Let me tell you something: There's a huge difference between living and being alive.

I was not alive.

I was on my way home from school, and I took a different route from the one I took this morning because my idiot brother left early and unlike him, I didn't go around to discover the whole town first day. In fact I never did.

This was the second time I'm out of the doors of our house since we arrived here Friday morning.

Somehow, I ended up in front of the biggest mansion I've ever seen then remembered something Aiden said the other day before mom left: "The upper east side of town has the most expensive looking houses in existence".

Therefore I'm on the east side, I thought.

I looked around, there seemed to be no other houses aside from the mansion on this hill, and I was too anxious to call the intercom on the gate and ask for directions.

To my luck, the gate buzzed and a middle-aged woman walked clutching a small grocery bag. She didn't look like she belonged in this house.

She must've thought I was creeping around when she saw me, but she didn't say anything about it. As a matter of fact, she approached me and asked me if I'm lost. She also noted that I looked pale and yellowish. It was weird considering I'm naturally tan, but that's how I appeared to people since ever the incident. I don't even look normal anymore.

She insisted on me going in and having a glass of water, which I declined politely. I thought it worked but God knows how I ended up in the massive front yards of the mansion.

We didn't enter the actual main building though. We took a right to the back, where lied a small cottage-like house where she seemed to live. She offered me the glass of water and I sipped it thankfully. My throat thanked me thoroughly because I haven't drank since morning.

"So I take the route directly and then go right?" I repeated after the lady, whose name was Magdalena.

"Yes dear, you'll find yourself down the main road" she smiled a warm smile that you rarely see these days.

"Thank you" I said on my way out. Before I was out though, I saw the outline of someone behind the curtains of a window in the main house. When I did a double take, they weren't there anymore.

My body was overcome with goosebumps.

I was finally home after asking a florist called Elliott for further directions. Nevertheless, I was home at last, and I mentally face palmed because it wasn't even that far. It didn't even take more than ten minutes.

I found Aiden in the kitchen, a look on his face revealing that he was about to devour the food in front of him.

"Stop!" I screamed, shocking him.

"What the hell?" He yelped looking at me.

"Wait for me!" If he started eating now, by the time I finish changing he would be done, and I hated eating alone.

"Well hurry up, I'm famished" He spoke impatiently.

"Alright, Alright" I hurried upstairs to my room, dropped my bag on the edge of my desk, and took off my jacket and hung it on the hanger. I decided I'd take a shower before I change into different pajamas so I stayed in my school clothes until after lunch.

When I went back down, Aiden had kept his word and waited for me. I grabbed two cans of coke from the fridge and placed them on the kitchen table. I retrieved my food from the microwave and we started munching.

It was my first meal this week.

No one spoke as we ate, but I noticed Aiden looking at me between bites. My arms specifically.

"Even if you're my brother, It's still rude to stare you know."

"These look fresh" He remarked.

"I rather hurt physically not mentally"

"Rai you do know other people have undergone things way worse than what you went through right?"

I wanted to throw my fork at Aiden's face. "Just because others had tougher things doesn't make it any easier for me"

"I'm sorry." He said immediately and shut up before he could produce any worse statements that would lead me to actually sticking my fork in his face.

I had a lump in my throat, however. I wanted to talk to him about something but I didn't know where to start, or how to say it. Aiden scared me even if I sounded tougher than him. It was anxiety I believe.

"Aiden," I spoke hoarsely.

He took a few seconds to swallow.

"hmm?" he hummed, looking at me.

"Will you ever consider kicking me out of the house for some reason? Nothing specific like a fight or something else?" I asked cautiously, avoiding his eyes as much as I could.

He looked like I just stabbed him in the back.

"How could you possibly think that!?"

That question comforted me but I probably didn't look as relieved as he expected I would be. I sadly didn't believe in words as much as I used to.

I decided to push it a little further. "Even if I were, let's say, different?" he suddenly stood up from his chair and made his way to mine, and took me in his arms and hugged my frame to his body. I couldn't help but think if it's weird for others to see us hugging because we look like the same person.

