i have no idea what inclined me to write such a horrendous story. but anyways here is "polnareff's shit" by vanessa joestar <3

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"fuck. I really have to take a shit." polnareff said, looking around for a toilet. "just go behind a bush of something." joesph said. "WE ARE IN THE FUCKING DESERT JIJI! THERE ARE NO BUSHES!" jotaro yelled. 

"i think you should dig a hole and poop in the hole. then just cover it up." avdol said wisely. "but then what should he use to wipe is butt?" kakyoin asked. "CAN WE STOP TALKING AbOUT MY SHIT!" pol pol said, having a breakdown. "idk i think avdol is right. you should dig a hole." jotaro said shrugging.

 polnareff began digging a hole in the sand while the rest of the crusaders were doing absolutely nothing, they were just standing there while polnareff digged his hole. once the hole was done, polnareff could finally shit. 

he squatted down and.... well you know..... he shat.

 polnareff then realized that cherry donut was right. WHAT WAS HE GOING TO USE TO WIPE HIS ASS?!!?! polnareff waddled around the desert, there was nothing but sand. he couldn't use any of their clothes and supplies so he had to wipe his ass with SAND. 

THAT IS SO FUCKING GROSS TO THINK ABOUT.

 polnareff rubbed his ass on the sand, SOBBING because of the pain and gross sand touching his asshole. "WHYYYYYY WHYYYYYYY" polnareff sobbed. they could probably hear him back home in france. 

eventually pol pol decided his ass was clean. BUT IT WAS NOT. there was sand clinging to his asshole and he was crying and screaming and shitting and farting and thinking about committing kakyoin and becoming a donut. 

"let's go. we have to find dio." jotaro said, ignoring polnareff's breakdown and the shit everywhere. polnareff was still rolling on the ground like a toddler, crying and screaming. 

once he finished his breakdown he pulled his pants up, still sobbing because of all the sand that was on him, and began to trek across the desert again. 

eventually they made it to a hotel, pol  pol decided he should clean himself up since he was still covered in sand and his ass was still covered in shit, so he went to the bathroom. 

THE BATHROOM WAS THE MOST DISGUSTING BATHROOM HE HAD EVER SEEN. 

it was covered in dirt and there was bugs, mold, and shit covering the walls. the toilet was even worse,  it had piss and shit everywhere and it looked like it hadn't been flushed in a decade. 

polnareff screeched like a little girl when he saw this, "AEEEEEEEAEAEAEEAEAEAEEEEEEEEEE" he screamed.

 "SHUT UP!!" jotaro yelled from two floors below him, polnareff had no idea how jotahoe could hear him but ignored it and ran out the bathroom as if he was being chased by a psycho killer.

 "what's wrong polnareff?" avdol asked. 

polnareff was too stunned to speak. he was shivering like he had been shoved up jack frost's asshole and looked pale as michael jackson.

 avdol looked inside the bathroom and had the same reaction "AEEEEEAEAEAEEEEEEEEEAEAEEAEEEE" he screeched. "SHUT UP!" jotahoe yelled from two floors down. 

eventually polnareff went to a gas station where he had a proper bathroom. one that smelled as bathrooms should, like truckers and cigarettes. he finally got the proper shit that he deserved. 😌

Authors note: honestly this was probably the worst thing i have ever written. i have no regrets tho.