After the second GP in Italy, the media backlash turned out to be just as violent as we anticipated. A few stood up for me and my reaction while others couldn't understand how my team let me lash out without any punishments. It seemed to simmer down by the time we arrived back in Italy and I was brave enough to accept the usual amount of interviews after reducing the amount for the last two weekends. I still welcomed the break with wide arms, getting to spend a few days well away from the gym was never something I hated. Even though both Mark and I travelled to Turkey a week earlier than we had to be there, he let me have a day off before getting back to our almost usual pre-race schedule. The only difference was that instead of a track run before FP1 I was invited to Lando's. Following our talk after my crash, everything seemed to get back to how we naturally acted around each other and seeing how we forgave the other one his team invited me to the team celebrations they planned for the start of the day. A month ago, with where my brain was then, I would have declined their offer just because I knew it would get the fans talking, but now I won't pay so much attention to them. This approach was the healthiest option for everyone, but most importantly me, as it lowered my anxiety level to almost zero.
After finally getting up and out of my hotel room, I had to spend a few minutes with the team at the hospitality but at least I had the chance to put my things down in my room there before walking down to the pit lane. The McLaren team was already around their garage and I could see some balloons and other decorations on the walls and the outside area. When you had to celebrate on a race weekend you made the most of what you could get, and the team did their best in my opinion to make it look a bit more festive.
" Good morning! " I quickly greeted everyone, standing next to Carlos with my hands deep in my pockets. " I timed it well, not having to take part in the decorating. " I let out a laugh, seconds later shivering from the breeze and just burrowing myself deeper into the neck of my jacket.
" Not like they needed too much help. It looked like this by the time most of us arrived. " Carlos shrugged his shoulders watching with me as they made some last tiny changes with the balloons before deeming it perfect and done. " Are you coming to dinner too? " He asked, turning to me a bit as everyone else mingled around us.
" That's the plan if no one from the team minds. " I nodded a little, turning the little box between my fingers, still inside my pocket. I was still debating if I should give it to him now or rather after today's work finished. " I know the people wouldn't mind, but it's still a team dinner. And I'm not a part of it or any kind of member. " I added before Carlos could say anything, as I knew it would be the next thing I hear from him.
People were looking out for Lando, meaning we could mindlessly chat away without giving the plan away to him. When Henrik and the other camera guys got ready we all knew he must be close and everyone quieted down. We waited for him to finally come through the little hallway that led from the paddocks right into the garage, and shouted 'Happy Birthday' at him as soon as he was visible. Lando seemed surprised and maybe even scared for a second before we could see the smile in his eyes as he came closer. I let his team congratulate him first before I took just a step closer but still stayed further away, more like lingering in the background. Even if I knew most of the people in his team, thanks to him introducing us, it was still a bit uncomfortable to be among them after how rude I acted for the whole year towards one of their drivers. Deep inside I knew they probably wouldn't hold it up against me, wouldn't even really care. If they did they would have not invited me so I could celebrate with them. Just as I got back from my thoughts Lando stepped away from the last member of his crew, looking around the room when they told him something before patting him on his back, and just seconds later his eyes landed on me.
" Guess this is my first present. " He let out a laugh, coming closer and hugging me immediately, not giving me time to second guess myself. " Who do I need to thank for inviting you and then actually getting you here? " Lando asked, letting go of me and stepping back a little.
" Mostly Carlos and Charlotte, with Zak backing them up when I wasn't sure about if your team would be okay with it. " I let out a sigh, knowing that getting me to attend was still probably a bit harder work than it should have been with my new approach. " But I would have come over anyways, just not when you're celebrating with your team. " I shrugged a little, the smile staying on my face as I could see them getting the cake out.
I could see he was about to say something when everyone started singing, two of his mechanics bringing out the cake that had all of his colours and pictures of him and Carlos all over it. I watched as he blew out the candles and then started slicing the cake up while both he and Jon joked about how it probably doesn't really fit in any of his, Carlos' or my dietary plan. They were probably right, but we all knew one slice wouldn't do any real harm to us, even less if we compensated with just a bit more training for the day, next to our usual amount. We were athletes but not the ones who had to give up everything positive about life luckily.
