OC Clan 4 (Ohikawa)

Hey everyone, I'm not going to talk much but I do have a author's note in the very last chapter, please it check out. Now onto the clan. This clan is by lamixed I hope you like it.
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Genre: Fanfiction


Cool, I can't wait to read it


Clan name: Ohikawa


Nice


Name meaning: Big Red River/ Big Scarlet River


Beautiful name


Clan's head: Hijoko Ohikawa


Cool


Clan's status: Royal Family
Almost extinct (Naruto), In reconstruction (Boruto)


Cool, also which Naruto is it almost extinct. Naruto or Naruto Shippudden?


Contry: Land of Dash , Bakushingakure also knows as Hijarigakure.


Cool


Relatives (clans)
Senju (via Tobirama)
Uzumaki (by extent via Senju)
Kazekage Clan (by in law extent )
Hōno Clan (in law)


Nice, and it's cool to see some canon clans in the bunch.


History: The Ohikawa Clan is originated form Land of Iron. The Ohikawas were the rulers of Land of Iron till the Royal Clans massacre. The Ohikawa along the Bumaru Clan was slaughtered by ennemies. The two heiress Hitomi Bumaru and Hime Ohikawa were sent by their families to Konoha (exil). On effect Dai Hotaru a samurai had been friend with Shun Yama a Konoha's shinobi. The Royal family and the Bumaru had met the Senju clan prior and had good relationships with them. Dai and his team died on the way but managed to survive long enough to give Hitomi and Hime to Shun. The two girls grow up in Konoha along Shun and his family and became friends with Shun's
daughter Renma. The three made a name for their self Renma as a medical non and Hitomi and Hime as Shinobis their style combining samurai styles that they remember with ninjas techniques. Hime known as the Slaughter Princess (pun with her name Hime meaning Princess and Slaughter since she was a ruthless fighter) was kidnapped and this event start her relationship with Tobirama Senju, after the kidnapping they grew fond of each other and eventually had a relationship. Kaze Home's cousin arrive at Konoha claiming being one of the few survivors Hime having finally a blood relative in town immediately propose him to live under her roof.


Nice, the way this all started is good and the fact that Hime got a relationship with Tobirama shows how the Senjus got involved with the relations. Nice.


Kaze warm Konoha's respect after a saving two S-rank jonins but Tobirama still don't trust me. This cause tension between the couple of Tobirama and Hime. At a Summit Kaze try to kill Itaka Senju Kaze manage to reveal the truth about Itaka. Itaka betrayed the Land Pf Iron's Clans by telling to North Territory that thhere was a secret entrance by the forest which allowed the North to enter at night killing soldier in their sleep. The Families even strong as they were were outnumbered and killed. The Senjus were allies explaining why Kaze considers Itaka a traitor. As Tobirama was attacking Kaze for his act Hime place her Katana informé of his and told Tobirama to not touch him and announced that she's leaving Konoha and cut all her ties to them along Hitomi . They go back to their house saying goodbye to the Renma and everyone who had been good to them taking the minimum and leaving.


So now they are missing ninjas? There is nothing wrong with that and it shows how the time was when these girls was around.


On the run the joined the original Akatsuki the 11 orphans. A group who's plan is to get revenge on the countries who started the wars causing them to be orphans. The group composed of dangerous shinobis is signaled as S-Rank and a team is created composed of Tobirama , Chojuro Akimichi, Shikake Nara ,Inoko Yamanaka, Hakuka Inuzuka and Sasuko Uchiha. Umi Uzumaki who had been refused by Hime numerous time and formed a friendship with her and Hitomi make a rescuing team in secret composed of Harumi Yama (by the way her name isn't Renma but Harumi) Himako Uchiha, and herself, wanting to reçue Hime before Tobirama's team find her and kill her along Hitomi. As they are searched actively by both team Hime slowly decade in a violent Character. When she see Umi for the first time they argue Umi asking Hime why she's so this to which Hime reply "Ask them (the Senjus) about Uzushiogakure ask your dear cousin why her husband let your peopel die." She also cross path with Tobirama despite her hatred both seemingly still have feeling each other protecting each other form their group Hime don't want Tobirama dead and Tobirama can't bring himself to potentially kill her. Hime realize slowly that her hatred will only caused more damage and her and Hitomi must stop, both already lost their clan.


