Breathing in the floral scent, Keely leaned back against the tree while listening to the person on the other end of the phone which was pressed against her ear.

Well, to be truthful listening was being generous. She couldn’t help that sometimes she had a short attention span when it came to people. Sometimes was being generous too, though. But she just couldn’t help it, the flowers and weeds had grown wild without someone to tend them as her dad wasn’t exactly the type.

However, that wasn’t a bad thing. She actually liked it more that way. It gave everything a sense of freedom, there was no taming it and nor should anyone try. And it even mirrored her thoughts about humanity and music. How she could turn every thought that passed through her mind was a question for the ages however. The rest was easy to figure out.

Fiddling one handed with the tuners on the acoustic guitar on her lap, Keely waited until Tony felt the need to breathe. He was telling her about something that Sadie did at school today that was apparently adorable. How someone not realizing they had jam on their nose from lunch until the end of the day could be cute was a mystery to her, but if it was Sadie apparently it was amazing to Tony and that was enough to make Keely’s heart melt more than slightly.

“So you two are coming over tonight?” she questioned, half wishing to get off the call so she could play the guitar, but held on by the need to know if people were going to show up at her house that night.

“Yup,” he answered cheerfully, what she assumed was a car door slamming behind him. “How could we miss your television debut?”

Rolling her eyes at the teasing tone of his voice, Keely stopped playing with the tuner in order to twirl her pick between her fingers absentmindedly. “I’ve been on TV before,” she replied drily, but quickly grimaced at how bigheaded the words came out.

Surprisingly Tony just chuckled, “Well, this is your television debut while we’re sitting with you.”

“So you’ll be here in like a half an hour?” she questioned.

“Make it about fifteen minutes,” he replied, “I’ve got to go, Keel. I’m just about to start my car.”

“Drive safe,” Keely wished him in farewell before hanging up.

Shoving the phone into the pocket of her jeans, Keely shoved up from the cool ground, wiping the dirt from the seat of her pants with one hand while the other gripped the neck of her acoustic tightly.

Finding her way out of the mess of a garden that thrived against the side of their house, Keely got out without too much incident. Well, her foot did get caught in a tangle of weeds and the only thing that kept her and her guitar from smacking into the ground was her hand gripping tightly around the branch of the tree. But since she didn’t actually hit the ground, she considered it a win.

Edging towards the back of the house, she made her way through the gate to the backyard only to find her father. He was sitting on the patio set she’d made him buy years before, rubbing his temples wearily as he drank from a mug which she could only assume was coffee with a magazine on the table just next to where his elbows was leaning, propping him up straight.

For a moment Keely hesitated. He hadn’t noticed her yet, if she just stepped light and didn’t fall, she could back up and avoid the situation altogether. It was a tempting option; avoidance with her was a key tactic for survival, or at least her version of it.

However the thought of running away from this, running away from yet another thing that was troubling her had Keely’s back straightening as she took somewhat confident steps forward. She could do this, she needed to do this. At least here she knew where she stood; at least her heels had solid footing. Until she figured out the past she was never going to be able to figure out the future and who it might involve, or, more importantly, a certain person she needed it to involve.

Her dad’s eyes didn’t so much as flicker towards her until her sneaker clad feet made the solid thumps on the wooden steps, a sound made much louder by the silence. For once Keely was struck by the absence of the birds chirping, in the summer it was a constant and comforting noise, but abruptly silent.

Hadn’t she read somewhere that birds knew when to take off, for lack of a better term?

“Hey dad,” she greeted with a small smile, sitting lightly on the seat across from him.

Instantly his eyes trained in on the guitar which had been her mother’s before changing steadily to meet her gaze. It was a movement she was no longer oblivious enough to miss. “Do you want some coffee?” he questioned, “I made a fresh pot.”

Silently she just nodded at him, fixing her guitar on her lap as she shifted so she hooked one of her legs beneath her. He sent her a grin, the effort making the wrinkles around his lips deepen but at the same time making him seem much younger than before. As he stood up, he flipped the magazine over in a motion that he obviously meant to be discreet, but was just as much a failed actor as she.

When he headed back through the open sliding door, Keely felt her stare switch to the magazine back where there was a mascara add gracing the entire back cover as she absentmindedly began to strum a chord repeatedly. With amusement she noticed that the advertisement was for a company that had approached her to be the spokesperson for it, to which she had responded with a metaphorical flipping of the bird, though she wasn’t too metaphorical when she’d told them to go do something rude.

Yet she was too soon back to thinking about why her father had done that, her thoughts leaving all the things that Maureen had attempted to make her promote over the tour. There was no doubt there was something he didn’t want her to see, or else he’d have just left the front cover to her eyes.

With great difficulty she swallowed her curiosity, letting her eyes drift up to the doors as she waited for him to come back. Maybe his ways to protect her from the truth of matters was a little on the obsessive scale, but this time she was willing to blindly trust him on the matter. Even if it was just because she didn’t think she needed anymore setbacks now, not to mention she’d have her fill of pop culture soon enough.

As she waited expectantly, she couldn’t help but feeling a niggling dread in the back of her mind while the moments ticked by. Was her dad not coming back? Had he sensed that she wanted to stop avoiding and he’d taken his up another notch?

But before her thoughts could get too out control, she was proved wrong when her dad came back through the doors, a literal steaming cup of coffee in his hand.

Placing it down on her side of the table, he took up his seat companionably in silence. Instantly Keely stopped strumming her guitar, leaning forward to take up the mug. After one sip she learnt it might be scalding hot but it was the exact way she liked, and just blew at it hopefully since it was too hot for even her to gun down.

While she did so, she looked back at the table to see her father’s eyes studying her closely, a frown puckered between his brows. It was a similarity that she’d just noticed when she’d come home.

