Suicidal s/o

A/N: An anon on tumblr asked for some stuff with suicidal reader for Hawks, so TW for suicidal behavior! Hawks thinks reader might be cheating on him and he checks the reader's laptop to be sure

Hawks didn't want to even consider it, but he was getting suspicious with all that was going on with you. Almost every time he sat down next to you when you were on your laptop on the couch, you'd close it quickly, like you didn't want him to see what you were doing.

Hawks started noticing this behavior when you started to spend more time together. At first the thought that you might be cheating on him didn't even cross his mind. He thought you might just be planning a surprise for his upcoming birthday, but as his birthday came and went and your odd behavior persisted, he had to admit to himself that this must have been something else.

You knew Hawks was nosy, and observant as hell, so you were surprised he never mentioned your refusal to let him use your computer, or to really even see it. He might have made a few jokes about it, but he never seriously asked you about it. You sometimes felt like maybe he just didn't care enough to ask, no one else did, so why would he?

Hawks finally got his chance to take a look at your laptop when you forgot to close it while you went to take a shower. He was so sure he was right about you cheating on him, even though he hated to even think about it. What he found though, was so much worse, and it made him feel incredibly guilty for what he'd thought.

He checked some of your social media, but he couldn't find you even exchanging messages with anyone, let alone anything that could be considered cheating. He felt bad for thinking about it, but not bad enough to not check your notes app. When he opened it, the app asked for a passcode. He thought this was it for sure, a bit of an odd thing to keep behind a passcode, but he wasn't really thinking, he was just doing. Hawks just wanted to know, he couldn't take not knowing.

He knew the passcode on your phone, so he decided to try his luck with that. The notes app opened and he started looking through your different notes. The one that really caught his attention was one titled "Goodbye". He opened it and as he read, he couldn't help but feel the pit of dread in his stomach getting bigger and bigger. It was a suicide note.

Hawks heard the shower stop and he set your laptop on the couch, where it had been before he'd touched it. He really wanted to talk with you about this, he had to. He needed to let you know that he cared, that he loved you so much.

When you came back to the living room in your pajamas with a towel in your hand, you noticed he was looking at you with an odd expression. You couldn't quite place your finger on what was bothering you so much about it.

"Everything okay?" you asked as you approached while drying your hair on the towel.

"No, definitely not" he shook his head.

You sat down next to him on the couch and noticed your laptop was open just a little bit. You were sure you had closed it. Then it clicked, Hawks' expression and your open computer. He'd found out.

"You saw, didn't you?" you whispered.

"Yeah, I did... Why wouldn't you tell me?" he asked and grabbed your hand.

"I-I don't know. I mean I know in my heart you love me, even if my brain keeps telling me otherwise. It's just that the few people I've mentioned this to, have always thought I was just attention seeking and..." you trailed off.

"Oh dove" Hawks said softly, but you could hear the sadness in his voice, it sounded like it truly pained him that you were feeling this way.

Ever since you'd started having these thoughts, you'd never really talked about them with anyone, not for real anyway, and you'd been having them for a long time. Anytime you'd mentioned it to someone, they had just told you you wanted attention, and that you shouldn't say that just for attention, because people really have problems with stuff like that.

It had always made you feel even worse, because people didn't seem to believe you. You didn't know how to ask for help, when no one seemed to be listening. Over the years, you had come to the conclusion that it wouldn't do any good anyway, so you had just stopped talking about it, and started writing your thoughts down. It helped, but it didn't make the feelings go away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" you said.

"Why are you apologizing to me? You never need to apologize to me for feeling a certain way. I just wish you'd told me" he said, still holding your hand.

"Well you know now. Why were you on my computer anyway?" you inquired, hoping to steer him to another topic.

"Ahaha, no reason" Hawks laughed very awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand.

"I don't really believe that but I'm too tired to try to get the truth out of you" you rolled your eyes.

Hawks sighed with relief, but then he got a much more serious look on his face, as he said: "I know you probably don't like talking about it, bad past experiences and the topic being what it is, but I'm here for you. If you need to talk in the middle of the night, you wake me up or call me, or something, anything is better than-than this" he said, motioning at your laptop.

"I promise to try, but I can't really guarantee I'll be able to. I've been treated and felt like a burden for so long, I don't really know how to talk to someone who actually cares" you laughed to cover up the fact you were almost crying.

"I don't really know how I can help you, but I promise to learn, and I promise to try my best" Hawks vowed with a serious look in his eyes.

You couldn't hold back the tears anymore, you bursted into sobs as Hawks pulled you to his chest and held you as you cried. In that moment you knew he cared, he truly cared. You'd just have to keep reminding yourself of that whenever you started to doubt it.

Hawks would do his best to make sure you felt loved everyday. That you knew he cared about you and that he would never let anything hurt you, not even yourself.


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