Hey everyone, I am so sorry for having you all wait for your OCs and stuff which you all submitted to me in August. I have no excuse, I been working on my YouTube channel more and doing super smash bros videos for ulimate. So I been doing youtube and I had got shinobi strikers for ps4 on the day it came out and have been playing it ever since. It wasn't until recently that i remembered I had reviews I needed to do. But now I'm back and I won't ever have you all wait that long again. Also, if you have shinobi strikers or are planning on getting it and want someone to play with than hit me up. I love that game and is always helping out on missions and doing the ninja world league battles. Thanks for reading this little side note, I'll leave my gamer tag in another chapter cause I would like to get started. This OC clan is by lamixed I am sorry for the long wait and I hope you like it.
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Genre: fan fiction

Nice

Clan name: Bumaru

That's a nice little name.

Name Meaning: military circle.

Nice

Clan’s head: Saoko Bumaru 

Ok

Clan’s princess: Mokumi Ohikawa (née Bumaru)

Ok so she has the last name as well than. Good I was about to ask why she didn't have it.

Clan’s status: Almsot extinct (Naruto (shippuden included), In reconstruction (Boruto)

Ok, that's cool and has a great time lapse.

Country: Land of Iron (origin) Land of Dash known as Bakushingakure/Hijarigakure.

Nice, and those are great places to start as well.

Relatives:
Hakaru Clan (ancestors)
Hōno Clan (in law)
Ohikawa Clan (in law) 

Nice, and it's great to see them all linked in some way.

History: The Bumaru clan is originated from the clan of Iron along the Ohikawa clan. The Bunarus were lnkwns as being the clan in charge of the military . The clan stayed in place till the Royal Clans massacre. The massacre was caused by a treason by Itara Senju who was a close friend of The Royal Clans and an Allie due to him being a Senju. While the massacre the Clans sent their heirs in exile to Konoha along Dai Hotaru a trusted commander charged to lead the team in charge of the heiresses’s protection. Despite being severely injured Dai mange to deliver the heiresses to Shun Yama a close friend of his before dying along the other soldiers charged of the protection.

Nice, this is a good start origin and shows the meaning of the name military. Awesome.

The heiress Hitomi Bumaru grew up in Konoha with Hime Ohikawa and Harumi Yama who was Shun’s daughter and was raised by him and his wife. Hitomi quickly excelled along her fielded and became a notorious ninjas the three being nicknamed the Onu-Geishas Hitomi was know as the Green Geisha. Hime’s cousin Kaze arrives at Konoha and Hime naturally take Kaze with her. At a Summit Kaze try to kill Itara Senju and reveal the traits about Itara’s treason. While Hime Was confronting Tobirama Hitomi protected her comarade form the other soldiers and join her leaving Konoha.

Nice

Just before this both says their goodbyes to everyone who was good to them including Hitomi’s close friends Inoto Yamanaka who understood her. While they were fugitive they join the 11 orphans the ancestors of the Akatsuki who are determined to took revenge on the people who cause the wars.Inoto gave Hitomi inside information.

Ok but who are the ancestors of the akatsuki? How would they know that sooner or later the akatsuki would be formed? Not to mention the akatsuki are all different ages, their not the same age so that wouldn't really work.

It allowed the 11 Orphans to be a step ahead. However there was two team after them the Team composed of Tobirama Chojuro Akimichi Inoko Yamanaka, Shikake Nara, Hakuka Inzuka and Sasuko Uchiha who had for task to capture them death or alive. And the team formed of Umi Uzumaki, Harumi Yama and Himako Uchiha. Inoto was also a member of the team. Despite everything going on Hitomi remainders to be a pretty good person making sure that kids weren’t involved in the attacks and caring for Inoto. She was also the one who was trying to keep Hime sane. Hitomi also played a major part in Tobirama and Hime’s relationship when Tobirama and her met again she’s the one telling him

Ok, this seems pretty good.

« She May have changed but her feelings for you didn’t. » fun fact is that when Hime was kidnapped her and Tobirama were the one saving her it shows that she cares for Hime as they were alayws there for each other since their families death. (Also they were friends before the massacre.) Hime return her the d’favor by making sure that Inoto won’t die and giving him update about Hitomi. She even told Inoto to wear blue since Hitomi liked the color on him. Despite that Hitomi was the sanest member her resentment was stronger. However her and Hitomi realize that it Won’t lead to something and that more hatred will cause more wars and more orphans. Hitomi and Hime then leaves the 11 Orphans.

Ok, this is pretty good.

