Panic attack

Recap...

I get to the kitchen and see Luca on his phone. He looks up and nods in recognition before he goes back to his phone. It looks like it'll be a quiet night. For now at least.

Kiera:

Last night only Luca, Marco and Santo were home. So it was a really calm night. I definitely got lucky with that. After learning about Allessandro I don't want to test what he'd do. Just because I know I can survive doesn't mean I want to be abused again. I'm not that crazy. I just want to live my life how I want to. I don't think it's to much to ask.

Like I understand that I'm 16 but I still should get some freedom. And I sure as hell deserve to not get beaten for being myself or hanging out with a boy. I can't even imagine what they'd do if they knew I hooked up with Adonis. They hook up and do a lot more than I did with him but because they're pigs they would punish me horribly. Especially Allessandro, he seems a bit unhinged. I wonder who decided to let him run a Mafia. That's a big responsibility and if he's abusing his own family he doesn't deserve that responsibility.

I should probably get ready. I've been in bed for to long and now it's 5:00. Still early but I woke up at 4:23 so I've been in bed for way too long. After my shower I get dressed and cover all my scars and hickeys. I decided to wear some of the clothes I got from Santo. He really knows my style. I'll have to thank him later.

Her outfit, without the bag.

The guys didn't come home until Santo and I were getting ready to leave. Now I really want to know what they were doing. I can't worry about that now though. We make it to school and after saying bye to Santo I enter the building.

The bell finally rings for lunch and I walk as fast as I can to the cafeteria. I'm starving. After I practically inhale my food I play games on my phone. I almost made it out without any issues but because it's me of course I can't have a calm day.

Chantel comes up to me while I'm playing games and says "Stay away from my man you whore." Who are you calling whore? I put my phone in my bag and stand up facing her. "If anyone here is whore it's you," I say. I mean, I'm not wrong. I'm never wrong. "I'm not the one after a taken man," she sneers. "Who? If it's Adonis you can keep him, he's annoying," I say. Her face contorts in what I think is anger. She looks like she's trying to take a shit. "Don't talk about him like that, he's perfect," she says. I laugh and she gets even angrier. I start laughing at her face. Seriously the face she's making right now is hilarious. "W-what are you going to do about it," I say trying to hold back another laughing fit. She goes to kick me but I dodge causing her to fall. I start laughing again. I'm loving this. Her friends help her up and she storms towards me getting in my face. She's like and inch taller than me, made even taller by her ugly heals. "I thought you were straight," I say before she can speak. "What?" She asks. I think I'm enjoying this a bit to much. "You're so close you look like you're going to kiss me, are you really mad about Adonis? Or is this just because you want me?" I ask her. She looks disgusted and backs up a bit. "You're a disgusting pig," she says. I laugh, so I guess she's homophobic. "And what's wrong with fucking girls?" I ask although I'm sure I already know the answer. "Everything, you need Jesus," she says. Oh my god. "If anyone needs him it's you, you can tell him about how many guys you've fucked," I say. "You bitch, don't ever go near Adonis again," she says and storms off. I laugh. She looks so stupid when she's angry.

The rest of the day was pretty calm. My classes went by fast and there was surprisingly no disruptions. As I'm walking through the hallways I'm stopped by Killian. He's a football player and my sociology class, he's probably friends with Daniel. "What?" I ask him. He better have a good reason for stopping me. "Hey no need to get defensive. I just wanted to invite you to a party this Saturday," he says. A party? "Why would you invite me?" I ask him. I've only talked to him like once when he asked for a pencil. "Because the whole schools invited, it'll be huge," he says. He seems pretty innocent. Just a fuckboy but wouldn't do any harm. And I do miss parties, mainly the alcohol. "Fine I'll go, where is it's," he smiles and tells me the address. I leave and notice Daniel outside smirking at me. What a creep. I just continue walking ignoring him.

I eventually find Matteo's car and get in. I'm going to start making Santo notify me when one of these asshats picks me up. I need to mentally prepare for this shit. "How was your day?" Matteo asks while driving. I'm about to answer coldly but I remember my act. I hate this. "It was really good," I say smiling. He smiles to "That's good princess I'm glad," he says. I've only ever been called princess by sir. I never want to hear anyone call me that again. I swallow the bile rising in my throat and continue smiling until I look out the window. I've been able to let go of some trauma but I have not gotten over that horrible nickname. I feel like I might throw up.

Once we get to the house I run inside. Keeping up the act and greeting everyone in the living room before I run upstairs saying I have to go to the bathroom. As soon as I get into my room I head straight to the bathroom to throw up. At this point my hands are sweaty and my chest has started closing. I throw up and at this point I'm in a full panic attack. I just close my eyes and wait for it to be over. When my breathing calms I open my eyes again and rise my mouth after flushing the toilet and washing my hands.

I go back into my room and lay down to take a nap. It's crazy how something like a nickname can cause this. Princess should just be a cute nickname for a child and nothing more. Not a cause for a panic attack. I'm so broken. Beyond repair. And it's all my fault. I shouldn't have even been born, I wouldn't have killed mom if I wasn't.

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