Chapter Six

Spending some time at home helped a lot with both my mood and outlook on the season. I could see how Dan was right about how there was still lots of time to change the standings around. At the same time, I realised my performance only got worse if I pushed myself into an anxious state, fearing I won't deliver what the team is waiting for. I had to somehow find the middle ground where I was relaxed but at the same time focused on the end goal. Getting to spend a whole week at my own home I could use my newfound free time for some cooking and talk with my family a bit more regularly while continuing the usual training with Mark. It would have been lovely to fully rest, but missing out on a whole week during an ongoing season wasn't a possibility. It would probably hurt me more during the next race than how much enjoyment being lazy could bring. Still, although my mind knew all of this, my body fought against me for several days and it was up to Mark to get me out of my bed. This way we could get the training out of the way and use the remaining time for other activities that were a lot more enjoyable.


It paid off as soon as we got back to racing at Silverstone. Getting into Q3 already made me content, but then getting the car into P6 was the cherry on top I didn't know we needed. The home Grand Prixs were always a bit easier, and I knew the huge amount of experience of the track would help me too. But it was still an achievement that spurred me on and let me take on the next race with a much better attitude than what I had before the weekend. The team seemed ecstatic as well, that I finally wasn't a moping mess and they could get me back fully into the flow of a race weekend easier. The practise sessions almost flew by with my head in it completely, and the excitement bubbling through my veins got me through all the data work we had to do before qualifying. They were part of most of our days, meaning I had to suffer through them quite regularly, although this time I was almost happy to take part and even join in on the conversation. I wasn't one to just push everything onto them, but studying all the data was never my favourite part, until now when I felt too hyper to just sit around mutely.


That smile stayed on my face even after I missed Q3 by 2 tenths and parked down before the crew pushed the car back into the garage. I could see the surprise on everyone's face when the helmet was finally off my head and my mood stayed chipper. I did have a little argument with myself during the last lap, but I had to remind myself that P11 was a perfect position to get the car into a point gaining position during the race. I just hoped it would be the reality during race day, and I wasn't just persuading myself that it was a possibility while I wasn't actually capable of delivering. We already saw that the car was capable of it here, meaning it was up to me to bring out the performance again and again. The team was happy if I just got into the points and brought the car home, but it felt like a waste of a race if I didn't try to give my all. Of course to the limit where I don't try and test out the limits. We already saw how that can end for me, and I wouldn't like to have a repeat of it and the pain it caused me both mentally and physically.


" So we're P14 instead of P11. " Aaron turned to me as soon as I had my helmet down on the table at the back of the garage. For a second I thought he was just making this year's worst joke but catching a glimpse of his face made me realise it's the truth. " I'm sorry, but it's still a good position. You have a huge chance for points with a good start on the Haas and the Ferrari. " He tried making it better but I could only shake my head a little. It was easy to say as he wasn't the one starting the race.


" Fantastic. For once I felt content for a few minutes. " I let out a sigh, sitting down next to him for a quick debrief. " And a good start on both of the McLarens, like that's possible. Still, that's only P10. " I rolled my eyes a bit, taking a sip from my water while we heard the team getting Dan inside on the other side of the garage. At least he was in the perfect position to fight for maybe even a podium.


" Look, you were quicker than any of them. You're put back, but that does not take away from the engine or your skills. " He offered some comfort, although I could still only let out a sigh. " Maybe Lando is a stretch, but that's your starting position then, which means you delivered what the car gave you. " Aaron added, making me look up at him for a second, before just rather getting to the data we had to read through. I didn't want to be reminded and think about it for the day.


" Because that's what I'm here for. " I rolled my eyes, but just a second later it dawned on me that it was a bit harsh towards him. " Sorry, I just went from fully happy to depressed. " A sigh ran out of me as I finally sat down next to him, suppressing the snark remarks I knew would come to the front if I let it.