In fact, Keely was beginning to notice more than a few similarities between she and her father over the past while she’d spent recuperating at home. Maybe it was just because she had learnt without a doubt she wasn’t only made of her mother anymore, no matter how much she might look like the woman, but now she was definitely taking note of the things that made them more the same then she’d ever realized.

Like when he was in deep thought or simply considering something, he would get that same frown as she did. They had those same tendencies to keep things bottled inside instead of simply talking about it. They took their coffee in the exact same manner. When he was worried about something or nervous, he threw himself into his work though it may be building things instead of her music, the principle remained the same. They both had a nervous habit of tapping their hands and feet, though hers was more rhythmic than his. They rubbed their temples when tired, had a weakness for chocolate ice cream, had a hatred of green beans. And they appreciated the quiet moments, though Keely was partial to both loud and quiet.

“Do you want to play something for me?” he asked, snapping her out of her reverie, a strained note in his voice. “I haven’t heard you play in… forever, it feels like. And all the music critics tell me you’re even better than before.”

In surprise, the coffee bobbled in her hands, the liquid lapping up the sides. “You actually read those articles?” Keely questioned in amazement. If she’d have had to guess who was more likely to read those between him and Joe, she would have said the latter without a doubt every time. But after his surprise of her tattoo, it had become clear that he had avoided her presence at all cost since she’d been gone. At the thought of the fight with her best friend, she found herself wincing.

Either not seeing the look or ignoring the grimace, her dad just nodded calmly, taking a sip of his coffee.

Finding her amazement fading from the surprise that he read the articles – she was his daughter, after all – she found it surrounding the fact he wanted to hear her play, and from there it just kept growing. Had he ever asked her to play something for him before? Sure, he’d listened and told her she was good since she’d started to play music in front of him, but it had always been a mistake or her forcing herself on him. He’d never… asked.

“Uh, okay,” Keely agreed, a lump of apprehensive tension growing in her throat as she placed her coffee on the table. Looking down at the guitar, she played the first chord, but her hand was shaking, making the sound garbled.

Hauling in a deep calming breath, she closed her eyes, flexing her fingers pointedly. This was her dad, her voice could resemble a dying cat and he was obligated to tell her she sound incredible. He was the safest person she could play to. He’d seen her before all the practice and work that had gone into making her the musician she was now.

This was the first time she was really going to sing since that disastrous concert, not just mumbling words along to the music. She was going to sing. And he was the best person to do it in front of. It was safe.

Her thoughts returned to the ones before, and she began to play a familiar song, with her eyes closed, her hands once again sure on the chords. She wanted nothing more than to show him she wasn’t just her mother. Sure, she had pieces of her, but she was equally made of him. And she wasn’t just a mix of the two; she’d grown into a completely original person, flaws and insecurities included. She was her own person, and it was time he learnt to respect her being one.

“Old man, look at my life. I’m a lot like you were,” she sang out. At first her voice was very soft, almost a whisper gliding along the wind. But the moment the sound didn’t break and didn’t hurt, she felt it get stronger, building power in the back of her throat. And by the time she’d repeated the lines again, the change was clear.

“Old man, look at my life, Twenty four and there’s so much more. Live alone in a paradise, That makes me think of two.”Opening her eyes in courage she was sure she wouldn’t have found if she hadn’t had music, Keely met his eyes full on, singing out the song perfectly to what she had in her head. All she wanted to do was make him see what she felt, and if she couldn’t gather the bravery to say it, maybe she could sing it. “Love lost, such a cost. Give me things that don’t get lost. Like a coin that won’t get tossed, Rolling home to you.”

And even when she hit the high notes of the chorus, her voice didn’t break, although it got more strained than it used to, falling back into the rhythm of singing. It needed to remember what it was for, and then maybe she could too. “Old man take a look at my life, I’m a lot like you. I need someone to love me the whole day through. Ah, one look in my eyes, and you can see it’s true.”

Her voice did waver on ‘love me’, but that had nothing to do with her voice, but rather her heart. She didn’t need someone to love her the whole day through, she needed him to and she knew exactly who it was.

Momentarily she closed her eyes, pulling her thoughts from Seth and focusing back on her father in front of her even as she continued to sing. “Lullabies, look in your eyes. Run around the same old town. Doesn’t mean that much to me, To mean that much to you. I’ve been first and last. Look at how the time goes past. But I’m alone at last, Rolling home to you.”

Even as she sang, she felt the blow to her stomach and her heart. Keely hadn’t expected it to feel so honest leaving her mouth as she sang. She was always honest when she sang and when it came to the music she covered, whether it be an acoustic song or in front of a stadium of people. But this was different. This was singing out the words that she was afraid to speak, and although she managed to finish the last reprise of the chorus, it felt as if her stomach was hollow, letting out all those emotions she’d been holding in.

After a long beat of silence while her hands rested on the guitar’s body, it was her father’s voice that broke through it.

“Why do I feel as if that wasn’t just a song.”

Laughing very lightly in the back of her throat, Keely rubbed her hands wearily over her face, shaking her head. “Because it’s never just a song with me,” she told him honestly, finally looking up to meet his eyes. “Yeah, not everything I write or sing is something I’ve experienced, but there is always a part of me in it.”

Instead of responding, her father just looked at her, that frown coming back, pronounced in the furrowing of his brow. Oddly the sight made a warm feeling arise in the pit of her stomach.

“I want to talk about mom,” she told him rashly, blurting out the words before she could think. However she didn’t get the chance to start the conversation before a frenzied knocking rang through the house and all the way to their position on the back porch.

Sighing, she stood up, bringing her guitar with her. “But not right now,” she digressed, stepping around the table. Momentarily she put her hand on his shoulder as she passed, giving it a little squeeze she hoped was comforting before letting go and following the sound of the knocking all the way through the house.