As I wanted to be at least useful, after missing the whole decorating part, I stepped next to Charlotte and helped hand out the slices to everyone as Lando cut them. We took one each from the last three, stepping away a little to leave space around the small table. I listened to the bickering between Carlos and Lando with some of the crew joining in for a burn or two on the two of them. Being good friends meant you won't get hurt by a few harder words as you always knew they either didn't mean it or it had a joke side to it. It was quite a bit of time later when somehow the crowd disappeared into the garage and even though we could still hear them, we were mostly alone. It felt like the perfect moment to give him his little present.
" I have a little something for you. " I pulled out the box from my jacket pocket and handed it to him when he put down the paper plate from his own hands. " Nothing luxurious, but I hope you will like it. " I added with a chuckle as he slowly opened it up, the excitement clearly visible in his eyes as the box came apart finally.
" You're making me do math for my birthday? What a lovely gesture... " He snorted with a frown crawling onto his face as I couldn't hold back my laughter, taking my phone out. I already searched up the coordinates on my map so I could show him perfectly what place they resembled.
" It's more like geography, but you would never know. " I rolled my eyes, handing the device to him while the blue and yellow coloured bracelet was in his other hand. " If you don't know the place with this much help I'm going to be disappointed. " I let out a sigh, watching his face intently as his lips finally stretched into a grin.
" You think I wouldn't recognize our karting track? " He asked back laughing, but as he gave back my phone he probably saw my eyes roll again and the next chuckle got stuck in his throat. " I mean... There was a chance for it... Maybe... " He added, making me chuckle as we both knew he could be all over the place sometimes. I wouldn't have been surprised if he needed more tips to finally realise what the coordinates on the little metal plate at the middle pointed to.
" There was a very big chance... " I squeezed his shoulder gently, watching as he put down the little box and got the bracelet around his wrist, tightening it a little. " It will fit your racing suit. " I told him, letting out another laugh as I knew that was a girly thing, to match all of our things together. It was in his usual blue-yellow-orange colours, but I knew he wouldn't mind wearing it to outfits that didn't fit the colour scheme.
" Thank you. I love it. " He grinned at me, hugging me for a quick second where I gladly squeezed him back but let the others steal him for some photos. In the end, even I was pulled into some of them right next to Lando of course, but I really didn't mind and it was lovely of them to really let me be part of the whole celebration. " Now you raised the standard for my next gift to you. " He let out a laugh but turned with his head towards the others who were calling his name from inside the garage, making me look up as well.
" Go, we have a race weekend to get through before we can really celebrate. Dan would roast me to bits if I was late to the briefing anyway. " I let out a sigh, pushing a bit on him to get him to move so I wouldn't feel as bad leaving the little party and him behind for my own team duties. I did get one last hug from him but then we parted ways, going in different directions as he entered their garage and walked down to ours.
Even though real-life events sometimes gave us a bit of breathing room, we had to get back to our tasks when they happened to fall so close to or more like onto a race weekend. As much as I would have liked to stay and celebrate right now with them, and would have probably done if my team wasn't further down the paddock, but I had my own meetings and data to go through before getting to the first practice session. On these occasions, you had to push everything else behind until you had actual time off track to get back to them. It was ruthless in a way, but at the same time very similar to any profession where your job had to be first during weekdays. The only difference is that we only lost 3 or 4 days of the week, the others staying less stuffed and giving us more free time. But for that to feel actually relaxing you had to give your everything for those other days.
The race itself didn't go the best for any of us with just one point for Dan and 11th for me. It didn't feel great after a DNF and just an 8th in Portugal and the 3rd Italian race of the season, but it was the reality we had to live with. With only three races remaining we had to realise what our current standing meant and where we could still improve or not. I was quite happy with a mid-position for my first ever F1 season, and Daniel did quite well to be in the top third even though everyone knew he tried to bring even more out of the car before leaving for McLaren. That was another thought that left everyone with a sour aftertaste, knowing we won't be working together as closely as we're doing now after the end of the season. I felt fortunate that he was the one to get me used to the team and working in F1. Without his positive outlook on everything, it would have been even harder and more complicated, than the change from F2 already was.
