You're not going to like this but I think it adds depth to their relationship. Also I like making you emotionally distressed.

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"Hold still," the medic said.

Carter kept her chin raised, trying to remain immobile but she felt herself shaking. She could still see the man's eyes, the desperation in them. Could feel the knife as it cut her skin. Any closer and she wouldn't be sitting there on the exam table.

"How does that feel?" the medic asked.

Carter touched the bandage on her neck.

"Good," she said.

"It wasn't deep so it should heal up in the next week."

It was barely a graze but it didn't matter, Carter could feel the harsh bite of cold metal.

The door to the exam room opened and Donovan hurried inside. His face was a storm of fear and worry, all of it rushing towards Carter. She couldn't do this. Not now. Not here.

She knotted her finger together so he wouldn't see them trembling.

"Brock told me," Donovan said, looking to her neck.

No. She couldn't do this. His concern threatened to tip her over the edge.

"I'm fine, Donovan," Carter said, pleased that her voice came out steady, almost indifferent. "It was barely a scratch."

Donovan took a step forward as the medic busied herself.

"Carter, it was your first major altercation with an assailant," Donovan said.

Carter forced a laugh. "Yeah, but it's not my first fight."

It was true and false. She'd been in fights but not ones like this. Not ones where it was life or death.

"I'm fine. You can stop hovering."

Donovan backed away. She needed him to leave. She needed to not see his worry for her. She couldn't let herself appear weak, not in the office. Not when she'd only been on the job for two months.

Donovan nodded. "Of course, you're fine."

When he left, Carter let out a low, shaky breath.

"Am I done here?" she asked the medic.

"You're all set."

Carter quickly left the medic wing and made her way back to her desk. As she left the elevator on the eleventh floor, Brock caught up to her.

"Hey," he said. "I want to check in and see how you're doing."

"I'm fine. It was a scratch."

Carter wished the Keller brothers would leave her alone. She wasn't weak, she could handle an altercation. Did they think that she couldn't?

Brock put his hand on Carter's shoulder turning her towards him.

"I'm not asking as the brother to your boyfriend. I'm asking as the leader of the team your on."

Carter settled a bit at that. But she still wasn't going to admit to anything. She did not needed to be coddled.

"I'm fine," she said. "I was about to write up my report on the incident."

"Good," Brock said. "We managed to retrieve the man's phone and tomorrow I'm going to have you track all the numbers on his call list."

"Sounds good."

At her desk, Carter started typing, breaking down why the team had gone to the warehouse in searching for evidence of drug deals. Ran into a gang and got into an altercation. As Carter wrote out the fight, she found against her shaking fingers as she typed.

She knew the look of anger in someone's eyes, the hard glint of it. But desperation was new. It was something almost manic. She'd seen it in the eyes of the man who lunged for her. It said he'd do anything to survive, including taking her life without a thought.

Carter stopped and raised her hands, they shook. She flexed her fingers willing the tremors to go away, trying to force the memory out of her mind. Shaking out her hands, she finished the report.

As she did, Donovan appeared at her desk.

"Do you want to grab dinner?" he asked.

No, she didn't. What Carter wanted to do was curl up in his arms and cry from the fear of what she'd faced. She swallowed the thought.

"I don't feel like eating out. I think I'll head home."

"Want me to drive you?"

Carter hesitated, then accepted.

In the car, Carter braced herself for more of Donovan's probing questions. But to her surprise, he didn't say anything. They traveled in silence. Carter stared out the window, not sure if she liked the quiet or not. It felt different than the ones they usually shared.

Donovan pulled up to the curb outside her apartment building and Carter opened the door. She paused and looked back, planning to ask Donovan to come up. They could order food, watch a movie. Carter would curl into his arms and he'd hold her, making her feel safe again.

But Donovan had his phone out and was typing a message.

"If you want," Carter said. "We could get take out."

Donovan glanced up. "Actually, I asked Brock if he wanted to grab dinner." His phone dinged. "He's down. Have a good night."

