Chapter Thirty- Three: But For Now

{Jesy's POV}


I read through multiple articles about how to get pregnant. Yes, Jordan is away, but I mean when he comes back we can keep trying. 


As I'm readin an ad pops up on the side. Are you infertile? 


I never thought about that? Maybe there's a test or something I can take that tells me whether I should go and see a feritility specialist? 


I search and find a test. Slowly but steadily I do the test. The final button comes before me See Your Answer. Should I click it or not? I mean, it might help me get pregnant or it might send my world crashing down. Either way I click the button and gulp.


You're probably infertile. Might need to see a doctor. I feel sick inside and click off the browser quickly. It's just an internet test, it could be wrong. It's most likley wrong. Why'd I take that test? Ergh I'm so stupid!


I grab the phone book and find a fertilty specialist. I call and book an appointment and luckily enough, there's one in ten minutes if I can make it. Sure can!


I run out to my car, locking up behind me and jump in. I place my phone and purse on the passenger seat and shove my key into the ignition.


I drive within the speed limit to Barnet Hospital and park around in front of the Fertility Centre. I put on my glasses and walk into the centre. There's a few middle aged women in the waiting area.


I walk up to the counter and say who I am. The receptionist says Dr. Cannon is waiting for me and shows me where to go. This is good service! 


I walk down the hall and knock on the door. 


"Come in!" A female voice calls. Thank goodness she's a female!


I walk in and Dr. Cannon stands up and offers me a seat. I sit opposite her in the room, filled with posters and diagrams of the male and female reproductive system. 


"Hello Jessica, I'm Dr. Rose," she smiles shaking my hand.


"Hello. Jesy's fine," I add. She nods and opens her books. 


"So Jesy, what's the issue?" She asks me. 


"Um, well I think I might be infertile," I say a little nervous. She nods and asks for my reasonings. "Well um I did some research and I have an irregular period and my fiance and I have been trying for six months now and we still haven't concieved," I reply.


Dr. Rose nods and writes it down. "Okay, so you're twenty- seven?" She asks. I nod. "Jesy between twenty- five and twenty- nine it's normally quite easy to concieve with or without trying and you say you have a irregular period, which can also be an issue," she explains. "So, I might do some tests and you'll get your results within minutes thanks to modern day technology," she smiles. I smile back, but a nervous smile.


We do multiple tests and I wait in the room looking around whilst Dr. Rose goes and get's the results. These results could change everything for me. I just want a baby but I might not be able to. Why haven't I got Jordan here, or one of the girls? Ergh! 


The door opens and the butterflies in my stomach increase. Dr. Rose sits down oposite me with a white A4 envelope, containing the results that will make or break me. 


"So Jesy, did you want your fiance here for this?" Dr. Rose asks. 


"Um, he's in America," I reply. She nods and bites her lip.


"Any friends you could bring?" She asks. Yes! Three amazing best friends and then there's the boys but I'd prefer to find out alone.


"Um, I'd prefer to find out alone," I reply. Dr. Rose nods and slips the paper out of the envelope.


"Jesy, you're infertile," Dr. Rose says. I feel my heart shatter and my ears start to swell. I take a deep breath and nod. 


"What form?" I gulp. Please be one that's easy to fix!


"You have Endometriosis," she says. Great. "You have it blocking your fallopian tubes and that's why your periods are irregular and the eggs aren't getting through to your womb. The blood still forms for a period but the eggs are unable to pass through." 


I nod and take the papers with information on Endometriosis. 


"Thank you," I nod. 


"I'm always here Jesy, if you need to consult," Dr. Rose smiles. 


"Thanks," I nod and stand up walking out. I place my glasses back on and walk out to the car. I take them off and rest my arms on the steering wheel. 


I cannot have children. My world has just shattered. Stupid, f**king fallopian tubes! Why me? Why the f**k am I stuffed. What's Jordan going to say? Will he want to be with a infertile me? I hate this! I rest my head on my arms and let the tears flood out of my eyes. 