Yanking open the front door, she still hadn’t let go of her guitar as she looked unsurprised upon the couple standing in front of her. “Are you trying to break down my door?” she asked evenly, staring at Tony with one eyebrow raised at where his hand was still making a fist, though there was no longer a door.

Sheepishly, he dropped his hand and gave a shrug. “You used to play your music so loud you’d never hear the door.”

With a roll of her eyes Keely took a step back, holding the door open welcomingly. Tony tugged Sadie in through the doorway with a tug on their hands that were intertwined, though she let go in order to greet Keely with a friendly hug which she returned one armed.

Frowning she looked behind them, looking for another person, but there was no one to be found. “You guys invited Hales for me, didn’t you?” she questioned, turning her gaze back to couple. But they simply avoided eye contact like champs.

“You got food, right?” Tony asked, slightly impatient as he closed the door behind the two of them. The non-answer was more than she needed.

Although she shook her head in an air of disparity, Keely couldn’t help the fact that the corners of her mouth twitched into a slight smile, pushing away the bleakness that came at the thought of her best friend. Well, with the way things were going, she wasn’t sure she had a best friend anymore. Not Joe or Haley, but, hell, she had Tony and Sadie. “Just make yourself at home,” she called after him sarcastically as he gripped Sadie by the hand again, pulling her deeply into the house where the kitchen was located.

Feeling comforted by her friends’ presence, she didn’t bother to hide the smile as she trailed behind them, rubbing her hand over her forehead. It seemed as if Tony had a honing device just implanted into him when it came to food, because he was already inside the kitchen, flipping open one of the pizza boxes on the island that her dad had ordered.

Amused she leaned against the doorway of the kitchen, letting her guitar lean against her side while her dad walked into the room, giving Tony a stiff greeting. It even made her want to smile at the way his eyes still rested on her ex suspiciously, looking as if the kid took one step out of line he wouldn’t mind to be the one to take care of him. Even if she hated violence, the protective fatherly instinct gave her a warm glow in her stomach.

Tony, who had already picked up a piece of pizza and had a mouthful, promptly gagged on it at her father’s presence, hurriedly trying to recover himself to give a more graceful hello. Sadie on the other hand just smiled shyly at him, looking a little discomfited as she wringed her hands in front of her, shooting glances between the two men.

Keely couldn’t help but think that it must be a thousand times more awkward for the other girl than anyone else in the room.

Hearing a new knocking at the door, she shoved up from her position. “At least save me a slice of pizza,” she ordered, pointing a firm finger in Tony’s direction. “And I don’t want the rant about how you’re a growing boy.”

In response, he opened his mouth as if to speak, only to reveal a mouthful of half chewed pizza, which she only grimaced at. Before he could form words, however, Sadie had smacked him soundly in the chest, and not too lightly either. “I’ll make sure there’s some pizza left for you, but all I can promise is one slice,” the girl pointed out in all sincerity, making Keely burst out in a laugh.

“I’ll take what I can get,” Keely called over her shoulder, still chuckling as she made her way through the house and swung open the door.

Immediately the laughter died on her face.

Swallowing the lump that grew instantly in her throat at the sight of him, she felt her voice lose all joking nature and become quiet in all seriousness. “Since when do you knock?”

Looking more uncomfortable than even Sadie had inside the kitchen, Joe squirmed slightly under her unrelenting gaze. This time she wasn’t going to let him just push her over, and he knew it. “Since I’m not sure if I’ll get out with all my limbs intact,” he answered, the joking nature of the words dying in the way he spoke them quietly without quite looking her in the eye, instead staring over her shoulder.

Sighing, Keely let go of the door handle to rub her temples wearily just like her dad had been doing not too long before. Yet she didn’t move out of the way to let him, not yet. “What are you doing here, Joseph?” The happiness from just moments ago in the kitchen felt like years ago as she stood there.

“You invited me a couple days ago…” he replied slowly.

She gave a loudly sarcastic half laugh in the back of her throat. “You weren’t too excited about it back then, were you? I should have guessed, I mean, it is about music. And we all know how you feel about that now.”

Wincing he took a half step forward, but at her dangerous look, wisely froze in place. “C’mon, Keely –” he started, but she quickly cut him off.

“No, I will not c’mon and agree with whatever you say anymore,” Keely told him sharply. “I’m not letting you tell me what I want now. Ever since I got this thing, letting people know I’m not exactly who you all thought, you treat me like crap whenever my music comes up. And I’m done with it.”

Sucking in a sharp breath through gritted teeth, Joe nodded, closing his eyes. “I know,” he told her honestly, his voice seemingly dropping an octave. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry for what I said, you didn’t deserve it.”

Although she caught on instantly that he never said he didn’t mean it, Keely let out a sigh, stepping back and gesturing him inside without a word. They were never going to see eye to eye on this matter, and she didn’t want to lose him too. She’d been losing people left and right lately, she just wasn’t ready to let go of this yet.

Sending her a thankful little smile, he followed her inside the house.

Without a word she simply shut the door with a shove that was maybe too forceful before heading back towards the kitchen.

Apparently the tension in the room hadn’t dissipated in her absence, because Tony was staring steadily down at his piece of pizza, Sadie’s eyes were darting between her boyfriend and Keely’s father who was leaning back against the counter with his eyes glued onto Tony. He really was just wishing for a reason to toss him out of the house and not get told off for it, and that Keely had no doubt about.

At the new arrival Tony’s eyes shot up, and he let out a sigh of relief at the familiar face trailing behind her. “Hey man,” he greeted, sounding as if he’d just met his savior.

Rolling her eyes, Keely leaned her guitar against the wall, if Joe was his savior, it must be getting pretty bad in there. It wasn’t like there was much love between the two boys. “Okay, the shows almost starting if we want to go into the living room,” she pointed out, shooting looks between the stiff people in the kitchen.

