Yeah, yeah I know I keep adding chapters to this saga but it's cause I can. You don't have to read them. That's on you.

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The softest touch on Carter's cheek pulled her from her sleep. She lay completely still, instantly awake. She felt relieved to be free of her dreams, not a nightmare but not pleasant either. The gentle caress came again, brushing aside her hair and drifting over her face.

When she opened her eyes, Donovan sat propped up on his pillow, staring down at her. She held his gaze as he continued to stroke her cheek.

"You are so beautiful," he said.

Carter didn't believe him. She'd glanced at her reflection lately and all she could see was her lank hair, her tired eyes, and the thinness of her face.

"Are you ready for today?" he asked.

She nodded though it felt like a lie.

Donovan pulled her into his arms and she sank into the safety and warmth of him. She closed her eyes, not wanting to leave this cocoon.

"We don't have to do this," he said. "We could become boring people. Get normal, average jobs. We could work in a bookstore. That way I'll always get a discount."

Carter almost smiled at that, but it felt like she'd forgotten how to. Lifting her head, she peered up at him.

"You love books but you would get bored," she said.

"Yes, but we wouldn't put ourselves in dangerous situations anymore. Bored to death but not dead."

"We're not dead now."

He tightened his hold on her and kissed the top of her head.

"No. That's true, we aren't."

He kissed her again.

"You aren't," he whispered.

They laid there, feeling the stillness of their isolated world. A world that felt like only they had inhabited for the last few weeks. Safe and quiet. Too quiet.

Carter tensed. She couldn't go back to the shell of a person. She needed to leave this world and the shadow of who she'd become.

"Okay, no bookstore," Donovan said as if understanding what she'd thought. "I'll make breakfast."

He kissed her and brushed his thumb over her cheek.

"One day at a time," he said.

She nodded. This time it wasn't a lie.

As he went to make breakfast, Carter showered. When she climbed out and began to dress, she stopped halfway through. The pants she used to wear hung loosely on her. And not in the way they had before. She buttoned them and found a gap between her stomach and the fabric. She raised her head and found her reflection.

She froze, fully taking in what, in her dazed state, she'd failed to see before. Arms that were no longer toned, but too thin. Ribs that were scarred from healing and prominent in a way they'd never been before. She turned to the side and held her breath, her shoulder bones jutted out more, and her shoulder blades stuck out.

"Carter?"

Carter snapped from her shock and pulled on her collared shirt, hiding her body. From Donovan, from herself.

As she entered the kitchen, she smelled the aroma of bacon, cheesy eggs, and toasted bagels with peanut butter waiting to be added. She looked over the array and understood. Her body wasn't a mystery to him, he knew exactly what she looked like, how thin she'd gotten.

She sat, hating how she could easily picture him watching her slowly lose weight and not being able to do enough to fix it. All she could remember were vague moments of him urging her to eat. Meals that she drank.

The thought of it, of that void, made her nauseous and she didn't want to eat anything. But she saw Donovan watching her and knew she couldn't refuse. Slowly, she ate but the knot in her stomach made it hard to eat very much. Donovan encouraged her to try and eat more as he went to get ready.

She tried but failed.

Still, Donovan didn't say anything about it when he returned and calculated that the amount of food hadn't changed.

"Do you need me to do your hair?" he asked.

"No. I can do it."

She could do this. She could be the person she had been.

She needed to be that person again.

Ready for the day, they left the apartment and drove away. Carter sat staring out the window, fingers knotted on her lap.

Halfway to work, Donovan reached out, untangling her fingers and sliding his in between hers. She gripped his hand without looking at him.

At the front desk, the security man on duty nodded and smiled at Carter.

"Welcome back, Agent Owens," he said.

Carter nodded, words unable to make it past the tightness in her throat. The elevator rose and Carter stared at the climbing numbers.

"No one is going to be waiting, are they?" Carter asked.

"No. I didn't let anyone know we were coming back today," Donovan said.

Carter let out a relieved breath. The doors parted and they stepped out, surrounded by the hum of voices, footsteps, and typing.

It all felt the same, but not at all.

A few people glanced up as the pair passed by and called out greetings. Donovan took the initiative and waved back to everyone. Carter did all that she could and at that moment it was putting one foot in front of the other.

By the time they reached Direct Townsend's office, it seemed the news of their return had already reached him. He stood in the opening to his office and smiled, a rare display for him.

"Come inside," he said. "It's good to have you back. Do you want anything to eat or drink?"