"What would you do? What would you say? How does it feel, pretend it's OK?" I mutter and then sit up. I wipe my eyes and cough. I fix my makeup and get ready to go and see the girls. We decided to meet at our favourite little cafe in Paddington where the paps never find us.


I drive to Paddington listening to the radio, thankfully happy songs are on and I think about how I get to see my girlies! Yes, we saw each other yesterday but we were all angry at Leigh- Anne's robbery. She said over text that she's got good news, which is great! It's what I need at the moment. 


I park the car and get out and walk down the little side street with botique stores and cafes. I pass the baby botique and just turn and look ahead. No need to think about those sorts of things. 


I push open the door of the cafe and the bells jingle. I walk into the cafe that's filled with chatter and spot Leigh- Anne in our normal spot towards the back. She looks up, spots me and waves. I wave back and walk over to her. I slide in next to her and she gives me a big hug.


"You okay Jes?" She asks me. I nod. Please tell me my makeup is okay! "You look a little dazed," she giggles. Oh thank goodness I don't look shattered because that's how I am. 


"There's Jade and Pezz," Leigh waves at them. I look at my two other best friends walking into the cafe. They look across and smile. I smile back until I see Perrie's baby bump. I swallow the lump in my throat and smile again. She was pregnant before you found out so be kind. 


"Hello!" Perrie smiles and slides into the bench oposite us. Jade says hello and sits next to Perrie.


"How are we today?" Leigh asks them. They reply how they're feeling great and we all look at our menus. 


The waiter comes over. "Hello girls!" He chirps. We all say hello to 'Levi' who we always have. "The normal?" He asks. 


"All but Perrie," Leigh replies. We all nod and he writes down Latte for Leigh- Anne, Mocha for Jade and cappuccino for me. 


"Pezz?" Jade asks her. 


"Can I have a vanilla milkshake please?" She asks Levi. 


"Most certainly Perrie!" He replies happily and takes our menus. "Be right back!" He smiles and walks off like a model. Levi is gay. He often sits down and chats with us considering he owns the place. He's an awesome guy! Absolutely hilarious! He's a great listener and a great friend. 


Soon our drinks are back, Levi always gets ours quickly and adds extra chocolate and cream to Jade's. He also brings us shortbread for free, even though we try to pay. 


"Thanks Levi!" I smile. He walks off smiling and we all sip our drinks. 


"So Leigh, your news?" Jade asks her. We all look at Leigh- Anne excitedly.


"They found the girls!" She smiles. That quickly! Geez they're good. "Turns out they'd told their parents and their parents phoned up the police to tell them they'd done it and it was the one's who followed you and Mr. Loverboy home," Leigh looks at Perrie. She nods and does a little fist pump in the air. "Their parents apologised and offered to pay me back but I told them not too. I got my stuff back though and the girls have been fined and given councilling," Leigh finishes.


"Well that's great!" Perrie says in an Australian accent. We all agree. 


"How are you Pezz?" Jade asks our pregnant friend. Pregnant, something I'll never be. Why am I being so bloody negative? Oh gosh. 


"Um I vomite on Zayn last night," Perrie says. We all laugh and she shakes her head. "Literally ON him," she face palms. We all stop and try not to laugh anymore.


"How?" Leigh asks. I really want to know how she did that?


"We were asleep and I had the urge to throw up so I went to jump over him but my legs got caught in the sheet and I threw up on his torso," Perrie explains. We all laugh including Perrie. 


"Being pregnant sounds like it sucks," Jade smiles. "Thank goodness I don't plan on doing it anytime soon," she shivers. 


"Neither!" Leigh adds. "Poor Jesy does, having second thoughts?" Leigh asks me. All eyes are on me and I try to hold it in. I can't have children, they shouldn't say that. But then again, they don't know. Oh my gosh this is so hard. 


I feel a tear slide down my cheek and then a waterfall. I jump up and rush to the toilet to get away from them. I love them dearly but I can't do this. 