Luckily somehow I didn't get anyone angry with me during the debriefs and went to bed with a calmer demeanour. Getting enough sleep was a bigger challenge, which I mostly failed thanks to the all night long turning and trashing I did. When my eyes finally closed it was already late and let me catch a few hours but not as much as I would have liked. The morning went by grumpily, my mood brightening up only when I could finally change into my suit and get ready for the race. As soon as the helmet was on my head everything seemed a brighter colour and I could even get a smile on my face for a pre-race photo, even though it was only visible in my eyes with everything on. Going out of the garage I tried shutting down my brain and just doing everything how we usually did it.


Aaron's words turned out to be true, as I got an almost perfect start and was on the tail of everyone that got in front of me because of the penalty. It still wasn't an easy fight to get back to my actual Qualifying position and then hold everyone back from overtaking me. With all the position changes around us, I found myself just a tenth off of Lando's McLaren after his second pit stop. We still had almost half of the whole amount of the laps remaining but I finally felt like we had a chance in this race. Lando turned out to be a bit quicker than how I planned it, getting away from me as I got stuck behind a car he overtook in the next lap. By the time I caught up to him we were several positions forward, both comfortably in the points.


" Three laps remaining, and everything seems quite straightforward. You got permission to push and try getting P8. " Aaron came onto the radio, bringing the best news possible my way as my foot immediately went heavier onto the throttle. It wasn't an offer I would let expire and just go out without a challenge. " Stay within limits though. Don't push it over. " He added, getting a 'copy' from me before the radio went silent, giving me full control over the car and strategy.


Getting closer to the orange machine wasn't the problem, as I was already back on the tail of it, well within DRS which helped me get even closer. However, I knew Lando was always good at defending and he did block me on the remaining part of the lap. I hoped I could do it in one of the turns without using the straights so I won't have to defend him right after the overtake. When I realised it's not happening the plan was back to getting him with DRS on the straight and hoping it won't be too big of a bite to hold onto the new position. On the second straight I was finally close enough to get him with the DRS push and I found myself in front of Lando with spare time to get positioned for the next turn and get away from him as soon as possible. I needed a good exit and got what I wished for, flying further away from the still turning McLaren before he sped up too, still staying close to me, but not being a full threat. I was glad there was only one and a half lap remaining, knowing I would quickly lose a longer battle.


Crossing the line in 8th felt like a win and I stopped the car in parc fermé with a wide grin on my face, behind the helmet. Getting out of the car I waited next to it for Dan to pull up and finally catch up to me, so we could get back to the garage together. I accepted his tight side hug, letting him shake me a little as we started our way towards the team. They looked happy, even though there was again only one car bringing points home, Dan falling out of the top ten even though he started close to even a podium. The racing world was always cruel like that. You could have the time of your life on Saturday and just fail completely on Sunday as everything gets out of your control. Then sometimes it was the exact opposite way, with qualifying turning out as a nightmare but then the race itself going as well as possible.


We watched the podium with the team, leaving to the media pen on Lil's side as soon as possible so I could get it over with. They weren't my favourite, not even when I was happy with my results, as the questions usually turned stupid as soon as I showed up. Somehow they still couldn't deal with a female being part of their world and job. I really didn't know when they would finally get used to it and not deem it unusual. Maybe after a few seasons, but you could never know how much time you get in F1.


" So you did quite a well put together maneuver there in the last few laps. Was that part of the plan to fight so aggressively, or did you just give it a chance? " The reporter asked, my lips twitching in the smile with how he worded the question itself.


" The plan was getting as close to the top as possible. Luckily everything worked out and I had enough in the tyres left to both get him in DRS and then take the turn as quick as possible. " I shrugged a little, hoping there wouldn't be a follow up question and my smile got even wider when I was finally dismissed. I stepped next to Lily, so we could get back to the motorhome while going through next week's schedule once more.


" Hey, congrats. " Lando held up his fist when he got next to me with Charlotte in tow. " That was hell of a move. " He added, although it didn't sound genuine. For the last few weeks we got even more distant, and he didn't try anymore to get hugs from me or for us to talk more, staying with the common fist bumps and quick words shared on track.


" I'm sorry it was you. " I let out a sigh, but bumped our fists together for a second, so he wasn't left hanging. I was happy for the points taking his position gave me, but pushing him to less points was something I didn't wish for but came with the rules. " It would be better if everyone got the same points, but who would win than... " I shook my head a little, feeling the awkwardness of the situation.