I couldn't be truly angry with him as I knew we all had to look out for ourselves and our own journeys as a priority. Everything else had to come second even if they were our best friends on the grid. It also wasn't like he was leaving the whole championship. He was still part of the grid and was going to be there every step of the season, just not in the same garage. At least we could both take on another challenge and not just get stuck in a part of our lives. Mine was Alpine while his was McLaren, at least for the next season. After that we will maybe leave those new people as well, taking another step. Or maybe not. It wasn't the right time to make plans for so much in advance even before we could see how our new teams will do with their new cars. Until then we still had time with our current team and car. The time that I also planned on spending more of with Lando, just as I was advised to by almost everyone who I talked about this with.
With everything wrapped up for the weekend and the team letting us go early, I had all the time I could need on my hands to get ready for the night. I didn't want to overdo it of course but still made sure to wash my hair, curl it a little and get the prepared dress on before it was time to leave. The text that Lando sent me just ten minutes before the planned leaving time surprised me, but I was glad to leave together with someone else. We only had to walk a street or two down, taking an elevator to the top of the building, but I was glad I would have company to spend the time with. I was just about to call him if he was ready or not when I heard a knock on the door and I stood up immediately to answer it. Swinging the door open I was met by Lando in a light white shirt, black blazer and slacks. His whole look reassured me that I didn't overdress the occasion with my choice of a short cream coloured, velvet looking, tighter fitted dress.
" Fancy. " I smiled, stepping outside the room without any kind of greeting and there was an immediate smile getting onto his face. " At least I don't feel out of the place. " I added, locking my door and following him to the elevator. It was already late enough for the hotel to be almost empty, finally letting us use the lift without having to wait for minutes.
" Says you, who looks like she has a dinner date with the Queen. " He shook his head, stepping right next to me and still looking down at me. I was never a fan of heels, but when I did my choice was usually a smaller one that didn't help much with my height.
" The Queen? I'm not sure she would be delighted by my outfit. " I stepped through the automatic doors and let Lando push the right button to take us down to the lobby. " Lucky I'm not dressing up for her in the near future. That would be pretty boring. " I shrugged my shoulders a little, fixing the straps that were quite loose and slipped a bit at my movement.
" Who are you dressing up for then? " Lando asked, his voice the usual joking tone while his eyes were of someone unsure about his words. He was someone to get anxious easily, but rarely when we were spending time together.
" Well you know, there's this boy. He's celebrating his 21st and I felt like the occasion deserves some fancy clothing. " I shrugged again, letting out a laugh when at first he was confused and then finally realised I was talking about him and his party. " You're the worst. " I rolled my eyes, leaving the elevator as soon as the doors slid open.
He caught up to me by the reception, both of us giving our keys to the guy behind the table, before leaving the building of the hotel. The temperature wasn't in the 20s but it was still enjoyably warm, which was perfect for lighter clothing. I would even say it was perfect for our few minutes long walk, cooling us down before a night of drinks, great food and all night long laughter. Their team was known for the chemistry they all had between themselves, and fortunately, they did not keep it private on these team outings. I could feel a wider smile getting onto my face as we entered the rooftop restaurant and everyone was already around the reserved table, right next to the railing. We quickly greeted everyone as soon as we walked up to them and looked around for an empty space. From the two remaining seats available I gladly let Lando sit down next to Zak, myself taking the seat next to his with my back towards the view. I was never a huge fan of heights and could do without remembering constantly how high up we were at the moment.
We were well into our dinner already when Lando made the decision to take off his blazer, which was natural as the air still felt warm on my skin as well. But it also showed me that he was already wearing the bracelet I gave him on Friday, and I couldn't hold back from reaching out and turning it a bit so the little metal plate would be on top. He was just talking to one of the mechanic's from his side of the garage, but he still looked at me, without any falter in his face, and smiled at my creations first before looking back up at me. I returned the smile, only pulling back my hand after he already looked back at the others, not realising my fingers were still touching both his skin and the material of the bracelet. I was glad when Charlotte pulled me into a conversation, getting my thoughts back to reality and giving me a chance to distract myself from whatever got my brain frozen for a second.
No one was really surprised when we could hear sparkler sounds and soon enough a waiter appeared, holding up another decorated cake. It was smaller and less detailed, but it was the taste and the thought that mattered anyway. I gladly offered to help with the cutting, passing out plates that already had slices on them to everyone who was up to having a bit of dessert after everything else. In the end, I took one for myself as well, not having enough willpower to go against some delicious chocolate cake when it was offered so kindly. Sadly, it was gone in a blink of an eye, but the content feeling from the great company, few drinks and almost three full courses of meals was on the perfect limit that you didn't want to cross. It was the kind of content happiness that made you a bit sleepy, no matter if you were at home in close proximity to your bed or at a birthday party with loud music around you. My body just decided it was time for a nap at that exact second.