{Leigh- Anne's POV}


I watch Jesy jump up and run off crying. I turn to the other two and they look as confused as me.


"Was it something we said?" Jade asks. I shrug and get up to follow her. I head into the bathroom and hear sniffling in one of the cubicals. I feel a presence behind me and Jade and Perrie are there too. 


"Who's watching the bags?" I hiss at them. They cannot just leave our valubles at a table. I already lost most of them yesterday, but they're back thankfully.


"Levi," Jade whispers. Why's she whispering? Oh! Jesy!


I walk over to the closed door and Jade locks the bathroom door behind us. "Jes," I knock on the door. "Jesy," I try to get her out. "Come on Jes, come out," I call.


"She's not a dog." Perrie whispers. I try not to laugh and Jade hits Perrie. 


"Jesy, please come out. We can't help you whilst your in there," I try to reason. I really need to know why she just broke down at the mention of being pregnant?


I hear the door unlocking and Jesy is revealed, mascara everywhere and sniffling. 


"Oh Jes!" I mumble pulling her into a hug. "What's wrong gorgeous," I wipe her tears away. 


"I'm sorry," she mumbles and then washes her face and wipes off her make up. We all just let her do that before we interrogate her. 


"What's up Jes?" Jade asks casually like the mood is happy at the moment. I roll my eyes and Jesy sighs. I'm stuck in a room with Wrong Mood Jade, Emotional Jesy and Pregnant Perrie, fun- not. 


"Jessica, what is wrong?" I ask her sitting up on the bench. Perrie and Jade stand next to each other close by and Jesy stands by herself, which is probably a bit unfair but I think she is okay with that. 


"I went to the doctor today," she starts. We all nod. "About whether I'm fertile or not," she looks down. Oh dear god! No, no, no! Not Jesy, please say you are. 


"And?" Jade asks now worried.


"I'm not fertile," she admits. "I have Endometriosis," she says. 


"Endo what?" Perrie asks confused. Jesy laughs a little.


"Endo- metri- osis Pep," she sounds it out to Perrie like she's a five- year- old. "My fallopian tubes are blocked and eggs aren't coming through. I still get my period irreguarly but my eggs are stuck," Jesy explains.                                 


We all stand there in shock, not sure what to say. I decide to just hug Jesy and so I do. When I hug her I feel two more sets of arms and smile when I notice both Perrie and Jade hugging Jesy too. 


 "Will they ever clear?" Jade asks pulling away. We all back off and look at Jesy. 


"The chances of that happening are very low. I can have surgery but it's really hard to do on the fallopian tubes, so really, no babies," Jesy replies. No! Jesy is meant to be a mother! I mean, she can adopt but I always imagined her as this amazing woman who just pops out child after child. 


"You can share my baby," Perrie smiles at Jesy. I sigh and Jade and Jesy laugh. 


"You idiot, come here," Jesy laughs and pulls Perrie into her, hugging her tight. Perrie jumps a little and smiles at Jesy. 


"Here," Perrie grabs Jesy's hand and places it on the bottom of her bump. Jesy's whole face lights up and Perrie is beaming. "Baby knows Auntie Jesy," Perrie says. 


Jesy lets a tear slip and hugs Perrie. "Being an Auntie is the next best thing, trust me Pep," she says. I start crying and so does Jade. We form a big group hug and then there's a knock at the door.


"Jesy! Are you okay sweetheart?" Levi calls. 


"Levi! Our bags!" I open the door immediatley and all the girls crowd around. 


"Don't worry! Quiffy and Squeaky are here," Levi flicks his hand. We laugh at the nicknames that never get old. Quiffy is Zayn, Squeaky is Louis, Leprechaun is Niall, Curly is Harry and Tall One is Liam. 


"Okay, come on girls," Jesy wipes her eyes, which are no longer red. "Go out to the lads, I'll be out in a minute," Jesy pushes us out the door. 