Sadie instantly sent her a thankful look, her shoulders slumping in liberation. “That’s a good idea,” she agreed, piling the pizza boxes into her arms. “Tony,” she ordered, making his eyes snap towards her, “Bring the popcorn.”

Smirking at the way the boy instantly followed the instructions, it was Keely who lead the way into the living room, falling back into the middle of the couch and grabbing the remote off the coffee table. While she began to flick through the television, attempting to find the right channel her father passed her the coffee mug from before as he took up his seat in the arm chair. Joe instinctively took up the seat to her right while Sadie sat on her other side, Tony taking up the other end of the couch.

“Alright,” Keely announced as she set the remote back down on the coffee table, “Gossip channel it is.”

Laughing lightly Sadie offered her a slice of pizza which she instantly gathered up, taking a bite. “It’s not all gossip,” the other girl pointed out fairly as she settled back comfortably in the couch, the bowl of popcorn resting on her lap.

This time it was Keely who laughed, but it was an oddly harsh sound. “It’s all gossip,” she returned, propping her feet on the table, “I can count on my hands the amount of times they actually get something right.”

Before the other girl could respond, the commercial on the television died out; replacing it with the beginning of the program they’d been waiting for.

What she saw felt like someone simultaneously reached into her chest then squeezed and twisted her heart fault viciously, as well as giving her punch to her stomach. Her breath even came out in a short gasp, but she didn’t look around to see if anyone had noticed, her hungry eyes glued on the screen.

Why it was still a shock was the question. She’d known that the boys were going to be on the show; she was supposed to be on the show but had bailed out after losing her voice. However it didn’t make a difference, it felt like years since she’d seen or heard anything about them. People were careful not to mention much about music and touring around her anymore, let alone NSR. Her only connection to them had been in her head, and even there she’d been trying to keep her thoughts away from them.

Still even if it hurt, she wouldn’t drag herself from it for the world. She was like a junkie, it hurt, but it was a good kind of hurting.

Colton was standing on the end, his full smile on casually with Marco in the middle, the same award winning smile gracing him. To his side was Seth… who on the other hand wasn’t wearing a smile. He wasn’t even looking at the camera, his eyes turned downwards to the ground almost absentmindedly as he ran a hand through his hair, making the locks in the front stick up messily.

And there it was, that jolt in her stomach that she didn’t feel around anyone else. She wasn’t even around him and she still felt it. Her eyes didn’t even flicker away as she roamed his figure on the TV screen. In a plain white sweater with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows and half of it caught on the belt of his jeans like a mistake along with his dark hair and sneakers, he looked every inch that sexy musician he was, even without seeing the soulful dark eyes. And even there, it felt like there was no one in the world but them, yet he had no idea that she was even watching, they were a country apart.

Crap, she missed him.

Finally her attention was taken away from him, but only for a moment while the host began talking and she spared the woman a glance. She was standing on the edge besides Seth, her blonde hair perfectly curled with a blindingly white smile.

However even as she spoke, Keely looked back to Seth, watching as he finally lifted his head to look at the camera steadily. His gold eyes were dark again with a bored glint as he sent the camera a flat look. Even then the deep gaze made her breath catch in her throat while she watched him give a sigh, send his eyes momentarily to the roof and tuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans wearily.

“… and our camera crew were able to follow NSR and Keely Staub around for this show. Where is she, by the way?” asked the woman, Keely finally focusing on the words.

Oddly it was Colton who answered; Seth just looked away from the screen without a word. “She’s giving her voice a rest before we hit our next show, just taking the break to recover from this tour. We have been too.”

The woman nodded, before smiling straight at the camera. “Well, with the introduction of NSR’s hit Tired As You which happens to be trying to knock Keely’s Yesterday’s Gone off the number one spot on the charts; here’s what you’ve all been waiting for!”

“Do you want some pizza?” asked Joe to her left, breaking her focus.

Confused she turned her head to him, blinking at him. She’d forgotten he was there. She’d forgotten they all were there. The words finally connecting in her head, she shook her head silently before looking back to the screen.

The camera seemed to have followed the boys to where their stage was set up. Colton was already sitting behind his drums, but it looked as if Marco and Seth were arguing at the guitar stand, Seth’s eyes flashing dangerously at the boy as he slipped his guitar strap over his shoulders. But the words they were saying to each other weren’t shown on the television. Finally Seth just held up his arms as if in surrender as he took a step backwards before spinning around his heel to the microphone set up.

However his jaw was clenched and his eyes were hard as they looked straight at the screen. She could tell when he was still mad. There were going to be words said later that night between the two, and that she had no doubt about.

She’d heard them play the song a million times, she’d helped Seth write it so she wasn’t surprised when it started with nothing but him playing the guitar, his voice smooth as it ran over the words. The song began to build power when the drums began softly in the background, growing louder and the same with the bass.

As powerful as it was with the way they played all their music, she couldn’t help but wish she was there with them. Just to watch.

When the song finally ended, the trio was blurred out into completely replaced with a black screen when words were splayed across it. “On The Road With: NSR and Keely Staub!” light up the screen and then that too was gone.

And she couldn’t help the slight smile when it went to footage from one of the many shows they’d played in California, the song a cover of Joan Jett’s I Love Rock and Roll. It felt weird to see her like that in a pair of ripped jeans, messy hair and a loose tank top in front of a crowd that huge. She was used to the boys; she saw them play in front of crowds that big all the time. But she never really got to see herself.

As the intro to the song continued, the footage changed. And then she saw all three boys sitting there, Seth in the middle as he leant back comfortably while they all introduced themselves. Then it changed to her flashing the camera a smile as it did a close up of her face, all messy red hair and green eyes, “Hi, I’m Keely Staub,” she told the camera.

