Do you ever look at someone and be grateful to be in their presence? Even if it's just for a fleeting moment.

I've had this with Hui since the very first day we met. To me, he has always been a ray of light and the sunshine on a gloomy day—my Sunday morning.

With him, I could forget the nightmares and the feelings of guilt I had to live with every day. He made me feel complete as if all my broken parts didn't matter. In his eyes, I was not the Quasar maknae, reduced to my fame and nothing else. I was his queen. And for me, being used to the male gaze judging my every move and the female gaze as well, having been the victim of choice for sadists like he who will not be named, it felt good to be seen by Hui. Really good.

The day I forced myself to let him go was the day some of my broken parts cracked again. You see, I couldn't keep him. I was absorbing too much of him. All that light didn't mesh well with my scars. They lit me up from within, to him I was a nova star but to others I was a cracked piece of discarded furniture, trying to be something I was not.

All that goodness wasn't meant for me. He would have given all of him to me, every last bit of light, just to keep me shining. Through those cracks I saw it evaporating more and more each day. As I took in more of him and he gave it to me, smiling as I took and took.

I couldn't allow it to happen. He needed to find someone with no broken parts who could give the same light back and not just take. So they could glow together and not have one draining light vampire in the mix.

So I had to let him go. I should have felt relief because he would be safe from me. From my dark demons. Yet, all I could think about were the what-ifs.

What if I've let him in completely and realized all that light wasn't meant to mend me but to build me? What if his light had the power to merge me, make me whole again, and I had passed up on that gift. Because, in all honestly, loving someone so profoundly has made me afraid. Scared of losing the most important thing I had ever come across.

I've thought about it too many times, and as I got another text from him that morning at breakfast, I felt it in my heart. A sharp pain. I could not go through this again with him. He was too good. Too bright. Too light. And I was anything but.

'Are you going to eat that?' Allison asked, staring at my eggs and interrupting my thoughts.

'Go to town.' I sighed and pushed them towards her. Allison was sitting next to me, equally quiet. Glancing around the room with a cold disdain.

Every other day we were alone at this massive table for twelve. We were so isolated that all tables in our vicinity were also abandoned. As if our fame somehow made us unapproachable.

The hour was almost up, and we needed to be at the training hall for our group sessions. Allison stared at the corner where Jiwoong was eating and I gave her a knowing smile.

"You two seem close these days?"

"Yeah, we are friends."

Friends huh...