Leaning back a bit in my seat I listened to the conversations around me, turning more towards Lando, Zak and Jon. It was sometimes strange to see people who you associate with one place or activity, in a more everyday setting. Although Lando wasn't someone that I only knew from work, the other two fit the description perfectly. Neither of them was someone I talked to outside of the paddock, even though I would have had the chance to attend some programs that got people from the grid together. I felt like I went through this year and never lived through it truly. I missed opportunities to get to know people more, while one of my main goals was getting to be part of the community that's around the paddock. It's the only thing you can have while you're travelling all the time, far away from family and the friends you have at home. Hopefully knowing all this now, next season would be a bit more chill and easier to get used to the people around us.
" You okay? " Lando made me look up from my hands and right at him. It took me a second to feel the weight of his hand on my thigh, right over my knee and my brain froze even more. My face must have displayed my emotions better than I myself understood them, as he immediately sent me a confused look, squeezing my leg a little to get me to talk.
" Yeah, content and happy, just a bit sleepy on the side. " I let out a sigh, forcing a smile onto my face although keeping it there was less of a struggle. I could still get deep into my thoughts, but I didn't let my mood depend on the memories that get back to me anymore. They don't matter if I can't change them now. " The others? " I asked as I realized both Zak and Carlos disappeared from their seats in the timeframe I wasn't paying attention to them.
" Zak got a phone call and Carlos decided we were a boring company without him. " He pointed at the Spaniard, standing a few seats away from us, animatedly talking with a few of the mechanics. I had to chuckle at his movements and I could feel Lando was in the same state as I felt his handshake before he pulled it back. " If you don't pay attention he could easily knock you out by accident. " He added and I could feel his arm coming up onto the backrest of my chair.
" I'm the teammate of Dan... think I was trained well enough to duck out of the way in no time. " I had to let out a laugh, looking back at him but I could feel how my blinks got slower and deeper by every passing second. " Although, right now he would probably get me before I could even realise his movements. " I rolled my eyes a little at my own slowed downstate.
" Come here, you. " I still heard his chuckle before he pulled his chair closer to mine, his arm over my back pulling me closer to him. " Do you wanna go back to the hotel? " He asked as I turned a bit towards him and let my hand rest onto his shoulder.
" Not alone, but this is your party. I don't want to crash the mood by forcing you to walk back with me. " I shook my head a little, closing my eyes and gave up the fight I had with them just seconds ago. " I'm good like this. Just wake me up if someone tries to talk to me or I start snoring. " I shrugged but had to open my eyes a little when he pulled my legs into his lap and got his blazer around my shoulders. He seemed sure about his choices and realising how comfortable this position was, I just let it happen and relaxed into his body.
I never really dozed off, but I wasn't paying as much attention to the others or the conversations as I did before. Somehow there wasn't even a tiny bit of embarrassment or regret in me by how I pretty much blocked Lando from doing anything else than sitting right next to me and practically making sure I won't fall off my chair. Probably not the birthday night he imagined, but as it was his own offer that I gladly took him up on, there was no space for regret from his side. Just as his hand on my back and the kiss he placed, on the top of my head, showed me that regret was the last thing he thought about in connection with our position. I didn't even mind when he got back into a conversation with Zak, their voices serving as a great background noise that drowned out the quiet music or the sounds of the city behind us.
The dinner lasted for another thirty minutes before people started leaving to get back to the hotel. I could have left alone, or with someone from the team I knew a bit better, but I rather chose the option where I waited for Lando so we could get back together. I didn't have to wait for long as just a minute after the last plates and glasses were taken away he let out a yawn as well. Standing up from our seats we took our time to bid goodbye to everyone who decided to stay longer still. We took the elevator down to the bottom floor and decided to walk back as it was quicker than having to wait for a taxi. We walked mostly in comfortable silence, both of us tired from the weekend and dinner itself enough to just enjoy the city noises until we got back to the hotel and up to our floor.