When the words for the song approached, it was switched back to the concert. Grabbing the microphone stand, she pulled it towards herself, her eyes looking at Seth who was playing the guitar to her left even as she sang. “I saw him dancing there by the record machine, I knew he must have been about seventeen. The beat was going strong, Playing my favourite song. And I could tell it wouldn’t be long. ‘Til he was with me, yeah me. And I could tell it wouldn’t be long. ‘Till he was with me, yeah me, singing. I love rock and roll…”

The little video went on, showing little clips of footage from the time the camera crew had been with them between the shots of the concert, all the time their cover of I Love Rock and Roll playing in the background. From her giving Will a high five, Marco and Colton writing on the mirror of The Cavern Jets dressing room, she and Seth laughing at loudly, she sending the camera a warm smile as she drank from a beer bottle, walking the sunny streets, signing autographs, a flash of her bedhead, she and Seth record shopping. The list kept going.

Going back to the concert, she watched herself as she leaned forward into the microphone, leaning against while singing, her eyes closed. “Said, can I take you how where we can be alone?” she sang out, making her voice go lower with it, smirking in Seth’s direction. “And we’ll be moving on, And singing that same old song. Yeah with me, singing.”

Stepping back from the mic, she raised her arms, clapping along with the song. In almost complete unison, the crowd started clapping along with her. The shot looked away from her, doing a wide spread of the crowd that had taken over the words, neither she nor the boys supplying even a syllable as they took over everything.

When the camera spun back around to her, all it showed was her laughing as she threw her head back.

As the song finally came to a close with her tossing one of Seth’s many plastic guitar picks into the crowd, the scene began to fade to be replaced with another. It was the same scene where she’d introduced herself at the beginning of the little segment.

“And?” came Meredith’s familiar voice from off screen.

Crinkling her nose, she responded with, “And what?”

“Say something else,” the woman ordered.

Grimacing into the camera, she sent a thoughtful look around the hotel room the little interview was taking place. “And what else should I say?” she ended up saying, rubbing her face with the sleeve of the ballerina sweater she was wearing. “I’m Keely Staub… I’m a singer, song writer, guitarist, I play the piano well but I’m not brilliant… and apparently I play the drums like sh–” the sentence ended in a beep.

In the real time Keely laughed as she watched herself being censored on television, it was an odd sensation. She usually preferred to avoid these things.

The camera changed over to the boys sitting on the couch in the hotel room she knew had been Colton’s back then. Seth was leaning his arm against the back of the couch, propping his chin against it as if bored in between the other two boys.

“I’m Seth Ryan,” he told the television again. “I’m lead singer, lead guitarist and main song writer for NSR.”

“I’m Colton Neilson,” supplied the boy in question, “I play the drums.”

“And I’m Marco Stevenson, I’m the bass player.”

Suddenly the screen went black, before bright white lettering began to scribble against the backdrop. “Our first meeting with NSR and Keely wasn’t so well put together,” she read in her head, frowning slightly.

Her eyes bulged as she watched while the backroom from that fan meet and greet materialized right in front of her eyes, it felt like years ago now. What she found was Marco pacing back in forth while Colton leaned against the wall, almost the picture of calm. But his fingers were tapping against his thigh, a clear sign he was pretending to be that serene for the cameras.

“Where are they?” asked Meredith’s voice, once again coming from off screen as she hid from the camera.

“I don’t know,” snapped Marco.

A person could almost hear the incredulity in Meredith’s voice as she replied, “Do you think they’d skip this?”

This time it was Colton who answered, sounding exasperated. “With them you never know. Keely probably wouldn’t, but Seth has been known to lead her astray more than a few times since they met.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she responded, catching on quickly.

From on the couch, Keely mimicked the woman, staring indignantly up at the screen. “Yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?”

In response Colton just sent the camera a smile, flicking his head slightly so the bronze curls no longer fell in his eyes.

“It means Seth’s a bi–” Marco was censored too, but the word was apparent.

Suddenly the camera swerved around to the door where a commotion had broken out, people rushing to open it.

Very casually the two of them strolled in, making Keely shake her head at how embarrassing it felt now watching it. She was wearing a pair of jeans with a tears strategically placed throughout them, a Muse v-neck along with a blue and black plaid shirt lying open and over top, her red hair braided over her shoulder carelessly.

Seth was wearing his faded jean jacket and hadn’t bothered to take those black wayfarer sunglasses off, looking devastatingly handsome without even trying.

It felt like she was getting hit by déjà vu.

“You’re late!” exclaimed Marco, and the rest of the scene played out the way she’d lived it.

Although Keely hadn’t known that her facial expressions were so noticeable and erratic until that moment as she watched herself on the video. At the point where she unveiled her tattoo, she could have sworn she felt Joe stiffen beside her, but she chose to ignore the movement.

And then from the documentary went on. She couldn’t help but notice the fact that they were really trying to push for a relationship between she and Seth through the entire thing, it made her feel queasy to her stomach to watch. Before that she hadn’t known she was so pathetically see through, even on the television she could see the way her eyes softened when she looked at him or how her smile brightened. But even though it was embarrassing to know that everyone had probably known how she felt, Keely couldn’t drag her eyes away.

At different sections, they started introducing all the members of NSR, starting with Colton. After her, Seth, Marco and Colton himself had talked about him; it switched over to a new topic. The new discussion proved to be the song writing method between her and Seth, though she never knew they actually had a system.

The clips were pretty well put together, which Keely appreciated, although she didn’t like the way the producer of the show was shoving her and Seth’s relationship in everyone’s faces. Whatever their relationship might be, it still felt intrusive. Almost as if she was baring one of the most protected, secretive parts of herself to the whole wide world. It went from them smiling at each other on a piano bench as they talked about writing together, a few clips from the press conference, Seth with his head on her lap as they wrote the song on the tour bus to them preforming one on one together.

