Secrets.

For many, many years as an idol, it had been my currency. I would be keeping so many of them at the same time, it was sometimes hard for me to distinguish reality from imagination.

My identity had primarily been created for the public view. It had been fabricated from dreams and an intrinsic need for more. Yet, what it actually had done was drive the real Minlee so deep down in her own abyss, I sometimes didn't even know who I am anymore.

I became Lux. 

I was the idol.

The real me had disappeared and I wasn't sure I would ever truly be back to myself. Not after everything he had put me through. Put us through. 

My mind brought me back to seven years ago, the absolute rock-bottom of rock bottoms and I shivered. His name made bile rise up in my throat. Visions of Jinnie returned, her face when-

No. No. No.

I shook my head as I folded my training clothes for tomorrow.

"You alright?" Allison asked. She had been drafted as my roommate, and I was glad. Somehow we had connected from the beginning.

"Fine," I replied, and she noticed I was done talking about this. I assumed she knew what I had been thinking about. The shame still found me. A slick snake of dread creeping up and down my spine each time I felt another person think about my situation.

There was always pity in their gaze too. I didn't deserve sympathy. I despised it.

Someone knocked on our bedroom door, and Allison and I turned around at the same moment.

Another one of my secrets from my past came through the door. Lee Hoe Taek. We had dated for over four years before the scandal hit three years ago. It wasn't even the reason for our break-up. He hadn't known the real cause and still didn't.

When he looked at me, I saw every emotion pass through his gaze. Anger, hurt, sadness, love, and tenderness. "Lux."

After all, he has always been a good guy, and I wasn't a good girl.

"Hui," I greeted him with his stage name too and a little bow. Allison gave the both of us big eyes, and it was clear to me she had been a shipper of our relationship – Hux - once upon a time. As with all fandoms, the rumors about the two of us had constantly been swirling, many fan fictions have been written, yet we had never confirmed it. We also had never been caught by some kind of miracle.

Hux, had been a ship name trending on many occasions. I remember vividly the two of us being in Thailand for a week, reading all the Twitter notifications in bed while sipping wine and laughing about the fans thinking we were spotted in New Zealand together.

They hadn't been wrong, not entirely. We had been together. Just not where they thought we were.

I still had his engagement ring in my jewelry box in my Gangnam apartment. He didn't want it back. I didn't want to keep it. Yet, I occasionally took it out, thinking about what could have been—the mistakes and choices I could have prevented.

"I-I will go and check if Gio wants to practice some more tonight!" Allison sped out of the room like her tail was on fire.

I eyed my ex-boyfriend, trying to maintain my composure. I couldn't let him see I still missed him.

"How have you been?" he entered the room and closed the door. His voice was raw. Hurt.

I hadn't seen him since our break-up. Yet, he had congratulated me by text when I had won my court case. After our ending, he started his military service, and I saw all of it on his face. He looked a little older. A certain aura clung to him now. One that said he had lived through things. Maybe I had been that thing.

"Surviving," I decided to go with an honest answer for a change.

He nodded once, understanding. I suppose he has been too.

We would be battling each other in the first elimination, his group was the other All-Star one, and we had been drafted the same genre of song.

"Good luck, Lux. I truly mean that," he said and turned around, leaving me in my feelings.