As she took a seat before his desk, Carter murmured no and Donovan said the same. Townsend settled in behind his desk and leaned forward, clasped hands resting on the desk.

"Agent Owens...Carter, how are you doing?" he asked, his usually stern countenance softened with kindness.

Carter thought about her answer, not wanting to lie to her superior.

"Recovering, sir," she said.

Townsend nodded at this. "I'm happy to hear it. Donovan sent in your latest doctor's report and I'm glad to know that all your wounds are fully healed. Donovan also said you were ready to get back to work."

Carter didn't have an answer to that. She needed to get back to work. But ready? That she didn't know.

"You should know that your return to normal duties will be gradual. Before you can even start working, you will have two weeks of mandatory therapy with our top psychologist."

Though Carter knew this was protocol, she laced her fingers together and gripped them.

"After that, you can either work from home or at a desk on some older cases. You will not have to go back into the field until you feel ready."

Carter relaxed her grip.

"Sounds good, sir," Carter said.

"Dr. Howard is open today if you want to begin your two weeks."

Townsend turned his gaze on Donovan.

"Agent Keller, you mentioned wanting to be part of the Costello case. Your brother is running lead. You can start whenever you're ready. Brock can bring you up to speed today if you like."

"Thank you, sir."

Townsend opened his desk drawer and removed a gun and badge. He set them on his desk.

"It's good to have you back, agent."

Donovan reached out and accepted his returned firearm and badge. He stood, slipping the gun into his shoulder holster and tucking the badge into his pocket.

Both actions were simple but Carter saw how he straightened ever so slightly with it. It was that easy for him to become the agent he'd set aside to take care of her.

Townsend rose and stretched out his hand. The two men shook. A second later, Carter pushed herself up and accepted Townsend's hand.

"I'm happy to have you both back."

They left the office and paused outside.

"Do you want to go see Dr. Howard?" Donovan asked.

Carter didn't know. But as she looked at Donovan she saw an eagerness to move, to be in action that he hadn't had in a while. Maybe he'd had it but she hadn't seen it. She knew what he wanted.

"I'll go," she said. "You go talk to Brock."

"You sure? Because I can go with you and talk to Brock later."

There was only one answer to give because Donovan had a fierce intensity in his eyes. He'd cared for her, now he wanted to finish taking down the men who'd hurt her. She wouldn't take that from him.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you at home," she said.

She kissed him and backed away. But he walked with her to the elevators and saw her into it.

"I'm only a phone call away," he said.

"I know."

"I love you," he said as the doors began to close.

"I love you too."

The therapist's office lay in the adjoining building and all too quickly Carter found herself outside the receptionist's door. She stood there, motionless, convincing herself that it was a simple routine appointment. It merely needed to be gone through and she could get back to where she'd been.

Letting out a breath, Carter walked in. The receptionist greeted her and happily told her that Director Townsend had called and Dr. Howard was waiting for her.

Dr. Howard was a well-dressed man in his fifties with salt and pepper hair and a kind face.

None of his fatherly appearance put Carter at ease, but she sat with a placid expression, not letting him see her discomfort.

He smiled at her and sat with a leather folder on his lap but didn't open it. Instead, he rested clasped hands on top of it.

"I want to start by saying," Dr. Howard said. "The bravery you showed with what you went through is admirable. And that these sessions are to help you readjust to life. I've worked with many cases like you and I want to you know that everything you feel is normal. What you went through was life changing. You are no longer the person you were and that is okay."

He flipped open his leather folder.

"Now why don't we talk about how you're feeling today," he said.

He looked at Carter expectantly but Carter couldn't talk, couldn't move, couldn't blink. No longer the person she was. No longer...

Abruptly, she stood.

"Excuse me."

She darted out of the office, through the receptionist area, into the hall, and made it only down one flight of stairs to the next landing before she had to stop. She couldn't breathe. A crushing weight filled her chest and she struggled to suck in a single breath.

A gentle hand landed on her shoulder.

"Slowly, Owens, take in one breath slowly. Don't rush it."

Carter didn't turn around. She couldn't. She didn't want Mason to witness this. That almost made her laugh, witness a panic attack when he'd witnessed her catatonic. What was she trying to hide from him?

She did as he instructed, taking in a slow breath. The intense pressure in her chest eased a fraction.

"What are you doing here?" Carter asked.

"Donovan called me. He didn't want you to be on your own. Just in case."

