// meaningless //

words are only filled with meaning if you want them to be.

i update this everytime i want to do a mini rant or think of a good poetic one liner to sum up my day/how i feel at the moment. every paragraph or line is how i feel at that very moment. i didn't put the dates because i forgot to for the first entry ,heh


i was happier before you.

the truth hurts much less than nothing at all.

what am i to you?

we all started out as blank canvases, gradually stained by a beautiful medley of coloured pigment with everyone we meet.

our souls are made of stardust; death is just the beginning of a black hole.

maybe, when we die, we all wake up into a new life, making brand new choices, meeting new people and of course, messing up another dimension.

when i was younger, the thought of me being the happiest girl has occurred to me a few times but now, it's as if my childhood was all a wonderful dream and whatever i'm living now is me within nightmares and dark, cold reality.

they say, a ring of salt helps to keep the demons out; if that ring were to be around myself, i could either be keeping everyone else away from me or, keeping myself away from everyone else.

misfits; ground never touching our feet

i'm a dying star. i'm losing energy. my light is fading. nothing can give me strength. people may still wish upon me but i won't be here for long to grant them. i will turn into a black hole one day, absorbing all the light i have ever known and inevitably destroying all of it as much as i hate to do so. i can only say i'm sorry before that happens. please don't hate me. please forgive me. i'm still who i used to be. i think.

we are all ghosts, searching for a reason to live, to stay in this realm.

i wonder, will poetry ever be written if we weren't so sad and hooked on something or someone we may never have? why can't poetry be done when one's filled with happiness, with light radiating from their cheeks? why not?

do you ever get sick of being so sad? but you can't seem to pull yourself out of it. do you ever get sick of loving this one person? but you know they will never love you back the same.

stop breaking your own heart.

i didn't know we could call each other "friends" when we talk behind one another's back, be it good or bad. is that really what friends are for? for you to hold onto, just so they can be the topic of yours and someone else's conversation? for you to not confront that "friend" and just be straightforward because you might be afraid to lose them? if you are that afraid they might leave after something you have said about them in their face, are they really your friends? friends take criticism from their friends often as constructive feedback, not as an insult to let them be petty about. but if all you are spouting is toxic waste, words that only hurt them and are impolite, then all i can say is, screw yourself. get your head out of your ass and accept others just as they are. it's 2016; too much shit is happening out there so why are you stuck here grumbling about something so trivial and temporary?

i'm tired of being sad.

labels only destroy people; if i had a label, known by everyone, for being "mentally unstable/ill", will my wayward actions be seen as a conformity?

negativity can be turned into sadness or anger; to hurt yourself, or to hurt others.

well, for me, two's a crowd.

sometimes, i wonder if they ever needed me. i was there but somehow, they make it seem as if i have never interacted with them before, never comforted them, never tried my best to make them smile, never stood by their side when no one else was there. perhaps for others, i wasn't because i was too caught up with them, too caught up with satisfying these few people that i forgot about the rest. why do i do that? does this make me a horrible person? will i ever forgive myself?

i used to love learning and studying, do you know that? i thought all of this are fun and it's going to be useful in the future but turns out, after i have gotten all burnt out, i have learnt that they only kept emphasising the same thing over and over again, thinking it never gets old. this monotonous act only makes one into a robot, a living robot only doing as they are supposed in an attempt to fit into this sickening society, slowly losing creativity as school drains every inch and fibre of our being because grades are oh, so important, much more than our mental health. yes, let's invalidate their mental illnesses, let's make them feel worse about themselves by comparing them with everyone else that are of the same age as if they are meant to be the same successful person and be oblivious to the fact that everyone is unique, different. let's not embrace that, let's make them all the same and make them wear dull grey coats and carry the same brown suitcases, walking in an orderly straight line into a factory named, "society". but wait, when they get into the real world, they need creativity! originality! copyright is a sin! there will be no manual! autopilot your way through life! because school never gave a shit about teaching you how to pay your bloody taxes and mortgage, get a stable income, have a wonderful family, deal with ignorant people and teach moral values. you don't even bother acknowledging the lgbtq+ community as if it's a sin during sexuality education sessions. honestly, you should just let us fucking live and let us be free. it would be much better and easier for us to learn from the internet. let us be happy and clear our heads until we are able to be interested in making our own discoveries without being told to, since curiousity is a trait instilled in each one of us. ironic enough, here you are, saying, "life's too short." hah well, fuck you too.

if i had told you, would you believe me? every word i say turns into a lie if you choose not to. if i had told you, would you still be here with me? we had only been friends for a year and it ended all so quickly. do you think there was ever a chance for me to come clean with my past and let someone i hardly know place their judgement on it? maybe it might not have been whatever that has changed me. maybe it was something else. maybe if the world was different, i could still feel validated and at home with my own feelings. maybe..