TW: sexism, car crash

" Lando, wait. " I stepped away from the table where Dan was sitting, to catch up to him before I would lose sight of him again. " Have you... seen my text? " I asked him, catching up and stopping right in front of him so he wouldn't just leave me hanging as he did yesterday and the day before.

" The one you sent while enjoying a night out with a friend, while you just dropped me from going there a day or two prior? " He asked me, pocketing both of his hands and only looking down at me when he was sure I wouldn't let him step away. " Yes. I did. " He gave the answer to my question although it was rather confusing than explaining.

" You know why that happened. It wasn't just my decision. " I shook my head immediately, not really understanding what he was so wound up about. " I still wanted to apologize for how I acted since the start. It wasn't fair as you did nothing to deserve it. It just wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be. " I added with a sigh, still looking up at him, although his gaze did not soften one bit.

" It's not only you, who has to go through this season. " He rolled his eyes, already turning away from me. " Maybe you would realise if you spent time with others too. " Lando added before turning his back to me and leaving the room through another door. I needed a few seconds to get back to reality and just walk back to my seat.

His reaction wasn't exactly what I imagined, even though he never really answered my text or never came up to me for a chat. Knowing I did everything to try and correct my mistakes I didn't let my brain linger on it too much, forcing myself back to the conversation all the team members were having around me. For the rest of the night I mostly stayed at our table, not catching any glimpses of Lando or his immediate crew who I could talk to, which was probably better this way. By the time we called it a night and went back to our rooms I was thankful about how tired my body was. For once it finally didn't fight me over falling asleep, and instead of letting my mind run on two times speed I finally could get the sufficient amount of sleep for a race day.

Setting my alarm a bit later was the only positive about the first half of the day. My mood was quite average, right until Dan and I had to wait in Lando's close proximity to breakfast, the awkward atmosphere around us feeling like an irritating itch under my skin, and also seeing several of the reporters who made my life hell once already, listed on the sheet of paper for our pre-race press conference. Usually I could get away with just a few stupid questions, but seeing the amount of names that made me shiver I knew it will be a fierce session. A week ago I would have swallowed the sour pill that represented their prying questions, but since the talk I had with Susie I promised myself they wouldn't get to play me again.

" Why are we actually doing these? I just wanna go and drive. " I puffed out angrily, standing next to Daniel who tried to hold me in one place so my toxic energy wouldn't spread to everyone. Even though I had every right to feel like this. I could feel my blood boil at the thought of getting asked a bunch of stupid questions in a row. It wouldn't be the first, nor the last time it happens but I just knew that if today is just a repeat of last time I won't have enough patience to deal with them.

" Well, it's part of our job. You have to give something back to the fans. " Daniel answered, pulling me back by my arm when I tried to leave, again. " Winola... just stay, please? " He turned towards me with his full body and I sighed, giving up. I didn't care about fighting with Cyril anymore, but Daniel was someone I didn't want to hurt. He didn't deserve it.

I decided to stay silent, and keep my fuming to myself for the remainder of our wait, letting Dan finally relax a little. I have been an asshole to anyone since we met up in the morning, as I knew this event was coming up on our schedule for today. By every race the press conferences always got harsher and harsher towards me. They didn't care if I was showing potential in the previous races or maybe had a bad day and didn't score points, it was always just plain old bad. It always started off sweet with actually intelligent questions, then something clicked and they all turned into brainless cows, making me dread every question they sent towards me. Watching back the videos of them made me cringe even harder as I could see that everyone around me knew how sexist all the questions were, but they couldn't do anything. Or more like they didn't want to do anything. Who would get beef going with the media for someone like me? It wasn't worth it.

" Just try... not blowing up on them. They're idiots who don't deserve to see you in pain. You're stronger than that. " He added when the big doors opened up and a lady dressed in pretty elegant clothing invited us inside. I swear her mouth twitched for a second when her eyes landed on me, but she made sure no one else would spot it. I rolled my eyes as we stepped inside and I could spot several of the interviewers who gave me hell the last couple of times already.

