Chapter Four

Jiu're


Sometimes the heart knows what it wants before you do, it tells you but sometimes you don't listen because you think you know what you want and sometimes what you need is right in front of you. Sometimes you look for something without knowing that you are searching and you get blindsided when its right in front of you, many look for knight in shinning armours that could swoop in and save the day but the reality is everybody just wants to be loved and not to be left alone.


What do I want? well I am in a palace of the most feared and ancient God even I can't answer that question, Yang Yang has warned me so many times not to get hung up on Dijiun because it will end in misery and heartbreak for me but there is something Yang Yang doesn't understand, if you fall for somebody its not a choice it just happens and love is a feeling but also a decision. If I fall Dijiun that will be the decision I make and therefore their consequences I will have to face, I have never been afraid of the consequences because I have always faced them on my own when everybody disappears in the background and the dark catches me I am always by myself.


I woke up to the smell of sandalwood and a very strong tea scent, I rubbed my eyes as I got off the bed and I found Dijiun sitting opposite my bed staring at me. "Your Majesty." I said in greeting as I bowed my head, he frowned at me. "Did I wake you?" he asked softly and I shook my head. "Not you but the incense you put in the incense burner, I am very sensitive to smell." he gave me a apologetic smile. "When I came to check on you, you seemed restless and I thought this would help you my heart skipped several beats. "Since you're awake take walk with me, I know its still to early." he said softly and I nodded my head and followed him outside. Although it was still early the sun was already out and shinning very brightly but there was still the coldness of the wind. "XiaoBai." he said softly and my heart almost stopped and I looked at him. "Tell me honestly, why are you here?" he looked curious and I smiled at him. "Why do you keep asking when you already know the answer." he sighed. "You're here to pay me back?" he asked and I nodded my head. "Is it that important to you?" he asked again and I nodded my head and he sighed. "Hopefully you're different." he mumbled that part to himself but I heard it loud and clear. "Don't worry I won't fall in love with you." as I said those I could hear the disappointment in them and he frowned but didn't say anything. "Then I have nothing to worry about." he said in a very cold voice and my eyebrows furrowed. "What's wrong?" I asked and when he turned to look at me his face was impassive. "Nothing, you shouldn't be here I don't need your payment, so you are free to go and if I were you I would leave as soon as possible." he narrowed his eyes at me and stared at me coldly and I gaped at him. "Don't waste your time with meaningless things." then he walked away from and he left me stunned but most of all he left me feeling hurt.


I walked back into my room and I just stared at the wall and I laughed out loud, I wasn't laughing cause anything was funny but because for a moment there I saw my father him. I sighed an decided it was time to cook breakfast for Mr stone cold, I went into his palace and into the kitchen and I prepared some porridge for him when I came from the kitchen he was already sitting at the low table, I didn't say anything to him as I placed the food in front of him and I bowed. "XiaoBai." he whispered and I looked at him. "Is there anything else His Majesty would like?" I saw a deep frown settle on his face, he shook his head. "No, there isn't anything." I nodded my head and bowed softly and left quietly , I went to look for Yang Yang and I found him sitting with Mei but I wasn't in the mood to see them suddenly and I turned around and went to Dijiun's palace and he was meditating and I didn't want to disturb him so I just sat quietly in front of him and watched him. "What do you think of me? I'm not like the million goddesses you have met and if you don't want me here I'm not going to force myself on you." I sighed as I looked at him and traced the outline of his face and touched his long beautiful hair. "You must have had a lot of goddesses that have fallen in love with you and you must be really made of stone if you turned them all down or maybe its because they don't have what you want." I twirled his hand around my finger. "Although you grew up with no parents you seem to have just survived so well, Dijiun I am not like every goddess you have met so don't compare me to them." his eyebrows twitched but he didn't open his eyes and I smiled. "I am not the type to take advantage of kindness, I appreciate kindness. You think I will fall in love with you and even if I do what's wrong with that? Falling in love with you is my decision and not yours, I already like you but its not because you saved me. I liked you even before I met you, I have read everything about you and did almost everything you did except mastering the Buddhist theories those are just awful I don't know how you can understand them, even though I never knew that you looked like this I have always admired you, your heart is so cold on the surface. Somehow I don't buy this cold act but like I said if you don't want me I will go just let me serve you until my heart has enough, I won't cause you any trouble." I whispered softly and then I kissed his forehead and I left him quietly.


Dijuin


My heart was beating so fast and I couldn't even think straight when I had spoken to her earlier in the morning I knew that I had hurt her feelings and apart of me thought that she would leave but I was so surprised to see her when she came to cook for me, apart of me was thrilled she didn't leave but apart of me was wondering why she stayed even though I treated her that way. She didn't even curse me or say anything bad she just took it and didn't even say anything to me.


When she walked in and I had my eyes closed I was just resting and I could feel her presence I was so aware of it that apart of me was so tempted to open my eyes but I wanted to see if she would say something. Her voice is so sweet and gentle although she holds herself back, I like the way she is and I wish I could reach out to her. Out of everything she said to me, I was happy about one thing that she wasn't going to leave no matter what until her heart has enough, that was good enough for me but something in me twisted at the thought of her leaving and I frowned not liking this feeling one bit, there is something about her and something about her phoenix flower that doesn't want me to let her go or look away from it.


Somethings are so hard to fulfil but some other things make you rethink every decision you have ever made and just because you don't believe in something it doesn't mean that it will never happen for you, you may not believe in something but that doesn't mean that its not there. A decision that you make without thinking may have consequences that may change your whole future and destiny and later you might come to regret it.


In the rain I have walked and my soul has danced without anyone reaching for it, I made a decision but now I question it whether it was the right call or whether the abandonment I felt and have known made me make the decisions that I have taken, my heart is contemplating many things and I don't know whether it is because of my heart or because of the girl with the phoenix flower on her forehead.


We grow like the trees and live longer like love but we hurt like there is no tomorrow, we bury our fears and never open to the ones that care. We push them away and never explain we live as long as love never fading and forever strong, there is something in her that I see and I might be afraid to get it because of the consequences that are waiting.


Tell me that there is sign, a sign that she won't leave no matter what but her goodness makes me fear should I fail at this task.

Comment