" You're not, but it's okay. " He shrugged, turning his gaze away from me towards the cameras and reporters, like they are more interesting to watch. I felt as my jaw dropped a bit at his answer but I didn't get to ponder long on his answer. " It's just racing... " I could see as Lando rolled his eyes, even though he was still turned away from me and tried to hide it probably.


" What the hell do you mean? I'm not sorry for doing my job, but I am sorry that it was you I pushed back in the process. " I looked at him confused, standing in front of him when I saw he wasn't about to turn back towards me. " You can't be angry with me for something like this. That's not fair. " I shook my head again, finally getting him to look back at me.


" Yeah, okay. But you can ignore me all you want out of nowhere. Because that's fair. " Lando squinted his eyes at me, but turned away and left before I could get out of my shock and speak up, defending myself. Maybe it was better with him leaving, as I knew it wouldn't have been an apology what I said next.


The walk back to the hospitality was quiet, Lil sensing I wasn't in the mood for small talk or any kind of celebration of today. Even Dan didn't try to talk to me when we passed each other in the building, making me sure my sulking and hurt was visible either on my face or my posture. At least they didn't force me to pretend any kind of emotions I did not feel like at that moment. That would have been just plain awkward, as I was never good at acting.


" Cyril will talk to you and Dan tomorrow. He said tonight is off for everyone to have a rest as the flight to Spain won't be long anyways. " Lil informed me before we separated at the door of my room. While she still had emails to answer and plans to make I only had to change and get to my hotel for a rest finally.


It took me twice the time it usually did to change back to my usual clothes and get my hair out of the tight braid it was in for races. After a quick look in the mirror I just rather put it into a bun, knowing it would just be all over the place in any other style. I was just about to put the pass around my neck and leave when there was a knock on the door to the room and after my short answer Dan pushed it inside. It wasn't a surprise as we usually left in the same car, but from the look on his face I knew he wanted to say something more.


" Maybe you should talk to him? I'm sure he didn't mean it, and was just tense from the race. " He finally spoke up, while I tried passing him but he wouldn't step away from the doorway. " You are best friends, you shouldn't leave it like this. " Dan added, making me shake my head immediately.


" I don't think we can call each other best friends anymore. Even a friendship is questionable. " I denied what he said, finally getting out of the room when he gave up keeping me in there. " I'll talk to him when he doesn't blame me for something that's part of every race. " I looked back at him, shrugging my shoulders a little although inside I cared a lot about the situation. It hurt to break such a close friendship, knowing it was me who messed everything up twice as painful.


Luckily Dan didn't try and continue our conversation on the way to the hotel, giving me a few minutes to calm down. When we got back to our own rooms I was ready to call him and talk it about, but somehow my pride didn't let me tap on his contact and just seconds later my phone landed on the bed, face down and with a locked screen so I wouldn't be tempted. Right until the end of the Spanish GP it worked fine, my mind staying off Lando and our argument well enough to clear my head and let me focus on the race instead. I tried talking to him once again after the race, but when he mostly just ignored me it made me give up and just make sure with the PR time that we wouldn't be in the same circle for the next weekends. A part of me hoped the break between Spain and Belgium would help us calm down and talk it out, but somehow my realistic side couldn't see that becoming reality.


The talk next morning with Cyril and Dan went surprisingly well compared to how low my energy level was. I still wanted to get out as soon as possible, but it didn't feel like torture at least. Luck shined upon me when I got to be the first one to go through the race and everything that happened, meaning I didn't really have to pay attention in the second part of the debrief and I could let my mind relax until we were free to leave finally. My thoughts were already halfway through the universe in the complete opposite direction, when Lil poked my side, getting my attention back to the conversation. Dan was already up from his seat which made me think we were wrapping up the meeting for a second, before I heard my name and my head automatically turned towards the head of our PR department.