I sat down in one of the Renault chairs reluctantly, feeling Daniel's reassuring touch on the small of my back, although it didn't help much. I let out a deep sigh as I put on the little microphone and really focused on remembering it's on me, so I wouldn't just whisper something into it, that I didn't want them to hear. I looked at my team mate once more before fully turning forward and waited for all the questions. Luckily they didn't start with me so I had some time to let all the steam slowly leave me, so I could react to their irritating questionnaire with a cooler head. I even managed to get a tiny little smile on when the boys were joking around, but as soon as I heard my name it faded and I concentrated back on the host. The first one or two were actually usable, real questions, surprising me and even catching me off guard a little. Just as I started relaxing the man who put me through hell during the last event, was called on.

" Thank you! My question will be for Williams. " He started making me huff and I saw from the corner of my eye as Daniel shifted in his seat. " As the season is approaching the end some of us wanted to see a little more behind your decision of signing for Renault. Did you consider others, maybe Racing Point as they have just the car for you thanks to their 'pink' sponsor? We even had a bet, that I lost, that you would choose them. " He looked at me with a cocky smile, making me consider manslaughter for a second.

" I considered every team who gave me a deal. Renault was the first of course, thanks to me being part of their Academy. Also, usually I like to choose by looking into their performance and also seeing what the deal would mean for my career. Guess the color of the livery doesn't really affect those aspects. " I surprised myself how coolly I reacted to his shit question and even had enough courage to give him a little smile. " So no. I didn't consider going to Racing Point because of their pink car. I think Szafnauer is quite happy with having Pérez and Stroll in his team. " I added, looking at the mentioned guys for a second and I could see as Lance fought the laugh that wanted to bubble out of him.

My style did shut him up luckily and even if he would have liked to ask another question we had a time limit and had to sadly get to the next guy as he froze in his spot. As the next one was asked from the Red Bull team I dared a look at Daniel for a second and I saw the proud smile on his face that my quite analytic answer caused. I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from saying anything and just rather turned back forwards so I could listen to the others until it was back to me again.

" Yes, as we saw some quite hair raising moments in the last races and even over the years we usually love to see how people in the drivers' bubbles wish them luck and sit through the races with crossed fingers. We know most of your little circles already but with new drivers every year we're always curious to get to know their loved ones. " He started and I already knew this would be about my romantic background. " Winola, can you let us in on who's the one that's fearing for you at home or maybe in the garage, while you battle with these gentlemen on track? " He turned to me, waiting for my answer and completely ignoring the other drivers who were new to the championship.

For a second I just sat there contemplating how I should respond. " Well, my family members do watch most of my races but sadly they can't really travel with me right now. Although, during the last race my mum tried reaching me on FaceTime while I was doing my last lap around the track in free practice. I remember her calling me in the evening again and saying 'That man, with the big teeth, is so intimidating!'. So if they never come out to a race in the future it's gonna be because of Daniel. " I deflected but just couldn't get the usual masking smile on my face. My private life will always be a sensitive spot for me since the times when fans started a new rumour like everyday if I dared to talk a word to one of the guys that day. Luckily Dan's and the others' laugh got them to forget about me not actually answering the question.

" And also, if you don't mind me asking one more. " He tried to get back everyone's attention, and I almost simply said that I would actually mind. Sadly my sweeter side won and I kept my mouth shut. " Every one of us has harder days but we all know it can get a little harder for females on certain days during the month. How do you cope with that during these weekends? " He actually made me almost drop my chin while I looked at him. For a second I was silent, trying to grasp the situation and that he did actually dare to ask something like that in front of 19 guys and even more watching us.

" I mean, everyone with the minimum amount of brain cells can probably figure out how we deal with it. Mostly I stay focused because I'm here to do my job which includes machines that could end me or anyone else in a millisecond. I don't think it would matter how I or any other female athlete copes with something like that. " I pressed on the word female as I always hated if they mentioned me as that instead of a woman or anything less discriminating. Although, there were people for whom it didn't matter which one they used, it felt like daggers into your side anyway.