Carter climbed out of the car and shut the door. She watched Donovan drive away. In her studio apartment, she felt the emptiness around her. Kicking off her shoes, she got into her bed, wrapped her blanket around her. But it wasn't the same, she wanted Donovan but he wasn't there.

******

The next day as Carter walked into the cafeteria of the Bureau, she spotted Donovan talking to a fellow coworker. Carter approached them. Donovan saw her, nodded once but turned back to his companion. The casualness of his greeting and lack of expression startled Carter.

She walked passed the pair and grabbed a cup for coffee. After filling it, she turned around, planning to wait until Donovan was done to talk to him, but she found he was no longer there.

Carter stood there, feeling thrown by Donovan's disregard. She'd faced smaller things than this altercation and he'd always checked in with her.

Pushing away his strange action, Carter decided to get to work. She met with her team and they reviewed what intel they'd received the previous day. Brock dismissed everyone to their assignments, but stopped Carter as she headed out of the conference room.

"How are you doing?" he asked, glancing at her neck.

Her neck only stung. A pain that was easily ignored. The internal scar left behind and Donovan's odd distance weren't as easy. But that wasn't something she would talk about with her team leader. Even if that leader was Brock.

"It's minor," Carter said. "Feels weird when I eat but nothing more serious than that."

"I'm glad to hear it."

As Carter headed back to her desk, she decided to take a detour past Donovan's. But as she approached, she found him intently studying a case file. He glanced at her as she neared but gave no more acknowledgment than that.

Carter kept moving, hurt. The rest of the day she spent focused on her tasks while partly thinking over Donovan.

At the end of the day when Carter went to ask if he wanted to get dinner, someone told her he'd already left. Carter stood frozen by his desk, not knowing what to.

The next two days followed the same pattern, Donovan barely talking to her at work and disappearing at the end of it. When Friday rolled around, Carter made a point to find him early and ask him to come over that evening. Donovan said yes but Carter didn't feel relief. A wall had come between them.

The drive to Carter's apartment was silent. A silent too crammed with the tension of the last three days to be comfortable.

Carter walked into her apartment, Donovan trailing after her. She crossed over to the small kitchen, thinking to get them something to drink.

But when she turned around Donovan had barely made it past the door. At least he wasn't pretending that he was clueless to why she asked him to come in. Deciding to get right to it, Carter leaned against the counter and crossed her arms.

"Why are you shutting me out?" she asked.

He stared at her a for long second.

"What did you expect to happen, Carter? You shut me out first," he said.

"I wasn't-"

He held up his hand. "Don't. Don't insult me by lying to me about it."

That was justified. But she couldn't admit how much she'd needed him but hadn't wanted him in that moment.

"I was fine."

"You understand that we've been dating for three years, I know you. You weren't fine."

Carter balled her fist then flexed it, hating what she was about to say.

"I couldn't look weak," she said.

"Being vulnerable and honest with someone who you trust and who loves you is not weakness."

"But it wasn't just you, someone else was there. I've barely been in the FBI for two months, I couldn't have it getting to everyone that I broke down over some wound."

"A wound that could have been fatal."

He didn't see. He didn't see and Carter found herself frustrated that he didn't.

"It doesn't matter!" she said. "I couldn't let anyone think I was weak." She shook her head. "You wouldn't get it, you're not a female in a 'man's world'."

Donovan scoffed. "Don't play that card with me. The medic was a woman. One who's seen countless men come through with wounds that made them cry. You think she was going to blab about you getting emotional to everyone? No, you're trying to hide your actions behind a smoke screen. What it comes down to is for the sake of your pride you shut me out."

Carter hated him. Hated the truth in his words. Hated how he saw through the defense.

"Did it ever occur to you that I was terrified for you?" Donovan asked.

At this, Carter couldn't meet his eyes. She'd seen his fear and worry.

"Did you think that maybe I wanted to be there for you because I not only understood but was scared how close you came to death? Huh? But instead you shut me out."

"Which you turned around and did to me," Carter snapped back.

Donovan nodded slowly.