" Art reached out if you would have time to film a part for their campaign video with a few of their previous talents. It would be a couple of days in the break between Spain and Belgium if you're up for it. " He informed me and I had to take a few seconds to fully gather what was shared with me. " We're planning everything with them. So you just have to travel there, do an interview and maybe a bit of driving. That's it. " He added when I didn't answer immediately.


" Sounds fun, don't know why I would say no. The break would have been boring anyways. " I shrugged a little with a smile on my face, and was glad when they let us leave after everything seemed settled. Although I was looking forward to a weekend off, somehow this program got me a bit more excited for it.


The two seasons I spent with Art were fun even through the usual ups and downs of a racing season. The crew around the drivers were fantastic, and they all made the off season and races that bit easier. Most teams make sure that the team morale stays high no matter what, and if you get to spend more time in one place and can settle in deeper it feels like you have a second family. Our last season was the best of course, 2019 being a lot clearer than the previous one with luck finally getting on my and the team's side. It's not everyday that a team gets to celebrate both first and third place in the driver's championship, as while I got onto the podium's last step Nyck won the whole season meanwhile. We didn't really have a chance to talk since finishing the season and I was grateful for this opportunity to get back to the team that made F1 possible for me and also to catch up with them and Nyck too.


In the next few days every detail was discussed and the dates agreed in a way that fit both mine, Renault's and also Art's schedule for the break. After a forgettable spanish gp I had a few days to relax before it was time to fly to France and meet up with everyone there. They planned two full days of filming that contained Nyck and I racing each other on a smaller track in our 2019 cars, a quiz battle between former and present team members about Art's history and then at the end of the last day a few interviews about how it felt to change from F2 to F1 and FE. It was the perfect way to stay with the rhythm of racing but at the same time give myself some time to get distracted from serious strategies and data to have fun for a few days. It could still be considered as a bit of practice or training, but it was more relaxed and we were allowed to mess around a little too when we had enough shots for the planned video.


It was a surprise when the team invited us all to a dinner as a farewell present. The food was delicious and the company was as good as it could get. We didn't know everyone but half way through the meal it already felt like we have been friends for years. We still mostly stayed in our original groups, but tried mixing a little for conversations as we listened to the crew members telling all the funny stories from the season. Leaning back in my seat while listening to another story I took in our surroundings and I had to let out a sigh at realising how easy it was with them to just be myself and not put up walls. I almost forgot how easy it could be to just exist around people, with how complicated it got with the whole situation with Lando. In a way I wanted to just forget about it and enjoy the night, but at the same time somehow it felt like I didn't deserve to enjoy spending time with others after I pushed so many other people away from myself.


" You okay? " Nyck asked from next to me as I put down my now empty glass. I knew all along he was sitting next to me, I was the one choosing this seat, but somehow my mind just kicked in and I would have loved to punch myself for how I flinched a little. " I remembered you as someone who would never shut up. " He went on with a quiet laugh, calming my nerves a bit that he didn't see my movements somehow.


" Mostly. My mind is running quicker than our cars, but nothing major. " I shrugged a little, turning my head in his way with a smile on my face. It wasn't a complete lie, just a bit forced. " A lot changed this year... Anxiety and just the pressure has been kicking my ass for several weeks now and it doesn't help that I don't even remember the last time I was asked a normal question in connection with racing. But it's nothing new and everyone goes through it. " My hand lifted the glass in front of me again, in an attempt to hide the frown that wanted to crawl on my face. I couldn't understand why the words just slipped out, but in my head I tried to put it up to having some alcohol in my bloodstream and being too relaxed with people I knew well.


" I thought you would have friends there, or are they just not helping? " He asked, his brows furrowed and it felt good that he was concerned for me in a way. " I mean we could all see how you and Lando drifted apart, but I thought at least George and Alex would look out for you. They should know how hard getting used to F1 is. " He shook his head a little and I agreed with a nod before registering what the first part of his sentence was.


" Wait, what do you mean you could all see? " My head whipped into his direction and I had to wince when pain shot through my neck from the sudden movement. In a way I thought somehow we managed to deal with the matters between ourselves, without anyone outside the paddock realising what's happening. If Nyck saw it probably everyone else suspected at least half of the truth.