Luckily I got a little break from questions so I could collect myself, as the last one really sent me for a spinner. It wasn even that bad of a question, it was just worded so immaturely. In a world where we were fighting for others to not make anything about normal women things disgusting, people like him just held us back and made it even harder. No one would think anyway else about us if they wouldn't accentuate parts of womanhood like he did. It was just irresponsible and disgusting to ask something like this in a live interview, in a sport where 90% of the athletes and fans were male. In my anger I wanted to get my hands busy as I realised I was picking at my skin as I usually did when I was anxious and rather opened the water bottle in front of me so I could get a sip from it.

" Winola, could you tell us a little about how you get ready for races? And also if there are any differences in your gear than for example Ricciardo's that was hard to get used to. " One man from the back asked, getting me back from my thoughts and for a second I thought I would get an actual question, but I quickly got disappointed.

" I don't really know what you mean by differences. I mean I just hope you don't want me to say the 'oh yeah, well I wear bras and can't really just change in front of everyone, as the guys always do' monologue. That would be a waste of a question as everyone knows the differences between our equipment. " I furrowed my brows at him and couldn't help my next comment. " Or maybe you just didn't see anyone like that yet and didn't know. I'm actually sorry if that's the case. " I leaned back in my chair, feeling quite naked in front of everyone's eyes after that question, while the room went silent for a second, before the host quickly got another question going.

I was almost at the point of just exploding and couldn't understand how they couldn't see my frustration in connection with all of their ideas of questions. Or maybe they saw it they just didn't care because they only thought about the money my answers would bring them. I wouldn't actually be surprised. But at the point where if looks could have killed I would have been a serial killer, someone still dared standing up, calling me by my first name and continuing their stupid interrogation. I lost the remainder of my cool at his first words.

" How do you, as a woman, deal with all the strategies? Isn't it difficult for you to understand them and at the same time remember all the buttons on the steering wheel? " He finished up, while I knew my head was getting redder and redder until I probably looked like a proper tomato.

" I don't know what some people think about us. Are we considered stupid just because we have more fat on our chest and higher voices or what is it? Because I come here after completing the minimum level of education someone should get and I'm just dumbfounded by these questions?! I never thought of myself as a genius, but among you I actually think most of the F1 drivers and I possess some kind of a superpower to be actual decent human beings. " I looked at him, completely letting go of my self control. " You know, I was scared everyone, maybe even my team mate, would look down on me just because of my gender. But the only group of people who make my career here hell are you guys who can only think of the money these answers will get you. You make everyone think of women like toys and tools you can use, just because you want to make your pockets heavier. " I added standing up the next second. " Is there anyone who is here from a proper sport publication and wants to ask me a question about the race or the sport? Because I think we had enough of the usual Playboy and Celeb Story questions. " I added looking around for someone to answer my question now but no one dared speaking up. " Then sorry, but I won't take part in this anymore. Thank you for the few actually thought out questions. Bye. " I ripped the mic off myself before taking my water bottle and leaving the room as my manager already opened the door for me. He knew there was no chance of stopping me.

" We have about two hours before the start. I'll have to talk with Cyril and the team, you just try to stay away from any camera or TV presentator. " He gave me my phone and AirPods while we walked through the hallway that led us to the paddocks. " They won't be happy with today, but I'm sure they will understand in a bit of time. " He sighed out, making me shake my head.

" Well, I'm not happy with the last couple of weeks either. " I shrugged, plugging my ears before I said anything wrong to the people I actually cared about. Even though I loved them, in moments like these my anger was just over a level where it didn't matter who was in front of me, I would make them feel like hell. I exited the building with my head hanging lower as I saw all the photographers outside, who were all surprised to see someone leave so early.

The first time I could relax a little bit was when I stepped inside my own room, locking the door on myself, and laid down on the massage bed. I knew probably no one would need me for at least another hour as after the press conference we were always needed for personal interviews with different sport tv channels. For a second I debated goin gon social media and in the end just pushed my phone away from myself, so I wouldn't search up anything that could fuck up my head again. I was gone enough already, I didn't need to see even more bad words about how disrespectful I was and how I behaved. Having to sit through another of Cyril's lectures about holding our anger inside will be enough. Just minutes later I heard footsteps from outside but didn't really think anything of it, as sometimes mechanics need to make last second changes to how our equipment is laid out for the race.