When back to Konoha she reunited with Inoto but when the rumors of a war state red to get heavier they were preparing the war. In the final fight the Jutsu send them away. They’re now (Harumi,Umi, Himako, Hitomi,Hime) on land of Dash . The land is under a tyrannical and Hime who have a son don’t want this life for her kid. They met Sakuko Hōno member of the Hōno Clan of Land of Purple. The firnshsio develop and dossier a slight trust issue caused by the trauma of remembering that the massacre happens due to an allies betrayal the fact that different woman of different clan was willing to risk jail even life To saves Hitomi and Hime makes them realized that not everyone is like Itara. The revolt lead by Hime and Hitomi is a success Hime is crowined as Princess and Hitomi as Army Commander (Royal Commander). Inoto managed to estimate how far thyd could’ve landed and decided to go on a trip to find Hitomi who thinks that Inoto has Remarried . After a long périple (a périple where he make allies) Inoti fond Hitomi who he married and fathers children with.

This is pretty good. So is this mainly about the clan or Hitomi because I'm starting to see less of the clan and more of a love story.

Naruto
Takedai Bumaru is the Royal commander of the Army and married Yukan’na Hōno. Takedai also has a strong friendship with Isamu Ohikawa and Haruko Yama and Hakeki Yama this friendship and their kids Mokumi, Hijoko and Hake are friends. When Isamu’s sister married a foreigner it’s the debut of the downfall Yume Isamu’s wife dies (later reveal to be killed) député Hake saying that she should have been alive since she was getting better. While on a military campaign Akamo (Isamu’s sister’s husband) manage to isolate them and tried to kill them. However Isamu lose due to the fact that Akamo was trying to kill Takedai and the attack if it wasn’t stopped by Isamu (who dies days later in pain on the battlefield) would have killed way more people. Takedai is defeated due to the fact that the side effect of the attack causes several damaged. Akamo came back a survivor but Takedai survives . However Isamu asked him to protect his son and Takedai promises him .

Ok, this is nice

When back Takedai team up with Hakeki who’s stayed loyal and 1/3 of the armybwhi stayed loyal (most of the old army members was killed). Along with a few Uzumakis and Uchihas he tries to lead the revolt but they’re outnumbered however he have the time to sent in exile Yukan’na Mokumi Hake and Isamu Hake (who lost his mother killed by Akamo ik the same conditions as Yume’s) . Takedai dies along the army and Hakeki. On Land of Purple were they’re in exile Mokumi trains relentlessly along Hijoko . Akamo attack land of purple in his quest of expansion.However a damaged eye (if the Nisugan absorb too much chakra based attack the eyes will broke or be fissured.) can’t be used in a transplantation. 

Nice

Also the Nisugan can be duplicated as floating eyes to absorb multiple attack but has a limit though it’s d’ange will not répercute on the main eyes.

Ok, this is a very interesting move.

Notable Users
Takedai Bumaru
Mokumi Bumaru 
Hitomi Bumaru

Cool

Mention to Saoko Bumaru ( she has been a great teacher to Mokumi about her dojutsu.)

Alright

If an user have children with another dojutsu user. The kid will have at least one Aotsyugan.

Ok, so regardless of what happens they get the Aotsyugan? That's cool

The different names are used to distinguish the different stages of the Aotsyugan. Kinda like the Sharingan with the mangyeko, eternal mangyeko. It was also a way to scares the enemy it was rumored taht the Bumaru has those eyes as jewels and would walk around with them on their rings,bracelets colliers.

Nice and this is a very good explanation.

Notable Clan member 
Hitomi Bumaru
Takedai Bumaru
Hitomi Bumaru
Mokumi Bumaru 
Saoko Bumaru 
2nd Royal Captain.

Cool

*Just like the kage system the Royal system has a numeral order Hime is the 1st princess and Hitomi the 1st Army Captain And the person after them 2nd Princess/Prince and Captain . * Commander and Prince/princess generally has great relationship due to history (parallel to Hime and Hitomi) and the Captain’s Family is basically the second royal family . 

Oh ok, so it's kinda like a caste system but with family.

*Saiko survived to The massacre but the other members didn’t (most were in the army, or was in the ANBU (red or black ops). ) *Allies
Uchiha Clan 
Yama Clan
Hōno Clan
Ohikawa Clan
Uzumaki Clan

Ok

Other relatives 
Gawame Clan

Ok

Abilities
Clan techniques 

Glass release: Unique to the Ohikawas the glass is known for cutting ability and durability . It also used for genjutsus.

Nice, but how does it work as a genjutsu?

Dojutsu

Aotsyugan

The Green Eye . 

The aotsyugan is knowing to have the ability to mimic slightly the opponent’s justus . Ex when facing a Byakugan user the Aotsyugan will give a very blurry 359 vison for a few secs. It allowed the Aotsyugan to adapt his techniques. most of the user knows that the eye 100% accurate.