"Yeah, I did," he said. It was his time to let out a slow breath. "Because the truth of it is, I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I have to be perfect or you'll leave me."

Perfect. Did he really think she wanted perfect?

"I don't expect that from you," she said.

"Really? Because we're having this conversation because I treated you in the manner that you treated me. This isn't the first time you've chosen to shut me out in the past two months. Or even on earlier occasions. It happens a lot. But this is the first time that I've done it back to you."

Carter knew it was true and could say nothing about it. Revealing the reason why felt too ridiculous now. Now in the light of how much it hurt Donovan.

Donovan looked at her, his eyes earnest and sad. "What do you think will happen if you keep shutting me out? This time it was because you didn't want to seem weak. The next time it will be for some other reason. But those reasons will add up until it's easier to shut me out than let me in."

"That is not true."

"Really because you shut me out simply because you were worried about what one medic would think of you. This coming from the girl who didn't give a crap about what anyone ever thought of her all the way through high school and college."

This wasn't fair.

"It wasn't one medic, it was everyone else. I didn't want the rest of the agents thinking I couldn't handle this."

"Yes, because one medic was going to gossip, because she doesn't have more important things to do? No, you knew she wouldn't, you didn't want to be weak in front of me."

Carter felt her heart pounding in her chest like she was running for her life. But Donovan spoke calmly. There was no anger in his voice, his expression was controlled, even. Maybe that's why her heart knew before her head did. If they fought it was with energy and harsh barbs. But Donovan wasn't acting that way. He appeared completely detached.

"I think," Donovan said slowly. "That because you don't want to be weak in front of me or your fellow agents that it's best if we take a break."

"What?" the word barely made it past the twisted coils of Carter's throat.

He didn't actually say that. He couldn't have. He wasn't serious.

But the way Donovan held her gaze told him he was completely serious.

"No," Carter said.

"I love you, Carter," Donovan said. "But I can't bear the burden of your past anymore. I'm not your mother, but you don't trust me. Even after all these years."

Donovan reached for the door handle and turned it.

"Don't go," Carter said. "Please, don't go."

Donovan stared at his hand. "Give me a reason to stay."

"I love you."

Donovan lift his gaze to hers, his eyes sad. "I know you do. But that's not what makes relationships last. It's about trust and at the end of the day, you don't trust me."

Right then Carter felt like her heart was going to rip from her chest. All she could see was the way Donovan's hand hadn't let go of the handle, the way his body leaned towards the door, ready to leave her. He couldn't go. He couldn't leave her. She couldn't lose him.

"Marry me!" she said.

"No. Because you're scared and you want to keep me without fully grasping why I'm leaving. You need time to figure out yourself. Goodbye, Carter."

The door shut slowly behind Donovan, closing Carter inside with the gaping hole where he'd been. Carter didn't move. She didn't cry. How could she when he'd ripped out her heart and taken it with him.

She remained a pillar of cold stone, staring at the place he'd stood, watching the shadows shift until the darkness of night made it impossible to see.

Finally Carter roused herself. She felt small, vulnerable in a way she hadn't in years. Not since her mother had come back into her life. Her mother. The one who'd left the scar of abandonment on Carter's heart. A scar so deep it tainted the best thing in her life.

Carter grabbed her satchel and left her apartment. A metro and bus ride later she descended the steps into her old neighborhood. She crossed the street, heading into the narrow lane. The lights were still on in the living room window of the apartment.

When Carter knocked, her father opened the door. Behind him, Maggie was bouncing a wet haired Danny in her arms. Carter looked from Maggie to her father, who looked at her with worry.

"Can you take a walk?" she asked.

Captain called back to Maggie, then slipped on his shoes. Together they headed away from the apartment. Carter didn't say anything as they went and her father kept his peace. When they got to the old playground, they both took spots on the swung set.

"How did you learn to trust Maggie after everything mom had done to you?" she said.

Captain looked at her keenly.

"Because every day she showed me she was trustworthy."

"Even when she messed up?"