Half an hour later Mark came back so we could do our usual pre-race stretches and some more, to help me relax a little bit. I could feel all the tension in my body and how Mark actually had to fight every little bit of muscle I had, to get it out of them, having to go back to one part twice or even three times. I liked to catch up on comments during sessions with him, but now I was just laying there, with my eyes closed and I was happy that we had some more time than we usually did. I was sitting up to change positions and turn on my back when he gave me my phone. I pulled out one of my AirPods, after I stopped the music playing in them, and reluctantly started the video that was a playback from the conference. I knew he wouldn't make me watch something that messed my head up, so I trusted his choice of showing this to me. It was starting from right after I left as the camera just changed back from the closing doors and I was nowhere to be found. The room was silent as the guys looked at each other and then back at the host.

In the next second Lando started moving around and I thought he's just fixing the wires around his ear, but then he took off the mic while standing up, and without a word left the room just as I did a second earlier. If that wasn't enough, slowly everyone started getting out of the mics, putting them down on the little table in front of them before following suit and exiting the conference room, leaving all the interviewers and host completely dumbfounded. The camera swiftly turned toward the presenter who tried saving the moment by doing her usual closing sentences but everyone knew it wouldn't look normal. I watched as the screen turned black and the video ended making me look up at Mark with wide eyes.

" They're good people. " He simply said while going through my calves with his fingers. I let out a sigh, knowing I probably didn't deserve their support. Also didn't really understand how Lando went from ignoring me and my messages to showing support towards me so publicly. It wasn't that simple as just leaving an interview as they would also get backlash from the fans who didn't like me and didn't think I deserve any sympathy.

" They are... no doubt. " I agreed, looking down at the phone again and a small smile got on my face, even though I knew this wouldn't solve everything and I would still need to fight for what people thought about me. Seeing all of them support me and my decision was heartwarming, and I was honoured to call all of them my colleagues but most importantly my friends.

" You can have a nap if you want to. I'll wake you up in time for the last steps. " He started packing up his equipment, handing me a towel so I can get the residual massage oil off my arms, legs and back before laying back down.

I tuned on a video from YouTube but didn't fight my eyes closing as I knew I would just feel even more tired if I don't let myself sleep now. It was maybe two minutes into the video when I fell asleep and it was playing one from another side of the platform when they woke me up so I can do some last exercises and change into my fireproofs and race suit. I quickly got my hair in a braid so it won't be in the way under a balaclava and the helmet later. Cyril was focused on something else but as soon as I entered he sent me an encouraging smile before sending me to my team to get the latest data and info of the weather and have one last summed up talk about the track and what we wanna do. I still felt the frustration in my mind and body but I was calm on the outside and that is what mattered now, so the team would be calm and do their own tasks perfectly.

I stayed in as long as they didn't need me, as I just wanted to be alone. I went to the grid to get the usual photo but as soon as it was ready without a look at anyone I just went back to our garage to get my helmet ready and have one last look at the papers of the track. Luckily no one needed me from the team and I could just stay focused on the real task ahead of us.

" Good luck! " Daniel came up to me with his arms wide open, and I gladly went for the hug, letting him squeeze me before I stepped back to my helmet.

" You too. Hunt down that podium. " I told him with a little smile, lifting my helmet and pulling it over my head, getting the buckle clasped. With one last fist bump we went to our own cars, climbing in finally and getting ready for the start.

With the engines on we waited for the start sign and then I was the first one out, leaving the garage behind and following the other cars down the pit lane and out onto the track. We went half a lap before stopping in the earned positions and turning everything off again. The weather was actually nice, not too hot but there wasn't any rain to be happening either. Usually when we were lucky enough to get to really see the sun it was messed up by rain or maybe tornado like wind all around the track. But today looked perfect in every aspect other than how I felt inside. We had time for one last radio check, making sure it was working, not like last time, before every crew member left the track and we were a minute away from starting.

The start went perfectly, making it possible for me to get from P12 up to right behind Carlos and then after the next corner thanks to him not seeing me properly I could get in front of him and try catching Lando. My first bad feelings subsided until the 25th lap where somehow I just started messing up my breaking points, getting me to lose 2 positions. It left me with fighting for my starting position for a whole lap as everytime I would get a gap between myself and the Ferrari, he would gain it all back in the corners as I always went too far and struggled to turn in the speed I needed to keep up so that I would be the one in the lead in the exits.