It seemed odd that she didn’t even know where they had stood at that moment, but now the whole world was going to think that they knew.

Going back to a clip of herself sitting in the hotel room awkwardly scrunching up her nose at the camera, Meredith began to speak off the camera making her face abruptly sober into a more normal expression. “What do you say to the people that say your song Blank All has over sexualized music and lyrics?”

In time it switched to a clip from the press conference and the infamous virgin question. Even as Seth made light of the situation on screen, everyone in the room with her looked around, squirming uncomfortably. Keely for one knew her cheeks were blazing with heat, while Sadie was grimacing, Joe’s jaw was tightened to the point a muscle was jumping in his cheek, Tony was staring blankly at the wall and her father’s coffee bobbed in his hand.

Finally her humiliation was lessened as the clip ended and showed her response to the question in the hotel room. Snorting she shoved her hair away from her face with a roll of her eyes.

“People can make a song into any bloody thing they want,” she returned evenly with a shrug, letting her hand fall away from her now completely mussed hair. “When Seth and I wrote that song, we never purposely made it about sex or anything. But, hey, if they want it to be about sex, go for it, it’s a pretty prominent and kind of awesome part of life.”

“And you’re comfortable saying that sort of thing, seeing as you have quite a few young fans?” asked Meredith’s voice.

In response, Keely frowned slightly, her lips pursing together. “Well, yeah I am. It’s not like I’m saying go be a prostitute, but I’m not going to lie to them and say sex is bad and that you’re going to go to hell if you do it.”

“So, in all, Blank All is not meant to be sexualized in anyway?”

Smirking at the camera, she quirked her eyebrows cheekily. “If people think that song is sexualized, they haven’t seen yet.”

Right on cue, the scene changed to a radio interview she’d been doing with her back up band while the camera crew had been with them. Biting her bottom lip lightly, she watched again as she was attacked by the interviewer about the lyrics to Blank All, and saw the way her eyes blazed and her hands shook but she kept her voice polite. Time by time she was learning to hold back instead of just yelling and stomping out of interviews like that.

But since she’d never been one to exactly back down, the song they did wasn’t Breaking Time as the radio had wanted, instead they shot into a full-fledged, very loud rendition of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ song Bang.

Half of her was proud of herself as she watched herself on the television, singing in a purposefully raspy purr and moving her hips slightly as she sang. She loved that she could do that now, stand up for herself and not be ashamed to do it. However, the other part of her that was growing more and more with time spent at home wanted to blush and stare at the ground as the scene played out on the screen, her reaction mostly concerning the people around her. Oddly, it was mostly Joe who was making her feel that way, not even her father.

Still, soon enough, the segments had moved on, the four of them starting to talk about Marco, meaning the sort of person and musician he was. The point of her not being in a band with them was seemingly being driven home as well, because even as they were mostly together – well, at least she and Seth – when it came down to the interviews, she was alone while the three were always together.

As it sped on, she found herself getting wrapped up in what was going on as Seth gave a tour of the bus. Yes, she had lived this, but it was interesting to see what had happened in the moments when she’d been missing. She even laughed in real time when Seth showed them the beer as she was entering the bus in the television.

Soon enough, after shots of them talking about their most tangible influences – though it was mostly she and Seth talking at that point – it was time for the four of them to talk about Seth as they had with both Colton and Marco before them.

“He’s our best friend, what are we supposed to say?” Colton supplied, sharing a glance with Marco around Seth who was staring at the ceiling pointedly.

“Especially when he’s sitting right here,” Marco added.

It switched back to her scene where she was leaning back in the couch, her head leaning against her palm tiredly, obviously wearisome of the constant prodding by that point.

“Seth?” she asked, her expression turning thoughtful. “What do you want me to say about him?”

Meredith’s voice coaxed, “Just say what comes to mind about him.”

“Well, he’s brilliant,” she told them with blunt honestly. Her eyes went slightly unfocused, no longer paying attention to the camera as a small smile flirted with the edges of her mouth. “Really he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and that goes musically and otherwise.

“I mean, he’s the most talented musician I’ve ever met. He plays the guitar like no one else in our generation, his voice is just incredible, he’s got that sharp wit for song writing but it’s paired with this vulnerability – he’ll never admit to that – which makes his songs like no others.

“There’s this song on Sons of Silence called Burn Out, I can’t get over how superb that song is in every sense of the word. That guitar riff is so difficult, but he makes it look like he’s playing the easiest thing and it has precise amount of feedback, the drums are just perfect for it, not too loud but not too soft and the bass is prominent and front lying. Then there are the lyrics. It’s obviously a rock song, anyone can hear it, but there’s this underlying emotional vulnerability to it despite the way he shifts the lyrics to hide it.”

Awkwardly she laughed, rubbing her hand over her face, sending the camera a sheepish look. “I’m not doing a very good job at explaining this, am I? I just can’t seem to put my feelings and thoughts about it into words that people would be able to understand.”

“But what about him as a person, not just as a musician?” the woman prodded.

Shrugging, Keely leaned back further, crossing her legs. “I think you can figure out everything about him from his music, to be honest. He’s got this dark, dangerous side; the press really likes to capitalize on the bad boy antics. But he is so intelligent, you’ll never know. I can’t even remember how many languages he speaks. He reads everything he can get his hands on, he keeps these journals where he writes lines down in hopes we can make songs out of them. He can write these incredible love songs, that sensitive side coming out. The soul of a poet. He has this fu- it attitude, but he’d never turn his back on someone who needed help, no matter what he had to do. He’ll sit down with an instrument, a guitar, piano, drums, anything that’s near, and he’ll just work through it. Seriously, I don’t think anyone can appreciate the kind of musician he is, they just haven’t seen the extent of everything he’s going to do yet.”