"Trust isn't based on someone's flaws, its based on someone's actions. Making mistakes is human nature. And..." He looked at the play set, as if needing a moment to gather his courage. "After I was shot, I was ordered to see a therapist. A common thing after an injuring. Besides talking about my injury, I talked about your mother."

Carter didn't know what to say. He'd never told her he went to therapy. Did he feel embarrassed by it?

"I know we never talked that much after your mother left," her father continued. "We both handled it in our own ways. But maybe we should have." He sighed. "I realized I held onto to so much anger and hurt that it stopped be from seeing the truth of Maggie. I'm not saying you have to go but...maybe talking to someone could help you find closure with what happened."

A therapist. Carter had never given it thought before. But now... She thought of Donovan. His face as he looked at her before he walked out the door.

Carter pushed against the ground, setting herself swaying. Her father said nothing as Carter gently swung back and forth. Donovan's words ran through her head. The last years of being with him filled her mind. The moments where the pain of her past had interfered with their relationship.

Finally, she came to a stop and looked at her father.

"Thank you," she said.

Captain stood up and kissed the top of her head.

"Whatever happens, you will get through it."

She nodded.

When they made it back to the apartment, Carter left her father at the stairs. She had somewhere to be.

It was late by the time she stood outside Donovan's apartment. She wondered if he'd be asleep. It was possible he was. But Carter knew she couldn't spend the night with this hanging over her.

She knocked.

For a moment, she heard nothing.

Then she caught the soft patter of footsteps and the door opened.

Donovan didn't look surprised to see her. But he didn't look happy either. Everything he felt was hidden behind his old impassive mask.

Past Donovan's shoulder Carter saw a book laying open on his couch. He'd been waiting for her. She took that as a tiny sign she hadn't completely lost him.

"What is it, Carter?" Donovan said.

"Okay," she said.

This vague response made Donovan stare at her.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. We'll take a break."

The mask was thrown away and Donovan looked at her with blatant shock and confusion. She understood. A few hours ago she would have been there to fight it out, to argue until they came to some resolution.

But this conflict wasn't like others.

That meant the solution couldn't be either.

"You're right," she said. "I shut you out. I put my past on you when everything you've done has proven you deserve my trust. So...I'm accepting the break and I'm going to...to talk to someone...about my mom...about what happened and create some new habits."

Donovan opened his mouth, closed it and then swallowed. "Are you serious?"

She nodded, feeling at peace with her decision even though all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around Donovan and never let go. But he deserved a girlfriend who treated him better. She would be that. For him and herself.

When she took a step back, Donovan took a step forward as if going to reach for her, to make her stay.

But she didn't let him. This was the right path.

"This isn't goodbye," she said. "We still have work. But I need to work on me." She smiled. "I hope that when I get to the end you'll be waiting. But if not, that's okay too. Goodnight, Donovan. And thank you."

She headed away from him, taking a deep breath because she didn't want to walk away. She didn't want to leave an opening for someone else to come in and take him.

But she forced herself to keep walking.

At the elevator, Donovan called out to her.

"Carter," he said. They locked eyes. "I'll be waiting."

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*Hands you boxing gloves*

It's okay, you can beat the crap out of me if you want to.

As long as you're beating me to a pulp, might as well share your emotionally distressed thoughts with me. 💬💭🗯

This needed to happen. Too many times Carter pulls away from Donovan because of her past hurt. She still hadn't healed from it and so it was time that she did. It's take me a long time to get to the point where I could write this for Carter but I think it's a good step.

I was surprised with how she handled it. Originally, she was going to go to his place and they would talk it out. Totally shook me when she just said okay!

But then again I've never been able to control what Carter does so really I shouldn't be all that surprised. I'm proud of her though, she'd doing it for him and herself. That takes a different type of strength.

Vote, comment, follow because if you don't I could leave you on this terrible ending and not give you the conclusion! HA! He afraid!

THIS QUESTION is for those of you reading The It Girl. Do you prefer:

A long chapter?

A double update with two shorter chapters?

I have a long chapter for next week and want to know which you want.

Also this is your spirit animal for this chapter. 😁