" Thank you for coming. It made the night at least two times more fun. " Lando broke the silence as I stopped in front of my door. His was a bit more down the corridor but it didn't seem like he would leave until I got inside.
" I should act like a deadweight more then. " I grinned up at him, swiping the card on the lock and pushing the door inside as soon as it unlocked, while I could hear his suppressed laughter. " Thank you for having me. I know it was all a team celebration but I'm really glad I could take part in it. " My legs moved on their own, taking a step closer to him and I pulled him into a quick hug before stepping back.
We wished the other good night before I stepped inside my room finally and Lando turned around gingerly to get to his own room as well. It was hard work to force myself into the shower, but I never regretted it and would say I was even glad that it gave me the chance to sleep in. Not having to squeeze in a morning shower freed up the necessary time for me to wake up later and get to the airport immediately after breakfast. It was a quick change from the relaxed state of last night, but I knew we will have some time to rest after landing as we all had a whole week before the GP in Bahrain. It was my choice to travel early and rather spend time there with Mark than go with the normal plan and fly with the team a few days later. It seemed like a better solution for the jetlag, as I would be well over it by the time we had to get back to our training schedule.
The first few days were quite lonely and a bit too calm for my liking, but it all kicked up as soon as Dan and the remainder of the team arrived in Bahrain as well. We had a few less formal meals and programs together before we woke up on Monday and had to get back into the usual race week mindset. That meant starting the weekend with our usual interviews on Thursday, by the schedule that was decided on the previous day. I really didn't know how to feel about my name right under Lando's, although it was more surprising that they didn't put us into a session together already during the season. It was of course intentional after all the pictures McLaren posted of the birthday dinner, even though there was nothing that could be deemed special or one they could see things into. Henrik did send us one where I was dozing off on Lando's shoulder, but that was never publicly shared with the fans and we weren't planning on changing that. Pictures like that one were only for us to see.
It was great to see Lando again and exchange a few words before we were ushered into the room, changing places with Carlos and Charles who probably had enough of the questions. With the end of the season coming up everyone was more and more invested in the future teammates rather than the current ones. I got asked about Dan and the fact that he's leaving more frequently as well but luckily since my blowup during that grid interview my experience got better and I was asked professional rather than personal questions every occasion. I had a feeling that today would be an exception, but for once I was fortunately wrong. No one drifted onto sensitive topics or tried to trick us into saying things that would sound worse out of context afterwards. Springing from how the fans reacted to the pictures, it gave me peace of mind that we won't be feeding into it with the media content of the weekend at least and I was still positively looking forward to everything when we said our goodbyes. We left the building together with Lando and Charlotte, deep into a conversation that lasted right until we had to separate at our garage in the middle of the paddock.
After such a positive Thursday, we were delighted that it followed us into the weekend, giving us successful free practice sessions and quali. We didn't unlock any hidden powers or won everything even before the race started, but mechanical problems stayed far away from us and both Dan and I felt like the car was at least stable and we could push it a bit harder than usual. What no one thought could happen was everything just going wrong on Sunday. Not for us particularly, but for just Formula 1 in general.
The minute I heard Aaron, who I never heard panicking before, came onto my radio with rushed words, quickly informing me about the safety car, I knew something must have gone wrong. I realised how terribly off I was about the severity of the situation, as soon as we took a turn and could see the flames in the background. For a second I only hoped it was just something off track breaking down, but my tiny bubble of hope was broken in no time as Aaron informed me about the accident and what's gonna happen next. The red flag couldn't come soon enough, and although all my life I did anything just to get behind a steering wheel, I couldn't wait to get out of the car after it was parked in the garage. Seeing the replays of the footage didn't help one bit, making my skin itch from my racing suit and genuinely my only thoughts were about leaving the track and race behind before I could see another second of Romain's accident.
Seeing him walk away from the scene on his own legs was the only positive thing that came out of that night. Although everyone had to get back into their cars and finish the race, I would have put all my money on the fact that no one could really get their head back into the game fully. The podium ceremony still felt lonely without the spectators around the track, but that day it was even worse with everything that loomed over them as we watched them receive their trophies and open up the champagne. I don't think anyone could hold grudges against them for going forward with the celebrations as they still deserved it for their work throughout the race. But also everyone could feel how the emotions were truly off and not one bit like during any of the other podiums we had during the season.
