(Trigger warning for self-harm)

The roof was always quiet. Below me, the dorms were rowdy at this time of the night. Everyone is living on adrenaline and fear these days. We had four more days until debut, and everything would change. I thought about Kooyoung and the impossibility of our relationship. He couldn't choose me to join the final line-up in his profession. We would never be able to be together.

"Can I join you?" It was Hui's voice. I would recognize him everywhere.

After Chanbin collapsed on stage we have gotten closer. He was there for me when the trauma resurfaced again. I saw Jinnie's dead face when I looked at Chanbin that day, and it had wrecked me.

We sat in silence for a while until he broke it softly.

"I sometimes think about that night," I knew which night he was referring to. The night we split ways. The night I told him we could never be together. The night I was planning on leaving not only him.

Together they had soared.

A flashback took me back to my thoughts of that night.

It was what I hoped people would remember us by. As I ran my hands through my hair while typing away at the letters I was preparing, a sudden feeling of melancholy hit me. I wouldn't let myself cry. I couldn't. If I started, it would release the floodgates, and I needed to be strong to be able to walk away. From him. From all of this.

I had restarted writing his letter a hundred times in the last weeks. I don't think I will ever find the right words. There is nothing in the entire alphabet or library of words, I could find to describe what I felt for Lee Hoetaek.

My dearest Cheonsa.

Was all it said and had been saying for weeks. I couldn't continue.

Hui had asked me again last night if I needed help. I had lied. I had lied to him about what I was doing. I hated it. In my last moments I would have with him, I at least wanted honesty. First and foremost. Before the end.

I couldn't give him that, and I needed it to be honest now in this letter.

I had tried everything, but my broken, eaten, soul just wouldn't heal. I had just about twenty percent left.

It made me even more resolute to just cut my blessings and go out Lux style.

My dearest Cheonsa.

               I can never find the words. I will never be able to.

I am still so grateful I could live in such beautiful illusions. I keep telling myself I will not go anywhere and that whatever awaits me on that first day of spring on the banks of the afterlife, will be nothing but pink clouds and profound blessings. My current dreams accepted everything.

I could still imagine the world and the future in front of me—a  future with you. My figments have always been my friends, even in nightmares, I could see beauty and grace.

If an afterlife exists, I imagine it's all this. You and me, soaring high. You and me, dreaming on the figments forever.

"I have always wondered why you didn't go... that night." He whispered, his hand clasping mine.

How did he know? I never went through with it, and I never sent the letters. I had ended it with him and had never had the balls to retract the statements I had made that night. They had been harsh and cruel, trying to push him as far away from me as I could.

"Jinnie," I replied with a dry throat. I was raw now, all my insides carried on the outsides. "She had a dream, and if I had done more for her, she would still have that dream now. If I went away, I would have taken the cowardly way out and would never be able to repay anything to her ever again."

"You are looking at this all wrong, Lux," Hui sighed and dragged me in for a hug. "You don't have to repay anything. Trust me, if anyone has paid their dues, it's you! It was not your fault and will never be your fault. And Friday night, you will debut again. You will make Jinnie proud, and that's all that matters now."

I buried my face in Hui's shoulder, seeking solace in his embrace. His words resonated deep within me, touching the wounded parts of my heart that still longed for forgiveness and redemption. The weight of guilt had burdened me for so long, consuming my thoughts and driving me to the brink of despair.

"But I let her down, Hui," I whispered, my voice choked with emotion. "I promised her that we would soar together, that we would achieve our dreams. And instead, she's gone, and I'm here, trying to find my way back without her."

Hui held me tighter, his warmth and understanding seeping into my trembling form. His presence was a source of strength, a reminder that I wasn't alone in my struggles.

"You didn't let her down, Lux," Hui said gently, his voice filled with compassion. "Jinnie knew how much you cared for her, how fiercely you protected her. You were there for her in ways no one else could be. The circumstances that led to her passing were beyond your control. Blaming yourself won't change what happened."

I took a shuddering breath, trying to absorb his words. It was a battle against the guilt that had become a constant companion, an internal war between self-blame and self-forgiveness.

"You're right," I finally murmured, my voice wavering but filled with a newfound determination. "I need to stop punishing myself for something I couldn't change. Jinnie would want me to move forward, to pursue my dreams, just as she wanted to pursue hers."

Hui's hold on me softened, and he gently brushed a stray tear from my cheek. "That's the Lux I know," he said, a tender smile tugging at his lips. "Strong, resilient, and full of talent. You have the power to make a difference, to honor Jinnie's memory, and to create a future where both of your dreams can intertwine."

I nodded, a flicker of hope rekindling within me. The darkness that had consumed me for so long began to recede, making room for a glimmer of light.

"Thank you, Hui," I whispered, gratitude lacing every word. "For being here, for understanding, and for reminding me of who I am."

He gave me a gentle squeeze before releasing me from his embrace. "You don't have to thank me, Lux. We're in this together, remember? We'll support each other through the highs and lows, and we'll find a way to make our dreams come true, just like we always planned."

As I looked into Hui's eyes, I saw a reflection of my own determination, mirrored back at me with unwavering support. In that moment, I knew that no matter what obstacles lay ahead, I wouldn't face them alone.

Together, Hui and I would navigate the uncertainties of the debut, carrying the memories of Jinnie within our hearts and finding strength in each other. And as we walked back to the dorms, I held onto the belief that the first day of spring would this time bring not only new beginnings but also a path towards healing and forgiveness.