" It was quite visible. You went from spending quarantine at his to acting distant around cameras and then fighting after the interviews. " He took a sip from his own drink, looking like he really didn't know what a sensitive spot he's touching into at that moment. " I mean we didn't hear it, but you were in the angle of the camera and you could see neither of you were happy to have that conversation. " He shrugged a little, half calming me that it wasn't audible at least.The thought of it getting caught on camera and shown on TV was awkward enough.


" It was all a mess. He congratulated me for my overtake, I tried to apologize that it had to be on him, and he just accused me of not actually caring about him. " I let out a sigh, finishing my drink and I would have loved to rest. " It was that last small kick we needed not to talk to each other. It wasn't fair from him and I'm not sliding on my knees to him for forgiveness. " I shook my head a little, feeling the anger bubble up inside me again, even though the person I was angry at wasn't even next to us.


" He probably doesn't know what he did wrong towards you and was also fed up with himself. All the emotions can make you say things that you don't mean. " Nyck tried to reason, making me sigh and shake my head a little. I didn't know if it was true to our situation or not, but gave me a bit of hope that we can get over it in the close future. " Give him some time to calm down and try not pushing him away if he's trying to spend time with you. " He advised, but I just shook my head immediately.


" I've seen how that goes, and I'm not doing that again. I rather the fans think we're enemies now, than for them to know we're friends. The only way to make that happen is with us not talking and spending time with each other when we're in public. " I denied the idea immediately, as that was exactly why we got into this uncomfortable situation. I wasn't about to go from one extreme to the other, both of which felt like a nightmare.


" Then talk to him privately, when you don't have cameras around. They can't get into the hotel anyways. " He offered and I knew he was right and that I should have found another way to keep in touch. " I wouldn't be scared about a bit of shipping anyways. It's mostly just a bit of fun for the fans, but they never really mean it. Shipping two drivers is never serious, not even if one of them is a girl. " Nyck gave me a smile and even though I wanted to change somehow I felt like he wouldn't understand the whole aspect.


It still felt liberating in a way to finally talk about it with someone, and hear their opinion. He helped me understand how it must have felt for Lando to go from talking all the time to completely losing me after everything. He was the one who collected enough courage to come to me and apologize after leaving me on hold for his first season and I just turned my back on him and did the same thing to him. I don't think I would have realized this alone, keeping everything closed off and my mouth shut about the problems we went through and I was grateful for either the alcohol or just my relaxed state that I didn't hold back that night.


There was a weight lifted off my shoulder, letting me enjoy the remaining time I got to spend in France with the team before leaving for Belgium and having to get my focus back onto racing. It was fun to watch the fans gush about Nyck, myself and the bit of behind the scenes footage they got from the team, and somehow my mind wasn't as fixated on getting them to really believe we were just friends. It was easier with them knowing about Nyck's girlfriend of course, but I wanted to believe that I did improve from the talk we had and finally realised it's enough if we know what's between us. They can think whatever they want and share posts with their own thoughts until I'm comfortable with the real life situations behind those pictures, gifs and videos. Their words won't change anything and also don't have to be a mirror to how my life or career will turn out.


Although I didn't yet get myself to try and talk to Lando I made sure he didn't feel like I closed him off fully. I went from ignoring questions about him or his team to answering anything I wasn't banned from by Renault, putting a bit of fuel onto the fire that was our fanbase. They started posting about us, curious about the change of mood in me and debating if anything new happened that they don't know about yet officially. A few days ago it would have made me crawl back into the safe little shell I built up for myself, but I tried facing it and not get intimidated by people who only knew my media side and couldn't control my life. The Belgian GP turned out to be a huge booster to both my confidence and championship points, as it was the closest I ever got to an F1 podium. It was still out of reach by quite a bit, but both Dan's and my performance seemed solid as we got to help each other like team mates should to a level. Luck was on our side too, but I felt like my head was fully there and apart from a few mistakes made, I met my goal and could pat myself on the back for a good weekend. Not even the interviewers' stupid questions could anger me as I either answered them or just ignored the ones that were too personal or completely not connected to the race.

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