After the long monologue the Keely in real time was flushing and looking at the ground, realizing how ridiculous she’d seemed. But on the television she sent the camera a sassy grin. “Was that moment profoundly heartfelt enough for you?”

The scene switched back to the boys sitting on the couch. Seth was still leaning back casually, slouching with his arms crossed in front of his chest, his eyes closed with his head resting on the back of the couch. “What would you like to say about yourself?” Meredith’s voice asked from behind the scenes.

Without so much as shifting, Seth began to speak, quoting without a hitch. “I like punk rock. I like girls with weird eyes. I like drugs. I like passion. I like innocence. I like and am grateful for the blue collar worker whose existence allows artists to not have to work at menial jobs. I like killing gluttony. I like playing my cards wrong. I like various styles of music. I like making fun of musicians I feel plagiarize or offend music as art by exploiting their embarrassingly pathetic versions of their work. I like to write poetry. I like to ignore other’s poetry. I like vinyl. I like nature and animals. I like to be by myself. I like to feel guilty for being a white, American male.”

Once again the scene switched back to her. “Which song do you think describes Seth the best?”

“Rockin’ In The Free World,” she replied without a doubt.

Then came the next change of topic, switching just to their lives. There was another bunch of scenes pushing their relationships, although they kept showing the scenes where she and Seth repeatedly told people they weren’t together.

It showed her practicing with Will, footage from the movie premiere with she and Seth getting out of the Porsche all the way to a segment of them performing I Fought The Law with the band at the after party and everything thing in between. Scenes of all of them, Marissa and Jenny included, drinking and acting like complete fools. She even got to see the naked scene, although they saved him more modesty since they cut off the bottom of the screen completely, just baring that lean muscular chest before his eyes widened then glared at the camera before he spun about, showing not only the back with the muscular indentations that never failed to make her mouth water but also Jimmy Page’s symbol inked on his shoulder blade casually, fitting there so perfectly.

However it finally slowed down from the hectic way they showed their lives between work and play to when she was getting ready for the final show with the camera crew following them.

“Would you play something slow for us?” asked Meredith.

In the room with all black walls that was her changing room for the night, a mirror propped up against the wall, Keely gave a shrug, perched on the edge of her suitcase.

Picking up the guitar, she began strumming chords, sending the camera a smile that looked slightly lazy as the casual acoustic strumming began to take hold. “I think this was supposed to be June Carter’s mother’s favorite song,” she informed them before she closed her eyes and began to sing, her voice whisper soft in its beauty as it floated of the air.

“… Oh, I’ll dance, I will sing and my laugh shall be gay. I will charm every heart, in his crown I will sway. When I woke from my dreaming, my idol was clay. All portion of love had all flown away…”

But even as she sang, bringing the smooth prettiness she possessed yet didn’t use too much, the camera pulled back, making a larger shot to accommodate someone else.

Seth opened the door, wearing just a Pixies shirt and jeans, his hair mused sexily as if he’d just rolled from bed, and he was about to stroll right in, however at the sight and sound of her singing, he paused in the doorway. She hadn’t even noticed he’d opened the door, completely engrossed in the music as she played.

“… Oh, he taught me to love him and called me his flower. That was blooming to cheer him through life’s dreary hour. Oh, I long to see him and regret the dark hour. He’s gone and neglected this pale wildwood flower.”

All throughout the last versus of the song, Seth didn’t move from the doorway, not doing a thing to interrupt her. In fact, Keely couldn’t help but wonder if he even saw the camera, since his eyes did not flicker away from her for one moment. Instead he just crossed his arms over his chest, a serious yet unreadable expression on his face as he leaned against the doorjamb and just watched.

As the hour of the television program was drawing to an end, they got to discussing her as a person.

“What am I supposed to say about me that doesn’t sound self centered and plain awful?” she laughed into the camera before the scene changed.

Seth still wasn’t looking into the lens; it was as if he didn’t want it to ever look straight into his eyes. “What can I say about her? She’s more than anyone’s going to understand, she’s everything and perfect in every flaw she has. Because she has them, but it makes her more real than any other person or woman I’ve ever known. There’s nothing about Keely Staub that I would change, and it’s been an absolute privilege working with her in so many ways and being a part of what is going to be an amazing musical legacy. Not to mention just being a part of her life.”

From the living room in her Bellingham home, Keely’s heart stuttered in her chest, stopping before picking up its pace erratically and slamming against her ribs. Oh, what she’d have given to be looking into his eyes at the moment so she could at least begin to understand what he’d meant by all of that.

However who ever had put the program together had decided anything else he said wasn’t important enough to include, so the scene switched back to her lonesome self. Oh, how she was cursing those television gods now.

Not focused on the camera either, Keely was slumped back into her chair, her eyes focused on the wall. “There’s a lot I could say about everything that has happened to me since I got signed and moved to New York,” she told them slowly, her voice pensive.

“I’ve made a huge amount of mistakes I’ll never be able to rectify or take back,” Keely said honestly. “I’ve done things I shouldn’t have, been childish, been mature, done some very stupid things, said truly horrible things to people that didn’t deserve it, said nothing to people that had. I’ve broken down, cried, been held together, grew stronger, became a person in my own right. Became who I’ve always wanted and needed to be, not what someone else needed or wanted.”

Looking at the camera, she gave a light one shouldered shrug, but her eyes were as serious as ever. “So, despite all of it, the mistakes and things that I shouldn’t have said or done, I don’t regret a minute. And I wouldn’t take back one word or change a thing. This has made me who I am, every moment of it. It’s changed every little aspect of me, to things I know to my family all the way to a person-people,” she rectified, “and a life I love.”

“So you love being a rock star?” asked Meredith.

Snorting Keely shook her head. “Oh, I’m no rock star; I’d be a sorry excuse for one. I know, despite the cockiness and general image Seth gives off, he’s not one either. We don’t have that ego. We’re just musicians, that’s all.”

