was already here and I apologized to the room, before dropping my bag in the right corner.

Our trainer of the week was Kooyoung, as we all had gotten one of the judges appointed to our groups. I was glad about it. He and I got along well.

"Great, everyone is here. Let's get organized," Kooyoung pointed at the board where four positions were still open: the Killing Part and center, Main Vocal, Main Rapper, and Lead Vocal.

Of course the best of the bunch was landing the Killing Part, and if that wasn't possible, one of the Main parts. I wasn't a rapper, so I would solely focus on either Main Vocal or Killing Part. I knew Hui shared that same sentiment.

Chanbin was our only rapper, so I suppose that part was already settled. Little Choonhae was improving every day in our vocal sessions, but she wasn't ready for a Main one yet. That left me and Hui to battle it out.

"You can have the Killing Part, Lux," Hui said gently. Walking toward the board and hanging my name next to it. "If no one has any objections?" The Song twins nodded in agreement, but I didn't feel so inclined to be told what to do.

"I don't want it like that, Hui. I don't want to be handed the thing." I walked to the board and snatched my name away. "Let's do this honestly."

"Minlee," Kooyoung said, and I noticed Hui frowning upon hearing my real name from between his lips. "You are very much suited for the Killing Part. Why won't you just take Hui's generous offer and go for it?"

This was precisely why. Too many men in my life told me what I was supposed to do. It lead to many bad things, and I couldn't continue the trend. I wasn't about to start this argument with the twins and our trainer watching. Or my ex-fiancé.

"Maybe I want the Main Vocal," I added sternly. "Maybe that's the part for me. I wouldn't know yet, since we still have to audition for it."

There.

That was firm enough to make my point.

The room fell silent, and I felt like an annoying brat who was never satisfied. Everyone was staring at me oddly. Choonhae wasn't even making eye contact.

"I wasn't trying to... offend you," Hui said gently, and in the way, he phrased it, I could tell he was walking on eggshells. I saw the look again. The pity look. People would never forget about my past. I was stuck with this label forever.

The unstable one.

Kooyoung's expression was different. It was more calculating.

"Very well, please do audition if that's what you want," he said.

That was what I wanted, and my needs matter. I had spent years taking orders from a man who never had good intentions with me.

a man who belittled us daily.

A man who thought he had a right to every part of us. Every part that made us who we were. He would take all of it and crush it between his palms. Only to build us up again and tear us back down to nothing.

He was-

Suddenly a flashback hit me so hard that I felt sick. My stomach heaved. I felt a cold sweat breaking out. I was holding the wall for support as the room tried to swallow me whole.

"Lux?" Hui's hand found itself on my lower back, but I heard his voice from far away.

My breathing started to pick up, and now I could distinguish Kooyoung and Choonhae's worried voices too, as I kept both palms on the wall, trying to even out my erratic breathing and frantically beating heart.

It was too hot in here.

I couldn't breathe.

My chest constricted. I couldn't breathe.

Oranges, oranges, oranges! Oranges, no!

I can't breathe!

I must have said it out loud because Hui said, "You can nae sarang, just breathe slowly. Follow my lead."

I shook him away, clawing at the room, at anything, at anyone, for just some tiny intake of oxygen. I was dying! I was going to die!

"What is happening to her? What the fuck?"

"She's having a panic attack!"

"Somebody do something! She's turning blue in the face with it! Why isn't she breathing?"

"Minlee, listen to us! Just breathe, okay?! You are safe here. He can't reach you!"

I couldn't distinguish the voices. I gasped as I let a small amount of air in. It left me in a high-pitched squeak as if I couldn't do more than breath through a straw.

I started mumbling about dying and that I was scared. I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to get away from him. He was hurting me, and it never stopped. It never stopped, and the entire industry was watching us and nobody saw.

We were never heard and never truly seen. Living with a monster each and every day.

Please, somebody help me!

It was too loud in here. Between my heartbeat increasing even more and my raspy breaths, the music, and the voices screaming, I was going crazy.

               Until everything stopped.

Two hands had reached for my shoulders, turning me towards whoever had me in their grip.

I felt a wet cloth being dragged across my brow. Some lukewarm drops slid away, and with every bit of liquid sliding down my cheeks, I felt myself returning to myself. The soft touches were bringing me back into safety, out of the memories of him.

"Slowly, Sarang. Slowly," Hui's voice reached me clearly. Between all the noise, he reached me.

As the last liquid disappeared into the cold studio air, I felt so drained I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt someone lift me into their arms and carry me away from the place I hated more than anything.

My memories.