Jui're

Not calm, heart beating fast, pain in my heart and pain in my soul.
My soul is crying I don't even know why, aching a hole in my chest,
My heart punctured by the unknown.
The stars have fallen and the moon has stopped shinning the sky has turned black, I didn't understand why but I was walking in the dark and I wasn't aware.

Sometimes not knowing is much better than knowing, sometimes it's better to feel the pain and the ache so you could try heal and move on but how will you stand firm if you're right leg has been cut off and half of your heart ripped away, in the moments you thought you could be strong you become the weakest.

Suffocating and choking is not a good way to die, but here I am dying and I don't even understand why.

I shouted myself awake as the as cold sweat trickled down my face and my body, ever since I saw Yang Yang I haven't been at peace. I have the fear of the unknown but even though I was worried about him my heart was swelling at the memory of being kissed by Dijiun, every time I think about it my face gets very hot.

As I couldn't sleep anymore I woke up and went outside, the sky wasn't blue and there was no stars in sight everything was completely dark. "XiaoBai, what are you doing outside at this time?" Dijiun's voice had startled me. "I couldn't sleep." He hummed. "Why are you here?" I asked softly and he walked towards me. "Where else would I be XiaoBai?" Goosebumps raised on my skin and I shivered. "Your supposed to be with your Empress." He made a clicking sound. "I'm not here for her, I'm here for you." I gasped. "Why are you gawking at me?" He asked again and I looked away, a sweet throaty laugh escaped from his lips. "You're just teasing again." He sighed. "XiaoBai I wouldn't have left heaven if I wanted to tease you." I quickly turned around and looked at him. "You remember me?" I said in an uncertain voice. "Yang Yang sealed my memories only temporarily." I nodded my head and my stomach dropped. "XiaoBai, in heaven I cannot give you the love you desire.." He started. "Why?" I interrupted him. "We're not meant for each other." That's something I already knew but I just wanted to push the boundaries. "Says who?" He frowned. "Why does your fate with love have to be set on a stone, when you can just make your own fate?" He caressed my face. "Sometimes you're clever and sometimes I wonder what goes on in your head?'' He looked at my phoenix flower and lightly touched it. "I wasn't aware that you and Yang Yang we're so close." He said as he looked down at me. "He scolded me on the day you got sick after you had cut your tails, he has a very nasty temper." I laughed at that, truly Yang Yang had a nasty temper but it was rare for him to get mad, his temper was just as bad as mine. "Dijiun why are you doing this?" He turned away from me and looked at the sky. "It's the only thing I could give me." Then he grabbed and kissed me again, gentle soft lips caressing mine in a slow exotic dance.

After he pulled away he caressed my face. "Sleep with me." My heart thundered as my face flush. "I... You... Uh..." He laughed as he pulled me into his arms. "I won't do anything to you XiaoBai, not yet anyway." I felt myself shivering again. "I have always wanted to be with you in the same room, without anybody else." He put out his hand for me and I took as he led me to his palace.

It felt like I was dreaming and as good as this dream was, I found myself worrying about the pain it would cause but Dijiun seems genuine this time so I will trust in him and trust that he won't hurt me again. "Why are you quiet XiaoBai?" He just softly and I sighed. "I was hoping to see the stars but there isn't any, it's like they are conveying something but to us down here the message isn't clear." He looked at me then up at the sky. "That's one way to look at it, or maybe it symbolises the start of something new." He looked at me and the look in his eyes spooked me. "If something new is starting, why isn't there a single light in the sky?" He was quiet for a moment. "Not everything starts in light XiaoBai." He said softly and I nodded my head, we got inside the palace. "You should sleep, I will back." He kissed my hand as he left the room, my hands were shaking and I was going to fall if I didn't sit down quickly, I hugged myself but I was too excited to sleep so I waited for Dijiun to come back.

Something is starting, I can feel it in my soul.
Can I start loving you the best way I can? Can I lay my heart freely in front of you without having to shield my heart?
Is it safe?
Is it safe to let you inside my heart and let you see what's in there?
I'm not afraid but I can't handle being hurt again, when you are alone handling pain by yourself is too much,
So tell me that I have nothing to fear because you will take and cherish what I have to give you, cause if not I'm really going to be hurt.

Everything doesn't start in light like you have said, but ever since I met you all I have seen was light though I was still walking in darkness.
Tell me will it be wrong to say that you have filled my heart with a thousand emotions that I can convey into every single kiss, will you understand what my lips say to yours without the use of words.
Can I let my guard down?
Can I believe everything you say?
Can I put my trust in us and trust in your heart?

Dong Hua

She stares at me with dark eyes that have no soul, no light and no warmth.
Wearing a black and red robe the girl that I fell in love with was nowhere in sight. "XiaoBai." I said softly but instead of answering me she looked at me sternly. "XiaoBai? Dong Hua Dijiun do you still think of me as pathetic, my name is Fengjiu." She circled around me and pointed a sword at me. "XiaoBai everyone is worried about you! You have killed so many people!! That's not like you." She laughed. "Not like me? What is like me Dong Hua? You wound me Dong Hua here I was thinking that, we were getting along." She laughed again as she removed the sword from my neck and licked the sharp tip. "Leave." She stated coldly. "XiaoBai if you don't stop they...." She smirked. "Let them try." She summoned a bolt of fire and threw it right at me, I didn't dodge hoping that she care but instead there was just a dark void. "Run along to heaven so they can fix you up." Just like the night she disappeared.

This has been on my mind for a very long time, I can't stop thinking about it or shake it of my dreams.
I always hope that these are nightmares and not things waiting to happen because I don't want XiaoBai to be like that, it would break me.
XiaoBai looked at everything as it was in front of her and not what is beyond, something was wrong I wasn't supposed to remember her this quickly.
Either Yang Yang unsealed my memories of her or my feelings for her are stronger than what I thought and imagined, XiaoBai is warm, gentle and sweet and I never want that to fade away.

I can see your heart clear as day and believe me I want it all for myself,
When it comes to love, I am just as clueless as you are but XiaoBai I know that your love is true.
In a world where I wasn't obligated to things, I would find you sooner and marry you even though we're not meant to be together that doesn't I can't keep you by side.
Hurting you is not something I want to do or make you feel but it's the only way I know you will let go, I have may goddesses but none were ever true and pure like you are.
It may not show but XiaoBai every bit of me has changed, I promise to never hurt you anymore.
I want to love you,
With my heart, my soul and with all mind, don't give up on me not just yet.