" We would rather lose a position than the car, Winola. " I heard Aaron in my ear as we came to the finish line on lap 27 and crossed it.

" I know. It's just like I can't find where to break. The usual line just doesn't work. " I answered as I messed up the next corner again, now for the third lap in a row. I didn't understand what's happening right until we got to the 7th corner and it all dawned on me.

With the straight right before the turn I was going far too quick to realise it in time that my brakes gave out completely. I was already off the track sideways and in the gravel when I finally understood what was happening. I could feel the wheels get stuck in the softer ground, but I didn't even manage to brace myself for the hit I got from the tyre wall as soon as the car went into it full speed and already upside down. My ears were ringing when I finally felt everything stop and the air fill my lungs after everything squeezed out of me during the impact. My head leaned back on the headrest, giving myself a second to take some deep breaths before I would have to start thinking about getting out of the car, or more like wreckage as I was pretty sure there wasn't any connection between several parts of the car anymore.

" Winola, are you okay? Please say something if you hear me. " The radio came back on, making me clear my throat with a cough or two.

" I'm fine. " I briefly replied, raising my hands from my sides to get the steering wheel off and letting it fall out of the cockpit. My hands were shaking, both from the shock that went through my body during the crash, and also from the frustration I felt for losing out on a chance to get points after everything that happened before the race. Even more as I grasped that this wasn't my mistake, I didn't do anything that would make the brakes fail. " I had no brakes. None. " I added, getting myself unplugged and the seatbelts off as with one hand I tried to keep myself from just falling out.

I slowly climbed out of the wreck, staying in a kneeling position next to the body, looking at all the damage that was made to the body and all the wheels. With a frustrated sigh I got my helmet off, pushing the balaclava off my head, while sitting down on the underside of the body as I got dizzy all of a sudden. Looking up a little with my head in my hands I could see the medical car arriving at the site, and I sat up straighter as one of the doctors came to check me. I told him I was dizzy but felt no pain other than a little soreness in my neck and back and luckily he didn't feel like I had to get too much patient care. They took me back to the medical room, examining me once again to make sure before leaving me to my own trainer, who knew quite well what to do about smaller crash injuries.

It was during our walk back to the garage when everything hit me once again and I realised after everything people said about me because of my answers in the conference room I just gave them even more reasons to show that I shouldn't have a place in this championship. I wiped my eyes as we went through the gates but then just let my tears fall as I felt like it didn't matter anymore, I was already in a situation that I couldn't fix by myself. I just didn't care anymore, not even when I knew we were passing photographers. Mark tried standing in the middle to shield me from questioning stares and all the cameras, even though both of us knew it wouldn't help a lot. When we finally got back to the garage I immediately sat down next to Aaron to watch the race while Mark got me some ice packs for my neck.

I slowly clapped when Daniel crossed the line in P4, knowing he would be frustrated about missing the podium but still being happy about his performance. I was proud of him, but the pain made me remain in my seat as the team went outside to celebrate with him. The screens showed as they came back into the pit, parking down the cars before they got out so they could hug their crewmembers with wide grins. I watched as the first three stepped onto the podium and opened the champagne, soaking everyone in the liquid after the usual music started. It was strange to see all the happiness while disappointment was eating me up from the inside. I was happy for the team getting closer and closer, but it didn't help my real feelings.

While they were chatting outside I went back to my room to change into normal clothing so I could leave for the analyzing talk as soon as possible. However as I entered the garage Cyril ordered me to go back to the hotel and rest, saying we will catch up on work tomorrow if I'm really fine and pain-free. I was relieved as my back was slowly killing me even sitting down, and I didn't know how much I could concentrate on all the information they got from looking at the car and watching back footage. So I gladly took his offer and we got into one of our cars that took me and Mark back to the hotel. We quickly said our goodbyes, with him promising he will check up on me in the morning, before entering our own rooms.