" Tonight is off for everyone, and we're gonna start packing tomorrow afternoon. Everyone needs rest and time after tonight's events. " Cyril announced as soon as we got back to the garage, and I could hear several relieved sighs around me but my eyes were fixed on just one part of the whole space.
As far as I could remember there was never an occasion where I felt scared sitting in a kart or any single-seater until today. Looking at the car with a tense group of mechanics and engineers around me I couldn't imagine getting inside that machine ever again. Even during the restart, it was a struggle to push myself into the cockpit but now, after getting a chance to think everything through, it felt almost impossible to get my legs to walk me closer. I just stared at it from my seat next to Aaron and followed the covering fabric getting pulled over it for the night and next few days. This time I would have been glad if there was a week break between two race weeks again, but without a location change, it was logical to have them right after the other.
" Hey, Winola. Call me if you need someone to talk to. " Dan offered, before leaving the garage. I could only nod with a tiny forced smile that left my face as soon as he got out of my sight.
It took me twice the time to change back into my normal clothes and pack my things up than usual, but eventually, I got down to the parking lot. I was glad Mark offered to drive us, as I wasn't about to trust myself with a car and traffic. We were back at the hotel in no time and we separated as soon as he was sure I was fine to be left alone. What he didn't know is that even though I opened my door, just as quick I already closed it back again and turned around. It was easy to find Lando's room by the number and after taking a deeper breath I knocked on the wood a few times. I was just about to give up after a few minutes of getting no answer when I could hear talking that seemed like the people were getting closer and closer to where I was standing.
I didn't have much time to ponder on my next choice as the people turned the corner just a second later and it would have been already late to run away. I didn't expect to see Charles walk up with Lando and for a second I could only hope that I wasn't intruding on their plans by showing up at his door. From the two of them, only Charles seemed a bit surprised but he got over it quickly, saying his goodbyes and leaving us alone together. By the time I turned back towards Lando, from watching the other boy walk away, he already opened his door and stepped aside to let me inside. I gave him a dim smile while passing him and walked right towards the bedroom so we could sit down.
" How are you? " Lando asked as he dropped his bag down on one of the armchairs and got two glasses of water for both of us. " Other than what happened today of course. No one is okay about that. " He handed me one of the waters and I took it with a small smile as my thanks.
" Mostly okay. Shaken up, and dreading getting back into the car. But otherwise fine. " I nodded, when he sat down next to me, and not even thinking about my actions I leant into him. " Realised how close we are to a disaster every time. " I was debating mentioning this, but in the end, I couldn't hold it back.
" We might be, but we do everything to stay as far away from it as possible. That's the only thing we can do alongside following the rules. " Lando answered, his arm coming up around my shoulders and I didn't need more to turn around a bit and hide my face into his hoodie at his clavicle. " Today wasn't the best example, but we could still see how much the safety improvements can help during accidents. " He declared and I had to agree with him, as we all knew Romain would have been worse off in an older chassis and with a slower medical team.
" It's scary that it could be anyone. " I murmured, letting him take the half-full glass of water away from me before I could have spilt it on ourselves. " Even the ones closest to us. " I felt like adding as my now empty hand immediately held onto the fabric next to it that turned out to be his hoodie again. I'm pretty sure I would have been embarrassed by the way I was holding onto him like a koala if I had seen it from the outside. Luckily there were no mirrors that could have made that possible.
" I would be more surprised if you felt different. We're all people with feelings and not some kind of machines who fight through every experience emotionless. " Lando shrugged his shoulders gently, making sure he wouldn't hit my head with the movement. " This will sound cruel, but I hope that you will never get used to it and turn into someone who's always cold. You fit your fiery behaviour the best. " I could feel as he leant his head on mine gingerly, before letting it rest back on the headboard again.
" Even if I lash out daily and get anxious or frustrated by the smallest things? " I asked him quietly but the little squeeze he gave me was an immediate answer together with his nodding that I could feel in his whole body. " Then I hope you don't mind me staying either. You're too comfy. " I added, burrowing my face deeper into him and getting my legs over his to make it even more comfortable for myself. He probably didn't enjoy my turning and tossing as much.
" Even if you wanted to leave I wouldn't have let you. " He shook his head, pulling the duvet over us, although we both knew we should have a shower and change into sleeping clothes before truly falling asleep. But it could wait for a few minutes.