And with those last words, the final sequence of scenes played to her song Yesterday’s Gone and the credits, ending the show.

However, it wasn’t all done, because the woman from before was standing on the screen, joined by both Marco and Colton, yet oddly not by Seth. “So there you have it, the closest you’ll probably ever get to going on tour with NSR and Keely Staub. To end everything off Keely was originally supposed to play a song, but due to her absence, Seth has agreed to fill the void.”

Almost instantly the camera spun around to the stage to find him sitting in front of a piano, the lens focusing closely on his face.

Her gut gave a jolt as she stared at him, unable to tear her eyes away. He wasn’t even looking at the camera, his eyes focused on the keys of the black grand piano as he began to play a familiar tune. They were shadowed and oddly dark, but it wasn’t just the light. It was that look she’d seen is his eyes many times.

But before she could truly ponder it, her entire body and mind got wrapped up in the sound of him playing the piano and singing, there was something about him that made it impossible for her to refuse him. Every part of him drew her in, and she just couldn’t stop it, the fact that he was across the country didn’t even stop it.

“… Well, my nose keeps bleeding. ‘Cause it’s Rita I’m needing. I better call out a meeting of the boys, of the boys,” he sang out, his voice bringing out such emotion that Keely couldn’t help but wish she was there. “My friends are all dying. And death can’t be lying. It’s the truth and it don’t make a noise.”

If she’d been there she wouldn’t be able to stop herself, she’d have let him keep playing until the end because she could never bring herself to stop him from playing once he’d put that spell on her, but the moment he’d finished, she would have simply hugged him tight. There was something in his voice that sounded so broken and desperate as he closed his eyes, singing and letting his fingers croon the sound out of the piano. All she wanted was to hold him close and never let go, it made her body ache to know that she might never be able to do it.

“Blink, blink at me Rita. Don’t you know I’m a bleeder? And I promised I wouldn’t lead her on. But she met me, then led me. And I ate what was fed me. ‘Til I purged every word in this song.”

There was no huge dramatic ending to the song, Seth simply opened his darkly golden eyes and let his hands fall away from the key. It was as if no one was breathing on the set in the studio, like there was no one breathing in her living room in the silence that spread over both places. Keely was sure no one could have listened to that and not be affected.

Finally someone spoke up by clapping slowly, and it was proved to be Colton when the camera swung around to the three standing side by side. “And that’s our Jude, everybody,” he said loudly, his eyes glued onto Seth and there was something playing in his expression that Keely couldn’t understand.

The lens focused back on Seth just in time to see the dangerously dark glare sent in his friends’ direction before he stood up from the piano and strode off stage without so much as a word.

Hauling in a shaky breath, Keely reached forward, pressing the power button so the TV went into a dark screen.

When no one spoke, she closed her eyes and gathered her wits about her before clapping her hands to both Sadie and Joe’s legs. “Alright, I’m done for the night,” she informed them. “I’m still catching up on sleep from the tour. I’ll walk you guys out?”

In agreement, every one stood up, murmuring their goodbyes to her father, the mood suddenly much more sombre than it had started out as. She noticed but didn’t comment that Joe had taken a slice of pizza, yet had only ate a bite before leaving it forgotten on the coffee table in front of them while Sadie and Tony just walked silently, swallowed in their own thoughts with Joe trailing behind them to the door.

Saying a distracted goodbye to her, Joe gave her an one armed hug and pressed a kiss to the side of her head before taking off towards his house. Tony simply sent her a smile that she returned in kind before heading to his car that was parked out front, though he didn’t take off seeing as Sadie was still standing with her, just waited patiently in the car.

“Are you okay?” Sadie asked, her shrewd eyes searching Keely’s face.

Feeling oddly vulnerable, Keely made sure to avoid eye contact, instead staring out into the dark trees. She began to just say she was fine, but couldn’t seem to force the words out. “Actually I’m not,” she told the other girl, finally meeting her eyes and giving a shrug with a sad smile playing on her lips. “I don’t know; it’s seeing all of that, missing it so much and seeing you and Tony being so happy and perfect. I just want a guy to look at me the way he looks at you.”

Making a sympathetic sound in the back of her throat, Sadie gathered her tightly in a hug, squeezing her tightly in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. Yet, it didn’t seem like enough, she needed someone else completely to make everything better. “Oh, sweetie,” she said sadly, “I love you, but you’re the blindest person I’ve ever met.”

Without explaining her words, Sadie simply let go and went to join Tony in his car, leaving Keely standing confused on her dark porch.

- Long uploads are back. I honestly don't know how I feel about this, it was rather confusing to write, watching herself on TV. I'm really hoping it's not confusing for you guys to read.

Anyways, this is dedicated to not only starfishluvsyou but her sister Ninja_kitty, they kind of started Seth's fan club and are probably the biggest supporters of this story that I have. But it's because one of your friends said life isn't going all the great for you at the moment, and I'm hoping that any little thing I can do will make it better.

So I'm going to say to you something I told my friend who's going through some really awful time right now. I mean, it doesn't exactly apply because you're not talking to me about what happened, and you don't have to, but you always can if you need to. Fuck, this isn't coming out right, but I'm sleep deprived and blah blah blah. But I think it applies to people who you might talk to and who really care about you.

BUT anyways, here we go. You can always tell me everything you need to, no matter what it is, no matter how you feel, I'm going to be here for you. I love you, literally, no joke. And just because I might not be able to say something intelligent or insightful in response, maybe I won't be able to say anything. But that doesn't mean I don't care, just because I can't find the words. I might never be able to say the right thing, but I just want you to know that there's someone there that truly cares and hopes you're alright even if the words never come out right.

I just hope I didn't cross any lines posting that here.