As I stepped inside with a sigh I dropped my backpack onto the floor, next to my kicked off shoes. Turning towards the co-joined living- and bedroom I saw a trolly full of covered plates that I didn't recognize. Standing next to it I suspected that maybe the team planned it so I would have a little surprise as I got back. Taking my phone out I went to call Cyril as I pulled some of the plates to one side to get the little envelope out from under them. As soon as the envelope was open and I could read the writing on it I immediately forgot about my phone. I recognised the handwriting immediately and couldn't help a small smile getting on my face as I finished the last sentence on the paper. My finger was already back on the screen of my device, but a knock on my door disturbing my thoughts as I put my phone back down again. What I was expecting wasn't really who I found on the other side of the door, looking right back at me with his dishevelled look.

" Hello. I just read your note. " I told him, staying mostly in the doorway as I didn't know what he was here for. Of course I read his apology and knew it wasn't just a joke or something he wanted to use as a quickfix, but I was still unsure about us having a conversation without another argument. " Can we promise each other that we will just talk it through before getting angry or frustrated about anything? And that's just as for me as you. We both fucked up. " I asked him and it seemed like he had the same thought as he didn't need more than a second to nod at my offer.

" Yes, we should. I'm truly sorry about the things I said. Wasn't really thinking about how it must have made you feel and how you were already in a difficult situation. " He let out a sigh, my faint smile getting a bit wider. I didn't really wait longer and stepped aside, hoping he would get the idea and step inside the room. " Hope you didn't eat yet, because I for sure can't finish all of this alone. " I closed the door behind him, putting my phone out of the way as I followed him inside to the trolley.

" That was the plan, or idea as I didn't know how you would feel about it. " Lando let out a sigh, stopping in the middle of the living room, waiting for me to get next to him. " I would love to put everything just behind us, but at the same time there are things that need talking through, not just forgetting. " He seemed to loosen up as I put the plate covers away, giving him the chance to choose something for his own dinner.

" Yeah, before it gets even worse. I'm sorry for ignoring you and pushing you away. You did nothing wrong, it was just... me thinking I would be better off on my own. " I shook my head, sitting down on the big sofa, leaving quite enough space for him.

" You can hardly stay sane alone. I didn't understand what your plan was with staying away from mostly anyone but Dan. But I feel like I understand now with today's shitshow. " He sat down across from me, holding up his plate but still looking at me. " I won't lie, I felt betrayed by how you gave quite a different picture of us to the media than what the reality was, but I understand it more now. The eyes of the cameras and the people behind them make everything complicated. " He voiced my exact thoughts, and I could only nod in agreement with him.

" They had enough to analyze about my driving and who I actually am. I was never the type who was comfortable with living so publicly, even though I know it's a big part of this sport. " I told him, even though I knew opening up about everything in the middle of a season to a rival wasn't something on my schedule. Even if it was Lando sitting next to me, both of us knew what to keep from the other while we were still well into the working part of our year. " I didn't want to give them anything to grip onto in connection with my life off the track. " I shook my head a little, diving into the plate of food in my hand and already feeling a bit better with how there wasn't any bad energy between us.

" Sadly, they are the ones who know the least about our jobs but at the same time talk the most about it. That's why they bring up our lives outside the sport, as it's easier to talk about and criticise. " He shrugged a little and I knew he understood my situation as he went through it in his first season too. It wasn't easy for anyone to change from a quite chilled F3 and F2 atmosphere to the F1 one that was followed by twice the amount of fans around the world. It was a step that would be unimaginable to make alone, without anyone supporting you from behind.

Spending time together again did take away a huge chunk of my anxiety, Lando having a calming effect on my always overthinking brain. I did take a little break from social media pages for the next two races, focusing fully on acting normally and really trying to use all the tips Susie, Nyck and even Lando gave me, after trying but failing for half a season. It was time for me to find the balance and not just hide behind everything I just could to get out of the sight of the media. The first time I got back to the sites was after Dan's podium, congratulating him on his race and just giving some life signs of my own as I planned on getting back to posting as I did before, without really paying any attention to outside opinions. I knew I was capable of doing it, but I wanted it to be permanent from now on 'till at least the end of the season.