Ok so Tobirama found her to kill her but didn't kill her because of his feelings. Alright, but it do seem like Hime is having to many changes in heart. One minute she is with Tobirama, the next she leaves wanting to be a missing ninja, than she became a cold hearted killer, just to go back to this caring person again. That is to many changes in a personality in such a short amount of time. I don't really have any advice to fix this because there wouldn't really be a way without changing some of this story so I would recommend some of it to not be her choice, like maybe leaving and being cold hearted wasn't her choice.


They cant see themselves put Konoha's people though the suffering that they'rve been through. They start sabotaging the 11 mission until Oro a emmener spot them Oro give them a chance to espace before the rest find them and they escape. Both goes to Konoha and warm them of the threat coming. Unfortunately the thirsty is bigger than expected causing a enormous war that was later hidden by Each participants administrations. Despite being revealed that Hime and the 11 were the ones who attached the villages and put the blame on other villages the villages are forced to collaborate. It's in a tense atmosphere that Hime and Tobirama had sex . Later the war became a bloodshed . Hime fighting her own cousin. Her cousin make a nuke Jutsu Hime , Harumi Umi Himako and Hitomi use a S-rank forbidden techniques. The result end up in them disappearing. After the war it was classified as a secret and it was gradually forgotten. In reality the jutsu sent them (propulsibg them away ) away on sea. Umi perform a water juste taht allow them navigate to an unknown continent. The Land of Dash under a tyrannical rule welcome Hime and her friends. They met Sakuko Hōno member of the Hōno Clan.


Ok, what made Tobirama and Hime think that in the midst and tension of war that it was ok to have random sex? They didn't wait? Not to mention the fact that the war starts right after they have sex indicates that it all happened on the same day. Plus didn't they just hate each other and started caring for each other again? Maybe it wasn't right for them to do it before the war and they both had to fight. After the war would have been a better choice.


Hime fond out she pregnant and gives birth to a son.After seeing the suffering of the people and not wanting this for her child. Hime form and alliance with land of Purple and form an army. The defeat the tyran family and Hime is proclaimed Ruler of Land of Dash. She give Hitomi The responsibility of the army , Harumi in charges of medical system with Himako being in charge of the special task of ANBu red and black ops. Umi of the papers. The friendship between Hime,Hitomi , Harumi, Umi, Himako and Sakuko creates the bond between the respectives Clan. Hime never remarried raising her son by herself.


Ok but how long after the war did she find out she was pregnant? I also understand the fact that she don't want a hard life for her son but how did she make sure she was pregnant? Did she have a medic verify it? Also remarried had confused me because yes I remember reading that her and Tobirama was a couple but it never said anything about marriage. I would recommend putting that in but judging on how they became a couple, she left, they tried to kill each other, and than had a one night stand, I don't see a reason or how a marriage would fit in.


-Naruto Era-


While Konoha and Shinobis countries we're dealing with their things . Yurime Ohikawa marry Akamo a foreigner despite her brother warning.


Ok


Isamu's (Yurime's brother) wife Yume dies of illness leaving her husband with their son. Later on on an military Akamo return alone with the army claims that Isamu and Takedai Bumaru were death. Yurime give her rulings ight to her husband. The daughter of Takedai Mokumi and Prince Hijoko don't believe him Takedai manage to return and reveal that Akamo killed Isamu. Takedai along the soldiers who stayed loyal to Isamu lead a rebellion as he sent Mokumi, Hake Harumi son of his friend and Isamu to land of Viking as exiled. The rebellion didn't work as Donze's army (new responsible under Akamo) . Hijoko wants revenge along Hitomi and Hake . After finishing his Viking training and Normal training with the help of Mokumi's aunt Saiko and uncle Saoro they go around to learn other techniques and recourt an army. A second rebellion start with Isamu's army and Isamu and Mokuren fight Akamo revealed to be the desncdant of the original tyrant (who was there in Home's time) they won . Isamu married Mokumi and fathers 3 children . He's the current head of the family.