Of course, because she was damaged beyond repair. Of course, she'd need a babysitter. She couldn't even sit through an entire session with a therapist. Pathetic.

She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her palms into her eyes.

"Come here," Mason said.

Tenderly, he turned her towards him and hugged her. Carter curled into herself and let Mason hold her. He'd already seen her at her worst, in comparison this was nothing.

"You know," he said. "I have the same reaction to therapists. I want to flee for my life at the sight of them."

A strange tinkling feeling filled Carter's stomach. Laughter. That feeling had been laughter.

Mason drew back and looked at her. He then nodded to the stairway.

"Come on, we're going to get something to eat."

"Why?"

"Because you are really thin and it's freaking me out. And I don't want to go back to work yet. You're my excuse."

Carter didn't argue and went with him. He directed them into the warm interior of Panera Bread, a cafe-type place that smelled like a blend of sweet and savory.

"What do you want?" Mason asked, staring up at the board.

Carter gazed over the metal baskets of bagels and the display of pastries.

"I don't know," she said.

"Okay, I'll order."

The result was Carter ending up with a bowl of steaming mac and cheese and Mason with a cinnamon toast bagel. Tucked away at a corner table, they sat across from each other, Carter taking small bites of her food.

"If you wanted to talk to me," Mason said, staring out at the other customers. "You could."

Carter looked at him and he met her gaze and shrugged.

"I've put up with your constant chatter before, I'm just giving you permission now."

She nodded. "Thank you, Mason."

"Yeah."

But they didn't talk, instead they ate in silence and Carter felt grateful for it.

When Carter returned to the apartment, she moved instantly to the closet. She left her clothes on the floor and changed into one of Donovan's hoodies and pair of sweatpants. She told herself that they always felt big on her and this bigness was no different than it was weeks ago.

In their bedroom, she climbed into the bed and crawled across to Donovan's side. She curled up and stared out the window to wait.

She tried not to think. She tried to not let weeks of losing herself close around her but they were there. There was no escaping how she'd disappeared into herself. No way to avoid how what Dr. Howard said was true: she was no longer the person she'd been.

Since that was the truth, who was she?

It was less than an hour when Carter heard the door to the apartment open. She had expected to spend the day laying there.

Donovan rounded the bed and knelt next to her, cupping her cheek.

"Mason texted me," he said in answer to her unspoken question. "I'm sorry, I should have been there. I shouldn't have left you."

Carter didn't respond to this, only one thought preying on her mind.

"Do you love me differently because I'm not the girl you fell in love with?" she asked.

Donovan froze, his whole body rigid as if she'd struck him. His eyes burned with fire and he moved closer, holding her face.

"Carter, you need to listen to me when I say this," he said, his voice fierce with conviction. "You are exactly the girl I fell in love with."

She started to shake her head but Donovan held firm.

"The girl I fell in love with was undeniably strong and a bit broken. But she overcame that brokenness with her strength. The woman I see before me has overcome a type of brokenness I could never imagine and she did it because she'd undeniably strong."

Carter swallowed hard, her vision blurring. Donovan scooped her into his arms and sat down, holding her tightly.

"I love you now," he said. "More than I ever have."

Cupping her cheek, he tilted her face up to him and stared at her with the same love and certainty he always had. In his eyes, she could remember who she'd always been to him and who she always would be.

"Never doubt who you are Carter," Donovan said. "You are the girl I fell in love with. You are my wife. My best friend. You are my world. That is who you are."

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What's up buttercup? 🧈☕️

And Donovan Keller once again steals my heart. You know, he really has a talent for that.

Thoughts? You can leave them here, there, or anywhere that I can read them. 💬🗯💭

I know, I know depressing chapter, the tears they won't stop coming, my heart has broken in my chest, Joy what have you done to me blah blah blah

*coughs* I mean 😔 yes, it's so very sad and heartbreaking. Only time will mend this wound.

*claps hands together and looks up* Well I'm glad we've cleared that up and can move on. Guess what?! Don't worry I'll tell you. For one shots I have a new motto.

My motto is: Where does Mason come in?

Yup, I ask myself this when I write a one shot now. I ask this because I'm in love, nay obsessed with him! He's my happy spot and so I must spread that happiness where ever I can, as often as I can.

If you oppose this new motto...well tough tater totes there's nothing you can do to stop me! 😁

Psssh like you would ever want to! He's Carter's bestie and we all know it!

Vote, comment, follow and tell me what's the motto with you!

Awwwwwwww