We nod and go out to Louis and Zayn, who are sitting in our booth. 


"Hello," Jade ruffles both of their hair before sitting next to Zayn. Perrie sits on top of him and I sit next to Louis. 


"Hello ladies," Louis smiles. "Where is Jes?" He asks looking around. 


"In the bathroom, she'll be out in a second," I reply. Zayn and Louis nod and Louis picks up my drink.


"Can I?" He asks. I nod and he sips it before spluttering. "That's feral! What is it?" He asks disgusted. We laugh at him wiping his tongue to remove the taste. 


"A latte," I reply confused why he doesn't like them? 


"Eww! I like Mocha!" He replies. Jade hands him her drink and he thanks her taking a sip. He then proceeds to sip Perrie's milkshake and leaves Jesy's drink for her. 


"So, when are you guys on Celebrity Juice, except Zayn," I ask them. Jade and Perrie shrug and look at Louis. Jesy rejoins us and sit next to me. Louis and I squish up for her. 


"Um, on the sixteenth, which is Eleanor's birthday," Louis groans. Oh! 


"And Niall's annoyed because it's also Theo's fifth birthday," Zayn adds. I remember when I met Theo! He's so damn adorable.


"Do they just have Theo?" Jesy asks. 


"Um no they have Abhlinn and she's two this year," Zayn replies. "Niall just calls her Abi though." 


We all nod. I've never met Abi. It'd be nice to meet her though considering Theo is so adorable. 


"Right! Have to go and pick up Eleanor. Jade and Leigh, want a lift? Louis asks. We agree and leave Zayn, Perrie and Jesy behind. 


{Jesy's POV}


I say goodbye to Leigh- Anne, Jade and Louis and look at Zayn and Perrie. "Do you two want a lift?" I ask them.


"Yes please," Perrie smiles. I stand up and go to pay for my drink, only to find that Zayn and Louis already payed for them. 


"Thanks bud," I tap Zayn's shoulder. He just smiles and follows Perrie and I out to the car. 


"Want to stay at ours?" Perrie asks me as we walk to my car with our arms linked. That might be nice to have company until it fully settles in. That and Pregnant Perrie is a crack up! Way more than usual.


"That'd be lovely," I reply. "Thanks Pep," I smile. She just smiles back and I unlock the car.


Zayn hops into the middle of the back row and Perrie gets into the passenger seat on my left. "Everyone buckled up?" I ask. They reply with 'yes' and I start the ingnition on the way to their house. 


About two minutes into the drive I turn on the radio, only to find the intro to One Thing playing. Perrie and I laugh and Zayn groans. Liam starts singing and we giggle. When it gets to Zayn we crack up and he goes bright red.


"That I need you here with me now!" Perrie and I yell. "Cause you've got that. One Thing!" We sing really badly. 


We keep yelling the song at the top of our lungs until it finishes and I turn down  the radio. "Fetus One Direction," I laugh. Zayn shakes his head and Perrie laughs at him. He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. "Oh come on Mr. Loveboy," I tease him. He just gives me an evil smirk and starts tapping on his phone. What is that husband of our Perrie doing? 


He puts his phone back into his pocket and I just keep driving, until I hear our Winner's Single cover of Cannonball start playing. My jaw drops and Perrie turns it up. Zayn sits there smirking and I flick my rude finger up at him.


"I didn't do anything," he jokes in an innocent voice. We laugh and soon arrive back to their home. I scan my finger on the gate and head down the long drive. 


When I make it to the end I park in the garage and we all get out and head into the living area. Zayn goes into the kitchen and I sit on the couch with Perrie.


"You're lucky to have him," I look at Zayn reading through a cook book. I remember when we met Zayn. He just kept finding ways to speak to Perrie. We started hanging out with One Direction and Jade and Louis embarrased Perrie and Zayn all the time. Their payback was that when they got together they didn't tell Jade and Louis, so they found out when the rest of the world did. We found it hilarious, Jade and Louis didn't but soon got over it.