Aiden can be an asshole most of the time, but I could count on him when I need him.

"No matter how different you are, you're still my other half, literally. It's you and me against the world, always have been, always will be, right?"

He let go of me after a few seconds.

"Now will you tell me what's eating you up?" he tried.

I shook my head "We'll talk about it some other time"

"Alright, but remember, you always come first" I nodded and went to my room.

I couldn't eat much more anyway.

Once I was sat on my bed, I pulled my cookie jar from under my bed. It didn't have cookies. I don't even eat cookies.

I grabbed my notebook from my bedside table. I flipped it open to the page I needed. It wasn't a normal notebook. You don't write stuff in it, you write stuff out of it.

Each page was a color. First a yellow page, followed by a red one, then a black one and a blue one. And then they start again.

At the end of every day, I grab my scissors and cut a small rectangle from the notebook.

Black for a depressing day.

Yellow for a good day.

Red for a day I don't want to remember.

And Blue.

Blue was for a day I wanted to remember forever.

And I put the slip of paper in the jar. It's kind of a new year's thing that by the end of every year, I review how my year was that way.

There was once a year that was made of almost 365 red paper slips. A whole year that I don't ever, ever, want to remember.

The black slips of paper have been in a steady increase for the past 3 years, and I was worried about this one as there seems to be nothing but black papers in the jar, but I was a little glad that even though the blacks were becoming plentiful, they still were better than reds.

I put the jar away quickly when I heard a knock on my door. I didn't want anyone to know about it as it was personal to me.

"Come in" I spoke but I think he didn't hear me. "Come in" I said a little louder and the door opened. It was Aiden.

When he didn't speak I gave him a head gesture to beckon him to talk, even though I knew what he wanted to say. It was his night "check-up". He started doing it after the incident, and by incident, I mean Bl-. I rather not say his name.

He always comes to my room every night to check if I ate (when we don't eat together), and if I had any trouble at school, and if everything was alright in general. He was a nice brother, the best really.

He made sure everything was alright.

I slept well that night.

The next day, breakfast had already been prepared which I was grateful for because I was hungry.

"This is so good" I said after I swallowed a mouthful of pancakes.

"Glad you like it" Aiden said, entering the kitchen.

"You made these? They aren't store bought?" I asked, surprise evident in my voice. He smiled and nodded. "You're getting so much better at this" I smiled halfheartedly.

Breakfast was generally silent.

After I was done, I placed my dish in the sink and went upstairs to grab my backpack. I decided I'm going to school again today, and not because mom was ringing my phone again. She can't do that anyway since my phone lies in pieces in the corner of my bedroom.

How does she even have time for calling me with time difference?

First thing I saw when I entered school was pictures all over the place. It was the same picture everywhere. It was of Evan Peterson, my arts mentor and Zac, his stepbrother and the captain of the football team, was kissing him. Aiden must know him.

The caption on it was:

Love you Stepbrother. I guess incest is wincest...Scar♡♡

To be honest, I couldn't care less.

"Why would she do such a bad thing?" I asked.

"It's pretty weird to have a relationship with your stepbrother, Raiden." Aiden said.

"Why are you defending her? It's a mean act and it's low-key bullying."

He shrugged.

"I know you have a crush on her. You have a crush on The one who did this" I tried putting some sense into his brain, while holding the picture in Aiden's face, who seemed to have lost his tongue.

"Chill bro, why are you always like this?"

"Like what?"

"Soo, down"

Do I always look so down?

"Today, you're sitting at lunch with us"

"Please no" He couldn't be serious, I couldn't do that. Not a chance.

"You will and you're gonna love it. It'll help you come out of your shell."

"Can we not"

"Oh yes we will. Trust me it's gonna be the best day of your life"

Or a nightmare, both work.

If I weren't clear, and if it wasn't evident in my tone, I did NOT want to be on the same lunch table with Scarlet, Aiden and other people like them.

This was not going to end well.