Wait so it can copy all things including clan stuff? Doesn't that seem a little OP? Don't get me wrong you have a great disadvantage to it but how are you gonna give a disadvantage to other clans. Like what about the Yamanaka clan, Uchiha Clan, Nara Clan, and so on. Can it also copy moves from the tailed beast as well if it can copy anything? Copying all jutsus at best should be the goal but copying clan related jutsus like mind transfer jutsu and palm moves from the hyuga clan shouldn't be allowed, even if it's downgraded.

Oomgan 

Big eye (when truly it should’ve been Big pupil)

The pupil (its isn’t an eye it’s just a fancy name cuz this clan are extra) stack all informations permanently . Using the previous example the Oomgan will stock that they Byakugan has an estimated 359 degree vision and will save the mimic it can be used 3 times/2 weeks for each eyes. 

This follows the rules above even though it is slightly different. What makes the hyuga clan so special that this eye copies only their moves? It would make no sense for them to have that power to copy and use downgraded hyuga moves but not anything else.

Ketsyugan
An evolution of the eyes allowing the user to see through gen justus. It’s name “the end” is referring to this capability to end genjutsus. 

Nice, this is cool and has a automatic effect. Great job.

Nisugan 
Decorated eye

Final evolution that allows the user to absorb chakra based attack but it has limit. 

Nice

The Aotsyugan overall is a green eyes with blue circles around the blue pupil. It’s really prized as the Aotsyugan conserves all its ability (even the information stacked) even after death . Anyone who successfully transplant a mastered Aotsyugan will gain the abilities and the information Stocked however it is a hard job adapting to the eye and to renaissant it since the eyes recognize the original user’s chakra signature thus to successfully transplant it you have to take some of the user DNA and place it in the sphenoid bone to fool the eyes (the eyes can’t différenciante properly dna and chakra signature since Bumaru Chaka has genetical mark.)Yukan’na is killed along Mokumi’s aunt and unborn cousin. this causes her berserk mode and Hijoko is the only to calm her down. Later the kids plan to leave to learn different techniques They’re chaperoned/joined by Saoro Hōno Yukan’na’d brother who ost his wife and kid and Ryoko Hōno (Hakare’s mother) her cousin (via Yukan’na’s second cousin) who lost her twin. Throughout the long travel their joined by the war Beast Munma and medical Beast Kagura.Munma and kagura were kept captive ).

Ok

At the revolt they have 1 900 000 soldiers form everywhere against Akamo’s army with 2 000 100 soldiers (coming from all the territory he invaded) . However it worked and Mokumi and Hijoko won against Akamo. And the system under Isamu was restored with Hijoko marrying Mokumi Saiko sbdcsnd The head Clan and married Itara Gawame. However their second son will carry the Bumaru legacy by giving the last name Bumaru to his kids. The reason why Saiko is head is that Mokumi married into royalty so she can’t lead two clan. 

Good and I'm glad you didn't make her lead two clans because that's too OP. That's like our president running both the USA and Russia. That would be the equivalent of running two clans.

***While The revolt Hitomi and Hime needed help they searched and found Kagura and Munma created by Tonoko Otsutsuki.******

Ok

*Fucntionnemnr*

The Bumaru are the Royal family of the Army. Te encr commander is a Bumaru and there is criterias to met. Saiko is actually commanding the army despite Mokumi involving herself into it but it’s highly possible that Mokumi’s child will rule.

Ok, this is really cool

1) Excellent Martial abilities.
2)Must’ve master dojutsus and most of the clan techniques. (They have two Clan techniques that they aren’t allowed to master)
3) Diplomatic skills.
4)Not able to be corrupted.

Ok but how can they detach the last one? And how do they choose the techniques for the second one?

In Saiko and Takedai’s case Takedai succeeded each test and had a vivid interest and Saiko was more of a teacher. She worked as a Royal Trainer (training the best class of the academy and the army)

Ok

Clan traits:
Pale skin with various eye color (even tm though green,blue eyes are common) and dark black hair . However it isn’t necessary as Mokumi has Purple hair.

Ok, but why have these clan traits if one of your characters aren't gonna follow them. It would be fine if one was from this clan and one was from another because than it would be like Naruto, but the fact that they have black hair and Mokumi has purple hair pretty much defeats the purpose of having clan traits. The same thing also goes with eye color, why is there two? Why can't there just be one? The clan doesn't need to have traits in order to be identified as a member, there can be other ways, but if you make a clan than all your characters including your main should look the same. There don't need to be any special snowflakes.
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Final Analysis- This OC clan and it's people are pretty good but the only problems are making a character different from the rest, the rules which I pointed out as 2 and 4, and the copying of any jutsu. Other than that this OC clan and it's people are good. It has a nice little system around it and it's meaning goes great with it as well. I would however recommend taking the notes I place into consideration and answering the questions I left for you. Thank you for letting me review your clan, it was a honor.
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