Nice, and it even shows the actions of the leader, his parents, and how he got into power in the first place. Good job.


Calm traits:
Most Ohikawa have silver hair and light eyes.


Nice but this says most and not all, so what do these other ones have that make them different? Are they considered albino clan members for this?


Clan allies:
Bumaru Clan
Hōno Clan
Uzumaki Clan
Uchiha Clan
Yama Clan


Nice and it's great to see canon clans are also allies.


Ennemies:
Tyran's clan


Cool


Justus:
Crystal Heart
Crystal Heart: When the user project a blast the victims gt their heart trapped in translucide plastic the plastic infiltrates their heart.


This seems like a very strong jutsu so what is the weakness? This jutsu seems like a instant kill as well so how much chakra does it use?


10 blades of death: Jutsu creating 10 blades shaped of elemental chakra.


Nice but would they have to learn the elements and train for this jutsu or does it come naturally?


Crystal Body: The user project a blast that alter the boys of the victim making it translucide allowed to see chakra points.


Nice but the Byakugan can also see chakra points so wouldn't it just be a chakra used move that is similar to the hyuga's?


Light Speed: Technoque used to boost the user's speed by using the chakra to enhance the speed.


Nice


100 crystal crown: The chakra is treated via a 100 crystal looking crown generating insane luminosity.
Disque of Death


Nice and you incorporated some earth science in there. However, what is the weakness of this jutsu for it does seem powerful.


Elemental chakra disque. Example: (water element) When the the disque dissolve in water trapping the opponents.


Nice, also do the user have to have a specific chakra nature in order to use it? Does it work with all chakra natures? Can you use it if you only have one chakra nature which might be fire?


They are evaluated based on etiquette, mental and physical skills, diplomatic skills and their morals.The Prince decide if the final decision with the advices of the counselors and the one who supervised the exam however the Prince can decided to choose regardless of the tests and no once can contest him unless if the designated heir present sign of sociopathic/psychopathic behavior. Also if The heir died and his siblings can't rule (age) the power will go to cousins/in law. If the sibling doesn't want to rule he/she can pass the power to his spouse. Also if the Prince dies his spouse can rule. In case that both want to rule spouse and heir shall pass the tests.


Nice, not to mention that this is somthing a king or queen would have to do in responsibility. It gives it a little realistic twist. Good job.


To be heir:
1) Must have succeed all the test at 95%
2) Must have been proved not corrupted


Cool, but I have a question, what if two or more people complete the requirements? Would it than be decided by gender? Or age? Also what if someone complete the requirements to be heir but the son of the king or queen is next in line, does the son still take over or does this person who complete the requirements take over?


Authority: The Royal family has authority on everything. They decided who is in the Army (the army is lead by a Bumaru usually) the administration . The Academy was founded by the 1st Princess and the Royal family attend the international exams.


Nice and it's perfect that the royals have the power which should be the case.


Wars and absences:


The Prince only go to important military campaign. When absent the Uzumakis in charge of the passer work do help the sibling/spouse designated as replacement.


Ok and does that work also occur now in Naruto with such little members of the uzumaki clan? Or did it changed?


In war Periods the Prince along with the Uzumaki and Bumaru designed the teams . The Prince approve the medical teams. The Prince are the only one who got the power to revoke someone authority .


Ok, that does make sense since the prince have the power so it's really good.


NB: Being an Ohikawa doesn't guarantee you to be strong most Ohikawas goes through intense training session + Academy. Since they're from land of Iron they're samurai but Hime had brought some ninja techniques. They practice along anyone who live in Land of Dash Bushijutsu and learn at least a minimum ninjutsu. They can't master everything perfectly.


Good because no one can master something perfectly. If they did well they wouldn't be human. This is good and it shows a little more of the Ohikawa clan.
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Final Analysis- This clan is good but it has some bugs to work out here and there. One is the past and how Hime changes like 4 different times. Another is the decision to have sex in the middle of a war that is about to start, and others are questions that need answers. As I said this clan is good but the questions need to be answered and the tips I left should be looked over and considered. This is all just to help make the clan better. Thank you so much for letting me review this clan. It was an honor.
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