Zayn would keep doing the most amazing things for Perrie. He'd come up with such creative ideas for things they could do. Leigh, Jade and I called him Mr. Loverboy because Perrie was completely in love with him and he was completely in love with her. They still are. 


When she said they were getting married the girls and I ran around screaming, then we cried because she was growing up, then we acted like idiots and realised Perrie will never grow up and then they moved in together, followed by their wedding, which was beautiful and now they're having a baby. I couldn't be happier for Perrie! 


"And you're lucky to have Jordan," Perrie replies. I then realise what she's trying to hint. I need to tell Jordan. "You know you have to," Perrie says. "He'll want to know sooner rather than later."


"Yeah but Perrie, I don't want to tell him over text, or phone, or Skype. I want to tell him in person, which is the main issue at the moment," I reply. 


Perrie nods and hands me the home phone. "Tell him it's urgent." 


"Nope," I put the phone back down on the dock thingy. "I can't do it right now. I'll do it tomorrow, after his biggest show yet," I say. Perrie nods and I close my eyes and lay back against the back of the couch. 


Suddenly everything hits me harder than it ever has. I cannot even describe what I am feeling right now. I sit up as the tears flow down out of my eyes. 


"Hey Jes!" Perrie says wrapping her arm around my back. "Hey," she tries to calm me but it's no use. 


"Jesy are you okay?" I look into the kitchen and see Zayn with a worried look. I nod and wipe my eyes. Perrie gets up and goes into the kitchen. I just sit on the couch staring at the wall. This is too much to take in. I mean, it's one small word. In- fertile. But that one word, oh that one word can do so much damage. 


I close my eyes and take a deep breath. As I'm doing that a strong pair of arms wrap around me and pull me into their lap. I end up crying again and they just rub my back and hold me close to their torso. 


"It's okay, shhh," the male voice sooths me. I lift my head up and wipe my eyes to see Zayn giving me a worried look. I notice I'm in his lap and he's holding me still. 


"You okay Jes?" Zayn asks worried. 


"Yeah thanks," I smile and kiss his cheek. He smiles back but doesn't let go.


"You're strong. You'll make it through this." He smiles. "And if you think about it," he leans into my ear. "Perrie's probably going to need help being a Mum," he whispers. 


I laugh and he smiles cheekily. "Thanks Zayn," I smile. He's actually one of the nicest people I've ever met. He would just throw everything away to make sure you're okay. All the guys are like it but I've always liked Zayn the best. He understands you and will just sit and listen to you blab on about anything, trust me, I've done it so many times to him when I've come looking for Perrie but only found Zayn. Sometimes I come straight to him before anyone else because he always takes your side and believes in you. I guess I also have a soft spot for him because he makes my baby (Perrie) happy. 


"No worries," he stands up leaving me on the couch. "Do you like bacon risotto?" He asks me walking into the kitchen. 


"Yeah. Thanks." I nod and Perrie comes back over, sitting down next to me. I look at her smiling at me. "Yes?" I ask. She just keeps smiling. "Do you know how lucky you are?" I ask before looking over at Zayn chopping bacon. Perrie turns, looks at her husband and then turns back to me.


"Nope." She shakes her head. What the f**k? "I cannot even begin to describe how lucky I am," she makes her point. More sense there. 


"He's a good friend," I smile and then Perrie hands me her phone. Jordy is the contact open on her phone. She calls him that to annoy him so he calls her Pel. She doesn't like being called Pel so it works. 


"Call your husband." Perrie says handing me the phone. 


"On your phone?" I ask. She laughs and sighs. "Not yet Pep," I reply. "He's got his biggest show tonight. Tomorrow I will," I reply. 


"Okay," Perrie locks her phone and throws it away nodding. "I love you Jes," she slides into my lap.


I hold my band mate tightly and rest my chin on her head, letting a small tear run into her blonde hair. These girls will never know just how much they mean to me or how much I love them but for now...


"I love you too Pezz." 

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